Finding a Way to Describe Addiction/abandonment to a Young Child.

You know this is a hard one....

It sounds like she feels like she has no control but isn't expressing it well. Seems reasonable since she has no control really. :(

So I am trying to think of a way of explaining it that is empowering and I am coming up dry. How do you explain to a child that yeah, you are at the mercy of the wind but we are trying to put up a wind block for you?

Could you guide her into finding the answer herself? What I mean is kind of letting her lead the discussion so you can see where she is afraid and hopefully where she is strong. Help her find what she is comfortable with.

My mom was kind of evil so she said my birth parents got rid of me, nice I know. That just didn't seem reasonable when I looked at the world around me so I went with they wanted me to have a better life than they could give. Epic fail guys by the way! Just kidding I am quite over it but still a child's mind can grasp a lot more than we give them credit for.

The way I explained it to my son at about the same age about his grandmother is that there are different kinds of sicknesses. Some, like colds, you get sick and then you get better. You can catch colds. Others, like cancer, sometimes people get better and sometimes you don't (he had a friend who died of a brain tumor), but you can't catch it from anyone. Others, you can't catch, but you don't usually get better, and you don't usually die from it. You live with it forever. So we started off with a grip of 3 different kinds of sicknesses... and we got those all set in his mind.

We explained that the kind his grandmother had is the kind you can't catch, and don't usually get better from. That there are ALL KINDS of these sicknesses, with different things about them. The kind his grandmother had made her very much like a child. She WANTED to do the right thing, but didn't usually know what the right thing was. It's okay when a kid doesn't know the right thing to do, but when a grownup doesn't, it makes them dangerous. Because they'll say "Hey! Lets go do _____!"... but it's the wrong thing. Like being out in the street. SUPER dangerous for other people to be around someone who says playing in the street is a good idea, right? If it was a kid, you'd check with a grownup. But when the grownup is saying that? Yeah. And then, another thing about the kind of sickness she has is that she doesn't understand the difference between kids and adults. She thinks kids can take care of themselves like adults, or that adults don't know what they're talking about. The sickness makes her mix things up. And she has tantrums, just like a little kid, but in a grownup's body. She loves you very, very VERY much... but when you have this kind of sickness... it's not safe for you to be around children. Sometimes people can get better from this for a little while, and sometimes forever, but most of the time a person just gets kinda stuck with it. So when you have this kind of sickness, you make sure the people you love most... are being taken care of by other people you love. You love them so very very much, that you can't be with them, in order to protect them. They don't always remember that, because they get mixed up about important things... but that's WHY. And they remember that most of the time. That's why they stay away. To keep you safe. Because they love you and want you to be safe.

The "will I get it?" q that inevitably follows I met with a "Probably not! You're already learning what's right and wrong, right?" ... which is a "feel better" answer. The thing they can check with themselves (or with a grownup), so they don't have to be afraid. As long as you're LEARNING, you're good.

I would have started her with play/talk therapy when she moved in with you. IMO, there is absolutely no sense in waiting for that and I would question the judgment of whoever told you that. How old is she now? If you don't know where to begin, I would start calling your local school district to get recommendations for therapists in your area for her age. Also check out Al-Anon for resources on how to handle addiction in a family setting.

Regarding what to say...my brother was an addict and my kids were exposed to him on a regular basis via my parents' house. I just explained to them that sometimes people take medicines that they don't need to take and it makes them feel and act weird, and other things called drugs that also make people act not like themselves. When people are using these things, they are not in control of themselves and can do bad, stupid and dangerous things, and that when people do drugs, it's very hard for them to stop even if they want to. I would let her know that while you all hope (and pray, if you're the praying type) that her mommy will get better that for now, mommy can't take care of her but that you will always be there to take care of her.

I think it's important to be honest about drug use and not frame it only as a sickness because then she might think that everyone who gets sick will abandon her. She needs to clearly see that being an addict isn't the same as getting a cold, or even getting something more serious like cancer.

Please consider therapy for her sooner rather than later. My kids have had a hard time dealing with my brother's addiction and he wasn't a parent. My oldest son was abandoned by his birth father and although he never met him, it still affects him. My SD moved in with us a little over a year ago and has seen her mother only once in 14 months. She is 14 years old and even at that age, has a terrible time understanding what is going on and therapy has helped a lot. I would imagine that for a young child, it is that much worse.

