Fed up with Step Parenting

I read your request, the responses to it, and your reply. While I am not a stepmom, I can see your side of the story from (and I hope this makes sense) the point of view of the wife of a step-child. My husband's parents split up when he and his brother were very young. Your husband's ex sounds like a carbon copy of my mother-in-law. My husband was raised in a home with his father, stepmother, brother, and two stepsisters. His stepmother was the best thing to ever happen to him. While she and his father have since split, she is still very close to her stepsons, she is even our next-door neighbor and my brother-in-law lives with her. She raised those boys as if they were her own, and they are now two of the sweetest, hard-working, compassionate men I know. Your job may be a thankless one, but one of the most important. I know if my husband and his brother had been raised solely or even 50% raised by their mom, things would have been wwwaaaaayyyy different. We still keep in touch with her, she has grown up a bit, but still has a ways to go, she also is like dealing with an immature teen, and her sons see that now that they are adults, and father/uncle. I hope you talk to your husband, and he sees the value and worth of your place in the family. Kudos to you, and when those kids grow up, I hope they will thank you from the bottom of their hearts.

I too used to get aggravated but nothing was worse than when we just were no longer allowed to see her. My husband was all done fighting with his ex and even though we had joint custody he just didn't push the visitation issue. My stepdaughter was older and we hoped and still do hope that she will eventually come around and we can establish a relationship again. It has been over 5 years since my children have seen her (2 don't even know her) and she is over 18 but still does not return phone calls or letters from any of us. No matter how difficult your situation you should remember it could be worse. Just take it one day at a time. Keep your chin up and Good Luck!!!

H.! I would love for you to get some "setting boundaries" books and possibly some counselling to deal with communicating how you "truly feel" in a constructive manner to both your partner and his ex.

I know you probably feel like you are at the effect of what is happenning to you but I beg to differ! My encouragement to you is to limit negative talk - allowing others to speak negatively to YOU- in your space and pose questions to cause both parties to acknowledge the HUGE amount of work this kind of unconditionnal work requires. You are in the driver's seat my friend and I would encourage you to get help to get yourself behind the wheel!

Also - Pick a MOM Night-Out to go out for 2 hours - even if its just to go to Barnes and Nobels to read - so you can separate yourself from becoming overwhelmed with no ending in sight! If necessary pick a weekend per quarter and visit a friend! Expand your horizons to protect your mental sanity!
C. - Mom of 5, EMT

H. hi,

I am a mom that has children with step parents. They are older now and I had to live with the fact that another person would have an influence on my children. Got to admit I did the "I'm their mother" line also....mostly for a dig. I found that I did not want to have to talk to her about our children. I wanted to talk mostly to just the father who help bring these children in to this world. I wanted to make their dad more responsible than the step mom. I also wanted a calm household. I do think step parents have it hard, I really didn't do much to make it easy for her in the beginning. It took some swallowing of my pride to realize she could be an asset to me. So it took a while but I gave in and let her help and my ex gave in and let my husband help. But I have to tell you it takes work!! I did it for the kids and I wouldn't change a thing now. If his children are not in danger with his ex, he really needs to stop fighting with her. Let her be a mom to her children. I don't blame you for wanting to step back, maybe they will see how good you really are. I hate to say this but sometimes even fighting with an ex all the time is a way to always have contact with them. Fighting has to stop so you can have a happy blended family. The benefit of getting along out ways who wins. I would make him more responsible so you don't have the feelings of running away!! Counseling just might help, that way you can get a more professional way to deal with all this. I wish luck!

D.

I would let your husband know that if he is not willing to give in to his ex, and let her have more time with their kids, then he needs to step up to the plate and be more of an active parent, then keeping you in that role. I find that a step parent has the hardest time. If that doesn't work, i would find a family counselor who specializes in working with divorced/stepfamilies. you might need an outsider who is would be objective and help you all find a better solution.

I totally agree with you! But, we only had the kids on weekends and the story was the same. I could barely handle that so full time for you must be torture. Dont get me wrong I love the kids but the problems were ultimately more that I could handle without support. I got out!! Good for you hanging in there- you're a brave woman.

