Being Okay with Having an Only Child

As the mom of an only, some of the views here are hard to read. It would help a lot if we could all accept and not judge other people's choices when they do not have an impact on the welfare of others. I have a wonderful, bright, happy, loving 3 year old daughter who is most likely going to be an only. I had her when I was 43! People ask constantly if I'm going to have another! Ok, so I am a 'young' 46, and most people think I'm in my thirties, but the issue is that the pressure women place on each other makes it difficult to determine what YOU really want for your own family. Sometimes I think 'if I had started earlier then I would have had another' but then I wouldn't have the one I have right now - and I cannot imagine living life without knowing this little being! I love having a daughter that I cherish and love spending time with. We are able to do things we could not afford, or would have time/energy to do if we had another. We all have our unique situations, and it would be helpful if we tried to understand that what might work for one family, would not for another. So D., I am so thankful for my family. I am so happy to have an only.

Hi D. I am sorry to hear you are having a hard time. I think it is natural to grieve the growing of our children. We rejoice in them growing, but will miss certain things about the babyhood that we will never have again. I just finished coming to terms with having an only child and I was the one who originally wanted only one. My husband for years wanted another. Then when he finally decided it was the right choice for us, I felt so sad and to this day I questioned if this was the right decision sometimes. I also had severe ppd ( I now also have a chemical imbalance that I still battle so it took several years to find meds that work) I think that played a role in my grieving, because I never got to enjoy those first few years and I so wanted to redeem myself. I have learned now to live more in the moment and I enjoy most moments with my daughter ( its pretty hard though when shes throwing a tantrum I have to admit ) My daughter is almost 7 and is perfectly fine as an only child. In fact I have asked her if she wanted a sibling and she has mentioned several times, once after playing with a friend with siblings, that she is glad she is the only one.
Because your daughter is in daycare she is getting interaction with kids. Just keep her busy in groups and help her learn to foster good friendships. Ultimately it will be her personality and your example of how she is with others. I have meet only kids that are well behaved and very giving and children of large families that are brats and selfish. Only kids in general do better in school because of the extra one on one time they can get with their parents. There are all sorts of statistics that show that onlys have many advantages that can make them very successful. As a family I know we love to travel and we would not be able to do as much with more than one child. Some people say that is the sacrifice that should be made and its petty, but I am excited that I can share so many adventures with my daughter. I love taking her someplace new and watching her eyes light up. Also there is the misconception about having siblings means a built in support system. This is not necessarily true. I do come from a large family, but just because we are blood doesn't mean that we get along. In fact most of my siblings do not talk to each other at all. 2 of my sisters have been able to mend some hurts, but during the time I had no one, I learned that my family was who I loved, not who I was related to. I have an incredible relationship with my husband and his family, and have several friends I have known most of my life now ( I was 10 and then 16 when I meet my sisters) They are my daughters aunts and uncles and I intend to help my daughter foster good friendships in hopes of finding a true sister.
There is no right or wrong to this decision, even though there are tons of people who are willing to judge what is right ( I have been told once that real parenting didn't start till I had more than one child) I am a real mom and its easy to have a bunch of kids but its hard to be a parent. Give yourself time to grieve and know its ok. You are not complaining just needing support and that is ok. Your little girl is only 2, so if your age works perhaps you could be discuss a second child latter ( nothing wrong with siblings far apart too) But also know that if you have a wonderful husband, you need consider his feelings and not create a rift between the two of you. Our children are suppose to grow up and make a life of their own and we are left with each other. Your little girl will be fine as an only or a sister. I know many only children and they are all normal, happy successful adults, they have told me the same things when I worried about my daughter being an only child. Good luck to you and your family.

I was an only child, and loved it. I think this debate is somewhat similar to the debate of women working outside the home or staying home to care for children. Either decision is the absolute best decision when it is right for you. Studies show that only children can be happier than children with siblings, especially since there are no rivalry issues to deal with, and many Leaders, U.S. Presidents and CEOs are only children. Only children tend to become more self-reliant, self-confident, and satisfied adults.

