Family Drama: Cave In? Let Husband Handle It? Do It Myself?

Honey, you married your husband. You need to be a team with him. By allowing your dad to walk all over you (and yes, that's exactly what he's doing), you're telling your husband that your father is more important than him. And is that how you really feel?

So yeah - I think you should absolutely let your husband call your father and tell him to once and for all respect his daughter enough to not come the ONE weekend she said no. Or better yet, call your father yourself. Your entire post is about justifying why your father treats you so badly and why you allow it. From the outside in you look like a battered spouse to your father. Stand up for yourself and your family and tell your dad he's simply not invited. If he gets his feelings hurt, then so be it.

FYI - you are now an adult and can make decisions that affect your family. You don't have to do what your daddy says anymore. Make decisioins with your husband and stick to them.

I think you should stand your ground. You did nothing wrong. Stand with your husband!

Everything Everley said was true! My parents were the same way. Everything was all about them. No one elses feeling were ever considered.

The only way to deal with someone like this is to decide (beforehand) what you are going to say and then ONLY say that. It will feel odd, it will feel awkward and will take time to adjust to, but you have to do it if you are going to move forward with someone like this

One poster said ""Dad, I have told you no for this weekend, when you have had to cancel visits due to illness or inconvenience, I have respected that, you must do the same. I can not entertain you at our home this weekend"

No matter what your dad comes back with you reply with this and only this line. Write it down and just read it to them if you have to . Do not change a word of it b/c if you do, they (he) will find an opening and manipulate that opening to where you're now having a big discussion that he is going to win.... b/c he always does. I would even call the wife and tell her the same thing so that (maybe??) she can do something about it too?? Obviously she is probably easily manipulated so you'll need to say to her "no matter what he tells you" .... and then repeat the above quotation that you said to your dad.

Re: him being in your children's life.... do you really want your children o learn to be a master manipulators and to treat you like this when they're 14 and start to understand how easily you can be played?? B/c that's what time with Grandpa will do for them.... not some ideal you seem to have of grandpa playing catch w/ the boys.

You need to read a few books or talk to a counselor re: co-dependency so that you can learn how to manage your relationship with your father. If you can't do it for yourself right now please do it for your children b/c yo don't really want them doing this to your grandchildren do you? Best of luck and let us know what happened!!!

You were snowed! You told him no several times. He knew he could manipulate you into what he wanted and did. You need to call Dad and tell him that upon review it just isn't going to work. If he starts in, say, "Dad, I have told you no for this weekend, we you have had to cancel visits due to illness or inconvenience, I have respected that, you must do the same." I would then hand up. You need to disenage from the conversation. By continuing to talk about this subject, it remains open in his mind thus he will continue to push to get his way.

Your dad is a piece of work. You need to set the boundaries and not let him cross the line and when he does be ready to take action! Good luck!!!

Your husband is right. You were right, until you caved; dad wore you down really well. Sounds like a lifelong pattern -- is that right?

But it's up to you, not your perceptive and wonderfully protective husband, to deal with this. The adult child should deal with his or her own parent. It may be too late to "disinvite" dad. But whether it's on the phone before he leaves (to stop him from coming) or once he's there, you must talk to him alone -- no husband, grandpa, uncle, kids, anyone -- and say you regret caving in; you want to have some level of relationship; but he is dictating the terms of it, and that does not work for your family. If he continues to do this he will have no relationship at all. Say it and mean it.

If you let your husband handle it, your dad will blow it all off like this: "It's just the son-in-law being a (whatever) and keeping me away from my own daughter and grandkids. I bet my daughter really does want me around." YOU must do this, not your husband. It is terrific that your husband has your back and wants to protect you! But get moral support and ideas from him without letting him do what you know you need to do yourself.

Your dad is showing a complete, utter lack of any respect for you as an adult; he is treating you like a child who can be railroaded into doing what he wants. If your husband does the "no more, dad" talk, your father will be even less respectful of you -- he will see you as weak and unable to stand up to him.

