Giving up Bedroom for Out of Town Relatives?

My kid's room was her room until she officially moved out and got her own place.
Guests were allowed to use her room only if she wasn't home.
If she was home, she slept in her room and guests slept on the futon.

You can try, but you won't get what you want. I don't blame you for telling them how you feel, though...

I can't seem to get past the drama in this post. "chance to come home to get away from the stresses of school and work" Even my kids would laugh at that. I mean are you such a princess that you don't have roommates in college? My kids shared dorm rooms their first year, a school apartment the next and rented a home with friends the last two. Even if they had to share a room with their sibs it would be quieter than school, less stressful than school.

So although I get you don't want to share a room with your sister the excessive drama isn't going to win your argument. My take away from reading this is you are spoiled and both you and your sister have two much clothing.

"worried I will get enough sleep" That one made me laugh.

Edit: what I think is funny is when we visit my husband's family we demand that we sleep on our inflatable mattress. It is actually quite comfortable and a lot more comfortable than the bed we are offered. More so, no way in hell I want to sleep in a smelly teen room! So maybe the guests would prefer a air mattress in your family room over your room, problem solved.

I would not dream of treating my daughter this way.

Can you move into your apartment sooner?

I just think this is a crappy way to treat a child. Just because you're in college and an adult does not mean you should get the shaft when your parents entertain guests. Geesh!!

The reality is, there's no one right answer. When I was your age, I would have loved for my grandma to come and stay with us. She NEVER visited us (four hour drive), and so we didn't get to see her so often.

When I was your age, I was also moved out and working full time. College wasn't even an option in my family. I was 17 at graduation; my mother made it clear that when I turned 18, she wanted me to move out because she was ready to move in with her boyfriend and they didn't have room for me, just my brother and sister. In a few months I had found a decent job, worked and saved up enough to move out. The first roommate I had reneged on an agreement for me to have my dog, so I found a studio apartment where I could bring the pup and my cat. Yes, it was also conditional that I take my pets, too, while I moved out at a ripe old 18 years old. At one point, for a short while, I did move in with my mom and her boyfriend in the few weeks before I went to boot camp. I slept on a sleeping bag in the finished mud room on the back of the house and painted their fence to 'earn' my stay there.

Think long and hard about what you have to be grateful for!

woof. I agree with Julie S. on this one. drama.

You are gone the majority of the year. Why can't they use "your room"? You aren't using it.

Move into your apartment early. Be the adult. It's obvious your parents don't have a dedicated guest bedroom.

I don't think I've ever had "visitors" that stay for a month. That's over-staying their welcome. And now they are having guests again for 6 weeks? Are they coming from overseas? Is that why there is an extended stay?

Have you communicated ANY of this to your parents? Have you told them how hurt you are over this? If not, you should. If you tell them you are upset over this, they won't know.

On one hand...if you actually lived there and that was truly your room I'd be mad and ask for a big payoff to move into sis's room.

On the other hand you've started your adult life and they don't think of it as your room anymore. It's an extra room in their house that you use when you come visit. Sorry, they think of it as a guest room now, and you're a guest too. Their favorite guest I'm sure, but still a guest. Why not go spend a few days with friends and get a vacation away from them too?

What are your parents thinking of?
Their behavior towards you is awful.
They should be telling guests to stay in a hotel until you are finished living at home.
When you have a place of your own and your parents want to visit - a hotel is what they need to use.
I'm a firm believer that hotels do more to keep family peace than anything else when it comes to visiting relatives.

You need to have this discussion with your parents.

My personal opinion is that I will "keep" my kids rooms as is until they are "officially" moved out. By that I mean their name on a lease or mortgage somewhere else. If they are just away at college, I will still consider their room as "theirs". I would not mind family visiting but not for a month and especially not when my college kid is expected back over break and will not be able to stay in their own room.

Your parents obviously feel differently which is why you need to talk to them.

After my kids do move out and get their own place, I assume all their junk will go with them. If they don't have room for it and I can store it in the garage for them, I will. But only then will I likely re-do the rooms to have them as 'guest' bedrooms. If at any time ANYONE, family, friends or my own kids come to visit, then they will have a place to stay.

Talk to your parents and see if you can come to an agreement so there isn't any hard feelings. Good luck.

I would not do this to my kids. We don't have a room in our houses for guests to stay, so they must get a hotel when they come to visit. I also don't stay in people's homes when I travel, I get a hotel room. I just think it's rude. I get a night or two, but a week or a month? No way.