Hi D.,
I am so sorry that you're struggling with the idea of having an only child. After reading your post, I felt that I needed to respond because I am both a working mother and an only child. Many people who have siblings think that being an only child is a bad thing, but let me assure you that I never felt that way. We were very happy as a little family of 3 and I had many more opportunities than my friends with siblings as a result. Your beautiful daughter will never know the difference, so don't worry about her. Hang in there!

I am the parent of an only, and he will be staying an only child. We decided not to have more children because we both have serious physical and emotional health challenges. And our son needs living and functional parents more than he needs siblings.

We have come to peace with this. Yes, there are still times I worry about things he might miss out on from not having siblings. But he is doing well. Only children can be well-adjusted, intelligent, friendly, kind, and accomplished as well as those with siblings.

Only children often spend much of their time with parents, and thus develop adult language and reasoning skills fast. They get more one-on-one time and attention, and statistics show they tend to do better in school(in general-of course each kid is unique).

I've heard over and over that "he won't learn to share." In fact, MANY people have commented that our son is better at sharing than most kids, and has been from a very young age. I attribute this to his being an "only." He's never had to feel the very real fear that there is "not enough to go around" that comes with sibling rivalry. So he has a natural trust that there will always be enough. He can give to others without worrying that it takes away from him. He knows he is the center of our world and always will be, so he doesn't need to feel jealous. As a result, he can be more generous with others. He is very kind and has never learned to use the put-downs I hear many kids use with their siblings.

Parents of only children are less likely to be exhausted, and more likely to have energy, time, and sufficient money. This can be a blessing for you, your husband, and your child, if you will let it. You can really enjoy each other, take trips, give your child more opportunitites...

Because it is easier to give so much, we've made a conscious effort to teach our son self-sacrifice. Kids with siblings get this lessons automatically (though like I've said, they don't always take to it without rivalry). It's easier to let the world revolve around your only than when your attention is divided. We require our son to give things away, be involved in service to others and chores, etc.

I would absolutely NOT pressure your husband to have more children. I know you are sad about this. And I get it, as my husband was the same way. I was willing to sacrifice our health to try for another, but it would NOT have been a good thing. Now that my health is even worse I'm so glad I listened to my husband about this. Our son would be in real trouble if we'd had more kids. I barely get by as it is with our health challenges, and he needs parents who aren't overwhelmed and sick all the time.

Your daughter needs her parents to have a stable marriage more than she needs to have a sibling. That will be the best gift you can give her. Think about it this way: If you or your husband had a condition that would make having more kids physically impossible or life threatening, you would probably be able to let go of the idea. You wouldn't ask your husband to sacrifice your life or his and give up the great blessings you have right now.

Tell yourself that your husband's refusal to have more kids is his way of telling you he is (emotionally) unable to have more kids. He is telling you he has limited resources, and does not want to get overwhelmed and lose the peace you both have right now. Emotional limitations to having more kids are real, just as are physical ones. If you tell yourself your husband "can't have more kids" and maintain his equilibrium (which is what he's trying to tell you), you can let go of the anger that can come if you tell yourself you "can't have more kids" because "my husband won't let me."

Try to focus on the wonderful blessings you do have in your life. Look at the positive things which can come from having only one child. And know that you are not alone. MANY people are in the same boat. But you and your family can be ok. Just work to make your little family the strongest and best little family it can be, even if it's different from other families.

I would agree with what one of the other writers wrote about grieving and letting it go. What will be h*** o* your daughter if she's an only is if she knows you are disappointed about that. If you show her you are happy with the way your family is, she will be too (and won't know any different from her own experience).

