Discipline/behavior Problem

B.,
I've been through this with my son and a neice. With both we had to be very firm - they do understand at that age. My neice would bite and claw herself until her father ordered her to stop immediately! He told her she was never to do that again and that if she had a problem then she needed to come out with it. That worked!
With my son, he would throw tantrums when I left him. We were suspicious of the daycare so we switched him and he immediately stopped. He loved that daycare and was scared of the other. Never found out why.
Best of luck.
D.

As a childcare teacher of this very age for over 6 years, it is all a show to make you feel guilty! BUT do ask her if there is anything going on at the center. This could be a sign that something is wrong. She more than likely stops when you are out of sight. The teacher should be able to tell you that!

Sign language could help her express her feelings which she is unable or unwilling to verbalize.

Role playing could help find out why she is acting that way. Get two dolls or animals. You go first, acting out a scene of where they are (at home in the living room, at school in the bathroom, etc), what they are doing (making sandcastles, making animals with playdoh) and how they are feeling (Dollie loves to play with Teddy Bear and feels happy, Dollie doesn't like loud noises and feels scared, but Teddy doesn't feel scared, Dollie doesn't like it when Teddy takes her toys and feels angry, Dollies misses her Mommy and feels sad and cries, etc). Then give her a turn.

Both communication utilities will take time and practice but in a few weeks or so you should be able to get a less hazy picture of why she is behaving as such and perhaps help her caregivers learn what is triggering her outbursts.

There is no way 2 year olds (and some adults even!) can communicate verbally exactly how they feel and what they are going through while using the appropriate words, especially if they are surrounded by a busy environment such as a daycare.

well if she keeps recieving attention she will never stop ... sadly enough you need to ignore her when she bites herself. I doubt very seriously that she bites herself hard enough to cause any physical harm to her . We have lerned the hard with with our oldest how giving in can become extremely bad for the child ... now we are paying the price but we no longer give him the attention he desires therefore some of his antics have slowed down.. he still press his luck but he is learning

I think there may be a problem with the day care. Do any of you show up unnanounced? I have taught in a handful of day cares and have seen where a child started acting out and we found out the teacher had spanked her. So, you may want to do some checking. Are there any other children acting this way as well?
Your thought may be correct as well, if you try being firm you need to know that at first she will probably get worse, she is going to test to see if you really mean it.

There is an easy fix for this one if you start at home and all of you are consistent (take it from a mom of 4 who also had a home daycare). Buy a wooden seat or get a special pillow or something and mark it with the words "time out" or "quiet seat" or "naughty seat" or whatever you guys come up with. The moment she begins to cry or "meltdown" as we call it - get down on her level and say "crying this way is unacceptable behavior- we must use our words. Let's go sit on your quiet seat until you finish crying and then you may come back and join us" Make sure the seat is somewhere far enough that it is out of the main view of all of you but still where she can see or hear what she is missing. If you all are consistent this will work!!! Good Luck!

Hi B.,
From one great grand mother to another here is what I think.
first- I would check out the day care center where she is- something is not right and she is not happy there- I would seriously consider changing.........she has a fear of being left there .......just keep re assuring her her mommy and daddy will be there to get her soon- and then I would mention this to her Pedi- the biting is a sign of something deeper within her at this time in her life. firmness is good and necessary but not if there is something at the day care that is really frightening her. This would be my first step.
good luck and blessings

She doesn't need therapy. She's acting like a 3 year old! You just need to be lovingly firm with her.
Example: "Okay. It's time for me to leave now. I'll pick you up in a little while. Kisses & Hugs." and then leave. If you have to bring something to the daycare, call the daycare and arrange for someone to come to the door and get the items so that she doesn't see you since she seems fine unless she sees y'all. Don't go to her room or near the windows of her room. If she sees you and starts acting up, just do like you did at drop off time, reassure her, and leave.

I didn't start volunteering in the nursery at church until our daughter started Kinder, so I didn't know how to deal with this at first when she started doing it, but our experience with her (which is the last part of this post) helped me when I did start.

