Friends Getting Divorced

Hi E.!
Have you told her everything you wrote in the email? Tell her exactly how you feel, why you feel that way and how you are trying not to take sides, etc. etc. Hopefully she will understand and continue to be friends with you! Good luck!
L.

If you are speaking your truth you can't feel responsible for how someone else takes your words. If it struck such a cord with her maybe there is a bit of truth in what you said that she isn't conciously ready to deal with. She's hurting right now and seeing everything through a veil of fear. Your comment may have just been a reminder of their faliure to work things out and she's feeling that pain all over again. Just remember that it's her fear and pain talking, not the friend you've known. The best support you can be to her is to be truthful and honest even if it's something she doesn't want to hear. You can be her voice of reason in a time when she doesn't have one. She may not appreciate it immediately but believe me, there will come a day when she will remember your words and say to you..."you know, you were right".

Hi E.,
I'm so sorry you've been put in this position. I had a similar situation with my husband's sister. The first thing you have to remember is this is her issue and her anger at the dissolution of her life as she knew it and any anger she had for her partner is being directed at you. Keep that in mind when you deal with her..... but sit her down and clearly state your position and why! Explain that you didn't want to pry and force her to tell you things she wasn't ready to share and that as you had told her you're there for her, you're sorry that she misinterpreted your intentions but you have no intention of taking anyones' side. Also that in future if she has a problem with anything you've said you'd appreciate her bringing it to you immediately as left untended these issues fester and her friendship means too much to you for you to like that you've hurt her feelings even if unintentionally.

You will probably need to prepare yourself for losing her as a friend though as anyone who can attack you in that manner will not see you as a friend unless you are her ally in her war against her ex.

I wasn't very popular with my husband's family when I said a similar thing. Everyone had wanted his sister to not be with her husband. My feeling however was that she made a promise and she had to earn her way out of that relationship with counselling and mediation. This doesn't seem to be many people's opinion anymore hence the high rate of divorce.

At the end of the day the best you can do is appologise, state your position, listen and be there when she needs you. But don't give an opinion on anything. She obviously can't take it!.... But then what sort of friendship is that?

I always thought a true friend was someone who told you the truth - no matter what. Even if it meant telling you something you didn't want to hear but needed to.

Hey mother of three going through similar situation with my sister in-law. Hang in there I think divorce is a very painful thing to go through and people tend to blame others and lash out at other people especially if they are feeling guilty about ending their marriage. And I think you are absolutely right people do just throw in the towel to early and take what they think is the easy way out but more often than not they find themselves even more unhappy and hurt. You can't just stop being yourself to accomodate your friend you certainly can try to be compassionate towards her, because there is always two sides to every story and if you really value her friendship then I think the two of you might benefit from just talking this out. Tell her you want to be supportive but that you don't want to take sides and remember in the end they are both still your son's friend parents and they still will need to be parents together. I hope this helps let us know how it works out you will be in my prayers.

I am beginning the process of splitting from my husband, and I am not giving details to many...mostly because I don't want to have to force people to take sides...unfortunately then, people dont understand why I am asking for a divorce, and what I get is a lot of "you can work it out.....".This seems to be your situation....What I can tell you is that in my case I have spend many hours in counseling coming to this decision, and it is very hard...no one understands,,,it took me months to understand...it is hard when your friends come back at you with what seems like supportive statements on your part. I would just suggest that she has agonized (?sp) over this decision, and just offer to be there for her. I have had to just avoid telling people that we are separating to avoid this situation, just because I am not ready to fully discuss the details. Hope that helps a bit...

E. To be honest with you i think your friend is hurting and she is taking the pain out on you.I think you have helped your friend to the best of your ability and it is obvious she does not like the truth by which you said she as to think about what is important.True friends do not get offended by what the other one says.It sounds to me you have been there for your friend and if she cannot accept what you say then i would tell her you find it hard being in the middle and you still want to be her friend and help in practicle ways ie looking after her kids while she sorts her self out but as far as giving advice you want to keep out of it.I wish i had a friend like you who would be honest with me. You have your own life and family to think of and i don't think your friend is being fair to you by putting you in this situation
Regards M.

all I can tell you,from the point of view of someone going through it is that it can be a very stressful and trying time. Especially with children. I think the mother ends up taking a lot of the blame with the children. Depending on your friends support system. she may start to feel that anyone who sides with the husband is not supportive of her.
I think you should just be patient and be there for her if you can. she'll see who her real friends are. Maybe get her to open up a little if you think you can listen. You may agree with her that it's the best decision for her.
It is definitely a rollercoaster of emotions. I waited for almost 2 years before filing. Everyone is different.
Mostly I'd say just be there to listen and give support. Not necessarily an opinion.
Good Luck

E., you are a good friend. With that being said...keep in mind that a "higher power" is in charge here. I am no
Dr. Phil(lys), but if your intensions are good and your heart is right, then you've done your job. You can't be responsible for your friend's feelings. It's a fact that people don't act on the truth, they respond to their "perception of the truth". The truth here is that you don't want her to go through this divorce because as a child, you yourself saw the destruction and pain first hand. In your heart, you are a peacemaker and want more than anything else to make the pain go away...to not have her go through the roller coaster of emotions and side picking that you had to experience from a child's eye. But her perception of the truth is that she is misunderstood, her needs were not met in the marriage and she wants validation. None of which she got from her soon-to-be-ex. So her anger is now displaced on you for not jumping on the band wagon in her defense. NOT your responsibility. You are doing what a good friend should. I don't know where you are spiritually in life, but I can see from my stand point that God is using you effectively. Just remind your friend that she is very important to you and that you are sorry that she perceived your silence as taking sides. It was not your intention to make her feel abandon. You were, in reality, offering her space with the thought that she would come to you when she was ready. Her reality was that you turned your back. The truth is - you were BOTH right. Thus, perception is everything! You are in my prayers. I agree with you that many people rush into divorce. If you get a chance to recommend a book to your friend, it is by Gary Chapman and it is called The Five Love Languages. It revolutionized my marriage. I never considered divorce as an option, but was headed for a miserable existence had this book not come into my life. I am now leading a very fulfilling life with my best friend, my husband. We now speak eachothers love language fluently going on 14 years. Hang in there my friend!! Peace be with you.

