"Frumpy" Mom Syndrome!!

Hi Becca, I think we have all been there at one point.. I laughed out loud when I read the part "if I'm just going to be home all day leaking breastmilk and cleaning up poop" HAHA That is so true!.. My suggestion is to either shower at night when DH is home or do what I do... If the kids can't behave when I am in the shower, they sit on my bathroom floor with one activity to do. I frequently will talk to them to make sure they are not getting into trouble. Another option (which very few people have) is to have a friend/neighbor come over to assist while you shower. Trust me, it will get easier, you just have to find what works for you. My kids either never napped or never napped at the same time so I made any adjustments I had to.
On the topic of getting "dolled up"... I don't, but I don't wear sweats either. I actually wear comfortable jeans and a nice t-shirt around. Of course they have small stains on them but what mom's shirt doesn't? I put on a little make up and spend about 25 minutes total from start to finish getting ready. I try to shave at least every other day. All these things help me feel like I am not "just a mom" but a woman too.
Hang in there, and congratulations on your new addition.

I agree that your baby is only 6 weeks old so no worries-however sometimes even this early in you need to feel good about you. I have 4 kids all 5 and under. I shower after everyone has gone to bed and lay out jeans and a shirt for the next morning. I have found that wearing jeans vs sweats makes me feel more together. Then in the morning I wet my hair a bit so I can pull it into a clip throw on 5 min worth of makeup-usually just eyeshadow and mascara and then throw on my clothes that are out-ready in 15 min. Oh and I figured out the approx time that my kids get up-6:30-so I try to get up at 6 so that I have a couple min to myself-makes the day go MUCH smoother. Doesn't happen everyday but helps anyway. If I am dressed and ready I feel better about me and I am more inclinded to take the kids for a walk or whatever because I feel I look "ok".

Aside from the fact that you're understandably tired, what's the matter with looking good? Isn't your home an important place? Aren't you an important (and hard-working) person? (Yes, absolutely, to both questions.)

There's "getting dolled up" to show yourself off to other people, and then there's making yourself attractive and presentable because you're a worthwhile person.

When we women are busy, especially when we have young children, we may decide not only that we can't take time for ourselves but also that we ought not to - that somehow it's selfish. It isn't. You're the CEO of your home. You set the tone in your home and the example for your children. How you look makes a big difference in how you feel, and how you feel makes a difference in how your children grow.

So do try. See if you can make it simple, with a "five-minute face" and a hairstyle that you like but that doesn't take a lot of work. Ask a friend to help you fix your wardrobe so you have easy-care separates that fit you and make you look good without too much hassle. (I'm still embarrassed thinking back to when I wore sweats all the time because I didn't know how to put real clothes together quickly.)

I think you'll get a lot of suggestions about this because every mom has this same challenge!

If you can make it part of a regular routine, just like breakfast, you might be able to set a timer for a certain special activity that your children do until mom gets out of the shower (or else think about showering the night before). This is where a special DVD might be handy. Then take a few minutes with your children, and then take another five to dress. Repeat with the hair and the makeup. It's not easy, especially with a new baby, but you can succeed at figuring this out.

You may not achieve it every day, but make it a goal. Be sure to hide the permanent markers before you start!

I hear you I've been there. I used to use a kids show on tv to entertain my kids while I took a quick shower. You do have to realize that they will sometimes make messes like your son did with the marker. Try Mr. Clean magic eraser, or the generic brand they work great on those type of things.

I've also left the baby in the crib, showered during nap time,etc. But I guess my suggestion if you don't like leaving them alone. Maybe bring them into the bathroom with you with a game or portable tv and movie.

Whatever you decide to do I think taking that few minutes to shower and get dressed is important for your state of mind. Even if your hair stays in a pony tail or whatever try to put on a little make up and you will still be able to face the world.

I never did the shower at night thing but it is a good suggestion if you don't want to leave your kids alone while you shower. You can still get up and put on make up or do your hair with the kids right there next to you.

Good Luck.

