Child Custody - Roseburg,OR

No. If you let the children overnight you would not make the order null and void. The order remains in effect unless or until a new order is signed by a judge or the children turn 18.

BUT if would be a phenomenally stupid thing to do to allow your ex to have overnight visits - especially considering he hasn't gone through the drug treatment program. If you let him have the children unsupervised, then you'd better believe that he will be able to go into court and argue that there is no legitimate basis to place any restrictions on his time with the children in the future.

You can ask the court to modify the current parenting plan to eliminate even the supervised visits, but I don't predict a judge will do this unless his visits are threatening or harmful to you or the children. Honestly, I would recommend that you leave the parenting plan/visitation schedule the way it is now. He cannot and should not receive unsupervised overnight visits unless or until he goes through the drug program. If he completes the program, THEN you might want to consider going to court to modify the custody order.

First of all, if you let him have the children unsupervised when the court said he couldn't, not only could he get in trouble, but you could have charges brought against you for endangering the children.

If the father has NO contact for a year and does not even try in that year, you could have his parental rights terminated, but then he wouldn't have to pay you child support.

1st of all let's deal with the logistics of visitation for your ex-husband now. He lives in Alaska, you live in Roseburg, Oregon. Roundtrip tickets from his residence to yours will be in excess of $500 RT, if he's lucky. Every other weekend is cost prohibitive, especially if he's paying any sort of child support as well. Drug rehab could be completed in AK, part of that could be Narcotics Anonymoous or AA.... again, it's up to the court system, if they mandated it to get the necessary documentation to satisfy the conditions. You need to talk with your ex-husband It sounds as though you'd like to give him overnight visitation if he were to fly down and visit with the kids as you realize the cost and where would he stay with them, I don't know if you want to let them fly to AK for an extended visit, you don't mention that. Communicatin is the key here, and that's usually one of the things lacking that helps facilitate the need for a divorce. I hope it works out for the sake of your children.

Here's to a happier, healthier new year!!!

A few questions for you.

What is it that you would like to see happen here?

Are you considering letting him have them over night?

It sounds as if he is not interested in the kids and that they and you are better off with out him in your lives.

My understanding of Oregon law is that the only thing that can change the court order is to go and get another court order to replace it. I am not an attorney though, I am a Life Consultant, my expertise is in the mental/emotional rather than legal fields.

My attorney was Risa Hall in Central Point and she was very effective. She has also helped a friend of mine.

I would not allow him to have the kids overnight or without supervision. It sounds as if he has a serious problem on top of not having a good connection w/the kids. If harms comes to them, you can never take that back. If you need a night off, get a reliable babysitter.

C.,

I'm no legal eagle but it sounds like this is already null due to your ex-husband's inaction.

1) He didn't really see the kids when he was in town.
2) He's moved further away and can't have the kids with him.
3) Before he can have the kids with him he needs to successfully complete (I'm guessing) a drug treatment program, which he hasn't done.

I wouldn't stress him too much, just keep the custody orders as they are, and if he ever cleans his act up then maybe revisit his visitation. He is choosing not to exercise his rights as their father, and that's probably best for all involved.

I have a very vague memory of when I was a young child (2-10 in age). My parents were divorced when I was still a baby in diapers and part of their custody arrangement was that my dad had to call and give weekly updates as to my goings on and all that. One of the last times that phone call was made I remember sobbing hysterically while hiding in my dad's beard as he hung up the phone. I would beg him not to make me talk to my mom on the phone. To this day I don't remember anything that was said during those calls, but I do remember that I hated having to make that call.

The best thing that you can do for your kids is to say very little on the subject of their father. When they're old enough, they will make up their own minds about him. I'm quickly discovering why my parents didn't get along, and I've known I'm a lot like my dad.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

You would have to go back to court, I am afraid, and spend money, time, and effort. It would involve reliving old hurts, and might even involve the children now that they are older. It is possible that he would fight back, and be nasty about it. You would have to be prepared for the worse.

It is very difficult to get the visitations completely stopped. Personally I think the best thing would be to get on with your life and not worry about when he will see them. It is his choice, not yours. It also sounds like he is probably not the type you would want your children to be visiting overnight, unsupervised, and chances are he hasn't even bothered to try. When he cares enough to want them around more, he will do what is necessary to make those visits possible. Enjoy every minute with your children and know that they are free from the stress of being around a person like that. When they ask about him it is easy enough to say he lives really far away and may not be able to see them as often, then leave it at that. Don't talk bad about him to them, they will figure it out on their own eventually. And live it up!! After all you could all still be stuck living with that type of man every day. I know this from experience.

This sounds like a question for a family law atty. Sorry you are going through this.