Bless you for taking her in. You really are doing God's work. A friend ended up being able to adopt her two nieces under similar circumstances and they have been able to have a wonderful, happy childhood because of it.

Hi Ephie

As a kid whom at age ten was given up and placed in foster "lack of care" as I call it :) that which bothered me the most was one, no one EVER explained to me why I was sent away (7 of us kids in all) and two, on occasion I could visit my mom (who was still a drunk) yet.. not live with her.. that to me was almost worse than if she were dead. at least, then there would be an excuse. but to know a parent is still living and is choosing substance over you, it does sting.. so I can relate to your situation with your niece...

now.. what would have helped me most as a kid... a few things.. Although I was sent to therapy (it's par for the course in foster lack of care) the therapist NEVER explained anything to me.. I was too young to know where to begin and too, trained as a child living with an alcoholic that you don't ask questions......... therefore, for years, I never did.. I went along with the program... Which leads me to this.. while your niece is still very young, keep the lines of communication open, allowing her to ask questions as she sees fit.. if someone had done that for me, it would have helped. but in my case, I feared that IF I asked I was be punished (As had been the case, when I did question my mom's drinking)

additionally, when you do make that book, allow your niece to make one as well.. I think that will allow you to know her point of view as kids that age don't have the vocabulary to really say how they might be feeling deep down..

I would also add that it's important to emphasize the positives.... when a young person is given up by a parent, the shame can run deep. I know it did for me, despite it being my mom's problem. I blamed myself.. therefore, it's important that your niece have a safe , loving environment where she can shine (which sounds like your home is)

There will come a time when she is older and might say, why can't I live with my mom, or my mom didn't want me or chose addiction over me... but with that, emphasize that ok true...(which it is and at some point you will have to lay your cards on the table) as children will eventually demand the truth of the matter.. let her know that you chose her and that she is loved... had someone ever told me the truth of the matter and that I was loved.. WOW WOW.. what a difference... but in my case, my mom gave me up and I was placed in an abusive foster home.. It's hard to imagine that had I been placed somewhere positive, what a difference it would have made. In your nieces case, she is with someone who loves her and Ephie while that might not seem like enough now.. I can assure you this, during my stint in foster lack of care (about 7 years) whenever I did meet someone who was positive and who reminded me of how special I was, to this day, I remember it..... children, even if they do act out, do remember kindness.. and while no one might be able to replace a kid's parent.... it's important to show the kid that hey, your mom might be an addict... but I love you and you are above all WANTED....

Continue to be a good role model for your niece, involve her in activities where she can develop herself. I think it's thru self-development that kid's discover what they are good at and in the interim it helps build self-esteem... Keep encouraging her, remind her that you are on her side.. At such a young age, I think more than anything LOVE is key.. as corny as that sounds. :)

Lastly, therapy can be helpful.. IF you find the right person... they are out but I think you have to shop around.. There are going to be many bends and twists on your niece's journey but as long as she has someone like you on her side, I think she can be ok... I am thinking positive for her and you :) Despite all the rough patches in my younger life, I lead a drug free, no drama, beautiful life.. I feel blessed .. kids are more resilient than we might think... Be strong for your niece... and in the end, she will be strong as well..

my best to you

I very much advise waiting until you have professional advice before discussing anything with her. She can hold on a few more weeks. The explanation you're giving her for now is fine until you have something else.

My opinion is that you don't necessarily have to lie or dumb things down. You don't have to explain the addiction thing yet. What you can say is that some people who have children don't know how to take care of them properly. And sometimes those same people don't know how to take care of THEMSELVES properly. Her mom is one of those people. She is away at a place where she is being taught how to take care of herself properly. She has to do it on her own.

Perhaps you and your neice could pray together for her mama. Pray for her to get better and be able to take good care of herself. But also be realistic...let her know that you don't know when it might be or how long it will take. She might not ever take very good care of herself...or be able to take care of your neice.

But you love her and are right there to take care of her...so she needn't worry.

Bless you for what you are doing.

ETA: The therapy/professional advice in this situation would be for you. To learn how to talk to her and help her deal. Once she's old enough to benefit, you would take her...

Catherine C and Riley I think have great ideas.

I also am raising my granddaughter because years ago her mother (my daughter) was unable to care for her. It was extremely difficult at first. My GD didn't really understand why she couldn't be with her mom and worried about where her mom was. During that time, she had a lot of behaviorial issues.

Then, when mom got into treatment and she was able to spend time with her, things got much better.