I think it is okay to have pj days! My daughter and I have them quite often. We don't have anywhere to go so why deal with fuss. I did go and get a shorter hair cut so that I only have to wash and style every other day. That way and next morning I can take a bath and not thave to get my hair wet and still look good. I also got some cute casual clothes. However I didn't do any of this till our daughter was six months old. I had post pardum something terrible. Taking the time to take a shower or do my hair is now vital me time and my daughter lets me do it by playing by herself or trying to do her own hair. :)

I made a me jar
I made a list of 30 things to pamper myself that take 15 min. or less because that was all that was realistic for me.
I cut them into strips and folded them up and put them in a pretty jar on my bathroom counter. In the morning when I got up I would pull one out and do that for myself that day
for example

Pluck eyebrows
shave legs
wear your favorite necklace today
soak your feet in the tub (I did this while nursing a few times even lol) as my dd got older she's put her feet in the tub with me
curl hair even if it is going into a pony tail today

anyway you make a list of things that help you feel better and for me looking at all of it was too overwhelming but I figured I could do one thing for me each day. so that was what I did.
I often put my dd in her excersaucer in the bathroom when I showered. I put her in the tub to play with toys (without water) when she was old enough to move around more but not big enough to climb out. she often plays on the floor in the bathroom now with her polly pockets while I am showering or still climbs in the tub (we have seperate tub and shower) and colors with the bath crayons and draws me a picture while I am showering. we have to get creative sometimes and honestly my sister gave her the crayons for the tub I never would have thought of that one...
my husband is gone a lot so I am always looking for new ideas on how to shower--and reasons to take care of myself.
I'll share a quick story--I had gotten in the habit of getting dressed every day no matter what. we have host kids who go to jr high and high school so I take them to school. One morning we were running a little late and I thought it's no big deal I will just run them to school in my pajamas today.
Well I got them to school, and my cars battery light came on and started acting sluggish so I took it into a shop and the alternator was going out. Of course they quoted me an outrageous price so I had a friend pick me and my dd up so I could call around for a better price then had to drive my car to the new shop with my friend following behind and have her take me home.
suddenly on the no big deal day I was seen by dozens of people in my pajamas, no bra on, hair a mess etc.
I now get dressed every day no matter what again.
If I haven't had time for a shower I bought a couple of cute hats that I can throw on in the morning and wear until I have been able to hit the shower.
I used to remember I was important enough to do that for myself, I forgot about that when so many of my energies are going to my kids, my home, my husband...well when I was embarrassed it made me think again, you know I am worth this, and yeah I don't want to be in that situation again but I also want to feel like I am special enough to spend a few minutes on myself each day.
I found a great hairstylist I like that understands the time I like to spend on my hair and she cuts and styles it so I can be ready to go with it looking awesome in 15 min. including my blowout.
a good hair style does wonders.
and I only buy clothes that make me feel fantastic, not just ok. those clothes end up staying in the closet most of the time anyway, and on the laundry days or whatever when I wear them I feel frumpy. so I still shop sales but only buy it if I love it.
I'm still a work in progress but these are things that are helping me.

I don't know if it helps right now, but it will soon. I do a shower during nap time, preferable when they're both down, but if not, I let the 2yo watch something he likes, or give him food to eat. (I know that wouldn't work for all kids, but he's serious about his food). If it's during the afternoon naps when they're both down, I still look pretty fresh for when Daddy gets home. Even if not, I do about a 5 minute makeup job just before he gets home. Mineral make up is great and easy. Remember, baby's only 6 weeks old. You're on the uphill. It will get easier. Congratulations!

Pretend you have to go back to work. I did have to start work again after 6 weeks leave, but I work from home. I don't HAVE to get dressed nice (and it was nice to have some "pajama" days when thing weren't going well) but I notice that I feel more in control of my life when I dress my part (which is jeans and a nice shirt most days). If you really put it into your mind that you MUST do something you will be able to do it. We are mothers, we do the impossible (while milk drips down our chests) (I busted out laughing when I read that description because it is soooo true!) Good luck on your mom adventure!

I have 4 kids and they are all about 3 years apart, so taking a shower during nap time was not an option because the older one didn't take a nap, and putting them in the bathroom meant TP all over the place and the toilet flushing every two seconds. So every mom has a time in her life that you just can't shower in the morning. So during this time in my life, I shower at night, no your not as fresh, but it's better than going days without a shower.

