Death in the Family

We have a storybook that is quite touching and poignant, but speaks to a child's level, called "Old Pig" by Margaret Wild. If you search for this on amazon.com, it is not available (but might be through barnesandnoble.com); however, you can see books with similar themes that might also work.

My son's had a lot of death in his life. Before he was five he'd lost 2 great grandmothers (old age), my uncle (avalanche), a preschool classmate (brain tumor), and our cat (his best friend...also old age @ 19).

There were other deaths, of course, (friends of mine in the middle east, one of my closest who came down with a fever and died of non-hodgkins lymphoma 3 days later, a friend of his fathers who OD'd, and another of both of ours who was killed in a car crash), but those weren't of people that he was close to. I know those deaths affected him, because they affected ME, or his father, or both of us, but obviously that doesn't affect him in the same way.

Of all of them, he only had time to "prepare" for one...one of my grandmothers had advanced alzheimers and her spirit had been walk-about for years.

Ironically, we had gotten fish when he was one, for the express purpose of being his "practice grief" who we finally had to give away last summer. Stupid fish. (Sorry, I digress).

We were up front with our son about all of them, and not only does he have a pretty good handle on death...he's been our families "happy pill" during many of these.

For HIM: he understands that their spirit has left their bodies and gone to the spirit world...and that a body needs a spirit to be alive. Sometimes a body gets too old, or too broken, and the spirit leaves. He knows that fighting to stay alive can keep a spirit there longer, but only works sometimes. He knows that sometimes a person gives up and stops fighting to stay alive. He knows that sometimes it happens too fast to fight. And he knows that sometimes death comes slowly. He knows that we're all sad that that person isn't with us anymore. And we keep living. And someday it will be us. And, out of all of us, he's perfectly okay with that.

Maybe because there has been so much death, he is able to view it so much as a part of life. A part of life to be avoided, certainly, but a part of life none the less.

I remember when my son was 2, it the first time we were having a talk with me trying to see "how much he got" about what was going on when my uncle was killed. I asked him if he knew what a spirit or a soul was. I'll never forget his answer.

"Yep." he said
"What is it?" I asked. He cocked his head sideways at me, giving me the look of; does she not know...or is she testing me, like what color is the bulldozer?
"It's like fireworks." he said and went back to playing.

How cool is that?

For US: we've taken him to every wake...where we celebrate the person's life (from wild and carousing into the wee hours, or calm an tear filled around a table), but not to any funeral. It's a personal decision. Funerals tend to be long, and sad, and uncomfortable, and overdressed. Funerals are to help the living find closure. We'd rather NOT find closure in our family...and let that person live on in our memories and stories. So we don't take him to those.

It's hard. But it is, after all, life...and that's our job, isn't it? Showing them the world, and teaching them how to live?

And my condolences....with my best wishes for happy memories and happier times.

~Z.

Please, C. - tell her enough of the truth that she doesn't wonder why you won't. ( children are incredibly intuitive- and if you say ''' Grandma is on a trip '' she will KNOW that's not so - grown ups don't cry over trips - )
You might say something like ''' the doctors have tried SO hard to help Grandma- but she might die'''' --- whatever your spiritual background is - assure her that Grandma will be ok wherever she is '''going''', that she doesn't WANT to leave her family - - and will always love her --- I promise - even though she doesnt understand the word ''die'' she will know you are telling the truth. And THAT is what is crucial--.

Blessings,
J.
aka- Old Mom

Hi C.,

I know exactly what you are going through. My son is 4 and we just lost my Grandma (his Great Grandma) to cancer this January. Her illness came on so fast. She started not feeling well this fall and by the time they did surgery around New Year's they said she only had a few days. They were right. My son loved her so much. We saw her all the time because she and I were so close. During the time she was in the hospital I brought my son to see her quite often. He made her laugh every time and he still talks about her smiling when he would go see her. In her final stage we didn't let him see her only because I wanted him to remember her laughing, not struggling. We were honest with him and told him about what it means when someone dies. We have a very strong faith in Jesus and so for us, we told our son that it was time for her to go to heaven with Jesus. We told him that we all have a soul inside us that goes on living in heaven. He was so sweet in trying to understand it all. Even my husband tried to explain to him that our bodies stay here and that all of our things get left behind. My son asked, "if our bodies stay here, where do they go?" My husband tried to explain that sometimes they are placed in a pretty box and they rest under the ground. My son later was telling someone about going to heaven. He was so cute, he said "you know what the worst part is when you go to heaven, you have to go there in a box!" We did a little more explaining and he now understands. We had him come to the memorial service since it was more of a remembrance. There was a video slide show with many photos and he was able to see the ones with the two of them together. The way that I explained that day to him was that we were having a party for her to remember how much we all loved her. I am a professional event planner and so when I said party he then understood why we were getting flowers, photos, table linens, etc. I wanted him to feel a part of it so that day he had special jobs to help me with. It really helped me having him there. It gave me the ok to cry in front of him along with everyone else and for him to know that it is ok to cry. I had my private grieving times that were necessary and wouldn't be afraid to admit that I was sad. He still talks about her death on a daily basis. I told him to always tell me when he was sad or missing her. He has a hard time grasping how long forever is and yet he says often, "you mean I won't see her here again ever?" I have told him that someday when we get much older and we too go to heaven that we will see her then. I really feel for your situation. We are now dealing with my uncle who just learned that he too has terminal cancer. He is only 60. I know that we are about to go through this again and the thought is unbearable at best. These past couple months have been the most difficult of my life. I won't lie to you and tell you now that some time has passed that it is any easier. When you lose such special people time seems to go by at a slower pace even though life keeps us moving a million miles an hour. I will be praying for you and your family through this time. If you ever need someone to talk to, please let me know and I will send you my number. Blessings to you and your family.

