Doing It All Is Making Me Loose It...

Sorry for what you're going through. It can get rough being a SAHM and having the weight of the entire household on your shoulders, especially without help. You should just tell your husband that you are feeling overwhelmed and need some help.
As far as the DNA test... Is there a back story missing here? I don't see why a wife would need something like that if she were faithful. If I were to up and get my husband a DNA test on our kids for no reason, then surely that would cause him to suspect I'd cheated. Best wishes.
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ETA: I found your post that explained that your husband is Hawaiian and you're part Native American and the baby boy was born with blonde hair and blue eyes and people always point out that he doesn't look like daddy. So, now I get it why you want to do the DNA test. I think your husband expected a mini-him mixed with a little bit of you and did not imagine that your dad's blonde hair- blue eyes genes would kick in. You know your husband and if you think that is something that will help him to bond with your son then I hope it works. Again, my best wishes for you and your family.

Hire some help-that will get him motivated

My husband works at home and it feels like he is always working. I work in an office full time. He doesn't consistently do much in the way of household stuff or kid stuff, but he will randomly pop in with a spurt of vacuuming, or he will start dinner if I have it planned out. If I need help I can ask him and he will usually do whatever it is -- like entertaining our 3-year-old while I finish dinner. He is not a fan of changing poopy diapers and I think when our son was small I did about 98% of ALL diapering. If I ask him to take care of something like the trash he will typically delegate it to one of the kids.

That said, my husband does NOT expect me to make him breakfast! I personally would not do that. Maybe if he had a big important meeting or was nervous about an interview. But on a regular basis -- no way. He is a big boy and can fry an egg if he wants one, or grab cereal if he is feeling lazy. Being a SAHM means you are in charge of caring for the kids (hence the "mom" part), but your husband is an adult who is perfectly capable of getting himself out the door.

I feel like he is expecting an awful lot out of you, from dragging out this disconnect with your new son based on how he looks, to making you get up an hour early to make him food and "get him out the door." For a matter of comparison, my step kids have been getting themselves up, making their own breakfast, grabbing their lunches (which they also pack themselves), and heading out the door on time to meet the bus since they were about 8 years old.

I hope you can find a happy medium soon. I know the infant issue is really stressing you -- as it should be -- your husband is acting like a huge baby himself. Could it be that he is channeling his "distrust" for you into demanding that you care for his every need, just to see how far you will go to prove your love? Might sound extreme, but men work in funny ways.

Good luck and hugs to you!

Wow, it sounds like you have so much on your plate and it's really hard. Having a 2 and 1/2 year old is challenging enough and then throw the newborn in the mix and it is enough to put you over the edge...I know, I just went through it. I have a 3 year old and 10 month old. When I was home on maternity leave, I felt so much like you are describing. My husband would get up and go to work and I would do everything around the house and with the kids. He would help sometimes with the 2 year old but I basically felt like I was doing it all. We would argue all the time because we were both tired and not seeing things from the other's perspective. I felt like he was getting a break by going to work because all he had to do was take care of himself. He thought I was off from work for three months and had it easy.
We went through a really hard time of it and it was tough to try to discuss it without getting emotional or irrational since you are so tired and overwhelmed. The worst thing I would do, though, was hold it in and then end up taking my anger out on my kids. I nicknamed myself the "mommy monster' because I would just let all my resentment and anger build up and then my 2 year old would start to act up and I would flip out. Or even the newborn would give me a hard time with nursing or spit up all over me and I would just start yelling. I am embarassed and ashamed to admit it but I'm sharing because I hope you won't have the same bad experience. If I could change one thing about the past year, it would be that.
Anyway, when I did return to work, our division of labor seemed to get back into the swing and we really do share responsibilities around the house equally for the most part. My husband takes care of the laundry and I do the cleaning. We take turns doing the grocery shopping. I do most of the cooking but that's because I enjoy it. Also, I think it helped for me to just be honest and communicate. I sat him down one day and just explained things from my perspective and asked that he just listen without judgment. Of course, he was rolling his eyes at some of my complaints but it helped us both to hear each other. We also started seeing a counselor...not because we thought our marriage was in trouble but because we wanted an unbiased person to help us better communicate with each other. That was the best thing we ever did. If you can afford it, we also hired a cleaning person just to come every other week to give me a break from doing the whole house scrubbing every time. Even if you could have someone come in once a month, it gives you a break.
Most importantly, it sounds like you need to take mini-breaks for yourself. If you have family nearby or a trusted friend, ask them to watch the kids for just an hour and go get a pedicure or just take a walk by yourself. When I started taking just small amounts of time for me, and communicating my needs better with my husband, the crazy screaming mommy monster disappeared and I am a better wife and mommy because of it.
Good luck! It's an uphill climb but you'll get through:-)

