*Edited*developing an Attitude of Gratitude in My 4.5 Yr Old

The part of the brain that gets gratitude isn't fully developed yet. In fact that part of the brain isn't fully developed until some time in the 20's.

I suggest you're trying too hard to please. He needs more definite boundaries. Instead of turning around for BK, tell him we are going to Chic fil a today. BK another day. And then don't respond to his tantrum.

Because he's not able to accept no, I suggest it would've been best to not start the movie. I wonder if unconsciously you're hoping that he'll compromise with 10 minutes and then another 10 minutes. You're wanting to avoid the meltdown but by trying to do that you're just postponing it. And.....I suggest because he's been able to talk you into the change he's unconsciously thinking he can keep getting what he wants. And his anger builds.

That's the most important thing about tantrums. We have to completely ignore them. They are in part a bid for attention as well as the child hoping to get what he wants as a result. Once he's calmed down then go about business as usual. Do sympathize with him and is disappointment but only after he's calm. He's not listening while he's screaming.

You can teach him an alternative to meltdowns. Ask him to use his words and model for him, "I'm angry! I wanted to watch that movie! Say the words in an intense way.

As far as teaching manners, it's good to teach children to say please, thank you etc.. Don't expect them to mean it at first. It's a manner's thing at first. As they practice saying it they do gradually come to mean it.

You can foster a measure of gratitude by modeling gratitude. Say such things as I'm glad that you did such and such. Or, I'm glad that I was able to have such and such for lunch. We have a lovely home. I'm glad for it. Casually remind them of things to be thankful for. Again, gradually, it will make sense to them but at first it's more rote than feeling.

Well, sweetheart, I hear a generous-hearted mom who's a bit too much of a soft touch. I hear you descibing times when you are lenient, and other times when you are sternly trying to compensate for the lenient times.

You would probably have much better times with your son if you decide AHEAD of time what the schedule must be and exactly what the limits are. Then you present your new decisiveness to your son, and live by it. Build in for his interests and preferences like any good mom would. Then let him know at the beginning of those times that this IS the situation. Period. He won't like it at first because he thinks he can whine or scream his way to gettig more of what he wants. After all, it occasionally works!

Kids and adults have this built-in response to "Intermittent Rewards," which have a more powerful effect on us than even constant rewards. They release addictive chemicals in the brain, and we want more and more of them. And if we even occasionally get what we demand, we'll keep demanding – repeating whatever strategy got us those pleasure chemicals in the past.

So giving in occasionally to son gets him that hit of bliss and sets up a need for more of same, and is accompanied by a not-unreasonable expectation that he can get it if he demands hard enough. It looks like he's just tantruming selfishly, and he is, but from his limited experience, he's actually after his next hit of dopamine, and he doesn't even know that.

My grandson, now 6, has the occasional period when he becomes demanding and uncooperative. We've noticed it's always after a being around extended family who are happy to "bend rules" just for fun, or who like to spoil the heck out of kids. I've actually pointed this out to him, and he sort of gets it. But he still can't seem to control the irritability after those heady days of indulgence. We just help him breathe like his karate teacher advises.

I don't think you can teach gratitude to anybody. But you can learn it and live it, and when others see/feel that, it is likely to rub off on them, because it feels good, too.

Just the fact of you turning the car around to go to BK on his request....that says it all.....stop trying to please him just to keep him from having a tantrum...let the little spoiled brat in him come out...and let him scream and cry...and then just ignore. And if you're out and he does it...put his little butt in his bedroom when he gets home. I for one would have no part in his little mind games...you are indeed too soft.

J.,

Lower your expectations regarding gratitude. I see this question a LOT on this forum. We parents knock ourselves out and then are stunned by the way our kids treat us. This is "normal" for this age, but I'm also going to give you a few solid parenting tips:

When Dad is away, think of fun things to do that don't zap you of your energy. Sometimes, doing "more for them" is actually setting yourself up for being more upset because you are doing a lot of work and are drained.

When the tantrum started because he "didn't want Chick-fil-A", THAT was the time to turn the car around and go home. I know it sounds mean, but by acquiescing to a tantrum, you have given him all your power. Whenever you are trying to do an 'nice' thing for him and he won't cooperate, just stop. Immediately. Personally, I will not take a belligerent child anywhere, other than a bench to sit down. (When my son has acted up on errands, I have sat in the rain on a bench until he's ready to cooperate. I will not be told what to do by a child. )

Model what you want to see. I am big on giving my son 'Thank yous'. I get a lot of them back these days. He's almost five.

Lastly, we can do and do for kids but they just don't quite 'get it'. I believe appreciation comes later. For now, expect good behavior, expect decent manners (including please and thank you...don't ask him for "the magic word" when he wants something, make him "Try it again" in a pleasant tone of voice and a whole sentence "May I please have some..."

I hope this helps. Bedtime for my own Kiddo calls, but as I said, don't expect him to be knocked out by YOU knocking yourself out for him, but do up the expectations on manners and swift, consistent correction for when he throws tantrums. Remember-- do not give him his way when he tantrums and yells. You are the adult, in charge...YOU make the decisions. (If he gets what he wants with the yelling,it's a powerful reinforcement.)

uuuhhhh....you tell him you are going to CFA, he says he wants BK so you turn the car around? Its no wonder he throws a tantrum!!!!! Don't give in to him and then expect him to handle his disapppointment well. Its good he knows what he wants. That will lead to him being a more confident child. But right now give him choices where he can live with either decision. He is 4.5. He isn't old enough to decide where you drive your car and when, so don't let him think its up to him in those situations. Don't argue with him, don't reason with him when it comes to things out of his control.

Dear J.,

This is the hardest lesson for parents to learn. Children need to learn to go without as much as being loved on. If you give a child all he/she wants, what do you get? A spoiled brat! (and there are plenty in this world!) Let them do without once in awhile...what do you get? A gratefulness in your child. You have to go without to appreciate what you have!!!
The biggest lie in parenting is that we need to give our children more than we had! This really started hard and heavy after WW!! and the great depression! Yet, look at the state of our society....how's it working for us? And yet, the strongest people I know both in character and backbone are those who lived through the hard times!!
So, for any of you ladies reading this who may be going through hard times and can't spoil your children the way society says we should...be grateful instead of feeling guilty. Your children are learning some valuable lessons about gratitude, delayed gratification, patience etc. It would do all of us good to step back & re-evaluate what we're doing to the next generation.
A prime example in our world today...I worked in Haiti after the earthquake. These people didn't have homes, food and some didn't have clothing. Their beds in the hospital were cut up cardboard boxes on the floor! In one remote area, when we first arrived, we witnesses limbs being amputated without anesthesia of any kind! Yet, these people were so filled with gratitude and were trying to give us the shirt off their backs that they really didn't have for whatever little stuff we were doing!!! Their outpouring of love and gratitude was overwhelming at times! In contrast let's look at our society....well, you can fill in the blanks. Let me just say, if a crisis is going to occur....I'd much rather be in Haiti!!!
J., please don't think that I am ragging on you b/c I'm not!!! I have 3 grown children whom I did way too much for! I am speaking from the throes of experience. It is harder to set the boundaries when they are older but let me encourage you in this...it can be done!!! My kids know that I am not a money tree for example and it has MADE them more conscious of finances. This is just an example.
Now, I have one question? Did the temper tantrums start before or after baby was born? Sometimes, these things happen as older child tries to adjust to baby getting attn. If that's the case, maybe engage him in helping and being the big brother. Let him know he's needed and appreciated, and loved. It will get better!!
K.