Hi E.,
It sounds like your friend is just looking for a place to unload her hurt and anger and she conjured up a reason to be mad at someone and she chose you. I would be kind but clear about your intentions and why you weren't pushing and how much your friendship means to you. I wouldn't get suckered into feeling badly about how you've responded. This is clearly not about you and as much as you can operate from that truth the more clear you'll be as well as being a better friend to her. She may need to back away from the friendship if she realizes your not going to be her dumping ground and if so that's probably for the best as painful as it would be.

Good luck!

M.

You are to be commended for trying to stay neutral. She is going through a lot - and so is he - and tempers flare. You could try writing her a note - so that you can get your thoughts down without her interrupting - and re-apologize for the remark that upset her. You could clarify that you want to support her in any way, remaining open to people who wish to work out their problems through counseling or mediation, and to those who feel it is better to dissolve the marriage. You told her in the beginning that she could count on you, which I'm sure was sincere. It's possible that a LOT of people said the same thing, but didn't really mean it. So she may have been disappointed by others, and put you in the same category.

Also explain that you hoped she would contact you if she wanted to talk, but you are sorry and can see that she might interpret it as disinterest, which you regret. (This is NOT to say that you really did anything wrong, but she needs to hear the apology now. You can apologize for not being clearer, without implying that what you did was terrible.) You can also say that you didn't understand that she wanted you to be more involved - you can say that her distance was interpreted by you as a desire for privacy, and you didn't want to pry or interfere.

Your own experience with divorce, of course, affects your view. You said that you feel that many people give up too easily or get divorced too quickly. However, you don't really know how long these people have had problems and how long they have been thinking about it - you only know how long they have told others about it. So maybe they are NOT doing this too quickly.

However, you DO have a sticky situation in that you want to be supportive to the husband, with whom you and your husband have been friendly. It may be impossible to do this. She wants you to know the whole story (which means saying bad stuff about him), and I don't know what HE wants you to know. There probably ARE 2 sides to it, but each of them is going to tell you their own side, which is going to make the other spouse look bad. It's up to you how involved you get. The more calm and "listened to" both parents can feel, the better it is for their child. However, if you are seen talking to one, the other may get upset. If one says to the other that you agree with their side, it will hurt you. Tread carefully.

There are lots of divorce mediators who make the process easier and more civil and fair, without trying to change the outcome. They are cheaper than lawyers. Even if they ARE lawyers themselves, they meet with both spouses so it's only one lawyer instead of two. You may want to suggest this in support of the financial picture, and it may also be less stressful. But I'd start out listening to your friend as much as you can, so she feels supported and becomes less angry. If it's too much though, you may have to impose some distance.

Good luck.

Obviously emotions are raw and she is hurting. That doesn't make it OK for her to lash out at you though. She probably feels as though the world is against her and is taking what you said out of context. It's a tough spot to be in because you want to help as much as you can but then something like this happens and you are accused of "taking sides." I would suggest still letting her know that you are there for her for whatever she needs (as long as it's reasonable) but I wouldn't reach out more than you need to. Things will eventually get better but right now it's too hard for her and everyone involved. She also may in her heart of hearts agree with what you said and is having mixed feelings about everything right now. Good luck and hopefully you two can work past this.

Divorce is a tough thing, I have 2 children with my first husband and we have joint custody. I am re-married and extremely happy, however I loath having to even see my ex let alone speak to him. We had some mutual friends, but eventually everyone seems to take a side. I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to someone that I thought might be talking to my ex. How can your friend confide in you if there is a possibility you may tell her ex. It is my experience that most people contemplating divorce always divorce eventually, it's just a matter of how long. Having a friend suggest that you try to "make things work" suggests that you haven't already... you should trust that your friend is making the right decision and not second guess her. After all, would you want to force her back into a bad marriage out of guilt?

Hi E.,
Well, divorce is h*** o* everyone, family and friends. Probably the less said the better. You may loose your friend, and her husband's friendship too as things progress. It gets a lot nastier when the nitty gritty starts: money issues, child care, selling a home, etc... its just not pleasant. Let me tell ya, divorce is not an easy way out. Things have to be really bad for a long time. There may be things going on that no one knows about. Your friend could probably use a support group. She should seek out other women going thru this. I would offer her help with child care if possible, and stay out of 'he did' 'she did' issues. Let her know you love her as a friend and value her friendship. Then stop.... HOpe it helps. I've been thru it many years ago. My life certainly didn't get easier, but I had no choice and am really glad I divorced in time to start a new life.

I would ask your friend, do you want me to listen to you? If she says yes then listen. It usually effective to say " I undestand how you feel, or I see, something that has her get you understand and you are listening.
If she does not want you to listen, then she does not want you to listen.
My point being she is saying "Yes" I just want to be heard and listened to. Nothing to give your oponion about. Listening is just that listening. Jaye

All I can say is - Divorce is messy. When you are friends with both its hard not to get involved in some way, shape or form..... even if all you do is lend an ear for them to vent. It is bound to hurt someone's feelings. I dont think her anger was directed to you specifically. She is going through an extremely hard time and took it out on you(unfair - I know). I would maybe back off a little bit, dont pressure her to realize it was a mistake. Just let her know - you are there for her and she will come around (I hope). :)