Dealing with Family That Make Rude Comments About Your Child and Parenting

B., part of the answer to your problem has to come from your husband for it he that must take a stand as a man and defend his family even if it's against his mom, dad and siblings. His first family is you, the child and he and everyone else is second. He needs to hear both sides, your's and your sister-in-law and ask his sister why she is being so critical? I had a similar situation with a relative of my wife and since this relative was very close to my wife as they were growing up, I address the situation with my wife and informed her that I was going to confront this person.
My wife chose to address the situation first before I could say anything, the relative did not take my wife very serious and still chose to make unkind comments about our children.
We were invited over to this relatives house for a family get together and she chose that moment to take a jab at me to which I responded honestly and expressed my opinion as to why what they were saying was so rude and stupid.
We were not invited back to that relatives house for nearly 5 years which was fine with me and my wife. That relative doesn't continue making rude comments about my children for she knows were we stand, she has never apologized but now she wants us to spend more time with her family to which we usually say that we do not have time.
This relative of my wife has the same problem your sister-in-law does "jealousy", her children do not get all the attention when we go to family reunions, mine have been great students are friendly and polite while hers have been rude and brats.
Our children are grown now and off to college and one ( our eldest son)has children of his own and this same relative of my wife that I've been talking about, started having children again so her youngest is the same age as my granddaughter and just like before she started making her rude remarks but now it was about my granddaughter.
My eldest son quickly solved the problem by putting her in her place and just as I did it was not done in a rude way for he simply informed her that it was not her business to get involved in his life and if she had something to say to him or about his family she needed to approach him and say it face to face and if she can not then she neeeds to leave thenm alone and mind her own business. This happened two years ago and since then this relative has been trying to be as nice as she can be when she is around our whole family. WOW! This is a very long story but the point is this person could only be set in her place by a firm man that took a stand to defend his family and since her husband does not have a back bone and caves in to everything she say's she is not used to a real man defending his family but once she encounters one she backs down. I don't mean to offend anyone and please do not take it that way, but this is a problem that your husband needs to atke serious and defend his family honor.

1.Ignore her. She is probably not very secure with herself if she has to criticize a baby.

2. If you can't ignore her (I know you can't :) ) tell her you appreciate that she has her opinion, but that you are raising your daughter your way and according to her doctor, who sees lots of kids, she is developing just fine. You might also want to tell her something like childhood isn't a race and you want your baby to enjoy it while she can.

3. TELL YOUR HUSBAND TO BACK YOU UP!!! It's his sister. Would you have a problem talking to your sister about her constant cut downs???

4. Don't expose yourself or your children to her. And if she asks why she hasn't seen you and the kid(s), see #1.

I had some personality problems with my sister in law, mainly because she was young and felt I was taking her big brother away. It caused a HUGE fight between me and her father during which time he said that they would always be family and that I wouldn't come between their relationship (my husband and his sister) to which I replied, he had no choice but to be her brother, he chose to be my husband....

Hope you straighten things out. Please try not to stress too much, it's really not worth it!

B.,

Let me start with saying that my daughter, who is 20 months old, is very similar to yours in that she is advanced and smart and talkative, but does not like to speak around strangers. To your baby, her "Aunt" (I say it that was because she obviously doesn't act like one) is a stranger. She can also sense how you are feeling toward her, so she is not going to warm up to your sister-in-law if you have any amount of tension toward her. I have people say to me all the time that Maggie (my daughter) "isn't very talkative, is she?", and I kindly tell them that she is very shy around people she is not familiar with, so please understand. They ususally are okay with that. They then, normally, compare her with other children that they know that talk to anyone, and I, again, kindly let them know that I do not want her to talk to just anyone, I want her to stay away from strangers. That is the easy one.

Now to the tough problem. Take my advice, ignore my advice, here it is...Tell your husband that he needs to say something to his sister about her comments about your child. He needs to be a man and stand up for his family. Let him know that he has until a certain deadline to have a talk with her about this situation, to handle it in the manner that he would like it handled, or YOUR going to talk to her and it could get ugly. I agree with others that, if you have to talk to her, you should START out nicely, but if she starts to throw mud, sling it back at her. Let her know exactly how angry it makes you that she would have the gall to speak ill about an innocent little baby. If it persists, then stop going to family functions that she's at. I agree that that action will end up hurting your child by not seeing her grandmother, but would you rather have to take her to a psychologist later in life due to verbal trauma by her "Aunt"? Maybe they'll all get the hint and put your sister-in-law in her place.

