My daughter is now 15. I am an expat living in a major European city, fairly safe, but with the usual dangers a city of over 2 million people brings. We are currently having a discussion with my daughter about her curfew times both during the week and at the weekend. We feel that during the week she can attend school events. Otherwise we feel she should only go out on special occasions and be home at 9 pm. The issue now at hand is a fair in the city with rides etc. and she finds 9 pm crazy. We are sticking to our guns, but I would like to hear what your curfew is for your daughter during the week.
Edit: In response to some of the questions, no one in her group of friends is 18 so no one will be driving. We don't own a car, so neither will we. Even if we did, no one drives their kids into the city here. They all travel together by train and bus. When I say fair you need to imagine a travelling carnival set up in the middle of downtown right near the red light district. Great police presence, lots of fun, but not like the State Fair at all. Many moons ago, the Beatles got themselves in a great deal of trouble at this same fair. I know one of the kids she is going with, the others are friends of friends and live in the city, so they are a bit more street smart than my suburban daughter. They are, however, all, with the exception of my daughter, old enough to legally drink beer and wine. She has a cell phone and so far has been a very honest and mostly responsible kid. Thanks for all your ideas so far...
I think that as long as she is dependable and calls when she is supposd to and follows the rules, allowing her a little extra time will be fine. Now, if she doesn't follow the rules, then it's 9pm. She has to prover her trust. And when she makes mistakes, you need to correct them.
I live in a small town right beside a medium sized city and my curfew is whenever they say to be home. It all depends who I am with, what we are doing, how good my grades have been, how good I've been at home and what I have done recently. Usually for fairs and stuff they let me stay till 11-12, but I also know that if my adopted mommy called and said be ready in 5, I'm coming to get you, there is no arguing and I better be ready!
fairs are different! We always allow our kids to stay to the end! Enjoy the fun while it lasts....
As for your worries about 2million people.....size pretty much doesn't matter. You get a group of people together & anything can happen. I will never forget the time I was attending a party (as a teenager) & a group of men came up on us & pulled a shotgun. Did it just to scare us.....but it was a small town, not a city! Crazy, crazy, crazy.....
Curfews do not exist in our home until they are driving. Random hanging out in the evening is not allowed during the school year/school week. The only time they get to leave is for games/events. On weekends, the curfew is 10pm for age 16.....11pm for 17 (allows for work schedule)....& then moves to midnite thereafter. Oh...& all of this means that any hanging out is done after school....not in the evening. I expect them home by dinnertime - leaving the evenings for homework, activities, & family time.
Once it is dark she should always have a buddy or a friend with her. Also her cell phone.
Our rule with our daughter was to let us know the plans, if they changed, she needed to call. When she was on her way home she was also to call, so we would be expecting her by a certain time..
Good suggestions about 9:00 during school, but also if a school event it could be pushed back. Sometimes football games could go till 11:30 with overtime.. Or a theater production, could run later.
As long as our daughter kept us informed of her plans, throughout the evening, we were pretty fine.
Also IF she stayed up late or out late for an event the next morning she better pop out of bed ready for school with no complaints or our daughter knew I was not going to be happy..
It really depends on where she is going and what she is doing. We live in a small suburban area, so my 16 year old isn't wandering around at night. I wouldn't let your daughter out at night all alone, but if she is with a group of friends, that's fine. Having to be home at 9pm because she isn't anywhere in particular is fine, but my daughter is often at movies, fairs, sports events that don't end by 9:00 - but where we live, the teens have to be driven everywhere.
I agree with S.M. here that a curfew is a guideline and should be based on your child's maturity as well as the cultural norms where you live. For what it's worth, my parents are ultra-conservative and my weeknight curfew was negotiable depending on the reason I needed to be out on a weeknight and weekends were 10:00 at that age, again negotiable depending on the reason. On a date with the HS sweetheart? 10:00 (which really meant in the house by 11 and usually in the driveway by 9:45)
She will be attending a carnival in the summer and probably wants to be there when it gets dark. Let's be honest, carnivals are way cooler in the dark!
Just my thoughts here...
1. Is she responsible enough to be out later?
2. Does she generally respect your guidelines and curfew?
3. Does she have to get up for school the next day?
4. Does she have a cell phone or could she take yours?
I don't know exactly what I would do in your situation, but at that age my parents would have let me stay out later with the understanding that I would be with a group and call periodically to check-in AND would be in by 11:00, not one second later.
To me, this is a special occassion and something fun for her to experience with her friends. You know where you live and you know what is considered "safe" and what isn't, but I would probably let her stay out later and see if she can handle the responsibility. If she can't, well- back to 9:00 and no flexibility until she can handle it!
I think a curfew time should be a guideline. The real issue is WHERE she will be. Where is she going? What are the hours of the event? And how would she get home and with whom?