wow . i can;t believe with all of that and J. having a baby he expects you to wake up to make him breakfast on the one day you can sleep in and today. I don't think theres much you can do about the weekday grind since he's not home, but I don't think its unreasonable for you to tell him that you love him but he has to take care of himself while the baby is little. It's nice to get uo and make someone breakfast but it shouldn't be expected. I'd tell him that you're feeling really rundown and while you appreciate al of the hardowrk he does to provide for your family that you need a break and to be able to sleep in one day a week and need some help with the baby, not only for you but so that he'll connect with the baby.
Maybe that one day he gets up at 7am with your 2yo he can take her out for a cheap breakfast and bond with J. her. I'd make it seem like it would be something your 2yo would love. Then you'd have til they got back from breakfast and maybe the park or visitng inlaws to rest, and since your baby sleeps til 11am you could sleep? Also if you're going to keep making him breakfast why not make a big breakfast casserolle on sunday night for them to eat a few days into the week so you can sleep and he can J. heat it up?

Well, I've always just handled everything (mostly) which included the housework, the kids, working full time, and daycare/school issues. A few months back I explained that I feel like a single mom and if I am a single mom, I don't need another adult to pick up after.

I would talk to your husband (if you don't think you can without being too emotional then write him a letter...that's what I did because he never HEARD what I was saying). Explain that while you are trying to be patient with his feels regarding the baby boy, you can't assume all responsibilities for him AND continue to everything for everyone else too. Explain that you are willing to have the test done to help ease whatever insecurities he's having but needing the test does indicate that he doubts what he should KNOW and once he misses these moments he can't get them back. Since you are willing to have the test (and not be mad about it...I would be furious) then you need him to suck it up in the mean time. If you get up in the middle of the night all week, let him do it on the weekend and you get up w/ the oldest so he's not on "Dad Duty" right at 7 (even though he may get up at that time. Be very specific about what you want him to do and let him do it (if he doesn't, let it go for him to do).

Maybe this won't work but when you're busy cooking or helping the older child do something just take the baby and say 'he wants to see his daddy for a bit' and put him in his arms. Try to give him opportunity to do more for him even if he seems reluctant to offer or do it. He will just have to be encouraged for awhile. Infants are so hard for some men to deal with anyhow.
You could tell him there are cases of one twin being white and one black, there are families like mine where my brothers and me were fair, sister medium fair, and one brother is very dark. I hope he'll learn to accept his son quickly, for both of their sakes.

Wow. This sounds like my marriage to my ex-husband. (And we're divorced for many reasons, his lack of help just being a bare minimum of the problem.) I am marrying the man of my dreams feb 24. I have 2 kids, he has one. I am pregnant with our first baby. My fiance is a grown man. I am a stay at home mom right now due to a high risk pregnancy, and he works full time. But guess what, your husband is, too, a grown man. You have 2 kids that are totally dependent on you. Why should your husband be a third kid that YOU take care of. Guess what, if you stop making his breakfast and "getting him out the door" he will not starve. He WILL eat. My fiance not only makes his own breakfast, he also packs his own lunch. He lived with his Mamaw before we moved in together and she did EVERYTHING for him, even laid out his clothes for work the next day. I told him that mamaw told me she lays he clothes out. I said, "I'm not doing that, you're a grown man. She spoiled you." And guess what? We have the best relationship in the entire world. Yes, I wash and hang the laundry since I don't work and I cook dinner every night. But he takes care of himself otherwise. I was like you in my first marriage and did everything for my ex. Guess what? It never was appreciated or returned in favor to me.....hum.....some people will never get it. So STOP doing the things you're doing for him. What would happen if you went back to sleep instead of getting up at his beck and call to make him breakfast. If he doesn't wake up early enough to eat, he can grab a package of pop tarts as he heads out the door. Guarunteed he will learn how to be a self-sufficient man. Good luck. I am not griping at you, I just wish I would've listened years ago when people tried telling me all this. Sometimes you have to live and learn and hit rock bottom before your life is totally happy and you feel free.

Wow! I am hoping that he just has not realized the amount of work to take care of the kids with the arrival of the second one has just more that doubled because he is not around. You need to tell him!
I work full time shift work with varied hours. We have a daycare ( that I love) for the kiddos during the day. But because of my schedule my DH often does pick up and drop off of my 3 yo and 4 month old. He does evenings/weekends and overnights with them too when I am working. When I am home I take care of the baby almost 100% and we split the 3 yo. I do not wake him usually to do diapers/nighttime feedings because he does so much other stuff. I do the cooking dinner 3 time a week and weekend breakfast is usually all I can manage. Clean up is shared. We have a maid service to clean the house. He does the bills. There is so much to do both people need to be involved.

What I have learned is you need to communicate!
I hope you are able to get some help soon!

Be emotional!! Let him see you how you are really feeling! That will take you farther him seeing you at the end of your rope rather than still holding it all together... he may think your bluffing.

