Family Get Togethers and Events ... Can You (Sometimes) Just Say No?

You're perfectly fine saying no to this event, and you're fine with how you've been handling other events. We would do the same thing. My eldest daughter is finishing 5th grade this year and will be moving to the middle school for 6th grade next year. We're not having a "graduation" party because she's NOT GRADUATING. She's not even asking for a party because no one around here does that. except for high school and college. We don't throw parties for typical, expected, normal achievement that's not considered a huge milestone.

What if you divvied up the "little" things like the graduation events?
You go to one, hubby to another.
Or, just quick drop by on the way home and drop off a card and little gift.

I personally think it is okay to "just say no" to family.
And, yes, I envision Nancy Reagan every single time I hear this saying.

You definitely don't have to do it all. I'm in the same boat as you. Yes, we are fortunate to have family close by. But they seem to get together ALL THE TIME at the drop of the hat. If we said "yes" to every invitation for the BBQ's, showers, parties, dinners, and just-because-it's-Saturday events, we would never get any time to ourselves!! I don't think you're a jerk. And I also think graduation ceremonies except for high school and college are unneccesary. But that's a whole different issue!

As a mom with a sixth grade commencement ceremony looming, I can tell you my philosophy on this event: I invite, and if people can make it: great. If they cannot, since it is on a work night, after all: no problem. I just want to include people in the invitation and they can decide whether it is doable or not. I live pretty far from most of my family, so it is likely that no one other than FIL will attend. Either way, we will make it a special event for our daughter.

Your SIL may share my philosophy of invite and let the invitee decide whether it is workable or not, no hard feelings either way. Do what you can, when you can. The rest falls into place.

I think it is totally acceptable to skip this one. You have a family to tend to. Weeknights are rough for families, I know.

Just be sure to try to make the next event if you can.

Don't feel guilty about this. So long as you know you are involved in these people's lives and show you care, all is well.

=)

LL, I agree with you about not wanting to attend graduation from 5th grade. Like you we are fortunate to have the family all live within a 50 mile radius. We are close by. But unlike your SIL, I do not invite everyone to karate matches, softball tournaments, basketball tournament, soccer matches and gymnastic meets. The only thing we have invited the family to attend has been my daughters confirmation and my son's high school graduation. Everything else I feel is just too much. As for birthday's, what I do is mention to the family that we are having a birthday party and everyone that can attend is welcome to. If they show up fine, if not fine. I understand. It's one thing for us as the parents to be running to every other day at all times of the day and our whole weekends to, but I would not expect the rest of the family to. Especially after you have worked all day and you come home tired then you have to turn around to go to a game. If I were you, I would kindly decline the invite. Good luck.

Well I don't think you are a jerk! :) - But what do I know?

Totally know what your feeling. My husband and I work full time also. Over Memorial day weekend we spent Friday night after work and all Saturday moving some friends. Then Sunday we were invited to a cook out an hour away for my husbands family. Then on Monday...hubby went golfing but the kids and I were invited to come to another family gathering (same people) again only it was locally this time. (You bet I skipped the Monday cook out) I love his family...but sometimes I want to enjoy my only time off with however I want to enjoy it.

I'm a homeschooling mom, not working outside the home, and I can completely empathize with your thoughts. You sound entirely reasonable to me.

You are perfectly fine to say "Thank you so much for thinking of us. Unfortunately, we won't be able to make it". It is ok to skip some things/anything you want but be careful not to make it sound like it isn't "important" enough or SIL will be offended (you know, mama bear comes out sometimes).

I agree that there shouldn't be a "graduation" at each year's end but many times there is an end of year program that is cute to watch. The kids love having family in the audience. In this case, maybe you can skip and your hubby can go (if that is what he wants to do).

BTW, if it were high school graduation you probably couldn't be there because tickets tend to be very scarce and there often aren't enough for parents and grandparents let alone aunts and uncles.

Attend what you can, send regrets when you want or need to, but savor the moments. They grow up so fast.

a compromise? Whoever wants to go, goes... Husband wants to go? He goes. The kids want to go? They go with him. No hard feelings, though. If people are going to end up bitter from the fact that some people may not go, then you all just need to decide what you do want to do and don't. For instance, if THIS event is particularly very important to your husband, then all of you go to it, but then skip whatever next event there is...

I have some family that live close by, too- BUT they do stuff w/o us and vice-versa... and we do things together. This event does seem a bit special. i think I'd expect my family to go to it if it were my daughter (even if it is just a 5th grade level. my 6th and 8th grade graduation was a very big deal to me when I was young...)

I say no ALL the time! I am bad I guess and pick and choose! But really I'm very busy and can't make it to everything.

