Grandmother Sending Nothing for Daughters Birthday

If it makes you feel any better my own mom has never sent a card or gift to any of my kids. She says "oh I just don't do that kind of thing."
Nice, huh?
Luckily my MIL is a great grandma, and since my mom's never really been a part of my kids' life, they don't know any different.
They aren't all winners, are they? <sigh>

Like Hazel said, I would be glad. It doesn't seem like this is a relationship worth having. Quite the opposite actually is that this is a relationship it is good not to have. Presents and all.

The lack of gifts is causing that big a rift? So hard to understand your anger and the drama. Using other people's actions as a yardstick doesn't make sense either.

Material things such as cards and gifts shouldn't dictate relationships. Sorry....it sounds to me like you have much greater issues, and this is just an excuse to grind your ax with her. Don't. It will only make you an angry person and eventually your kids will pick up on it.

"Before this most recent falling out, we were allowing her visits with my dd, obviously supervised by us." Granted I don't have a screw loose but if my kids took this attitude with me I would write them off as well. You can't very well write off the parents without writing off the kids.

Guess I am saying if you are not willing to work on your relationship with your mom then this is on you.

I have had my ups and downs w/ my parents and one year we were on the outs during Christmas time. While *I* didn't get a gift from them, our daughter did. If I were a grandparent myself, there is really nothing that would keep me from staying in contact with and gift-giving for my grandchildren. Sorry to hear this, I'm sure it smarts since it's your child we're talking about here.

My mother-in-law sends nothing for most such occasions. She claims I don't allow her to see the kids, which isn't true. She has...issues (I have shared some in answers here). I assume your Mom has some issues as well.

Your husband needs to let it go. His shock will relay to the kids eventually. My husband's Mom has sent gifts in the past and I always say "this was a gift to you from a". I do not bring up that she hasn't sent anything for...awhile. They know they have some things from her and my oldest is 8 and he has *never* said "why doesn't a ever send me anything on my birthday?'

Gifts are treasured when they come, but not expected from *anyone*. I do think that's a healthy way to be.

If they ask about this at some point, I will say the same thing I have said about husband's father "He gives what he has to give, and we love him" and leave it at that. It's easier with him - he has started to lovingly come through for them, and he has never really been ugly to us - just distant (MIL and FIL are not together). But it's a philosophy that applies, even when someone has serious problems and acts out in ugly ways. And accepting that someone doesn't have much to give and not expecting much from them is a looong way from taking what they dish out because we love them.

Good luck!

Your child is 2 years old and 3 years old, is this right? They won't/don't even really know her so I doubt they are that upset. I think if they had to see her with supervised visits she probably didn't feel too much a part of their lives or yours. I wouldn't want the pain of thinking about that situation and just sending gifts either. It's more than gifts, way more. It's relationships and loving each other that are the main problem here. Not things.

The meaning of estrangment is....being strangers to each other. Why would a stranger acknowledge your son or send your daughter a gift? Why expect that behavior of her if she is not in your life in any other way at all?

Probably the answer is, "Because she is punishing the children because of her dispute with me and that's unfair."

Yes, it is unfair, but until you and she can sit down and work out whatever caused the estrangement, the children will not know her. She is focused on you, not them. They are so young they do not know what they are missing. So rather than focusing your own attention on the slight to them, why not focus it on why she and you have no relationship.

If you are that profoundly estranged, do you really want her in your children's lives? If the answer is still yes, then you and she have to be the adults and work it out or agree to ignore whatever the source of the estrangement is. Hard to say more without any details on the estrangement itself. But it sounds like you are focused on her not doing things for your kids, when you should be focused on your relationship with her--not their relationship with her.

so are you just not speaking at the moment, or is this person out of your life? because there's a big difference to me.

around the time my son was 2 ish was when i realized that my father should never have the chance to hurt my son like he did me, over and over again. he was getting old enough to notice and it was time i made the call, so i made it. it was after 10 years of drama and toxicity.

if a person is toxic in your life (sounds like she is), and to the extent that they are out of your life, why would you want to expose your child to them?

Estranged means displaying or evincing a feeling of alienation; alienated.
Of course she is not sending anything to the kids. At this point, based on their age, the kids don't even notice- it is only the your and hubby who notice.

But you can't expect to be estranged from someone and still get presents from them.

A family friend went through something like this - her daughter in law banned her from the family. So every Bday and holiday she bought a present for her grandchildren and put it in a cedar chest. When her daughter in law finally let her in she was able to give all the presents to her grandchildren. Maybe your mom is doing something like that - you really don't know - because you are estranged.