Presently, mom has completely gotten it together (hurray!) and has been living in a 3 bedroom apartment not far from me for 2 years. Because my GD had always been waiting to live with her mom and because my daughter was doing so much better, we decided to let her move in with mom. She lived there about 6 months, but my daughter and I are very different people. GD got used to my household and the way things were done and just could not readjust to her mom. So, after about 6 months, she has returned to our home and visits her mother several times per week.

It is an ideal situation for all of us! So, even though things look grim now, there can be a very happy ending!

Wow, this is tough. I think it's important that she have some age appropriate and healthy version of the truth. Telling her her mom is "sick" and can't take care of her, does that for me. I think it was a great explanation! If that is falling short now, perhaps a bit more detail about mom's illness, but don't tell a whole different story because then it would seem like you lied to her (which you didn't).

I would probably just add that mommy has a different kind of sickness than the other people she knows. It isn't like a cold you can catch, but it is very hard to get better. You might name the sickness (drugs, or addiction whatever). Mommy's sickness makes it hard to make good choices and makes her mean to people she loves. We all hope Mommy get's better, but we know that it will be very hard for her and we know that Aunt loves her very much and will take good care of her forever and ever whether Mommy get's better or not.

I'm no expert on this at all... but my father was an addict which no one told me until I was a teenager trying to reestablish a relationship with him. I had built a place for him in my mind and it was devastating (not to mention dangerous) not to know that going in. He didn't physically hurt me, but he stole from me and manipulated me terribly. And guess what... I was mad at my MOM for not being honest about him all along!

It sounds as though your niece is still confused and grieving over where her family went. Even though we might not feel that life with her mom was good for her, it's still all that she knew. Perhaps that is where her behavior is coming from. I agree with the suggestion to reach out at school. There are social workers in each school district to assist her and your family.

As for the words to use with describing her mom's situation, I think you can move it to the next level and talk about how her mom (and dad) don't really know how to take care of themselves right now and especially a child, ANY child at THIS TIME. (This so as not to make her feel that she did something wrong to force them to abandon her.) I'm sure you've had discussions with her about how we have to be careful with medicines, measuring them properly, and only taking what is prescribed for us. Medications are made to help our bodies feel better. You could expand that conversation to indicate that if one takes medications that their body doesn't need the medicine can actually make their brains sick, sometimes for a while and sometimes for a very long time/maybe permanently. Then the brain doesn't make good decisions and good choices which can get the person in trouble with the police or have them lose their job or do bad things to other people. Tie this back to the mom/dad. Explain that since you don't know how long their brain will be affected you are there for her, forever if needed.
I'll keep you all in my prayers! Such a tough road for all of you, especially this little one.

Found these on Amazon ...

http://www.amazon.com/Dad-Loves-Has-Disease-Addiction/dp/...

http://www.amazon.com/Terrible-Thing-Happened-children-wi...

http://www.amazon.com/Emmys-Question-Jeannine-Auth/dp/097...

http://www.amazon.com/Brown-Bottle-Penny-Jones/dp/0894861... (be aware, the little caterpillar caught in the brown bottle, ends up dying at the end of the story. I've known this book for 20+ years and really wish they would add an alternate ending for smaller kids to show that someone can overcome addiction, but it takes work.)

http://www.amazon.com/Daddy-Didnt-Albert-Whitman-Prairie/...

http://www.amazon.com/Boy-Who-Didnt-Want-Sad/dp/159147134...

And, if you can find it, I HIGHLY recommend "What's Drunk Mama?". It's out of print now, but your local library may have it or perhaps one of your local Al-Anon groups. As an adult child of 2 recovering alcoholics (both with more than 35 years sobriety), I can personally vouch for the help this book provides.

These might help her understand why she's with you (some of them are for kids in foster care, but the situations may be similar) ...

http://www.amazon.com/Sometimes-Its-Grandmas-Grandpas-Mom...

http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Right-Spot-Their-Parents/dp...

http://www.amazon.com/Star-Story-Children-Understand-Fost...

http://www.amazon.com/Kids-Need-Be-Safe-Important/dp/1575...

http://www.amazon.com/Murphys-Three-Homes-Children-Foster...

I also recommend you read "Parenting the Hurt Child". It has some amazing insights. Good luck and best wishes ...

Please don't put her in therapy at the school. She will be labeled forever. You are doing an amazing job and I love the responses. Giving her a "normal" family is the best gift ever. I admire you tremendously.