Example: Tomorrow's party...husband is in an all day class, we have a lemonade stand we agreed to be apart of, then I have training for day camp...so when we received the invite for tomorrow's party I was tempted to add it to the events...then I saw that for someone's bday party I was expected to bring a side dish....oh hell no! So I can't fit it in...

I think it is definitely ok to say no sometimes, especially if you make a point of saying yes to the important things.
Graduation from 5th grade is not something that the entire extended family should be expected to attend. You can definitely skip it. If your husband thinks it is that important, he should go alone and you can stay home with the kids, citing work and school as the reasons why.
If you attend everything, you will end up feeling resentful and annoyed, which is never good, especially within family. Attend when you want and politely decline when you don't. Good luck!

K.
http://oc.citymommy.com - connect with other moms in the community!

Send a family rep. for this one. Have your husband go. You can't keep the kids up late. They have school the next day. And enjoy the downtime. I love hanging with my husband but he plays softball once a week and I enjoy the peace and quite of my kids in bed. =0)

No you definitely don't have to go to everything, just the things you can and want to. I had a 5th grade graduation and family attended. From my point of view, it should be a moment of pride (even if it is 5th grade) for the student and for the parents and anything done to recognize kids for their achievement in school is a plus. I didn't expect 2nd cousins to attend and neither did my parents! If you are not into it, then don't go - but if your husband feels the need to - it is a show of support for his niece which is not a bad thing. Maybe he is used to attending all those types of family events from when he was a child with his own family? Personally I'd rather have a big family who likes to celebrate than one who doesn't.

Yes, these kinds of graduations and events are common now, even though they were unheard of years ago. If you want to stay home, please stay, but if your husband wants to attend, he should. There is no reason your whole family needs to be a "package deal." Split up occasionally.

Totally get what you're saying. Totally. If it's your husband's family, the main thing is that you two are in agreement about how to decide which events to attend, more so than whether or not you attend this particular event or not.

personally, I think the event is bogus! Graduation from 5th to 6th....shame on that school district!

Moving on....I try to attend every single event I'm invited to....because one day, those friends/family members may not be here. I've lost enough in my life to believe that we should embrace those in our blessed circle.

I have a friend who doesn't put any effort into being a friend/family member. She doesn't do most parties, rarely attended her kids' school events, & over the years has pretty much become an anti-social hermit....wallowing in self-pity & depression. I refuse to become like her! Love her to death, don't want to be her! & while that's her life, her choices......it's 100% not me....

Do what you want to do. If your husband wants to go, kiss him goodbye as he walks out the door and you enjoy a little alone time. My MIL used to do this to us ALL the time. She tried to keep up with all of her 1st, 2nd, 3rd cousins, all of their children, grandchildren etc. Oh, and I should mention we lived about an hour away. The first year I dated my husband, I was run ragged going to all of these things. Finally, when he was on the phone with his mother about going to someone's First Communion, he was like, "Oh, who's kid is that?" I felt like, hey, if you haven't ever met the kid by the time they are making 1st Communion, then cest la vie. I don't think my husband had even seen this particular child's parent since high school (related to the child's father, hadn't ever met the child's mother). Ri-DIC-ulous! At first, it was a little difficult, but now, when we go to something, everyone is just happy to see us. My husband and I both come from overly enmeshed families. Now that we are limiting things and focusing on our own family, we are treated with a lot more respect by everyone else. We are much less trampled upon, and when we invite family somewhere, they understand it's a very important event. Just to give an example of what I am talking about, the 1st year Mike and I were married, we had moved across the country. Without asking, his parents flew across the country with their 2 adopted children (now adults) who are both special needs, and stayed for almost two months (thankfully in a hotel). However, they barged in for our 1st Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year's Eve, New Years and anniversary as well as my 30th birthday. And yes, I got to cook and clean up after her entire brood through all of this. You need to politely set boundaries. You are not immediate family. You, your husband and your children are, and that's it! Sorry...this is a really sore subject for me.

I would decline, explaining the reasons stated. I would also invite your family to all of the events and let them choose. It sounds like everyone is busy, so having a large assortment of events to choose from might allow them to fit their schedule with your events. Anyway, its worth having the conversation. We have family within a 1 hour drive, and their son is years older. He has always had events on school nights at bedtime, and we may attend or not. After a while, my SIL stopped inviting us to stuff because she thought it would be too much trouble and I told her that I was offended, because there were several basketball games, etc. that I would have attended had I known about. So we just tell each other about everything now and we don't hurt each others feelings if we don't go.

It sounds like you're close to the kids, why stop now? I mean unless they have 100 kids the extra day to visit and have cake on birthdays is J. more time for your kids to all play together, and a little ceremony to see everyone is nice...you can sit around any day, shes only gonna finish 5th grade once..i think its nice they invite you, i wish my brother was more outgoing and invited M. over more