Dad Has Left the Picture

While I'm not married, I've been with the man in my life for almost 13 yrs. (close enough though)now & I've done the whole get out thing for years!!! I would get angry and the easiest thing for me to do was to tell him to get out, and the end result would be me wishing I'd never said it!!!! I not only punished myself, but my children, and everyone around us (because he'd have to find somewhere to live).... The longest was for a few months!!!! I got a big slap in the face when we moved into a house that he bought & he told me to get out.. Which left me with no where to go, but of course I couldn't go & he didn't make me (THANK GOD)!!!!!

But, it's a wound that needs to heal and make take time for him.... Because, men have feelings just the same as we do and we usually don't see it that way!!!!

As for the counseling, if you think you need it and it would help you do so.... There is nothing wrong with trying to work on a problem, or trying to better yourself. Even if things don't workout with you and your husband, it'll help you!!!! It will also help you transition should things not work out, and be good for your child!!!!

You need to think of you and your child at the moment since right now he's cooling off, with his ex....

I've been cheated on once , and I have forgiven (but never forgotten)..... But, if you forgive you can't use it later to throw in their face!!!! So, should you decide to take him back (if he decides to come home), there is nothing wrong with that!!!!! It's all in how you see the situation.... As long as he's not going back and forth between the two of you all the time. I think cheating once is forgivable, but more is not..... However it's YOUR LIFE!!!!!

Just remember you have a child to live for!!!! That is the most important thing right now, your child... Keep that BEAUTIFUL BABY ahead of everything else!!!!!

I really hope everything works out for you, and I hope I was of some help to you!!!!

Hey Kishi My name is C. I'm 31 years old married mom of 2 daughters and my advice sweetheart is simple you are already ahead of the game by know where you get it from so now you need to talk to your mom about why she was/is that way maybe your dad to see his point of view the point is that you get your skills of how to handle your relationships from those you see as your growing up if you have good influences then its a positive spin for you if not then you know where I'm going but then maybe you should seek a couselor and see what your so afraid of ? Happiness maybe,maybe your insecure about yourself so you push him away so he doesnt do it first? Maybe your overwhelmed with this whole new life and trust me there is a lot to be overwhelmed about. If you don't focus on you you wont be able to focus on your daughter or your relationshp try to look elsewhere for good examples of what a marriage is like I had to with my aunt and uncle my dad died when I was really young so thats why I had to do that. If you need anything elseor just want to talk im on messenger behindthesehazeleyes75...talk to you soon

Being a newlywed and having a newborn are tough for anyone. Men included. My husband and I will be married for three years this June and we had our first baby last April (we are already pregnant with another due in November.) The first few YEARS of marriage are hard, let alone adding a baby. My husband and I are still learning to adapt to each other. And yes, we have many fights.

I think it would benefit you to go to counseling- for yourself. If you don't work on yourself, you'll end up right back where you are now. If BOTH of you decide to work on your marriage, and you don't figure out how to keep from telling him to "get out," it will continue to happen and someday he won't be back.

None of this is to say that you are a bad person, what you did was wrong or that this is your fault. I'm just writing from the experience that I've learned: I must work on myself before I can change anything around me for the better.

If he decides he wants to make your marriage work, which in my humble opinion he will, the decision of whether you take him back or not is yours alone. We can't tell you either way what will work best for you and your family. The key to making it work will be that you truly FORGIVE him (you don't have to forget- who can?) and don't let future arguments end in an argument about this situation.

Give it time. Give him time to think things over. Things will work out for the best, please believe that. It may take some time for it all to become clear, but several marriages last a very long time, and happily, even being through similar trials. The most important thing right now is your beautiful baby girl. The best thing you can do for her, is let her know you are strong and you can get through anything. You're doing a great job and being the best mommy and wife you know how to be.

I wish you the best of luck!!