For instance, does the fair go to 11pm? midnight? I dont' think she should stay until an event closes when it will be chaotic and people might be intoxicated? Also the risk of a drunk driver is higher after 11-12 at night. Will the trains/buses be running? Will she have to transfer and stay at a deserted stop? Will she be driving? Does she have driving experience in the dark? Can you pick her up? Will her friends be able to go with her?
I would think 10 might be about as late as I would let her stay, but I woudl pick her up rather than have her get home alone. She is probably safe on the fairgrounds if she uses a buddy system with her friends, but its the transportation which sounds scary to me.
On school nights, I think she shoudl be in bed around 10 at the latest, and there would be very little reason to be out past 8 or 9 for a specific event. She should be home for homework and chores, etc. Occasional visit to friends houses would be okay, but ususally, I woudl expect her home for dinner..
At 15, it varied depending on whether it was a school night, and how special the event was. For a special event, if she is with a bunch of other people, and it is generally safe for teens to be out later if they are in a group, then I think you should extend the curfew for the fair.
Who is she going with to this fair?
In Europe you can't get a license until 18, so is she hanging out with a bunch of older kids?
I would take her to the fair, have a meeting place every hour or so or make sure she called you to check in every hour and if she doesn't her time is up.
During the week in the summer my kids can stay up later, midnite. They do not hang out. During the school year, they are too tired to be up much past 9pm unless they are doing homework.
At 15 I was hanging around with boys and girls 4 years older, going to clubs and doing bad bad stuff. My parents had no idea where I was most of the time, they probably cared but never really asked questions. I got into lots of trouble, and was lucky I didn't end up pregnant, or dead.
I lived in a European city of around 250,000 (Swansea, Wales), You would think that a smallish Welsh city would be safe, but the things I saw, from the age of around 14 would curl your toes. Drugs, sex, violence...
I think you need to know where your 15 year old is at all times, I think your idea is good, 9pm is fine, when she is 18 she can do what she wants, and is an adult and has to take responsibility, but at 15, she is immature.
Go to the fair with the kids.
Minor chaperoning
You may have major fun.
But, I think 9pm, no matter where you live is fair for a 15 year old on a school night. Maybe 10:30 or 11 pm on a weekend. My 15 yo son attending a local teen club the other weekend - his curfew was 10:30pm - but I dropped him off and picked him up. Oh, and the club is run by a Christian organization - so what the heck do I know. I am the most over protective Mom that I know. LOL
I dont know about wher you live but 9 pm on school nights is great but weekend i think 11 should work summer is a diferent story mine is in at 11 everynight but we drive them here no public transportation n nyc
My kids are very young so I haven't gotten to this as a parent yet. I grew up in the suburbs of NYC with a direct train line to the city. I was not allowed to go into the city by myself until my senior year of highschool. BTW, probably half the people I grew up with have a story of the time they missed the last train home from the city sometime in high school or college and were stuck in Penn Station until the trains started running at 5 am--very few people did this more than once. I think the first time I went to NYC by myself I went once with a bunch of friends at 17 for the day (my mom found out later and was surprised because I was working at sleep away camp all summer and this was on our day off). My parents weren't all that strict (later curfew and more flexibility than some of my friends) but then again my friends were literally almost all girl scouts and we more or less stayed out of trouble on our own. I was also trained to always use the buddy system from before I was a teenager--I would have been in much more trouble if I went off on my own or came back without the friend(s) I went with than if I missed curfew. Basically my mom expected to know where I was, who I was with and when I would be back.
In your situation I would say 9 is reasonable if it is an event that starts in the daytime. I would really reinforce the safety rules like staying with the group and what to do if she gets lost or separated from her friends. Alternately going with them on the train and letting them go around the fair as a group could work.
I completely understand and support curfews, even if it makes you unpopular with your kids. And of course it does. I've told my neices that even though right now it's so "annoying" all the rules and restrictions that are put them, that they need to realize it's because their parents love them and want them to be safe and turn out responsible happy young women. If your parents let you do whatever you want, then that shows they really don't care. And you'll find yourself in alot more trouble.
Try testing her out little bit. Show up to places she is, try to stay unseen and check out her behavior. If she is showing herself to be responsible stretch the limits every now and then, if the situation is right.
At 15, she really doesn't need to be out unattended past 9 p.m.
I used to work for a cultural exchange program, and one big cultural difference between European and American parents is the level of independence/personal freedoms that teens get to experience. Often the European teens would be accustomed to later curfews and more freedom of movement that American teens would normally be permitted. You can imagine some of adjustment issues that might come from that!!
I don't know if it would help you to speak to a few of her friends' parents (I assume they are Europeans, or maybe a mix of Europeans and US Expats) to see how they view it. I'm not saying you have to go along with a plan that you are not comfortable with just because they might be. But it might help give some perspective in your decision-making.
Fifteen is still pretty young. You alone can assess her judgement and know what is comfortable for your family. Good luck with this tough question!
