Explaining Race and Racism to a 4Yr Old

Oh why, WHY on earth would you subject your daughter to that? I would NOT explain to a four-year-old that someone is treating her badly because of her skin color. She WON'T understand that, and she will feel bad.

Just tell her that "I'm so sorry that we can't be friends with ___ any more, but ___'s Mommy is not being very nice to us. We don't want to be friends with people who treat us that way."

She doesn't need to know the gory details.

And SHAME SHAME SHAME on your friend for allowing her racist mother to dictate her life. That is SO sad. I'm SO sorry that your daughter has to lose a friend over this.

Please don't tell her this is about her race, of COURSE that will make her feel bad about herself, no matter how you say it! That's a conversation you can have when she's older.
Just explain that her friend's family has been too busy to play lately. Get together with other people, make sure your daughter has a chance to play with other friends. She's 4, she'll get over it more quickly than you will.
As far as your friend, yes, get together (without the kids) and ask her what's going on. Maybe there's more to it than you know, maybe you're making an incorrect assumption.

I wouldn't even explain that in terms of race. Some people are hateful and they find petty reasons to hate people. Race is a really petty stupid reason to hate, ya know?

Thing is sure she is going to come across people that blindly hate her for her race but if she is smart people will hate her because she is smarter them, if she is pretty people will hate her because she is prettier than them.

Maybe it is just me but I would go with ignorant people hate for no real reason because that is what happens.

Am I the only one who can't help but think how confused her friend is? I mean come on, this is his friend and now he can't see her because his grandparents are haters? Have you talked, bluntly, to your friend? I am sure your friend feels stuck in the middle but reaching out with I am worried about how this is effecting the kids, may break down that wall. Surely she doesn't want her son around all that hating, ya know?

I wouldn't go into a detailed explanation of why these folks don't want her around. That would make her think that there is something wrong with her. She's a sweet, innocent kid, let her stay that way. Get her involved with new friends and new activities. If she presses you for answers, explain diversity and culture to her. Simply put: we are all different, we come from different walks of life; some will people get along with one another, some won't. That's just how the world works.

Just my 2 cents.

what kind of a best friend would allow their parents to mistreat their child's friend to accommodate their racial jerk parents?
i'm glad your daughter ISN'T allowed over there any more. no need for her to be exposed to that sort of toxic unsupportive atmosphere.
stop lying to your daughter. there's never a need for that. you can be truthful with her in an age-appropriate fashion. honesty doesn't require baring every sordid detail.
nor does a 4 year old require a sit-down discussion about why a friendship is being dissolved. her focus is on the present, she doesn't need to know what will or won't happen in the future, and long philosophical explanations are confusing for littles.
the best thing to do is simply find other friends and occupations for your daughter. if she asks to play with the little boy, you can simply say 'that's not a good idea right now.' it's very unlikely that she'll push for explanations, but if she does you can say 'there are people living with him right now who aren't very friendly.'
racism isn't something you need to have a Big Talk about, it should be an ongoing dialogue with all children, especially bi-racial ones. rather than rattling a child's cage with a gloomy Big Talk, opportunities can always be found throughout real life to introduce and discuss these issues. you can begin with talking about skin tones, 'look at those children on the swing set. let's count how many have skin that's colored like milk. good! how about ones whose skin looks like dark chocolate? and over there by the slide, that little boy has skin like creamy coffee, just like you! i love all the pretty colors of skin.' another time it can be 'look at that group of children riding their bikes. looks like that little white girl wants to join them. i hope they let her!'
once there's a dialogue ongoing, it's easy enough to find occasions where it's not going so well for one kid or another, and to talk about that.
i'm sorry your friend is letting you and your child down in this way. but don't let this be a negative in your daughter's life. just let it be part of the narrative.
khairete
S.

I haven't read the other responses yet but I think if I were in your shoes I would NOT tell your daughter about racism. 1. It may hurt her self esteem or cause self doubt. 2. She's too young to even grasp the concept and understand what racism and hate are, so why would you want to introduce those thoughts to her? 3. It could cause division in her mind that there is a difference between white and black (other than color of skin.) 4. She will learn the truth about an ugly thing called racism in due time, no need to rush things.

I'm so sorry that you and your daughter have to suffer. Can you invite the friend to your house instead or can you all enjoy each others company elsewhere instead of your friends house?

Best wishes to you and your daughter in this cruel world.

Great question. I would try to keep it as simple as possible. You explained it simply here. Her friend's grandparents choose to not like someone because of their ethnic background and because of this she won't be able to play with him any longer. As for the mother of the little boy, those are her parents and they are being disrespectful in her home. I wouldn't stand for that. You don't get to dictate who comes and goes in and out of my home. She may not have what it takes inside of her to deal with her parents this way so you get to choose if you want to continue to befriend her. It is so easy to walk away. It is harder to choose to love her anyway and try to see the world through what she may be having a hard time dealing with.

The main thing would be to use this time to help foster new friendships for your daughter. Friends will come and go but we all get to choose our friends but not our family. I really hope this helps.

UPDATED
I'm African American and we have to deal with this everyday. Most of the time it is very subtle like the images you see on the tv with not very many women looking like you to the blatant. It really doesn't have to be a big huge thing but she does need to be equipped with the truth and you are the one to provide her with that but encourage her to have even more friends. This one may be lost but he isn't the only white boy in the world to befriend and play with. Keep up the great work.

Ugh.
I think maybe the best approach might be just to reinforce to your child that people come in all different colors. I remember showing my son my arm compared to his (we're both white) because there are variations in color between everyone!
Have your daughter's friend over to YOUR house.
Don't let their friendship be a casualty of the grandparents racism!