You sound like an unsung hero to me! I know I could not do what you do. I guess the only advice I could give not being in your situation is try and stay tough and hope the custody stuff resolves itself soon. Just think of those poor two kids involved, it sounds like you are the only stability in their lives, they are lucky to have you.
The only recommendation I have is to call all 4 of them "your" kids, it might make it easier for the "other" 2.

Keep up your hard work!!

H. Z. SAHM (6, 4 1/2, 2 year old boys)

You need a family meeting STAT! you need to let everyone know that you love them, but making your life hard whiel you are doing your best is not working. Woul they like changes? what woudl the kids like? what do the kids need that they feel they ar enot getting that they are so h*** o* you?.

I also think you an dyour hubby needs counseling. he needs to see tha this is not a tug of war with his ex, that he has not failed if they go to live with her and the damage it is doing on his marriage with you.

the kdis need otknow that they are hurting you and that they need to step up to the plate as you are the one who is here, 24/7 for them and not their fantasy mom or that their parents will even get back together this is not the parent trap)

you need your voice and they need their ears and voices too

Hi H.,
I believe it is time to have a very serious heart to heart with your spouse. As you stated parenting is difficult as it is w/o the added stress of feeling alienated and misunderstood. I am pretty sure if he supported you emotionally and parentally then you would be able to produce the united front that is necessary to strengthen your family and fight this "intruder" (if you will).

Or- He may stop fight just long enough to see what is in the best interest of the children. Is it to have sole custodoy because she is unfit or for the sake of winning. Is it to find a common ground to provide a less tense situation for them and YOU!

I believe the place to start is to really tell him how you feel!!!

Good Luck!

T. G

I lived with my dad and stepmother for many years. Let me just give a little of the kid's side of things. They probably know, as I did, that you value your bio kids more than them. I can see that it would be natural to feel this way, but they are still children and most likely hurt by this. Perhaps their behaviors are a result of the resentment you feel towards the situation. I agree with others that you and your husband should deal with the issue in counseling. Please do NOT tell the kids they are hurting you! I still deal with the effects of a stepmother who had no empathy for what my brother and I went through in the divorce and aftermath. I'm sure they can be pains, but have your husband address that with them, not you. Best of luck and hand in there!

First off let me start off by saying I am not a step parent. So I don't have any personal experience about this. So do what you will with my advice ;). Second, I just want to commend you for being there for these kids. Sounds like you're the only stable thing in their lives right now. I know it can't be easy. I mean these kids are working mom and dad I'm sure. And then you've got the birth mother there who really sounds pretty clueless being a pain. It's no fun dealing with ex's. I'm happy to say my husband had no children with his ex, but yet somehow the woman is still a part of our lives as she married his brother. I can't stand the woman and am so thankful she did not have any children with my husband. Because if I had to deal with that woman and kids she had with my husband oh my god I would probably have decked her long ago.

By anyways, my anger aside I think you need to sit down and talk with your husband. Tell him how you feel in a non confrontational way. Use words like I feel... but don't tell him it's his fault or anything. You also need to do some soul searching. Even if it's stressful on you are those children better off with you than their mother? Is there some sort of compromise you can make with your husband when it comes to the care of his children? You know something like he comes home from work gets an hour to himself and then has to be there helping you with homework and baths or whatever else is stressing you out? Or maybe on his days off he can give you a few hours to just go recharge yourself while he deals with the children. And well when it comes to the mother I think you're just going to have to ignore her. Make it clear to her and your husband that you will not be put in the middle of their battle. They have something to say to each other they can say it to each other, but do not pull you in. Your only interest is the well being of all the children and you do not need the drama. But I do think you need to sit down with your husband and let him know how this is effecting you. And maybe the solution is going to be to on a trial basis let their mother take them a little more often than she is now if your husband is unable to give you the support you need. But if you are this frustrated with the whole situation then I'm sure you know that isn't good for your own biological children and I am sure that's the last thing you want to do is harm them in anyway especially. Don't let yourself get lost in the ex's fight though.

Hi H.,
I agree with those who have suggested counseling, both family and personal for you. You are dealing with a lot. Your husband needs to be clued in to the fact that you feel unsupported in your job of raising his children from his first marriage (not to mention your children together, it seems like). You're not a human punching bag. In order to give positive things you need to receive them as well, and it sounds like you're not...