Please know in sending this post I do not intend to judge anyone's decisions. There are many types of happy and successful families, and family size is a very personal decision. No one else can say what is right for you. You have my warmest thoughts and lots of hugs. :o)

D.: I am an only child and ended up having an only child. I didn't ever think i would have kids to begin with but thought I would try, started later in life (39) and had my son. Tried again for a second, but miscarried (it was twins and they would have been 15 months apart!). Waited a while and tried another time only to find out I was in perimenopause. At that point (and now being 42) I decided it is probably not in the cards so I am learning to be happy with one. I think I was very well adjusted being an only but I will admit missed out on having at least one sibling. I was hoping when I had kids to have two but again, not everything in life is in our control so I am learning to accept the way things are and find peace with that. Sometimes it's hard I admit but there are advantages to having only one. But there are days I still struggle. Feel free to email me if you would like to talk more one on one. Hang in there!

Hi D., I am in the same boat as you, only my son is now 7. He is our only child and as time goes by I realize if we are going to have a 2nd I probably should have started 6 years ago, lol. I too am torn by whether or not we should have tried for more. The positive of an only child is that he knows the sun rises and sets as far as we are concerned, with him. He is a well adjusted, sweet, smart and loving little boy. He has told me his friends at school say that brothers and sisters are no fun, lol. I always said I wanted 4 kids, that was until I got pregnant with the first. I was very sick the whole pregnancy and despite all the planning with a midwife and natural childbirthing classes, my delivery and labor was hell. I had complications after he was born, both physical and mental :) I think this is what postponed any further efforts to have an other child.
The best gift you can give your daughter, is a healthy relationship with her father. You should respect his feelings as far as adding more children, but at the same time your desire for more is just as important.

Hi D., wow lots of opinions here! I have an only child, a daughter- now 9. I assumed we would have more, but after a near-death during her birth and complications due to that, she is an only! We thought maybe adopting was an option, but as time went on we realized we were happy with an only.

I, too, went through a time when she was about two of feeling like we should change our minds. But after giving it some time and talking it over with friends, I realized that it was more about wanting the baby time with her again, not really wanting a new baby. I think you do go through a time of grieving the loss of baby things. I think you would do this no matter how many kids you had. I have friends with 2+ kids who went through this when they decided they were done.

To answer your specific question about the positives, here's what I realize I love about having an only child. She gets 100% of my time. When we would be snuggled up reading, I sometimes think if I had a baby, I might have to say "sorry honey, be right back, the baby's crying" and things like that. Now that she's in school, I don't have to divide my time during class parties, etc. When we eat dinner, she is in the family conversation (growing up with 3 siblings myself I know it was mostly the parents talking and then us 4 kids talking).

As far as concerns, I make a big effort to keep her in activities that have her around other kids and I arrange play dates. But honestly, I think natural temperament dominates. My daughter is very extroverted and does great in school. Me with all of my siblings was and still am rather shy.

To be honest, I do worry about when she's older and has to make decisions for my husband and I. First, we made sure our wishes are clear in our will. Second, I encourage her to have strong healthy friendships and relationships. I'm hoping she'll have a husband and good friends to lean on. I have several friends (and saw other posts) of people who have siblings but aren't close. Having a sibling for the sake of the future is like getting a pet for your dog. :-)

There are, of course, pros and cons to both. Only you know what will work for your family. If you have another baby but it puts a strain on your marriage, that does no one any good. But your wants/needs are important as well. If the conversation doesn't tend to go well with your husband, maybe consider talking it over with a neutral party (counselor, pastor). You should feel very at peace with your decision, no matter what it is. Good luck!

I would have been okay as an only child. I wasn't and I never got along with my brother, and still don't really. We battled with the decision to have a 2nd child and although we did, and of course don't regret it, there are a lot of advantages to not having a 2nd child. Some friends of ours decided after 6 years to have another baby, and ended up with TWINS! I can't even imagine!! They were on the fence for so long too. I also have a few friends that married later in life (or still are not married) and they are perfectly happy with no kids. I guess it just depends on your situation and personality. I have a ton of hobbies, and love my personal time and time with DH. I don't need children to be happy, but I'm certainly happy that we have them. I guess my only point is don't feel like you need to have a 2nd baby out of an obligation or because that's the 'right' thing to do, or because you're afraid you'll regret it, or you're selfish not to. I think too many people have children for the wrong reasons, and I think it's just fine not to have any at all, or just to have one.