I know that I probably am not as soft, touchy, feely about my approach, but sometimes, you need to be crass.

Take care, good luck and please be sure to let us know how you handle this situation, as well as the outcome.

God Bless you all,

D.

Dear B.,
I am not sure family gatherings will get better. My experience is people tend to get worse and more set in their ways. I have noticed since having a child how people (family and strangers) will judge me based on me and my child's actions. I have a very busy but extremely normal child and have been treated poorly or ignored in many situations in public (libraries, banks, the mall, etc.) Family can make judgements and hurtful comments because they have selective memory about what it was like to raise a child. I believe since your husband's family is the issue that he needs to be the one who speaks with them. You may want to invest in a "play yard" (big enclosed cicle/gate that can fold up for travel) that you can set up in the various areas for your child. Try to be as nice as can be because they may use your words against you and your husband. Avoid those who push for divorce. It isn't the answer. God bless you and above all know that you can get through this!! Good luck!! K.

Dear B.,

Here is a very simple response to your request. When a family member makes a rude comment about another member or your child, respond with a kind, quiet voice and very politely say "I do not think that was very nice to say..." Then move on. I have found that correcting people very nicely and calmly really works. It also (usually) stops them in their tracts because anger reciprocates anger. Kindness and calm words CAN diffuse anger. You could practice this in your home before a family gathering with your husband.

If you feel you need to say something use this tactic and it should work. In the least if the other person picks a fight they would look like a fool. If they do pick a fight, pull yourself away from the fight. Politely get out of it.

I hope this suggestion is helpful for you.

D.

I will tell you what I think, but first I will tell you my situation so you know where I am coming from. I am very close with my mother, who lives locally. She and my dad divorced and now she is re-married. My husband hates her new husband. He is a very gruff, impatient man. My mom loves to take care of our 18 month old son, but lately, she has been asking if she can care for him at her house because it would be easier. My husband just told me "no way!". I have deflected this situation with other excuses so that I don't have to tell her that it is really because of Jim, although I know that day will come. We aren't afraid of Jim hurting our son in anyway, we just don't want him to be impatient with him and make him feel "annoying" or "in the way". We just don't want that negative vibe around him, just like you are feeling. My husband came to me and asked that i respect his feelings and that we work together to not put ourselves into situations that could turn ugly. You need to talk to your husband more first. He needs to understand that he can't ignore it because you can't ignore it. He should talk with his sister or his mom if that needs to happen. The best way is to limit your time around his sister. Don't worry about that taking time away from his family because that is better than being in a situation where a fight might break out, or you daughter gets her feelings hurt. If his family wants to see her, they can come over and see her! Your can't change his sister, but you can change the amount of time you are around her. I personally feel that she is resentfull that you did not get divorced. Misery loves company and she did not get that from her brother. He needs to respect your feelings and become more active in working with you to achieve some kind of balance here. If things really get bad, talk to her when your daughter is not around and not in the heat of the momement. I really don't think you should have to unless your husband tries and fails. I would never expect my husband to go to MY mom and deal with our situation. Good luck, give us updates!

i think the best thing you can do is to tell her how you feel.it is possible to do in a nice but firm way.tell her that you don't appreciate certain comments(give examples).try to put it in a way taht makes it seem you are giving her the benefit of the doubt,that it is unintentional.some people don't realize they are hurting people's feelings.some people do on purpose.in this case it's probably on purpose,but make it seem like you don't think so.say something along the line of i know you don't mean to hurt my feelings when you say this,but it does.i'm doing my best,and every child is an individual and shouldn't be compared to other children.perhaps you are just trying to help but it makes me feel like you are criticizing me and i don't appreciate it....something along those lines.i'm very nonconfrontational myself,usually but when it comes to your kids you have to stand up for them and what you believe in.what anyone else thinks doesn't matter.if it doesn't improve then it may be time to stop going wherever she is going to be.i know it sounds drastic,but no family is better than bad family.
she sounds like she is just very jealous and lashing out at you in a way it will hurt you the most.but you can't just ignore it and let her get away with it.just because there is a reason doesn't make it okay.

