My ex just met a woman a couple weeks ago. Our kids met her last night for a few minutes at her work. She is moving in with him on Saturday. I am very concerned as this is really sudden and they don't really know her. First he said one kid would be moving in too, now it is two kids. She has six kids. Ex and I don't get along. We had a parenting consultant who forbid him from having girlfriends overnight, as he has made poor decisions before. We no longer have a parenting consultant. What should I do?
So I did some research on the latest girlfriend, as it concerned me that my children would be living with a complete stranger. Something didn't sit right with me. It turns out she has a long list of legal problems, including being a convicted felon. Most of her problems are alcohol related, but include many dwi's, and some assault charges. My ex is a white collar professional, so this behavior was not at all the norm for us, however it seems to be his new norm. Long story short she moved her stuff in, but didn't move in. I reminded him of the parenting consultant's rule, and I am not sure if that changed his mind or not. As of Friday night he was still expecting her to move in on Saturday. The kids were with me all week for vacation. Now he is planning a slumber party with an ex girlfriend and her kids for the next weekend my kids are there. In short, I have no idea what is going on. All I know is my kids feel insecure about being there. The parenting consultant quit, for those who are wondering, but his decisions stand.
Why aren't you reaching out to the Parenting Consultant? There should be paperwork that discussed the parameters that were reached regarding this issue. Just because you no longer have an active case with them, it sounds like issues were resolved.
Call the Parenting Consultant - folks on the internet can't help you with this.
I think it depends on what's in your divorce/custody/visitation agreement. What the parenting consultant said (while I agree) is immaterial if nothing is in writing. What is obligating him to following the consultant's advice? Only what's in a signed agreement or court decree, right? So if the parenting consultant filled the role of a mediator with some legal authority, I'd get back in touch and see what happens if one party doesn't follow the agreement. It may be that you don't have to send the kids there for overnights. I had a friend who didn't send her kids because the ex didn't have an apartment, and then he got one but didn't have a crib for the toddler, so she was legally able to withhold visitation.
I understand your concern for the children's stability and having someone in and out of their lives. But I agree with Doris Day's point about his money going to support 1, 2 or 6 kids. You'd best get all those ducks in a row and be sure your support is ensured or (better yet) that it's taken out of his paycheck.
A friend has a good divorce arrangement, and then her husband up and quit his teaching job (with medical benefits and lots of shared custody with him taking the kids 2 nights a week plus alternate weekends and the usual division of holidays), and he moved 4 hours away, married someone quite quickly, and took a part time teacher's aide job with no benefits. Her life has become a maze of food stamps, state health insurance for the poor (and thank God we're in Massachusetts with healthcare that was the model for the ACA), and now he's rarely seeing the kids and he stopped paying support 2 years ago. She's got help from her parents and is building her court case wisely - fortunately she can afford to bide her time with her parents helping out. But it's been awful. So if you have less protection than she does, I'd suggest you really get on top of this.
Do you have anything that addresses this in your divorce agreement? Ours has that we will not introduce a significant other to our children unless we talk to our ex first and that there are to be no overnights with a significant other until the relationship is 6 months old. That would, of course, preclude moving in with someone during that time period as well. If you don't, then perhaps it's time for a modification, or getting the consultant involved again, and suspending visitation until there has been enough time to fully vet the situation.
Get another parenting consultant.
His poor decisions are not your problem anymore except where it comes to the child(ren) you have between you.
If he's broken any sort of official custody agreement between you, then sue for full custody of your kids.
Can you get a parenting consultant again? I would get ahold of someone asap!!!
I guess the obvious question would be - can you get another parenting consultant or contact the one you had previously? I don't know what one does exactly but if they were able to forbid him from having girlfriends overnight, then that sounds like the person to contact for this.
A friend of mine has a clause in some term (not sure what exactly) where her spouse can't drink. He had a habit of getting drunk when the children were in his care. I don't remember them having a parenting consultant, so I am thinking it was something that was handled in court or by the lawyers.
Talk to your lawyer about child support. If this man lets 6 kids move in with him, you'll probably end up with no child support. I would also discuss the issue of your kids spending the night with a houseful of people that are literally strangers. Just because they are children doesn't mean that they are "siblings".
When you say you "no longer have a parenting consultant" - why not? You were working with lawyers and resolved everything? You stopped paying? Often if a disagreement like this arises while working with a parenting consultant, you would be advised to go to a mediator. It sounds like you and your ex need to continue to work on some issues and a mediator might be a good idea.
Beyond that, in general, "making poor decisions" is often why someone becomes an "ex" in the first place!! And without trying to mediate an agreement there is not much you can do about his new choice of girlfriend.
It's none of your business what he does in his own home. That's absurd to have had anyone tell you that you could control him like that.
If you and he don't get along then the further out of his life you stay the better off you will be. If the kids don't like what's going on over then there THEY need to talk to dad themselves. Depending on their ages they could even go to court and have their visitations revised, reduced, or removed. If they don't have a problem then they don't need to talk about what's going on over there with you, at all, okay?
How would you feel if they were going to dad's house telling everything you're doing at your own home? If you were doing this or that and it wasn't really any of his business.
It goes both ways.
I had a co-worker that went through a nasty divorce. He divorced her because she got "saved" and went off the deep end. Refused to allow him to even take his own kids to his parents house because they smoked. So when they went to court she put in the divorce decree stuff from her attorney, that the judge had to rule on, that smoking around her kids caused them to get sick and she requested that the judge not allow her kids to be around smoking.
The judge said okay so the dad requested that any place where smoking was allowed would be off limits. So guess what? The kids don't get to go to the county fair, they can't go to flea markets, they can't go to public rodeos or anything because mom didn't want her kids to be around her ex's family and came up with the smoking idea and thought she'd make sure "her" kids wouldn't ever be around "his" family. And that would hurt him.
In the end it was her and her kids that paid the price more than anything because one of their favorite family activities was going to like county fairs. The girls also couldn't do any performances in dance that weren't in auditoriums. If they danced at an Oktoberfest event they could go, smoking would be allowed on the grounds, if the girls were going to dance at an outdoor event like a Renaissance festival they could go, smoking was allowed on the grounds, by trying to be too involved in the dad's life with his children this mother lost out on time with her own kids.
That's my point. Leave him and his household alone and just focus on your own. If the kids come home and tell your that she's abusing them or neglecting them and they aren't old enough to tell dad about it then you might want to figure out what to do at that point.
Maybe that is part of the reason he is having her move in, since he is not allowed overnights. Unless the kids are in danger I really don't think there is much you can do, but you can try getting another Parenting consultant.