D.,
Wow, Andrea seems to be quite set in her opinions & judgements about having more than one child. And I think that as a parent of an only child we run across this a lot. People assume that you need to have siblings in order for the child to learn about sharing & getting along with others. I think people also assume that having a sibling means that the children will be there for each other throughout their lives. This is not a given though & people continually romanticize this. I find it trying to constantly run up against these assumptions. I think it is wrong too bc. if siblings were the answer to feeling more rooted in this world & being better sharers, well, humanity would be better adjusted & better at sharing. Your daughter can learn a lot about these issues as a single child from you. As a last point, single kids often have a curiosity as to what it would be like if they had a sibling. If you are still mourning not having another she may think that she missed out because you missed out & focus on that. If you don't have another, it's important to go through the grieving. I've been there myself. And then it will be easier to feel content with the gifts you do have. By the way, in my family of origin I am one of three kids & the relationship between us has been tenuous at best for most of my life.
Hope this helps,
K.

I know many only children (now adults) who are very happy well adjusted people. There is no right answer - it's what is right for your family - all three of you. I agree, you need to understand why your husband doesn't want another. Then agree together - having another child if he doesn't want to can destroy your relationship and your wonderful family. There is nothing wrong with having one child, nothing at all!!! I also agree w/ the poster who said that siblings don't always get a long... you never know what their relationship will be like. Talk with your husband and give it some time. Either way, enjoy your family.

I think that you need to talk to your husband and get the reasons that he doesn't want to have another child (if you do). Each of his concerns need to be addressed. For example - your depression, you will get a support group or help this time; breastfeeding issues - talk with a lactation consultant now about how to prevent the same issues and how to get a hold of someone when you need help.
You need to let him know your desire to have another child, if you want one, and why it is important to you.
If you are okay with having an only child, and just need to work out these feelings by talking to him, that is good too. I know plenty of people that have only children, due to medical reasons or just the fact that they only want one. I also know others that have one and want more, and the unresolved issue of this is causing problems in the marriage. Please get the issues out in the open now, before it is too late.

My husband is an only child and he sees nothing wrong with it. I have a sister 22 months younger than me and I've spent most of my life wishing I was an only child. We fought like cats and dogs and are totally happy we are living in different states. My scalp is permanently desensitized from all the hair pulls we had and I mean we pulled out hand fulls of hair all the time all ages and stages. Mom believed in letting us work out our own problems. We have one son, and he is a happy, well adjusted child. My sister has one girl, and they are happy as well. Some siblings get along well, while others never do. There is no guarantee what you will end up with. When siblings do not get along, the bickering is never ending till they grow up and move away. It makes raising kids seem twice as long. My Mom is very happy we are grown and out on our own.

to each their own. but having only one child was never an option for my husband and i, we both come from a family of five. we may not have been close to our siblings growing up, but we are now. is your husband an only child? ask him what he expects your daughter to do when the both of you are gone and she has no sibling to help her make all the decisions that will have to be made, or someone for her to lean on in tough times. and remind him that while babies are hard work, they are totally worth it. and also, just because you had post partum depression after she was born, doesn't mean you will again. i had ppd after each of my daughters were born, but not after my son. and yeah, in these times you may need to rethink your budget and cut back on things that aren't absoulutely necessary, but it's still worth it in the end. if he keeps his ground and tells you he does not want more kids, YOU have to ask yourself if YOUR ok with that. good luck ps, only children are kidding themselves when they say it was the best experience. they must have been lonely growing up without someone to play with. and yeah, sibling are going to fight together, but so do co-workers, signifigant others, and children and parents, disagreement leads to problems, but also lets you learn a little more about someone else, and in the end, to a closer bond. and while having multiple children is chaotic at times, it's also way easier, because you now know what to expect. my children are well-behaved, smart, engaging little people. and they each do their part to help with household responsibilities. i should mention they are 2, 3, and five, all born in october, with in nine days of eahcother. my two year old speaks like a three year old, my three year old speaks like a four year old, and my five year old acts like she's seven. she helps to tuck the kids in at night, and "reads" to them til their asleep, because they get scared and she wants them to fill safe. Aleady she looks out for them and they for her. hope this helps.