C.--wow, you've gotten great responses!

I am so sorry your family is losing this woman ...

When my oldest was about 2 or 3, her great grandmother and her great aunt died. Both were local, and we visited them with increasing frequency as they deteriorated (emphysema and cancer, respectively).

I don't know if you are local to this grandma, but it sound's like you are. I used extremely concrete terms: as we get older, our bodies stop working very well ... and eventually our bodies stop working altogether. My daughter could really see that process, since we were visiting all the time--we watched her GG die from being less and less able to breathe, having also finally gone blind a year before--so being really straight up was best. Acknowledge the child's very real (and otherwise scary) experience.

Since this death is coming right up, be sure to build the whole picture for her, though, or she won't see the pattern ("you remember how your grandma started being too tired to come to see us very much last summer? and then at Christmas we went to visit her but could only stay a little while, and she couldn't lift heavy things?") ... otherwise she'll get worried every time a grownup gets sick.

As far as souls, I am Catholic but grew up with no Catholic peers, so I've always from the start said to my children "We believe that [blah blah blah]" ... when the kids get old enough to ask why I always frame the idea that way, then I explain that "a lot of people don't believe that, they believe other things happen" (with added explanations as appropriate).

I know it seems early to start that, but when kids get into school or daycare and someone insists that something their parents have told them isn't true, they either get defensive (which of course leads to problems) or they get scared because they don't know what to trust (rather the opposite of us building security for them, sigh). So I communicated my confidence in our belief-system, but also allowed openness-of-heart for all the many ways other kids and families might be facing dying, even at the same funerals/wakes (even within our family we needed that!).

My second child, who was a baby during both deaths, actually still gets hung up about his GG dying (she died barely within his memory; his GA died too early for him to notice). We had her ashes for a long time (long story) and he would ask to have them taken down and hold them in his lap ... for him, having to walk him through the emotional "it's OK that people die" was more important than the physical.

I was so honored to have the opportunity to watch and accompany those deaths ... all the natural (non-accident, non-suicide) deaths in my family were when I was younger and far away, so I never had any direct experience. There is a beauty to a natural life drawing to a close, even in the sadness ... but I'm really the only person I've found that sees it that way ... but I thought I'd offer it as a possibility. If she's got good hospice care, talking your daughter through "see how much more at peace she's getting now?" might also be good.

Anyhow, these approaches have allowed my daughter to be secure in her faith while being supportive of others' belief systems in her school, and all my kids have a pretty strong handle on "we need to take physical care of ourselves" (eg., no smoking, eat healthy)--which are long-term benefits to my effort to bring them through those immediate difficult life events.

Dunno if you are religious or not. If not, I was recently reading a beautiful set of thoughts about the patterns of the universe, which thoughts could build into a nice, non-religious way of considering each person's eternal impact on the world; you can email me if you want more of that ...

God bless (or your cultural equivalent)!
--K.

PS oh, I totally forgot: the cremation thing(/burial). My son was always wanting to "see" her ... that was why we started the holding-the-ashes-in-his-lap thing. We had to really explain to him that when the soul left the body is was OK that we burned the body, or that a lot of people chose to get buried and turn into dirt (we didn't introduce embalming, as in our families it won't apply) ... things to consider ahead of time ...

Hi C.!
My mom was recently diagnosed with cancer for the 3rd time, and I now ave a 2 1/2yo little girl who LOVES my mom so much, so I have been thinking about what I will do if we are in your situation. I had asked a question about it here not too long ago. I got some great advise. Basically don't hide the fact that the grandma is really sick and does not feel well, but don't just say "sick" say cancer otherwise your little one might freak out every time you or he or your soon to be husband gets "sick." We had a friend whose cat got sick around the time my mom was diagnosed and I told her that the cat was too sick for the doctors to fix, so he went to be with Jesus. we talked that sometime that happens with people too...

We are telling my little one that Mema has cancer in her body and the Doctors are trying to make it better. They are going to give her medicine that might make her loose her hair. (-So basically I am preparing her for what she might see...)

My mom mentioned that if she dies now she is worried that my daughter will not remember her (I don't see how that is possible since we have tons of pictures and she spends tons of time with Mema). But I think that I am going to get this book I saw at costco that is for Grandma's to write to their grandchildren. like a grandma scrap book. (it was only like $20) and I think it will just be cool for her to have regardless of how long my mom is in her life... I'd like on from my grandma! I'm also making a point to get video of her and my mom reading, playing, singing... the things that they normally do together.