When you are gone for a big chunk of the year, I don't see why they can't use your room for something else - guest room, office, craft room, etc.

Is it possible that they are inviting people specifically when you are home, thinking this will be special family time? Are you the first one in your family to go to college, so maybe your parents have no idea what's involved in terms of your time commitment and level of exhaustion?

When I was a kid, we often gave up our rooms over holidays so that grandparents and aunts/uncles could visit. Kids used sleeping bags on our parents' floor or slept on rollaway beds in the finished basement. But that wasn't for a month or more.

What doesn't make sense to me is when parents so hell-bent on making other adults feel comfortable for months or weeks at a time are perfectly happy to make another adult (you) sleep on an air mattress. If hospitality and a fun house are so important, why isn't there a real bed? Why doesn't your sister have bunk beds or a trundle at least, with real mattresses? Why isn't your sister ever asked to give up her bed - why isn't she learning the same lesson that "we work to make guests comfortable"? Why doesn't she have to clean out half her closet to make room for your stuff? If you were home on a 1 week school break, that would be one thing - even though I completely understand that you need sleep on a college break. But why isn't it important for your sister to learn to adapt, adjust, make choices about what clothes can be stashed away in suitcases, and so on...for 6 weeks?

And what's up with your relatives that they aren't saddened by you being on an air mattress?

I'd consider seeing if you can bunk with a friend or neighbor who has a room or at least a bed. You're in school, you have exams, you need sleep, you can still come by on occasion for a family meal or special activity.

I'm a firm believer in people having to make some sacrifices and be inconvenienced for family...up to a point. Unless there's more here that you aren't telling us, I don't see you as being overly spoiled. But 4-6 weeks on an air mattress, every time you turn around, with no similar effort expected on your sister's part? It doesn't sound really balanced.

Hi C.,

I totally get why you want your own space for the summer and that it is hard to no longer have claim to your own bedroom at home. I totally get that it is a hassle and hard to relax when you are sharing a room with a younger sister. Living out of a suitcase stinks! Although I understand your feelings, I encourage you to change your perspective some. You have the rest of your life to have your own space. This is your last summer being a kid and doing kid things like sharing a room with a sister. Try and cherish the time. It will be over before you know it! Also, try and enjoy the company of family and guests. You might miss all this one day! Blessings!!

If your parents are going to have long term 'guests' they need to have a guest room - other than your room. They can purchase a sleeper sofa for the living room or den and use that as the guest room.

I don't understand why your parents have such long term 'guests'. A guest stays a week - ten days. A freeloading 'roommate' stays months at a time.

I have two kids. Both went away to college. I had a guest room. However, my daughter had a room that had a bathroom with it. An ensuite. So, when my parents came we had them stay there. I moved our daughter to the other guest room while they visited. My mother had alzheimers and the guest room was right by the stairs. I was afraid she would fall down them when she wondered at night. So, yes, she had her own room but it wasn't "her" bedroom. I only did that when my parents came to visit. Any other visitors, they had the guest room. Our son just graduated from college, yes he still had a room at our house. I always wanted my kids to feel welcome when they came back home from college. They stilled lived there and were members of the family so yeah, they both had their rooms until they moved completely out which for daughter was last year and son this month.

Technically I have 3 guestrooms now in the new house. I wanted plenty of room for future grandchildren. =)

My kids live with me full time and have no issue giving up a room for our guests. It is no longer your room anyways, and I would never want to force out of town guest to stay in a hotel. In fact, when it is my mother coming to visit I give up the master bedroom for her without a second thought. If you and your sister are on opposite schedules that means you can sleep in her bed rather then the air mattress, and I would consider a good thing.

I appear to be in the minority so far but... IMO, you live away from your parents more than 50%of the year. When you come back, you are basically a visitor in your home. So the room you had as a child is a guest room at this point, whether you are there or away. I don't fault your mom for treating as such.

When you are at your parents home, it is totally reasonable to share the room with your sister. If you need to renegotiate the rules of the room (bedtimes, etc), then do so, just like you do with your roommates at school.

A couple of days here and there, sure. But this is a lot of time and an air mattress?? I wouldn't do that to my kids. And my parents wouldn't have done it to me. I remember dorm living. It's loud and hard to get decent sleep. I loved coming home to my quiet room and nice bed. And I didn't turn out spoiled like people love to say. I'm quite successful and hard working and all. So yes. I would speak to your parents. Why doesn't your sister have to trade off sometimes? I also think it's pretty lousy of your relatives to take your room. I wouldn't do that to my nieces.