Talk to him and set up clear boundries that he has to do when your home. Remind him that when he is home that is his break/ down time. Well you can't leave your "job" and get a break/ down time. With night feedings you are literly working or atleast on call 24/7. Its not fair for you and your not super woman no matter how much you would like to. He helped make the kids and he needs to help with them.

Then I would also get him into counseling about your son. Even if you get the paternity test he is still going to have to work through what he is feeling now and make sure they are 100% gone or it will creep back up in the future and its going to be worse. Tell him until the paternity test is done he needs to get over himself and be a dad to his son. If the test proves different then he has a right to act how ever he want... but until that day this is not exceptable! He needs to show your 7 yr old how to act, they are learning from him right now wether he thinks so or not.

You need to put your foot down on how he is acting. Make it perfectly clear that this is not going to keep going on like this. Its time to put on his big boy pants and act like an adult! There is no reason why he couldn't have made his own breakfast this morning... my husband does it every morning and he makes his own lunch for the day also. He has to leave at 4am and I don't get out of bed until 6:30 to get the kids ready. If he doesn't know how... its time for cooking lessons. My 4 yr old even knows how to put toast in a toaster... I think he can handle that ;)

I would also tell him that on one of his days off your going to go anywhere. You need a break and actually go. Don't come back for atleast 4-6 hours. He was there for his other kids, so he knows what to do. He just needs to shake the rust off and do it. Once he is in the position to actually do it... he will hopefully rise to the task.

If he doesn't change soon there is going to be so much resentment on your part towards him that it might not be able to fix. Don't let his childish behavor ruin you two. Let him know... while your crying and screaming!!

My DH just retired from being gone for work 4-8 wks @ a time. When he came home (2wks) the 1st 2 or 3 days he 'recovered', then it was off & running, honey do's, fun things, general home life. I know that is a little different but I am thinking that the hrs & stress from a 'not so good environment' @ work you could give him some slack the 1st morning/day he is off. Tell him you want him to do the night feedings, diaper changes, etc. on Saturday nights if you take care of the 2 yr old on Sat. morning, a good 'trade off'????

You may find that his position changes after the paternity test, I personally (as a woman) think it shouldn't be necessary but I am not a man, we ALL know they think WAAAAAAAY differently than we do!

I realize that this may not be the answer for you but it's the best I could think of. Don't be concerned that you are,'being emotional' this is an emotional situation ALL lives change when a new baby arrives.

My DH does what he can, he usually does what I ask of him tho' sometimes he does it grudgingly it's true. The kidz here are older now, we got 3 @ one time, 2mts, 13mts & 4yrs so we HAD to share @ that time, he actually was better @ helping then than he was now, but he was much younger & didn't have the physical problems he has now. All of us have different problems with our 'men' generally speaking no matter how 'evolved' relationships become the one who is a SAH is going to get the major roll in keeping things going @ home...

Best!

I replied to your other post, I have the odd colored girl as well in a mixed cultural relationship.
I get little to none in our household. I am a SAHM of 3 kids under 5 years old. I dont have a maid, or a nanny, or family, or friends in the area. I do it all. I know what your feeling. I also knew what my husband was like before marriage. I was ok with it, but I didnt think we would have this many kids so close together. Its a LOT of work. Mostly his problem is cultural. He comes from a strongly Paternal society. So woman are not high on his respect-0-meter. He is good with me and does try. he is no abusive, but he is rude and disrespectful. he cant understand why i cant get it all done in a day. He doesnt like it but he is accepting it more now. He really does NOTHING with the children till they hit about 9 months old, then he is one of the best fathers on the planet. As far as playing, teaching, and interacting. However, there is no changing, or feeding or anything else going on there. He did recently start helping me with some cooking, only cause i just flat out refused to do it anymore when I have had a bad day. Communication can be diffcult for us but we try. I know your pain. Honestly for me there is only emotion that helps me with my husband, hence he calls me his little drama queen. Funny I was never a drama queen before I met him.

I guess your husband is feeling tired and cranky from work, I hope you can approach this with sympathy. Talk about making everyone's life better, not just yours. Tell him you want a better marriage, you want him to have a better relationship with his children. Don't talk about you being tired and overworked, I'm sure he feels tired and overworked and has no idea that you work hard too. Is there any possibility he will could jobs? Talk about how much the kids enjoy and need their Daddy time. "he sure looks happy in your arms, look how his little chin(eyes) match his daddy's, even though he has uncle's hair!" "Please play with her a minute, She can't wait for you to come home and has been standing at the window!" You've been selfless this long, you can do it a little longer, make this about the kids, how they need and want him. Try to give him choices, rather than say can you please do this say "Do you want to give the baby a bottle or load the dishwasher? do you want to help daughter get dressed or change a dirty diaper?" So he sees you are doing something and he feels he gets to choose the better assignment. Since I'm sure there are always three things needing to be done at once you can always make it a choice. I hope he begins to bond with the kids more it will make him happier.