Oh PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.................. DO NOT explain this to your beautiful child!! Why would you want to open her up to a world of hurt now at such a young and sweet / innocent age?? Honestly, shame on your friend, and I would very quickly end that friendship. Anyone who I am friends with who would allow my color or the PIGMENT of my skin to effect our friendship is NOT worth having around as a friend, and worse, could or WILL damage your innocent child's ever so fragile self esteem. There are SO many other people to be friends with in the world. Go out and find somebody else to be friends with. Tell your daughter that you are no longer able to see your friends because they are busy, or are not near by. Whatever you have to say at this point to PROTECT her. I'm sure there will come a time in her life soon enough when she will have to deal with jerks on her won, so why start it now? Hug her, remind her how smart, beautiful, and important she is. She is an amazing little person who deserves to be loved by all who meet her. I'm sorry, but this stuff really makes me CRAZY! It breaks my heart! People can suck, and a lot of times our "older" generation seems to be stuck in the old way of thinking. They can deal with it on their own, as long as they don't damage the psyche of our wonderful youngsters who will be running our country in the near future. As long as we continue to talk about the differences, and allow the discrimination... it will continue. It needs to STOP! Do NOT allow this person to get in your baby's head and make her question her worth. She is far too young to have to deal with arrogance, stupidity, and honestly hate. Give her a big hug, tell her she is loved, and find new friends. <3
Ok, I know it's not this simple, but it SHOULD be. I have never sat my kids down and talked to them about the fact that I have red hair and they have brown and blonde hair. I have green eyes and they have brown and blue eyes. To me, it's pretty much the same thing. Why do we feel the need to seperate people into groups based on skin pigment when the same isn't true for hair or eye color? Or even take it a step further, religion? I have never seen anyone seperate friends into protestant/ catholic/ jewish/ etc. I just DON'T get it. It makes me SO mad! I am not simple, I do understand.I understand that at some time there were big cultural differences, and maybe there still are. However, there are big cultural differences between people who live up north and those who live in the south, are there not? I really don't see much difference. I think it's time that we all get past this and move on. Our world would be so much better if we just "got" it finally. People are all the same, we just look different. We all want to be loved and respected. Animals have no issues mixing breeds. Why do we? Who is smarter? UGH! (sorry, I had to get that out)

This woman is not a friend! You are right to end the relationship. If she rejects you and your daughter because your daughter is black she is behaving as a RACIST. She may not be personally prejudiced, or dislike you or have "a racist bone in her body," but racism isn't about our personal feeling or our bones... it's about ACTION.

That being said...

Do NOT put this load on your daughter. There is NO WAY for her to understand this in a way that will not make her think there is something wrong with her or make her worry that any friend at any moment might decide not to play with her.

Tell her that she cannot play there because the grandparents are staying. Period.

Moving forward, you can talk to your daughter about race by weaving it into all your normal healthy conversations. Talk about racism when you talk about kindness, fairness and their opposites. When she is older and recognizes racism on her own, THEN remind her of the ended friendship with so and so to illustrate that racism exists and touches us all.

HTH
T.

PS. For what it's worth... I am a biracial African-American woman. My mother is white, my father was black.

I haven't read any other responses, but my first thought is that I would not talk to your daughter abour racism and why you believe she is not being asked over any longer. First, you don't know for sure that it's the in-laws; 2) there is no way for you to tell your daughter that and not have her feel bad about herself. She will figure out racism as she gets older but right now she just doesn't have enough life experience to understand it and overlook it.

I would, however, sit down with my friend immediately and get to the bottom of it. I kind of feel sorry for your friend - she's caught in the middle between her friend and her in-laws. I don't know if I would dissolve the friendship - she's not responsible for the racist attitudes of her in-laws.

By the way, you said your daughter is not allowed in the house, but you didn't say whether you'd invited the child to your home to play. Maybe it's just a matter of the house being too crowded and the in-laws not being patient with the kids playing. You could be reading this totally wrong.

I wouldn't lay this kind of stuff on a 4 year old. Why inflict this kind of sadness and confusion on such a young child when it is not necessary? I would just explain that they moved and that you will not be able to see them anymore, if you do indeed intend to dissolve the friendship.

I am sure the time for this 'talk' will need to happen but I personally wait til she is older and will understand it better.

Talk to your friend first - if her parents are horrible and she's stuck in the middle, she may be glad to be able to talk to you about what she's dealing with. Don't attack because she can't do anything about it. My dad is racist so I have an idea of what she's dealing with. She is probably trying to protect your child. Find out what's really going on, and brainstorm to make things work if she's stuck dealing with racist parents. If it's something else, deal with that. Once you know what's going on, take it from there. But I don't know if your daughter needs to know about racism at 4 - that's a lot to process for a little one and there's nothing she can do about it. Don't put that on her shoulders.

Hi H.,

I did not read all the other responses so forgive me if I repeat. I think explaining racism to your daughter is not necessary because, sadly, she will probably experience it at school and she will ask you. At that time I would give a brief, age appropriate explanation. I would also point out something positive, such as how Barack Obama is our President, or something of that nature so that she can see 1. racism exists on a continuum and not everyone is racist and 2. someone biracial just like her is President of our country. I think that is really important.

I agree with the other posters that your friend may just be shielding you from the parents because she is embarrassed. You might try talking to her about it. I am really embarrassed by my dad's racism (well, I was before Barack got elected and my dad fell in love with him lol but that's another post)...long story short, I would not have subjected a four year old to his nonsense, ever...

I would just like to say sorry in advance for all of the hurtful stuff that your daughter might hear growing up, but also please know that lots of us are raising our children to NOT be racist...