I worked in our Sunday School with the 2-year-olds and moved up with them each year to the 5-year-old room. The children who acted out the worst were the ones who got the most rewarding attention from it. Sometimes workers who knew the parents (and were assigned to the office) would come and take them around the nursery office and halls with them to "help us out". It did help, until they had the child calmed down and then brought the child back. The child would go into histerics again until that person or someone else came back and took them out again. This taught the child that screaming loud enough and long enough would get them out of the nursery and special treats (candy, stickers, little toys). Sometimes the parents would stay out-of-sight outside the room and every few minutes (usually just when we had the child starting to come 'round and interested in the activity we were doing) they would peek in and the child would see them and start all over again. These children learned that if they cried long enough Mom & Dad would eventually take them out and keep the child with them. This was hardest on the child because as they got older THEN the parents would decide that the child needed to "learn to stay". These children ended up at about 4 and 5 years old, sometimes even 6, crying for the entire 45 minutes the parents were gone for Sunday School and the parents would end up not staying for Services. After several Sundays of this, most parents felt that it just wasn't worth going to church if they weren't going to be able to attend Sunday school and Services and would not return. Everybody loses there.

Our daughter started to do this at church at about 4, when our son was born. She didn't have separation anxiety at the usual 12- to 15-month mark, so that's what we treated it as. I didn't have her in daily day care so she only did it at church. She would act up as long as we were in sight. Almost as soon as we were gone, she would calm down but if she saw us stop by to check on her she would start up again. As our first child, I had difficulty leaving her while she was acting as if her heart would break. Once I started seeing that it only lasted while she could see me, it helped me to be firmer and not worry that others were thinking I was a "bad" mom for leaving an uncomforted child behind. It took a few Sundays, but she eventually went the opposite way and would refuse to LEAVE the classroom because she was having too much fun.

Our daughter's now almost 10 & getting ready for the 4th grade and our son just turned 6 & is ready for 1st grade. On the first day of Kindergarten for each of them I was so proud of them! On each child's first day of Kinder, all we got was a brief hug and an excited "Bye, Mommy! Bye Daddy!" and they were off without looking back. Your granddaughter will be much happier later if you're lovingly firm with her now.

Hope this helps.

B.,
I would not worry at all about the tantrums at daycare. Separation anxiety is VERY normal at this age. Remember that 2-3 year olds are still learning how to express frustration. When she sees you, she doesn't understand that she can't go with you, so that is why she is probably having the melt-down. I am sure you love going to see her, and understandably so, but at this age, if she gets this frustrated, then I would try to hold off going to see her during the day until she gets through this phase. It will be easier on her. I know that probably seems hard at first, but this is something many parents and grandparents need to do during this stage of their toddlers development. I would be concerned about the biting, as well. Here is a good article on why toddlers bite themselves that may help you: http://www.babycenter.com/404_my-toddler-hits-and-bites-h...

I would also recommend talking to the day care about this situation. In most cases, toddlers usually put on a big tantrum show when parents and grandparents are around, but 30 seconds after they leave, the child is fine.

Best of luck to you!

You are certainly right in thinking that you all need to be firm (and consistent) with a toddler this age. My daughter is just a little younger than your GGD, but we've been through the (worst of) the biting now--both others and herself!

I still occasionally get a fit when I leave her at daycare, but they are much diminished. Toddlers this age are generally very sensitive to routines and schedules. It could be as simple as someone different dropping her off, or the regular caregiver not being there in the morning, or breakfast isn't to a child's liking.

I'd like to throw out of couple of other ideas that you might consider.

Take a look at her diet and consider the possibility of a food allergy--they can be linked to behavioral changes.

Does she have her second set of molars, yet? Teething could be playing a role.

I know you aren't going to want to hear this, but I don't think you should be dropping in to see her at daycare. It isn't that she CAN'T understand when you tell her that you are just there to visit...she just doesn't care. Toddlers this age are impulsive and want what they want.

If y'all feel as though she could be mistreated in some way, you can usually figure out a way to check-in without upsetting the apple cart. I found that judt dropping in unexpectedly is enough to keep everyone aware of your presence. I also would go in at naptime just to ask questions and see how the morning went.