If it makes you feel any better the years, yes years, wherein my son's father had nothing to do with him, his parents (grandparent to my son) also had nothing to do with the child. His father still doesn't give him presents for Christmas and birthday - and he is now 16.

You deal, you cope, you move on. If you want your Mom in your children's life you will have to allow her into your life. If your life is more peaceful without her, then let it be, and don't worry about the presents.

Having a mom who is whack-job nuts, and estranged from both my sister and myself, I'll give you another take on it:

Both my sister and I do not welcome any contact from our mother. *Even* in regard to our children. My mother and I 'broke up' a long time before I got pregnant, and I want her to have nothing to do with my son. My sister, however, found herself in a different situation, with Mom dropping things off and sending gifts for the kids... to sis, it felt very manipulative. It was.

Here's the thing-- you don't want to have a relationship with your mom, and you are not allowing her to have a relationship with your daughter. She is following your cues and keeping her distance.She's actually trying to respect your very clear (to me, anyway) boundary.

Or maybe she's just put out and being spiteful. I don't know the woman, you do.

Said gently here-- you can't have your cake and eat it too. You don't get to cut off the grandparent's relationship AND expect the trappings of a healthy grandparent/child relationship at the same time. Personally, having gone through my own work with all of this, and having watched my sister put up with the gifts and 'love' from afar for her kids, you might consider this a big blessing down the road. It certainly makes things less complicated. Otherwise, she just becomes "gift grandma".... and that's just too alluring to little ones! (Even my teen niece got suckered in-- and my mother nearly drove her to suicide with some big lies. *I'm not joking*. She used my niece to get back at my sister. It's pretty sick. Consider this distance a good thing.)

So what if you had attitude towards her, with good reason perhaps. You are entitled to your feelings and if you resent your mother then so be it. Just because she's your mother doesn't mean the bond is crazy glue.

Tell your husband not to worry about gifts, they are irrelevant. Put health and happiness first by giving your daughter stability, peace, and love.

Well, without knowing your mother's side in this, let's just for the sake of argument say that your mother is honoring the fact that you clearly want nothing to do with her. You had a falling out and make it sound like the estrangement is warranted and WANTED. One could suppose that when you cut your mother off, and stopped allowing her to have visits with her granddaughter and didn't invite her to meet her new grandbaby either, she wasn't welcome to send anything.

During this past year have you reached out any olive branches to your mother? Maybe this time your mother is just taking your cues and waiting for you to be the first to make a move.

My point is that you're either estranged and she's been given the ban hammer from your home and family until you tell her otherwise, or you're not. Don't put your children in the middle.

If it makes you feel any better, I personally did not send a card or gift to my own daughter who just turned 24 last week.

I did however travel to Guatemala to visit her in April to the tune of about $6k and she spent the month of May with us transitioning from one country to another and I did just pay her college tuition. Plus we just moved. So I did not feel the need to also send a card or gift.

And interestingly, she was a bit hurt that I did not send a card.

I am wondering if you extend these common courtesies to her? Or do you just expect it all one way?

If I did have a screw loose - well, of course, I don't know what I'd do.

It's *always* hoped that two relatives who don't get along will try not to take it out on anyone else. But (sigh) that doesn't always happen. Perhaps, if I were your mother and you and I were at odds, I might think that anything I sent might not reach the grandchild. I'm trying to think of a best-case scenario here on behalf or your mother, since you asked me to put myself in her place and I don't want to be TOO evil. ;^)

How your daughter will react to this sort of non-recognition really depends on you and your husband. If you are angry about it, she'll learn that it's something to be angry about. If you can get a more objective outlook so you can say, "It's too bad Grandma chooses to do/not do this, but we're going to love her anyhow," then she'll learn to respond that way. It's really up to you. You can take advantage of the sad situation to teach your children to be gracious to others who are not gracious to them.

If it'll make you feel better, my MIL (who has not always been like this but might indeed have a screw loose now) has voted most of this family off the island, so to speak. She is angry at most of us (I've been accused of stealing thousands of dollars - I wonder where I put it!) and has not recognized Christmas or most birthdays for a while now. She may or may not still be recognizing her great-grandchildren. It happens. I hope I won't become that kind of person some time down the road.

(Just read your P.S., and I would have supervised, too. I was wondering if alcohol had something to do with this, but you hadn't said, so I didn't want to assume. I would think she is blaming you and thinking the worst of you, since alcoholics do tend to be blame-shifting.)

The good thing is, your children are too young to realize that their grandmother isn't doing anything.

Your husband needs to stop being shocked. Some people just aren't wired that way anyway, and others know exactly what they are doing by hurting their daughter's feelings by ignoring her children.