After this debacle, find a location halfway between your home and dad's home and make that the regular rendezvous spot for occasional overnight visits on your terms and your time. That way, you are not babysitting grandpa if you don't want to, and dad is not imposing on you at your house, either. And be glad that manipulative, disrespectful dad is five hours away.

A marriage is a team, time to put your husband in the game. This isn't petty family drama, this is someone invading your/your family's personal space. Yes, you should be stronger when it comes to standing your ground with your dad. You should also not hesitate to use backup when necessary.

you have made your self clear, and your father has made it clear that you saying no, is not enough. so have your husband say it too!

next time! Stick to your guns! You do NOT have to Justify, you do not HAVE to argue with him!

The problem is that you continued to argue with your father and hear him out. "Not that again. Dad, we're not talking about it. See you in November. Bye." ::click::

Your dad won with you just like little kids win arguments... through perseverance. The only way to nip it in the bud is to refuse to argue and continue to discuss even if it's to repeat the same arguments and explanations. As long as you do that, then they think they have a chance to "win."

Let your husband call. And if your dad still shows up you don't let him in.

Your husband is right.
Having your Dad around is not going to magically turn him into the father/grandparent you want him to be.
The only thing your kids are going to learn from him is how to manipulate as he does.
Life is too short for inviting this kind of drama into your life.
You are married with children and your husband and your kids are your family unit now - they come first before your Dad.
Stick with exchanging Christmas/birthday cards and leave it at that.

Well I like your husband. More than I like your father.

Clearly, your Dad can manipulate and control YOU, but he CAN'T manipulate and control HIM. I see why you married him. Nice to have someone go to bat for you.

I guess I'd let my husband have a stab at it. Afterall, you're a TEAM, right?

Geez, like you don't have ENOUGH goin' on.

:(

Worst case scenario is they show up: Little kids wont be bothered by old people hanging out, they might even be a good distraction to have around.
You DONT Have to do A THING when they get there since you werent expecting them to show up early, just set them in another room until the party is finished. Your dad will be bringing his wife, I'm sure she can take care of grandpa and uncle until you've gotten the party out of the way. It does sound like your dad want's to be the center of his daughters universe. The past is past. Might be good to show some leniency since you don't see him very often.

handle it yourself....is my motto. You tried, you failed, your dad won.

do not allow your DH to get caught in the middle.

It's a done deal at this point.

& honestly, this was nothing but a pissin' match between 2 family members who share bad history. You truly had valid reasons for not wanting him there....but he is Gpa, the kids like him.....& in his eyes, there's really not a viable reason for not being welcome. Yes, he is adding 5 more to the party....& yes, 2 of them may not enjoy the party....but they are family & your closest family to boot!

Instead of feeling angst over their attendance, how about flipping this & try to find a way to applaud this wonderful opportunity to connect the generations? My own gpa was a grouchy, opinionated man & his great gkids adored him. The ones who remember him love looking at the photos commemorating shared events! All the way up to his last year with us, he still handed out Halloween candy, still dyed his own Easter eggs, & always enjoyed attending BDs & holidays. Even if the old guy is "gripey", he can still need some family love......

I personally think your husband should stay out of it. IF you agree with your husband you should call and tell your dad not to come. IF you don't, I would call your dad remind him that he may not under no terms come between the party times. And if he does he will not be allowed to enter in. I would also remind him about the time you were all ready and packed to visit him and he called to ask that you not come and you honored his wishes, so the least he could do was honor yours.

I think it IS important to have grandparents in your childrens life. My dads parents died by the time I was 7 and at that time my mom got in a fight with her mom so bad we hardly saw my moms parents. I barely know them....I am sad I missed out on having grandparents.

Good luck!

This goes deeper than your father not listening to you, he does not really respect you.

Yes he loves you, but he thinks his wishes and demands are more important than yours.