The only thing I'd say about your husband's ex-wife and her "I'm their mother" line is, it sounds like she wants to have a bigger role in her children's upbringing, so try not to hold that against her. I don't know the full situation but having the info that is presented in your post it seems like saying that to you is the only recourse available to her. She may be bitchy but perhaps it's the only way she knows how to appeal to you as a mother...

Best of luck. My husband is step-father to my son and I know how hard it is for him, feeling unappreciated. I try to take that into account and thank him all the time for helping raise my son and being a good dad! Good step-parents are unsung heros.

My son spends 50% of his time with me and 50% with his dad, with step parents at both houses as well as siblings at both houses. At first it was hard for everyone to accept everyone -- my ex and I get along fine at this point (occasionally press each other's buttons, but that's to be expected) though it's taken a huge amount of work to get there -- but his wife and I just don't like each other. His dad and I are the ones that have the most contact, and his wife (the stepmom) and I are always courteous to each other at this point, and always have been in front of my son. Your kids mom (and stepkids are your kids too -- you are raising them as well as your biological kids) probably resents the fact that you get so much more time with them than she does -- I know I would be -- and presumably loves her kids, and that's why she wants the 50%. Try to give her the benefit of the doubt (unless it is dangerous for them to be with her of course) and all try to get along. Assuming that she is a decent parent, it's really in the kids best interest that they have equal time with their mom. My son once said that he feels lucky that he has so many adults that love him so much.

man i feel your pain and fustration as one who has been there and done that. i don't blame u one bit for feeling the way that u do. i had a similar thing going on for 15yrs!!!!!!! except i was not married(thank goodness) it's hard being in a relationship and raising sometone else's kid at the same time. i was always told u aint his mom u cant tell or yell at him like that etc etc etc. i kept my mouth shut a little too long until i gave the father an ultimatum. if u want your kid to continue to live with us then u are going to have to deal with me handling him the way i see fit. if u dont like it get lost. now after that i lived a little easier because he knew then that even if i was not this kids mother that i was not going to be the second wheel when it came to dealing with him. and why is your husband pushing so hard to keep these kids with him full time if u are the one that has to deal with their bull sh** allday everyday. u nedd to tell him that considering how he treats u when it comes to his kids that he needs to either a.let u deal with them as u see fit and stay out of the situation when your dealing with his kids or b. give his ex the full and i do me full custody of the kids and he see them on the weekends. this is not a fair situation for u but u need to put your feet dowwn and give him an ultimatum. its u and the kids without all the hassles or give them to the ex because when u married him this is probably the last thing u expected which was to be treated like the outsider in your own house. good luck H. u are goona need it. ps hope i didnt sound too harsh.

I cannot relate as I am not a stepmom, BUT you are absolutely right to feel this way, you are doing all the work it sounds like, and yes parenting is rewarding, but it is also the hardest job in the world as far as I am concerned. I also am a stay at home mom of one child and it is a lot of work, I love it and would choose nothing else and feel so lucky to be able to do it, but it is work. Why does the mother have so little time with her kids???? Is their a reason?? I think your husband is wrong and needs to comprimise a little, seeing as your the one doing everything. Hold your head up, you are obviousely an amazing person to be doing all of this. You need to try and talk to your husband, you should not be the one dealing with the mother of these kids or having to feel bad about being a mother to them when you have them. I understand her jelousey, I would die if I did not have my daughter with me, and she is just reacting out of pain I think, but still you need a break. Good luck!!

I don't have any advice for you, but as a stepparent, I feel your pain :) Good luck with this, and I'm hoping to see some good advice on here that I can use lol

Maybe it would helpful for you to start thinking of all 4 children as your own. I see you describe yourself as a SAHM to 4, 2 of them your own. If you could start thinking of all 4 children as your own- perhaps it would be easier for you to enjoy parenting them.

Please be careful that your resentment of the situation doesn't effect the way you parent your stepchildren. Kids pick up on stress and it's your job to protect them from it.

Good luck,
S.

Well, it doesn't sound like it is the parenting that is your problem. It sounds like the real problem lies with your husband and lack of support you feel from him. When you sign on to be married to someone who has kids then you are signing onto having to deal with his ex until those kids are 18 (at the very least). You obviously have a lot of resentment about the situation. Perhaps you could seek out some family counseling. Your post is seething and probably will invite some "nonconstructive" feedback.