As for "frumpy feeling" I went through the "look like a race track" faze. I have since learned that it takes just as much time to put on jeans or slacks as it does sweats. When I walk by the mirror and see myself in nice jeans and a "nicer than a t-shirt" shirt, it builds my self image, even when I have bags under my eyes. It keeps me going (sometimes for another hour) through out the day. I also do mascara and lip gloss every day. It's quick and easy. The mascara brings attention to the eyes and away from the "bags" and the lip gloss brightens the face!

My youngest is 2 and my oldest is 12. I have learned that the day you leave your house without a bra on is a guarantee for being the worst day of your life, so do that little something for your self. I usually make a race with my older kids (especially my 5 year old) to see who can beat mommy at getting dressed.

Next, find something fun to do with your kids and also by yourself every day. It can be as little as reading a book with your kids to eating a quick piece of your hidden stash (we all have a little goody stashed away) while the kids aren't looking.

But as mentioned, this too shall pass and pretty soon (maybe in tens years) you'll be begging for the calm days of leaking and cleaning!!

Thanks for asking this question. You have gotten some encouraging answers that we all need. My husband pointed out my "sloppiness" and with just a new jacket,spending more time picking out clothes I already have,spending 5 minutes putting on a little make up and throwing my hair up he told me I looked better and don't I feel better about myself and YES I DO. It doesn't take much and just that little push from my husband, not to look better for him but myself made all the difference in the world.

I hear ya! I am a hair up kinda gal so I went to claires and bought a few fancier hair clips and ties (and they are cheap). I also got a long strand of pearls (fake from kohls) and double them up. And the kids like em and its no biggie if they pull on em or chew on em. And I wear mascara and a nude color eye shadow with a hint of shimmer to make my eyes brighter. I feel it helps the way I feel when I look in the mirror. Good luck finding your groove!

I recommend showering the night before. On days that are rather difficult, I decide to either do my hair, or makeup. I have little ones around the same age as yours. I understand how difficult it is to get free time to take care of yourself. Just try one thing to focus on each day. Even if it feels like a waste of time since you won't get out. Look good for yourself and your hubby. Maybe it's just some mascara and lip gloss with a ponytail.

On weekends when my hubby is home most the day, I try to doll up. It's helped a little to get over the blah feeling by getting cute a day or two each week.

Good luck!

I think you have just explained what many moms feel like after having a baby - I did, it sucked big time, and then I came to grips with the fact that it is a sacrifice one must make for their family...but just in the early years...you will get more and more of your personal time back as they get older...but for now, i would suggest putting the make up away...but the shower is a whole different story - you must find what works for you - and for me, that changes day to day...sometimes nap time works, sometimes i can put a movie in - - i, personally, would never do the food thing previously suggested b/c i would fear the child choking and me not being able to hear him - but that's just me - like i said, you will have to play the game like all moms have done in the past -- and don't tell anyone, but i have gone many days without shower :0 as I bet more then 1 other mom has too :) and it has actually turned out to be really, really healthy for my hair...which has grown down to my waist at an abnormal speed - I attribute it to natural oils in the hair and skin that have gotten the chance to thrive b/c of not showering as frequently?!? Oh, and when i felt down about appearance - I would go hippy style - put my hair up in a clip - and throw a flower in it :)

I have found that taking a shower right after dinner is what works for me. Plus, I'm all nice and clean when I go to bed, which helps me feel sexier (if you know what I mean). Plus, that helps me feel "prettier", so that I want to get "dolled up", at least by the time I start to make dinner, so that all is ready when my husband gets home. That's who you want to look good for anyway. It's always to hard for me to leave the house until my baby is about 4 months old. Maybe you could plan a walk with your family after your husband gets home so that you get out of the house and do family time at the same time. Get creative and make goals. That's what I find helps me get out of slumps.