Is it just me or is this sad? The child is telling you and everyone in her world that she hates it there including trying to hurt herself and no one is listening or they think she is bad. I think children learn from birth on whether they are valuable enough for people to listen to. If ignored or worse punished then they get the message to not listen to their feelings or that they are bad for having those feelings. The feelings may be not based on anything actually going on there or not but she needs to be validated for having them and held and told that somebody understands that she is not happy. I would try to find somewhere where she could be happier. Although, anywhere away from home is not going to be as good as home or with grandma, so you can not expect to drop in and not have her be upset and want to be with you. Is there a way that you can have a special grandma afternoon where you do pick her up early and spend special time together?

I am like the others, do check out the daycare. That doesn't mean something is going on but she could also not be happy there. Children like to be around family as that is comfort to them and I had the same problem with my grandson. My daughter finally changed daycares and you now could not pry him away from there as he loves it. I am not pushing one daycare over another but he is at one of those Country Home daycare and they have so much there that keeps him happy plus he has learn spanish and many other things while there. They have a movie theatre, water park, they go on field trips when they are at a certain age, they have a 50's type soda fountain and a computer room just to name a few, so there is a lot for them to do. I am not saying there aren't some daily issues with fighing or biting between kids, but the staff there handles it very well. Sometimes when kids throw these fits we tend to think they are spoiled or playing on you and sometimes that may be the case, but it could also be a cry for help for some reason. Do check it out and Good Luck.

I just wanted to offer some words of advice. Don't go see her. If you do make sure she doesn't see you. It can be very confusing to a child to be in the middle of her day and have Mom or Grandma stop by. She's only two and does not understand why she is not being picked up. If drop off is a problem make sure that the parents don't add to it. I've heard sooo many parents look at there little one with sad guilty eyes and say, "I'm soo sorry, but mommy is only going to leave you for a little while and I'll be back to get you as soon as I can," and then come back five times in to the room every time the child cries out. Kids pick up on your attitude. Always speak positively about the class and how much fun she is having. At drop off, be short and positive. They should say,"Mommy loves you, now go have fun." and then leave. If you are concerned, call the school. My guess is that once the child figures out she cant manipulate the adults in her world, she will turn her attention to all the fun things in her class room. This is normal behavior for a two year old, but parents can make it much much worse. Good Luck!
K.

You said she does this when she goes to the daycare but you didn't specify if you meant she does this when you, yourself, stop in to see her if it was at her home or at the daycare as well. Maybe she's getting mistreated at the daycare. We had the same thing happen when we went to daycare, the teachers & other kids were mean to us & we threw fits whenever she'd drop us off so when we told her what was happening, she quit taking us there & never took us to daycare again & that took care of it. I think by just asking the child why she doesn't want to go there is a good start. I'd say point blank, "is there a reason you don't want to go?" & if she says 'yes' then ask "what is the reason you don't want to go?" usually that will get a more straight answer than just asking "why" b/c sometimes that may just get an answer like "I just don't wanna go" or "because" or "I just wanna be w/you". If she just says "I just want to be w/you" or something, keep pressing, that may not be the whole reason. Good luck.

Hi B..

I agree; You are a Great Grandma! Your granddaughter is going through a phase and she does not need therapy. Because you love her, you are going to have to stop dropping in to see her. She needs to develop her independence and when you drop in, she has a false sense that you are there to get her. When she is dropped off, tell her "I will always come back." Exit quickly so there is not time for the drama to unfold. When you love someone, your best gift to them is to let them find their way. If you and her parents are always giving in to her needs, you are not allowing her to learn patience. Instead you are teaching her she can have what she wants at will. She is biting herself because her behavior is illiciting attention from you and her parents. My daughter hit herself for a while. When we stopped acknowledging the behavior, it stopped. She is trying to figure out what works. Give her choices which will help her to become more confident. Ignore the bad behavior and reward the good.
HTH

The first thing that comes to mind is the fact that something may be going on at the day care. One of you needs to drop by at odd hours and just check in see how things are going and what is being done.
The second thing is that she seems to be using the biting thing as a way to get her way and get attention.
I would check with the day care first then think about having her see by the ped. Dr. and go from there. Good luck