My husband also did not want any children, but we had our son 13.5 years ago and he is the apple of our eyes. I wanted another and hubby did not, but I was also realistic and looked at the big picture (day care expenses, time, etc.) I know that is not a reason to not have a baby, but in this day and age you need to be realistic on what is affordable to you and yours. When our son was 8 I realized I was perfectly happy with an only child and he is becoming quite the great young man.

I had post partum depression that ended in continual generalized anxiety that I still struggle with 6 years later. I wanted another but didn't think I was capable of handling it. By the time we finally tried to get pregnant again, I was perimenopausal, and the chances of genetic disorders was very high. So we opted to stick with an only. I know exactly how you feel. I was saddened by it for a long time but have finally come to terms with it. My husband, my elementary age neighbor, daughter's friends (many of her friends are onlys), both in laws and 76 year old aunt are onlys, as well as many other people I know. Most are happy being onlys, even the ones who have had to deal with aging parents and their deaths. As I watch siblings young and old, some get along great, some get along awfully, and dealing with aging parents and finances in a way that seems equitable can cause huge trouble. I think you've gotten a lot of great advice. I just wanted to add my years of observations and interviewing of onlys (and there are a ton of onlys out there), and let you know that it's not such a bad thing. You can't know ahead of time which children will be happy with siblings, and which are better off as onlys. There's a book out there that talks about all the advantages to being an only. Someone mentioned some of the statistics. My daughter is a lovely girl, we have lots of fun together and do lots of things. I don't have to worry about running out of energy and getting cranky with her. I don't have to deal with continual conflict that most siblings, even those who get along, experience. My husband and I are very quiet peace loving people, and having an only maintains that atmosphere in our house. We play a lot with our daughter, which is good for us and her. We schedule play dates and get her involved in activities. If your daughter has cousins, get her involved with them. I try to, but she only has one who lives very far away. Still, I work to keep them in touch on a regular basis. I think that ultimately happy parents raise happy children, whether it's one or more. Do what works for both you and your husband. Give yourselves time and see where it goes. Lots of people change their minds over time.

I was in your exact situation. But I was adamant that I did not want an only child. It was very important to me that DS have a sibling. How important to you is another child? It took some time and discussion but we came to an agreement -- one more child but that was it. He loves our DD and is happy with the way things worked out. If it's important to you that your child have a sibling, or important for you to have another child, then you should write down the reasons why these things are important to you and have an adult conversation with your DH about it. This is something that can really hurt your marriage or strengthen it, but it's all about how you approach it.

I want to tell you my husband and I had the same kind of situation. I got pregnant with my son who is 5 now and my husband was very adamant that we weren't having anymore kids. We would get in huge fights because I knew in my heart that I didn't want my son to be an only child because I wanted him to have a sibling to be able to grow up with and talk to. My husband would tell everyone we were only having the one and to stop bothering him about having more children. I was so sad for a long time because I couldn't convience him otherwise. Well, one day he came to me 4 1/2 years after the first one and said we could try for another but this will be it and he would be fixed after. I agreed because I wanted my oldest to have a brother or sister it didn't matter as long as he had a sibling. So hopefully one day your husbands heart will soften long enough for you to at lease have one more. Good luck!