Welcome to my life! I'm glad I'm not the only one who went through this. I finally found the trick to getting my shower in was when the kids were both down for naps. I took the baby monitor in the bathroom with me so I could hear if they woke. My 2 yr. old wasn't able to open doors yet, so I would close her door - which would keep her in her childproof room, and the baby was asleep in the crib. That usually gave me 30 minutes to an hour of their overlapping naps to get in and just soak in a HOT shower. I may not always have gooten around to doing an updo or make-up - but as long as I didn't smell like 3-day old BO, baby spit -up, and everything else...I began to at least feel much better.
If I couldnt get them down at the same time but wanted a quick shower, I put the baby in the bouncer and gave him toys and brought him into the bathroom (or my in my bedroom right outside tha tbathroom door). I would stock him up with toys, some cheerios, and Baby Einstein. IF it was the my daughter, I would let her sit on my bed and eat cheerios and watch one of her movies - and explain that she was to stay there until I was done. My shower has a direct view of my bed, so it became a game for me to peek out of the shower to see if she was still there. "Where's Madysen?" And I'd peek out to see what she was doing. If she was into something, that would usually get her attention and she'd come peek around the corner. I'd tell her she was not to be playing in mommy's room and to sit back down. This may go on for a while, but at least I was getting a shower. Now that she's 3, she's really good about watching her show while I'm in the shower. I just tell her, "I'm going to go take my shower, ok?" She'll say "ok mommy." And then she sits to watch her show. Of course I still do this while the 1yr. old is still in his crib adn take in the monitor to hear if he starts to cry. Even if he's awake and playing in there I go ahead with my shower. Now I can even manage to do my hair and makeup.

your baby is only six weeks old! take it easy on yourself! it is hard when you've got so much going on (and like you say you are spending your days leaking breastmilk and cleaning up poop... (rotfl).

in a few weeks or couple months, you'll find your groove, your baby will be sleeping more and you will be able to find more time for personal hygiene... until then, be kind!

also, instead of shooting for every day, why not start with one day a week... then take yourself to get a coffee on your way to the park or something...

oh and I totally second the mineral make-up, it s easy, quick.. hypo-allergenic and can really be a nice little way to spuce yourself up... even if you are wearing sweatpants to the grocery store.
:)
good luck and congrats on your new baby... mine is due in 3 mos, I can hardly wait (though i'm wondering how much more crazy it will bewith a two year old at home too).

This too shall pass.

Give yourself a break...and some time...when we have kids our priorities change...enjoy your number one priority right now...watching and helping your kids grow into adulthood....your time will come soon enough.

Glory in the simple things...a smile...a giggle...you will get what you give!

I really feel for you, I have gone through the same feelings many times. Another thing that is a problem for me is that since I was "just" a stay at home mom I had no "good reason" to buy myself nice new clothes. My husband would encourage me to do things for myself like buy new clothes or get my nails done but I always felt guilty for it and didin't do those things often. You just have to remember that taking care of yourself IS important and that you deserve to feel good about yourself. That said, your baby is only 6 weeks old and it is normal to stay in a nightgown for the whole day sometimes, those first two months are so hard that you should feel good about the fact that you are just surviving it! Once you feel up to getting out of the house more, join a playgroup with some friends or go to the library and park wiht your kids, even those simple outings will give you an excuse to dress up just a little adn talk to other adults.

Oh, and about the showers, try takign ashower before bed at night when your husband is home to watch the babies. Good luck!

HI Becca,
It is very hard to find time for yourself. There are days I have been holding "it" for hours with no time to even go the bathroom. My suggestions?

Can you take a nice bath at night when hubby is home? That way you are clean for the next morning? I wouldn't suggest waking up early because I know those nightime feedings are very tiring.

Next maybe try putting a movie on something your older one really likes, with fruit snacks. Then my trick with a new baby is take them in the bathroom in the boucy or car seat, set baby outside the tub where you can keep an eye on them, but still have hands free to shower.Then you can get to enjoy at least a 5 min shower.

Then figure out a day that hubby will be home to watch the kids & I will come pamper you, even with you friends if you want. Get you some good girl time even if it's for 1 hour. If you need to break away to feed baby it's ok. REMEMBER, baby steps...It will all work itself out just take a deep breath & remember you are a great momma & wife.

That stage right after pregnancy is a tough time. One thing that may help is getting enough vitamins and eating healthy. That will help your body recover quicker from what you have been through. There are some awesome hair stimulator vitamins off ebay that I use, and they are really cheap. They have lots of the vitamins like folic acid that can get kind of low when you are nursing. Fish oil is pretty cheap at Wal-Mart, and for a good multivitamin I like Dr. Christopher's vitalerbs, they're made from vegetables. When you feel better you will look better and you will start to feel more excited about doing something with your appearance. Another thing that is really good for you is lots of backrubs and physical touch. People with severe eating disorders have been shown to have a higher success rate when they go for regular massages, so ask your hubby to help you out. ;)