I think it would be wise for you to go to counseling. A friend of ours is a marriage and family counseler. I know people who have gone to him and say he is wonderful. His name is Milt Whitmer and he is in Perrysburg, OH

This is a veryyyyyy delicate situation. My husband had an affair. It lasted for two years.. And I knew it was happening and yet could not get an ounce of proof..The wench he cheated with has destryoed about 8 marriages now and she is just reallly good at what she does. That said it takes two and he was wrong...very wrong. A year and a half after he stopped the affair and tried having just a friendship with her and her family(her sick hubby who stayes with her through it all)my husbands best friends called me up one day and informed me that my husband had confided that he did indeed have an affair and though it took his friend a while to come tell me his best friends decided it was the right thing to tell me. Last yr was rough. I confronted hubby the first week of feb last yr and he lied. I kicked him out and he played games for a few weeks until he realized i was not giving in. He eventually came home and told me the truth and I was shocked but I was in counseling and even though i never thought he would want to try to work things out or that he would tell me the truth i had been tought how to handle it from there. A book I would suggest for you to read is call "Love Must Be Tough" and is writen by Dr, James Dobson. It is writen for those of us who are walking in the shoes we have walked in. It will give you the strength to either fix things the right way between the two of you or give you the strenght to walk away. But mostly it will give you strength because you are going to need to be strong. If he comes back you are going to need to be strong in ways and soft in others. This book was the best thing I have read. Right now though you have to be opposite of how you have been to get him back if you want him back...give him space...don't croud him or fight for him...if you withdraw a little he might get curios and come back. I do have to say though that right now from what you have writen you may have to prepare your heart for things ending. Also I know you love him so no matter what happens draw from that for your baby. He is the father of your baby. Whatever you do think about at least being able to be friends for the sake of your child and keep the peace...hope this helps...good luck...btw my marriage is on the mend...my husband is actually better than the man i fell in love with...good luck

You and your husband are going through a few world and life changing situations. Two of the hardest adjustments in life are marriage and kids, don’t get me wrong… I love my husband and my kids to death, but the altering of life was hard when it first started. I was with my husband for about 3 years before we got married, and within only a few days we were married (Oct 25, 94) and became parents of a little girl (Oct 27, 94 3:36 am). I was 17 yrs old and he was 20 yrs old… and believe me, we fought like cats and dogs for a while. Adjusting to being married and new parents at the same time can take a toll on everyone involved. I did deal with the being cheated on before we were married and once after we were married, phone calls from the ex-girlfriend (fiancé) years into the marriage and her down grating me as a wife, mother and person – even though there is no child between them, she keeps popping into our lives from time to time (most resent was last summer). But he has remained faithful for over 11 years now, even though she has tried getting her claws in. It took a lot of “sole searching” to decide if I was going to take him back after he cheated at the beginning of the marriage, but when I decide to, I had to forgive him for the cheating. I’m not saying it was an easy thing to do and I had a lot of people upset at me for allowing him back into my life. But that is the key… it is MY life, and I have to decide what is best for me. Just as you have to make the final decision as to what is best for you.

After all our fighting and issues, we did find a way to work it all out – it wasn’t an easy road, but with lots of afford, time and patents… I’m now 30 yrs old, been married 12 ½ years and have 3 well almost 4 kids (12 yr old girl, 3 yr old girl, 23 mth old boy and a boy due mid June). And nothing means more to me then my husband and kids, they are my world now.

So, if you feel you have “bad habits” that need to be changed, work on them… and if that means counseling, then go on your own for a while, if he joins you later that would be wonderful. Yes, it takes two to make everything work, and if it is meant to work out it will. But for now, since he is unwilling to talk and needs time to “cool down”, work on your side of the issues. If you feel that your mom’s “bad habits” were given to you, maybe you should be wounding if your mom’s “bad habits” will be passed through you to your little girl. In the end, it will take both of you wanting it to work for it to work, but if you feel you have “bad habits” that hurt this relationship, fixing them will only help you and your little girl in the future and in this relationship or another one down the road.

Remembering one thing helps me out sometimes… True love is one of the strongest things. When things are bad, no matter how bad or how much distance is between you and the one you share true love with, all things can be concurred. Sometimes it takes a little while, but if you two share true love… everything will work out.

I do hope things work out for you. Try to focus on you and your little girl for now. In time you will find out if your marriage was meant to be or not. I wish you the best of luck, and hope you are able to find happiness in whatever happens.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby girl! I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. For him to go back to his ex-girlfriend tells me things weren't over between them to begin with, no matter how many times you told him to leave in a fit of anger. If you truly want it to work out between you, I'd suggest marriage counseling for the 2 of you, if he's willing. But it doesn't sound like he is. So it sounds like it may be in your best interest to focus on you and your daughter's needs, and how to begin your new life, without him. I wish you much luck and happiness.