Well, I think this sucks. I've had 2 (graduated) college students, and one current. All lived on campus during the year. I can't imagine giving away their space to house guests for such an extended period of time while they're home from school. Home should be a sanctuary and as long as you're a dependent...of course, I also can't imagine having house guests for such a long time, that would drive me nuts. Are they coming from another country, is that why they stay so long?

I mean maybe for a few days, but even then, I would certainly discuss that with you before I made definite plans. If there were some very emergency situation where it couldn't be avoided having family stay for months at a time, I'd sooner give them MY room and sleep on the couch. I feel like everyone would be more comfortable that way.

I'm sorry, maybe it's time to move your plans for your own place up a year. Or you can come stay at my house, I'd love to have you!

(Although, I do agree your post comes off as a little whiny, I can understand your disappointment, there is zero privacy and zero personal space while living on campus, it's so nice to be able to come home and be alone in your own space)

:(

I'm on your side. I wouldn't dream of inconveniencing my kids like this. I'm shocked they're not picking up on your frustration. Yes, I would ask your parents to consider letting the relatives stay elsewhere so you can have your room when you're in town. Not unreasonable.

I'm sorry but it is not your room any more. It is your parents' house and they let you stay there during school breaks. They can let anyone they choose stay in their house, in their room (which they used to provide to you when you lived there).

Seems like a reasonable request but if they are looking forward to welcoming guests, that's their prerogative and you will have to be gracious and live with the inconvenience. Losing your room when you go to college is pretty common. In my house, there were 5 kids and 4 bedrooms, so 3 bedrooms for the kids. You can bet your butt that as soon as one of us headed off to college, we lost our room to a sibling and didn't get it back. Some friends in college had parents downsize after they went to school so there was no room for them at the new house, or their bedrooms were converted to an office, den, craft room, etc. When my SD goes off to college this fall, her stuff will be stacked in one corner of her room and her younger brothers will move into her room. When she come home on break, she will choose between sharing space with her brothers or sleeping on the couch or air mattress. It does feel lousy to be visibly displaced, but you have moved on to the next phase of your life (which is great!) and they will put your old space to good use.

You have every right to be upset. I never displaced my kids for visitors - ever. You need to talk with your parents and tell them how you feel. Until your apartment is ready, you should be able to sleep in your own bed.

I understand your frustration. Have you ever had a calm conversation with your parents about how it makes you feel? I agree that 4-6 weeks is a very long time for guests to be in the house, but I don't think it's ok to ask that they stay somewhere else. Since it sounds like these guests will be here within the next week, it would be rude - and possible cost prohibitive - to expect them to find other accommodations now.

Staying on an air mattress for that long is not really good for you. If your parents need you and your sister to share a room for several weeks at a time, they need to have a proper mattress for you to sleep on. Or at least make your sister sleep on the air mattress half the time so you can have some time in a real bad.

Your sister also needs to make some space for you in her closet. There must be things in there that she won't wear in the summer and can put somewhere else (maybe your suitcase?) while you're there. She should also make space in a dresser drawer for things like socks and underwear.

There is nothing wrong with making you share a room with your sister. But they need to make you feel at home at the same time. A real bed and the ability to unpack your suitcases would accomplish that. The different sleep schedules, however, are just something you need to deal with.

My single mom had a family friend with a young child move into her house after I left for college. The friend was in a bad situation and needed to get away from a bad guy. The mom and child ended up living with my mom for over a year. I was not able to come home because there was no room and because there was a lot of drama. So, I had to get a job and find a place and stay in my college town. I took summer classes and it all worked out, except at the time I did feel hurt and as if I was being replaced. I wasn't even able to go home for Thanksgiving. It was hard. I never made a big deal out of it because there was a kid involved. Now, decades later, that single mom is the kind of person who helps take care of my elderly mom. She sends money to help pay for appliances that need to be replaced and she stays in touch and is kind to my mom. So, in the very long term, I have to say that I am so glad for what happened. I became very independent and my mom was able to help someone out and in turn, when she needed help, it was there. Your family does seem to value family togetherness a great deal and that might be really difficult for you right now. That is a perfectly natural and acceptable reaction. There is also a lot to be said about the connections and bonds that your family is working on maintaining. Lots of folks do not have any family at all. Think about the long term here and maybe you will see s silver lining.