i have a few thoughts on that one... for one, she has a much older child. one who can listen and understand very well, who can communicate just like an adult. she can easily forget what its like caring for a toddler. so she says things that she really doesnt understand. like not wanting to constantly get on to your daughter b/c she might break something. i have that problem too when we're at relatives houses. its almost not worth it b/c you know you'll just be chasing them around making sure they dont mess something up. but her daughter is 6. she can tell her. dont touch anything and she'll listen. and her saying shes not speaking enough is probably that same reason. hello, it was like over 5 years ago that her child was that age and she does not remember what they should be doing. she is probably jealous, b/c apparently you and her brother did have problems but came through them fine and have a growing, happy family now. my sister has a 5 1/2 yr. old, and my kids are 2 1/2 and 13 mos. i feel like she doesnt understand my stress b/c hers is so much older and mine are still very young. it is a lot of work caring for young kids. but i would tell your husband, let him know it bothers you. you shouldnt have to feel awkward around family. or next time you see her, and she says something just say something to her. like, if she talks about how she doesnt talk enough.. mention, "really,?? b/c her doc. said sh'es got great language skills, and is above the average in that dept." put her in her place.. if she notices you arent gonna let her just belittle you anymore she might take the hint and stop.. and you can just blame it on your pregnancy if it gets ugly..lol.. you're emotional, hormones are outta control, you couldnt help it if you said things she didnt like..:) anyway, hope it gets better!!

HI B.,

WELL FIRST OF ALL, PLEASE TALK TO HER AND LET HER KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL IN A POLITE WAY OF COURSE, ALSO ABOUT YOUR DAUGTHER SHE'S FINE I WISH MY BOY WANT TO SPEAK MORE BUT HE ONLY DOES WHEN HE FEELS LIKE IT, ANYWAY DON'T WORRY ABOUT HER IF TEACHERS SAY THAT SHE'S SO A HEAD ON HER BEHAVIOR,SPEECH SKILLS ETC....YOU KNOW IT IS TRUE THEY KNOW BETTER.

YOU SHOULD TRY TO FIND YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW A BOYFRIEND SO YOU CAN GET HER OFF YOUR BACK AND KEEP HER BUSY, AND LIKE YOUR HUSBAND SAYS SHE IS JUST JELOUS OF YOUR FAMILY, BUT IF TALKING TO HER DOESN'T WORK THER MAKE YOUR HUSBAND DO IT, AND STILL DOESN'T WORK THE TWO OF YOU MUST TALK TO HER, LET EVERYTHING CLEAR AND MAKE HER RESPECT YOU, YOUR DAUGHTER, YOUR FAMILY.

GOOD LUCK, BYE.

If you are close to your mother in law and you think she will understand where you are coming from you might want to mention it to her. For example, if she hears her daughter saying something rude about your daughter, then your she might say something to her and defend you and your daughter. If she thinks that your sister in law would accept your feelings and not make it a bigger confrontation then maybe you could talk to her. It sounds to me like she might be jealous of your marriage along with your child. Obviously, her comments are out of anger or jealousy and not merit since your daughter can talk and because you can say no to your daughter. My advice would be to talk to your mother in law and get her advice! She probably knows your sister in law a lot better than we all do!

B., here is the thing. If you sit her down and talk to her about it a) how much do you think she will really even care? b) it will cause more contraversy than needed c) probably wouldn't change a darn thing anyways except that now the fact that you guys dislike each other is out in the open. So, maybe what you should do is not just stand by when she says things like that, but say things back that are not out and out rude, but that stand up for yourself and child. Ex: When she said that about you not knowing how to tell her no, you can say something smartellic like "actually we do know how to say no, but since you think it would be so great to spend the day watching her in a place full of breakables instead of getting to visit with the family, how 'bout you babysit today?" Also when she said that about your daughter, you could say something along the lines of "oh dear, maybe I should call her doctor and her teachers who have said that she is advanced for her age and tell them they need to go back to school because you know all about that stuff and you say she's behind. Thanks for the tip!" But say all this not angrily, but like "this girl has no clue what she's talking about." Almost like what she said is the dumbest idea you've ever heard. Kinda almost laugh about it after you say it, then just turn around and walk off. But now, my marriage is a different story. That is something you just don't do is try to break a marriage up. Unless it is violently dangerous, it is nobodies business but yours. And if someone tried to see their way into it, I would see them right out. The next time she says something to you or your husband, I would ask her this question "(whatever her name is), what makes you think that we would even be interested in taking advice on what is best for our marriage from someone who is divorced and has no track record to show us that their decision is the right decision? The only advice my husband and I have ever taken is 'don't let outsiders try to run your marriage.' Now that's good advice!"
I don't know, I just have never let anyone feel that they can talk to me that way or walk all over me, but I have never been someone to start an out and out brawl or arguement. So I've just always taken the very straight forward road. They eventually get the idea that you think that pretty much anything they say is just annoying and they learn to kinda shut up. They will only make the statements for two reasons 1) if they know someone will listen to it and do it or 2) if they know it upsets you and gets under your skin. I'm sure you've gotten lots of advice, so use what is best for you. Hope this helps!