Wow, I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't really have advice on the marriage aspect, because I have never been married. But I wanted to say that with an 8-week-old child, you need to try and focus on being the best mother you can be regardless of your relationship with her father. I know this is all very tough, but try to keep your focus where it should be and things will work out the way they are supposed to.

I hate to say this, but honestly? I think it's apparent he doesn't want to work things out. I really don't think you should be blaiming yourself in all of this, because it takes two. Regardless of how many times you told him to leave, he DID move in with his ex and has a relationship with her now, not too mention he hasn't bothered to even call about his 2 month old child. THAT is reason enough to not want him back. I know it's hard, trust me, I have been there. My ex moved out a while back, and in 2 months, he has seen his 13 month old daughter one time, for a total of 2 hours. I gave him chance after chance because I desperately wanted things to work out, but, guess what? You can't force something to work that is broken. The fact is, he didn't want to work things out, or care enough to even try. He wanted to be young and free and I has never shown a real interest in being a father. He makes damn good money,(much more than I do) yet says he can't afford a cell phone to even call and ask about her (BUT, he did just buy a new car). I don't even know how to get ahold of him if anything should happen to our daughter, but you know what? I've come to the hard truth that some men aren't meant to be fathers, and, sadly, I am on my own. It rarely works out once someone has cheated. Some people can get through it, but I think the fact that you have a new little baby, and he was THAT heartless to basically abandon not just you, but, more importantly her, speaks volumes about his character. I think you should concentrate on you and your daughter. I had to look at it this way, sure it would have financially have been easier to have stayed with my ex, and just go on dealing with his lies, absentness, and cruel mouth, but, what message would that send my daughter? The greatest thing I can give my daughter is self-esteem, but how can I if I allow a man to treat me bad and put up with it? Though I cried a lot, and I am still dealing with the anger (It is not easy raising a child alone, knowing he gets to sleep in, go out with friends, and spend all his money on himself) my main priority is, and always will be, my daughter. I came from a messed up background, but I am determined not to make the same mistakes with my daughter. I lived through constant fighting (most of time violent in nature) and I see what it did to me, so I will not put my daughter through that. No man is worth the pain, aggrivation, hurt, and anger. Love isn't supposed to be that hard, so don't dare let him make you feel like the bad guy and that you are to blaim. Remember, you are the one waking up with your daughter every morning, making sure she is safe, fed, loved, and clothed, certainly not him. More than likely, he will show up again begging to be taken back, because it seems to be a pattern with men like this, but, just remember, is he really worth it?

Hi Kishi! I have to say I agree w/the girls! In my opinion everything happens for a reason. Sounds like things have not been good for a while now. I know it may be tough right not but I'm telling you in the end it's probly for the best and you will be much happier. I would not beg him anymore. Let him go and move on, as hard as it is. You will eventually meet that someone who IS the right man for you. And I must say, better it happen now then when your little one gets older and can understand or if you had another child. It would be much harder then. Also, Don't blame yourself. They always make you feel like it's your fault, IT'S NOT!

Good luck!
S.

Congrats on your sweet baby girl. Whether or not there are two adults in the home remember that she comes first.
This relationship may or may not have a chance to become a family so you need to take precautions to protect yourself and your daughter. Get a pencil, scratch paper and a notebook. On the scratch paper write down facts that have happened since your daughter was born regarding yourself, your husband and anything pertaining to the relationship between father and daughter. Once you have your facts straight write them down in the notebook along with date, time and anything else that will back your story in the unfortunate event of a divorce.
I am sorry to hear that this is happening and so soon after the joyous birth of your daughter. Now though, you need to protect her in ways you never thought you would have to. So think outside the box!
~RachaelB

Awwww honey I am sorry. I kind of went thorugh a similar situation, I was never married to the guy but it's never easy when they leave.
You need to do what you feel in your heart is best for you and your child.