Agree with Julie. What a lot of drama over a bed.

Advice - talk to your mom, and get a cot to sleep on - better than air mattress.

I kind of feel in the minority here, but this would have really aggravated me too when I was your age. We were not spoiled or entitled by any stretch of the imagination and my parents had very modest means, but each of us kids had his/her own bedroom (they converted a back storage space into a small bedroom for my older sister) and were only asked to give the room up for special occasions/holidays if a relative happened to come visit. I can't even imagine being asked to give up my room for such long periods of time and having to pack up all my stuff. Even in college, when I came home for winter break or summer break, I usually had my own space. My mom did move to a smaller house after my parents split up, but I think even then I only had to share with my sister for maybe one summer. Then again, I really value my space and down time. Not everyone cares about that. But no, I don't think you're spoiled or entitled for feeling this way. Unfortunately, it looks like you'll have to suck it up this summer and next year just plan on finding your own place. Best of luck!

Considering my parents left my bedroom my room with stuff still in it the entire time I was away at college...I really do feel for you.

Now they were blessed with a guess room for over night visitors and I am sure used my room now and them if they had a bunch of relatives come at once. But my room was always my room. Until I got married and then it became another guest room.

I do understand your parents needing extra space for guests...we on occasion have our kids share a room to allow for visitors. Never more than three nights.

In college if I had had to share a room with my younger sister while taking classes and living back at home would have been miserable (sharing a house with her was hard enough over breaks). So I really get it...but I have no advice for you as the invitations have been extended and the plans already made don't think your parents can un-invite at this late date.

Good luck....no advice just some sympathy.

My son will always come first, even when he is 20. I would have no problem displacing him for a few days, but not a month and a half! And not for his last summer at home. I totally understand your need to decompress, too!

So basically you do not want to share a room with your sister. In reality, how much time would you be spending in your room. I assume by now you should have a full time job and friends which leaves you little time to be in a bedroom.

Well, I certainly would not feel very welcomed there. I get displacing someone to accommodate relatives for a few days here and there. However, this is way more than that. Ultimately, this is your parents's home though. They have the right to do this or whatever else they want in their home. You are an adult now. You also have the right to decide that what hospitality they are willing to offer just doesn't work for your adult needs.

I had a similar problem when I came home from college after my first year. Long story, but suffice it to say that my father was very unwelcoming to me that Summer. It was too late to make alternative arrangements that Summer so I had to stick it out...I had enrolled for Summer courses locally. However, that was the last time I ever came home for more than a couple of days. I arranged to stay at college and take more courses. I ended up just getting my own place with a roommate. That is what my suggestion to you would be.

What a sweet question and I like how you asked it in a way to consider all types of answers. As soon as I moved out at the age of 18, my parents turned my room into an office. Each of us siblings came back to a new 'guest room' and I didn't mind at all. Or course, I did not want to share a bedroom if there were enough rooms available, but if it was due to guests in the house, I didn't mind. I actually liked to catch up with my sibling. It's your parent's home and they are GREAT parents to support you as you go to college and let you come home whenever you feel. I know some parents that pretty much demanded their kids work on campus and support themselves over the summer. I don't think they are trying to be rude, but after 18 years of having the kids at home, I can imagine I would want to redecorate and make my kids' rooms into something that would work best for my lifestyle 9-10 months of the year. Good luck

When I was your age I looked forward to visits from extended family and would have given up my bedroom for it.

Although you are coming back home for your breaks you could just as easily stay in your college town for those times so its unrealistic to expect your parents to keep your bedroom empty for you to use when you are home. Its their house to use however they want.

I'd say you should negotiate with your sister to make sure you get enough sleep or possible find another place in the house to stay if you truly can't get along. Your parents did a wonderful job raising a responsible young woman so at this point you need to concentrate on finishing your education and spreading those wings so they can watch you fly away from the nest.

Sorry, but this reaIly makes you sound spoiled. I don't see a problem with siblings having to share a room, in fact my own kids share a room. You have to learn to respect each others routines and sleep. When we have guests stay at our small house my husband and I give up our room to the guests, we sleep in the kids room and the kids sleep on the sofa. Are they paying for your room and board at school? If so, I totally understand why they wouldn't keep your room at home.