I truly know how that ache feels when you have to figure out how you are going to tell you precious child that they have lost someone so dear. The only way I can do it is to know that I will see my Mom in Heaven because Jesus has already paid her way-and mine!

hugs!

I lean heavy on my faith for this one. I let her know that there is a God, and that grandma is with God. She is not in pain, she is happy, and we will see her again.
Get pictures now for her.
When my daughter died, we had the kids write notes and draw pictures and tie them to a balloon and then release it. For their sister. As the kids grew up, they would release the balloon's they would get for Christiana. When we have lost pets, they say that the pets get to go play with Christiana.

You do not have to get into deep conversation with her, only answer what she asks as simple and at her level as possible. Let her know that it is ok to miss grandma, and it is ok to cry. But also let her know that grandma is safe, and in a good place.

Let her say goodby. Let her have closure. How does grandma feel about this. It might be good for grandma to be the one to tell her about where she is going, and that it will be ok. If grandma can.

I hope this helps
hugz
B.

Wow, I feel your pain. When my FIL fell ill with cancer (lung and brain) and passed away we used to read the following books with the kids and let the older kids read them on their own. I also don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, but they can sometimes help ease children through mourning the death the death of a loved one. My FIL was a recently born-again Christian and so are we, so we believe we will see him again at the seat of the Father...

These are the books we used: "Someone I Love Died" by Christine Harder Tanguald (this one is Biblically based, but has a lot of questions/activities to help children work through their grief), "My Heart is Sad: When Someone Special Dies" by Connie S. Owens (this one is specifically about the death of a Grandma), and "When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death" by laurie Krasney Brown and Marc Brown (this one gives examples of how many different people/cultures deal with death).

I can tell you that our kids came through the death of their grandfather ("Papa") much better than we thought. We did have about 9 months of sad talks and missing him constantly, but they were able to move on after a little while. It helped them also to be able to spend as much time with him before he passed, knowing that he was soon "going home to be with Jesus". My baby even missed him for a while at first. We ran into a man who looked a bit like Papa and my son would not let go of him... It made me cry.

It's hard to loose someone we love at any age or stage of life. I am so sorry that you, your boyfriend, and especially your little one have to endure this. We will be praying for all of you.

Sorry to hear that. When my mom/Oma(grandma)passed away from cancer my daughter was 19 months. We did a video in memory of her life which included her children(me), grandchildren and close friends/relatives that was played at the funeral service. The first Mother's Day we watched it and she was excited to see her own mom growing up,Oma holding her, aunts/uncles/cousins in the video. When she saw me crying I told her that it was a happy cry (never sad). Since we frequently visit the grave and watch the video my now 4 year old really remembers her Oma and frequently asks to visit her. I have been very open with death/God/Angels/Heaven as a positive and for me it has worked. So I believe if you start talking with her now and keeping it positive it will help. I know there is alot of emotions for all so it's hard to do. Your daughter will be yours and your husbands support during the tough times! Blessings

First off I'm sorry to hear about your family's suffering.

Remember that at your daughters age children have a very vivid imagination. It's important to be truthful and let her know what is going on. Otherwise that creative imagination will take off on some scary ideas. Maria Schriver wrote a book "What's Heaven" that is for small children dealing with death.

My prayers are with you.

hi C., just a short tip. let your children visit with their g.ma as much as possiable.i don,t know if you are religous or not but try telling yourdaughter that her g.ma is going on a long trip to heven and she will be watching over you.maybe when she gets older you will be able to explain g.mas death to her.just a sugestion. a mother,g.ma, aND GREAT G.MA.

Your daughter may be a little young to completely understand death, but it is important to be honest with her. Make the explanation as simple as possible. Something like grandma is very sick, and God wants her to come live with him in Heaven.

If you have other relatives that have passed, you can bring them into the discussion too.

I know losing a pet is nothing in comparison to a person, but we recently lost our cat. My son had gotten attached to him over the last few months when the cat's illness was really progressing. When I explained that Buster had died, God took him to live in Heaven with Grandpa and Grandma, he was sad, but understood.

Honesty and being brief are what matter. You'll probably have several short conversations about it over the next month or so.

I am very sorry for your family's loss.

I have not had to deal with family/close friends dying while my daughter was old enough to need explaining to.We have lost pets though and she is VERY attached to all of them and even talks to the goldfish that she knows are food for the turtles.
We have just explained to her about how every living thing has a spirit and when it leaves the body they go to heaven...but that she will see them again someday.She's seemed to handle it all well for a 2 1/2 yr old though a few months back she lost her beloved Oscar (fish).We don't know what(my mom got him for her for her 1st bday) happened to him, but he was fine and then 5 min later I found him swimming upside down and unable to correct himself :( It took her several weeks to get used to his tank being empty (I left it so she could do her grieving etc that she felt she needed) and not shedding tears when she talked about how great her Samie boy was.She was very close to him..when he saw her lay on the floor in front of his tank he'd get up close and personal with her as if they were nose to nose and "sit" together for the longest times, she could even pet him.lol

I'm sorry for the loss ur family has experienced and the news of Grandma.You all will be in my thoughts *hugs*