Even with your own children, when they REALLY ask you to do something or not to do it, you recognize the times to respect their wishes.
EX.. invited to a persons party they really do not want to attend. You do not make them? Do you? No, you know these are their true needs and wishes.

Your father sounds like he has never actually respected you as a person. He just thinks you are one of his possessions. Yeas, you will always love him, but you are now having your eyes, ears and brain opened to the truth.

Even though you should have done this years ago, it is now time to reset your relationship with your father. You love him, but, he will never again be allowed to Boss you, Shame you and wear you down for his wants, when you have a need.

You have your own family now. They are your priority because you are raising them.. You dad is who he is. He has made his choices.. He comes 4th in your life.

You are number 1. You must be your best to take care of the rest of the members in your life.

Your husband is number 2. He is your best friend, your soul mate, the love of your life. You will live and love him longer than anyone else for your whole life.

Then your children are 3.. You love them, they are part of you, but you are raising them so they can go forth and have their own lives.

Then you have your parents. You love them you are thankful for them, but they are in charge of themselves, you can help, but you cannot let them over ride your own family unit..

Be strong, you are the Mama! If you cannot handle your father, THEN take your husband up on his offer to step in for you, but make sure your father knows you ASKED your husband to do this for you.

Your father is totally f*cking with you. Let your husband call your dad and tell him not to come and be done with this. I let my husband handle my crazy family sometimes because he's better at it and doesn't allow himself to be manipulated.

YOU eventually caved and told him "Fine. You can come, but do not come for the party."

Now you & husband have to deal with the plans you made--whether you were manipulated into it or not.

When you speak to your dad again, stress YET again that he is NOT to arrive until after 1:00.

Your husband needs to stay out of it.
Pray for the best.

I think your dad needs to hear it from you, and you need to start practicing standing up for yourself with him. He has no boundaries. I cannot believe you told him over and over not to come this weekend and it is like he did not even listen! It just went in one ear and out the other! So rude.
If you still want a relationship with your father, that is absolutely your right (and lets be clear- it is up to YOU, not your husband to decide). but I would recommend reading some books about setting boundaries or even talking to a counselor. I would imagine it would be very helpful and give you some strategies for next time.
I would write down what you want to say to your dad. If it helps, have Jer stand by you while you make the phone call; it might make you feel stronger and less likely to cave. If anything, I would call today and say, "I really need to make sure that you understand we can accomodate you ANYTIME after 1 pm Saturday. I feel that you have not been listening to me because I told you 4 times that Saturday would not be a good day for a visit. I am worried that you may show up early and that will not work for us. Can you please promise me that you will respect my wished and come after 1 pm?" If he does indeed show up early on Saturday, don't let him in!

It might have to come from Jeremy. I know my mom will go off on my about something but if my husband says the same thing it's different. She will shut up. Your dad has learned how to manipulate you. If he comes tell him to call when he is leaving in the moring so you know when to expect them to get there and know to tell him to go eat lunch before he comes over cause there will be nothing for them to eat in the house.

Good luck and God Bless!

Well, you set a boundary and your dad didn't respect that boundary. He pushed and pushed and you caved in. If you call him again, is he going to respect the boundary you set, again? What is the likelihood that you will cave, again? How important is it that he NOT be here this weekend, both because of the party and simply because you asked him not to and want to be respected in your own home? Do you think your husband will have a better shot setting this boundary and that your dad will be less likely to cross him?

If it is important to you that he not be here this weekend, and you want him to stay home, but you feel he won't listen or you will cave, if your husband will have a better shot at being respected, then let him handle it. As long as it is with the understanding that he doesn't have to like your dad, but he DOES have to speak to him respectfully, if it will help make happen what you need to have happen, let your husband do his thing.

I dont' see what the big deal is if he came to the birthday party but was not staying with you. It would be nice but it sounds like with all the drama he should have known better. Since you will be busy I would not take anymore calls from him this week. If he shows up unanounced be gracious but by no means go out of your way when you have you hands full. Sorry this is happening.

I would confirm everything with his wife after talking to dad every time.