Don't participate in it.

My stepdaughter is estranged, told my husband he's not important in her life. We sent her Christmas gifts and the kids too, and sent each child a gift on the next birthday. We heard nothing back (and we know things were received because we got signatures). So we don't send anymore. We've written letters and emails, tried to give her some things of her grandmother's. Nothing.

If she reaches out, we'll be open.

Try not to obsess about it, and let your husband know that he just has to let it go. It's gonna eat at him, and it's going to spill over to the kids when they are older and make them feel badly. When they are old enough to ask, just say that your mother lives far away or something. Meantime, are there others in the older generation who can be a part of your kids' lives? Your husband's parents, some great-aunts/uncles, some family friends who can be pseudo-grandparents? Cherish and nurture those relationships.

There are obviously issues here. Your mom has poor judgment. I'm sure she has a side of the story, too. I don't think you can cut her out & then expect her to send material items to your kids, unfortunately. Good news is, they won't notice, anyway. If your mom is toxic, why worry about a stupid gift from her? Is it really that important?

Oh, yes, of course I would still send something. But in your case i would not be surprised, as you are not, and I would forewarn my husband not to be surprised, either.

I have to share a story of my own grandmother, a poor, yet practical woman. The year I turned 5 she gave me three pair of lace and eyelet trimmed white socks for my birthday, I looked at them and thought, "Socks?" When I became a grandmother and would buy my grandchildren gifts I recalled what she had done, and would burst into tears. What I had thought was a meaningless gift was from her heart, she gave me something I needed, yet made sure they was pretty and something I would be proud to wear, spending money on me that I'm sure she needed for other things. My Nana Helen has been my inspiration of the type of grandmother I strive to be ღ

I would try to keep in touch with my granddaughter and recognize her birthday and Christmas. It would hurt me tremendously to be cut out of her life. However, she may believe you would not give your daughter the gift or the card because of the disagreement between the two of you. Did you threaten to cut off your mother from your life or from your family?? Have you communicated with your mother since Christmas?? Does your husband have any on-going relationship with your mother? Maybe he could find out if she is wanting a relationship with her grandkids.

It seems that YOU want her to send some thing or some other acknowledgement. She is estranged with you and this has extended to your kids. It would be nice if she could share in these milestones, but in reality this doesnt and won't happen. Your kids won't miss what they never had. You old always invite her to share in some event to gauge her willingness if you think there is a possible way to resolve. Otherwise, you may be hoping for too much.

Is your mom an alcoholic?
(I'm assuming she has a drinking issue because of your SWH info)
If so, you can't apply logic to the insanity of addiction. So, please stop trying. Your 3 year old probably doesn't realize her absence, right? Or the lack of cards, gifts or money from grandma. Don't *make* t an issue for her.
Your husband likely has never dealt with an addict, hence his shock at her actions.
Alanon can help you set healthy boundaries and limit enabling behavior.
Most of life's hurts and estrangements are caused by unrealistic or unexpressed expectations.

Although my mother-in-law doesn't drink, she is just a mean person. We had an incident at my house Christmas of 2010. The first time my husband saw her was on the day his dad died, February 2012. She has turned her daughter, son-in-law, and daughter-in-law against us. My kids, 18 and 15 are her only grandchildren and she didn't send them anything for Christmas nor their birthdays. They haven't done anything to her. In fact she hasn't returned my daughter's phone calls. She has the mindset, though, that males are superior to females.

When you have a chance, would you mind sharing the answers that you felt best helped you?

I would appreciate it.

How sad that your daughter is the victim here. Whatever the reasons, no one seems to be willing to rectify the situation. But I agree with several here: she shouldn't be expected to send gifts for only that reason. "Gift Grandma". Now what would be expected if your mom wasn't living? There's still be no grandma to send gifts. So what would you do then?
If your mom is toxic, then she's persona non grata. Until she uses better judgement and acknowledges she has some issues that have jeopardized her relationship with you and her grandkids, then she'll be lonely for a long time.

What you can do meanwhile is let hubby's mom be an important part of her life. If that isn't possible, there are plenty of senior citizens who are lonely and would welcome having someone to care for and care about them.

Retirement centers, e.g. It would also teach your daughter how to interact and be a volunteer. Is there a group that 'adopts' seniors and perhaps performs a singing concert for them. That would be a way to break the ice. Or a church group that makes things for seniors.

Good luck. Best scenario would be that you and mom find a way to resolve your issues and build a relationship. But realize too that there are lots of kids who don't have grandparents for one reason or another. I never knew my dad's folks because they were both deceased before I was even a glimmer in my dad's eye! I survived.