Hey Kishi

Tough situation to be in!the only thing that I can say is do you know that you are a very strong person? because if you do know that then you know you can get through this either by yourself or if he comes back. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now (we are engaged but we just haven't gotten married yet) I have told him numerous times to get out so we can both cool off. and he has tried to tell me the same thing We have a little girl that is 3 1/2 yrs old and he has a son that is 7 1/2 yrs old that he doesn' get to see. You knew before you got married that he had another child and you were willing to except that then. If he wants to come back then I think that you two should sit down and have a long converstaion and tell him why you say what you say all the time. Counseling may or may not help but you two have to sit down and talk. But if he doesn't want to come back then try to get your life together. It's a tough spot to be in no matter what way you look at it. But the only advice that I can give is sit down and talk about some options with him before it gets to carried away

I wish you the best of luck
Angie

Weather you get back together or not you need counceling regarding your flight responce in stressful situations. You will not be ready for a a relationship unitl then. I speak from experience...several years in counceling for anger issues and my flight responce due to both my parents and their sick twisted relationship. Work on yourself. I really can't give you advice about your husband. Know until the papers are sign he's still your husband. But I would insist that he take the baby at least once a week for a day. It's his child too, even if he needs to pick the baby up a neutral space or from a neutral person. Don't make it ease for him to forget his obligation to his kid. The lack of contact only makes it easier for him to put the baby on the back burner.

I'd be interested in who he comes to when he and his ex get into a fight? Why pick the ex with his kid to stay with? Why not family or a friend? You and the ex are kind of in the same boat. You both want to create a family with him. My best advice is still go to councel for yourself alone. That is the best thing to do. The rest will work out for the best one way or the other.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this during what should be the happiest time of your life. I know it's only natural to blame yourself, as that takes the focus off what he has done --- and as soon as you really tune into that -- you will have to face some hard issues, like "is he who you thought he was?"

My guess (only a guess) is that you could just be missing the person you wanted him to be, or hoped he would be, but not really him. It's hard to believe now, but you will find someone who is worthy of your love, who will not walk away even when you tell them to. Because when you are with the right person, he will know and except "that this is just your way of handling disappointment/anger" and he will understand that "you were just angry at that time" and will give you time to cool off before running into another woman's arms (friend or more - it doesn't matter, as he turned away from you and to her).

I wouldn't chase him. If you run into a mutual friend, I wouldn't even ask about him. You need to create some mystery so he starts to wonder what you are doing. If he doesn't care, then so be it (this just means you have some exciting opportuniteies in your future to find that man who is both caring and understanding.

If you think really think he is a good man, then the best thing to do is to start focusing completely on yourself and your baby... Make yourself happy; don't depend on him for your happiness. He may just respect and admire you for your strength and your self-respect. Also, they say men want what they can't have. The girlfriend was an X girlfriend for a reason,...so it probably won't last for long. When she does him wrong he will come running back to you. You need to search yourself for the answer to whether you will take him back. I personally would not just with the little info here, as my daughter deserves a daddy who loves her unconditionally. Try to move forward without the getting back together even being a possiblity (as then you won't be disappointed and will already have your life on track...if he stumbles back). Be sure to go and get set up for Child Support ASAP!!!! Don't waste any time on that part of it. This is only another point of view to consider. Please know that I don't know your whole situation -- so it may not be the best advice. All my best to you!! Don't be afraid to lean on friends and family during this difficult time.

This may sound harsh but its the reality..First of all.. he CHOSE to go and stay with his EX GF instead of asking family or some other friends.He made that call..So now that you know he is actually with her.. do you really think you would be able to trust him even if he did want to come back? Without trust in a relationship.. There is no foundation...Example... When he goes to visit or pick up his other daughter..Would you be wondering exactly what he was doing and be worried?..2nd of all.. Honey.. if he hasnt contacted you, hes obviously not worth what you had thought.You gave birth recently to his 2nd child.Even if he didnt want to have a relationship with you.. He should have been trying to keep one with your baby...With that being said I wish you all the luck in the world with your future.Think carefully about what you and your child need..look at the good and the bad of being with him. You may find that you cant live without him.. but you also may find that your better off... Something about the future though..you may want to talk to a counseler regardless of the outcome.Beleive me.. it helps!!!!

Kishi,

I am not sure that I have any advice for you but I just wanted to write and say good luck. I am sure this is a very hard situation for you and I truly hope the best works out for you and your family.

K.