I live in Oregon and can tell you that there is nothing you can do to take away his right to see the kids. What you can do, is take him to court for not taking advantage of his opportunity to see them, and ask that his scheduled visits be stopped so that you and the children are not constantly let down by his not showing up, calling, etc.
My husband and I have custody of his 3 who's bio mom walked out years ago. What the judge finally did was tell her that due to her inconsistancies, the court was no longer going to be involved until she chould show that she could be consistant. In the mean time, all visitation and contact with the kids was up to us. She had rights to them, but the limit on those rights was our decision. This put us without our rights to say no visits for the next 3 years until she finally showed us that she had changed. The kids didn't talk to or see her, get letters from her, etc. for 4 plus years.

you can go into court and have the visitation plan changed. If you do things without changes you could be in contempt because the way things are now it is court ordered and the only way to make null and void is to go back to court
good luck Paula

Hi C.

Whatever you do stick to the agreement handed down by the court. He's not stable and that puts your children at risk. There is no way to know if he's been in drug treatment if all you have is his word to go on. There is no way to know if he has had a relapse and is a substance abuser at present.
Don't give him any excuse to take you back to court. Accept the fact that he's a man who isn't able to commit to anyone including his children.
Hopefully you have found a man who is good for you and will be loving and kind to your children. If he's not a good stepfather the marriage will suffer.
Ask the children how they feel about him. Ask several questions in different ways maybe on different days.
You need feedback from the kids to know if your fiancee is right for the family as well as you.

You do not say why he moved. Is he Military or did he have to move for his job? Or did he just choose to make a change that took him away from his children? Weekend visits would be impossible from AK. It is well over $500, closer to $600 or $650 to get a round trip flight from here (I am in AK). The men I know here who have visitation of a child do it as 2 extended visits, in the summer and winter usually. If you and your x can find common ground (and he cleans up his act) then this type of arrangement may work. You will always be co-parents to those children, so it will be best for them if you and your X can find some way to get along. If, however, he continues to show no interest in being their father, then I would just leave it at that, but try not to bad mouth him to your children, let them make up their own minds about him, for he will always be their father, and half of who they are.

I'm confused. You want to have more liberal "visitation", parenting time or you want to legally end the availability of that time?

Either way, the answer is the same. You have to go to court and get the order changed if you want to make a legal change.

If you, on your own, allow for more liberal visitation time, you are opening the door for him to go back to court and ask for more involvement.

And you need to be concerned about safety. Because he has not completed drug rehab I'm guessing you want to eliminate the requirement for visits.

Returning to court is not only expensive but I believe not in the best interest of your children. They may feel that you are the one preventing time spent with their father. You become the "bad guy." When their father is allowed visits but does not visit they will then know that not visiting is his choice.

If your difficulty is wanting them to visit their father but the cost is prohibitive I don't know of an answer in light of their father's drug addiction. Again, this is more the father's problem to solve than yours. He chose to move to Alaska.

If you're wanting your children to have more contact you can arrange that thru phone calls and mail but only if their father also wants more contact.

It is best when children have a relationship with both parents but this will only happen in a healthy way when both parents are co-operative with each other.

If not having a relationship is the result of their father's failure to comply with the court order the children are able to see for themselves what sort of man/father he is without getting confused by your wanting to prevent contact.

Who their mother and father are and what sort of relationship they have with them contributes to their sense of who they are. It's important to keep the boundaries clear. This means that even tho you may facilitate contact you allow the father to be who he is and allow the children to experience for themselves who he is. This also means that you present as neutral an opinion of him in front of the children as you can. When one parent criticizes another parent the child usually takes on that as a criticism of themselves. This is an internal process that often doesn't manifest itself until the child reaches adulthood.

If you were to put a stop to contact you become the one in control which gives the father and your children to blame you.

If you set up visits that are inappropriate because of his previous lack of involvement and especially because of his drug addiction you also become the one to blame for the poor relationship.

I suggest that the best thing that you can do is, as others have said, get on with your life and let your ex do what he will do while protecting your children from the results of his drug addiction. When they express wishes to see him you can just say, "that's up to your Dad." and sympathize with their loss.

It is a loss to not know their father. I would hope that their step-father is able to take on the father role. But he can never take the place of their birth father and it's important that he not try to do so.

I would contact an attorney for a free consultation.

At this point, I can say to you that you are the one who has to make the visitations null and void. Live your life as if they don't exist and you and your children will get along better for it. I too suffer through a similar situation and my twins and I have unfortunately learned the hard way that it is better not to expect it and if it happens, fine. But we have a no-show, no-call dad who has graduated after 8 years to "wait-til-the-last-minute-to-call-and-cancel-dad."

I find it is better not to even tell the boys. There are many times they don't want to go with him, not because he can't be trusted, but because they just don't want to spend time with him. Of course I "force" them to go for my sanity as well as their own development of some relationship with their blood father. It turns out better nowadays than not, since they can speak for themselves now(!).

You have to be the one who says his stupidity is not going to ruin yours and your childrens' lives. You are better than him and act that way. It would behoove you as an adult to let your children see how weak you are emotionally over his bad behavior. My children and I love that we can trust each other and we can count on each other because that is what I am teaching them, so it doesn't contradict what he does unless he does it himself! then it doesn't effect us because we have learned to expect this behavior from him, and we pay it no mind. I am very sorry for what you are going through. it can be very tough, when you don't expect someone to come right out and say "yes, it is 'out of sight, out of mind' for me." I wish you and your children peace, patience, and healing.

Namaste