Hi B.. It sounds like this is really something that your husband should be dealing with. When we leave a spouse it becomes family talk time and I'm sure that your name was said more than once before you got back together.(I'm divorced) Next time you go to a family function and the words start. Have a talk with your husband first. He needs to talk with his family and set some boundries. If she continues she's just a --tch and you are under no obligation to be nice. I know that this sounds harsh but People only tend to get worse if you dont stop them dead in their tracks. The golden rule tends to be a facture here. We make kids play by the rules why do some adults think that they are above them. If nothing else works I'd tell her in a firm voice that she is being rude and walk away a good dose if embarassment never hurt anyone. It shuts them up and makes them think. Being firm that you are no longer going to take hits about your family might just replace your hostle sister-in-law with a kinder more loving person to be around. I speak from experience once the new in laws saw that I wasn't open to any critiicism of any kind ( of my 8yr old) we have had a great relationship. Sorry to be so blunt I have't had my coffee yet :)

Tell her how you feel in any manner that seems appropriate. I'm sure you know her at least well enough to know how to get your message across. What are you afraid of? Her response? She seems to be making things pretty difficult now, can it really get worse? Maybe she'll stop talking to you for a while, that just might be a relief. Most families are able to work through difficult times even when they don't always agree. Make your stand - your children are worth it - and move on.

HEY B. :)
Family will be family. I think you should inform your sis-n-law about what your "Mamasource" friends say. Tell her she should focus on the good things about her niece (your 17mo daughter is her niece, right?) Tell her to think about how wonderful it is to be able to spend time w/such a wonderful little person. Tell her that babygirl is your pride & joy and she's more than perfect & you won't have her negativity taking away your joy. That'll probably make her do some thinking. Life is SHORT! I hope you enjoy the holidays and ignore any drama. :) C.

WOW - TONS of advice here. I'll make mine short and sweet. "Sitting down and talking to her... sounds great if your on Dr. Phil, but I dont know anyone who really does that. And getting your Husband to do it???? You are a smart woman raising your children how you see fit (bravo on the rubber band idea - I agree yelling at your little one is no fun for anyone) You are in control of your life and kids so just keep control. When I am confronted with "well meaning" advice givers who make childish remarks, I treat them as I would an older child making a misjudgment. I simply correct them in a loving but firm tone and be done with it. Ex. "Yes, so and so, I am putting rubber bands on the door because my childs safety and well being are my top priority and it is what I (with emphasis) think is best. Say it with a smile as if you were talking to another (older) child. The idea is to come accross smart, not defensive, but corrective. Remember, you are in control. And when it comes to them making JUDGEMENTS on your 17month old. People are ignorant. And you just have to foregive them. Again, treat them like an older child. I would immediately correct them. And if the comment was make in front of the child, them correct them in front of the child. This is going to happen to you and your kids at all ages. Comparisons are a painful reality of life. But by correcting the person in front of your child it helps them deal with it now and later. Simply say something profound like "God gave us 2 ears and one mouth and when___ (you child's name) is ready to talk she will and I hope that she doesnt use her words to wrongfully judge people - no matter their age. -Again said with firm loving tone. You will come accress wise and in control and they will be exposed (its obvious this person is jealous of you and your child) It sounds like you are doing a great job as a mother and a wife. Dont let people make you doubt yourself, or effect the way you are raising your kids, whether you have a good time at social gatherings or effect your relationship with your kids, husband, or other family and friends. Stay strong! Good Luck!