Are you hitting a milestone birthday yourself? It's probably part that your baby is no longer a baby, but moving toward a little girl, & could be partly your age. After hubby & I decided we weren't having any more kids, I was okay on the surface but I did go through a mourning period. We've got 4, 2 from his previous marriage, so it's not the same situation but I did mourn only being 28 when we decided to not have any more kids. I suggest finding some message boards for onlies, I'm sure at least one of them has dealt with this exact thing.
Once I got past the fact that there would be no more babies, I started to really enjoy the milestones we were passing-no more bottles to wean from, no more potty training, no more lugging a diaper bag, no more double stroller taking up space in the minivan (which we graduated to with our youngest). Just because you should be grateful, doesn't mean you can't be sad about it. I had mental pictures of at least 6 kids but finances dictated otherwise for us-I told hubby that if they were coming out w/a blank check I'd keep having babies, but since they weren't...
Tell hubby how you feel. Don't say it in an accusing way "it's your fault I feel this way" but more of an "I'm really having a hard time dealing with this right now & wanted to talk it out with you" way. Write down what you're feeling sad about specifically & read it to yourself. Share it w/hubby after you rewrite it (your first draft write down every feeling-even whatever anger you're feeling toward hubby about it, your second draft write it so it's not attacking but a list of what you're feeling) if that will help you.
If you had such a hard time & baby had such a hard time, I'm guessing his feelings against having another are watching you deal with the same thing over again & worry that #2 would have the same problems.
Find a counselor if it will help you to talk it out to an outside person.
Good luck to you, I hope you're able to work through it. It took me a while-a couple of years-but I'm now able to hold somebody's baby & not desperately want one myself. I still get twinges, but I just borrow a friend's baby for the day or a few hours & usually it passes by the time I've got to hand baby back.

What about adoption? Is that an option?
I think that knowledge is power, and since you've already had one child and know that you are prone to depression issues, etc you can be more proactive in preventing them and/or recognizing them early so that you can get treatment.
I have to be honest, I feel sorry for only children. I can't imagine growing up without a sibling. I am sure only children will chime in here though to say it was great, I guess since I'm one of three I cannot speak for them.
If you really want another child, then you should seriously revisit this subject with your husband. The past will not necessarily repeat itself and it could be an excellent experience this time - esp knowing what you know now. This is not your husbands decision to make. This is a joint decision.

The only thing I would tell you is to be patient. When my daughter was 1, both my husband and I decided she would be an only child. By the time she was 2, I was thinking I wanted another, but my husband very strongly continued to feel that he just wanted the one. But by the time my daughter was 3, he had changed his mind, and decided he wanted another.

He did tell me, however, that he was going to get snipped after this baby as 2 is his limit. That was an interesting conversation!

Anyway, there is no reason to rush into another child if your husband doesn't want one. Just be patient. Maybe in time he will change his mind.

This is a tough decision.
I have two kids who are exactly 2.5 years apart. When my oldest was born, it was VERY tough on me and my husband. I had severe post-partum, breastfeeding was a HUGE struggle for the first 5 months, my son cried a lot, and our marriage felt strained. But obviously things calmed down as my son got a little older. When he was about 20 months, I felt strongly to have another. We got pregnant, and I SOBBED through my entire pregnancy....I have never been so scared in my life....because I assumed it would be the exact same way that it had been when my son was born. I was wrong. My daughter has been nothing but a joy, and the transition was so smooth. Breastfeeding was still tough, but definitely easier, and both my hubby and I were sooooo much more relaxed the 2nd time around. The best part about it is watching my two kids interact. They have this amazing bond, and watching them giggle and play together brings me more joy than ANYTHING ever has. I feel strongly that they need each other, and they will lean and rely on each other growing up in this scary world. They are still young (only 1 and 3.5), but they will go off and play together while I made dinner or clean....it has completed our family dynamics in such a great way. One kid on each lap for story time and cuddles. It's been so wonderful for us.
I just wanted to share my own experience with you. Good luck!

I feel your pain a little bit. My situation is not quite as hard as yours, but I know a little the feelings you are going through. My husband was very cooperative with our first baby, and our second was a total surprise, so he didn't have time to object, but after number two he was done! I still felt very strongly that I wanted more kids and he felt very strongly that he wanted to be done. We had a lot of arguments and a lot of tears, and eventually he decided that he would give in one more time. It was a hard road getting pregnant this time and we are now a few weeks away from expecting number three. I still am unsure if our family is complete, and would love to try for one more, but he insists, through all of our talks about it, that he just can't do it and is planning to schedule a vasectomy before this baby is born. Its upsetting to me, but I guess at some point I have to see his point of view and give in, I am lucky to be a mother of 3, almost. But its still hard. I hope it works out for you and you can find happiness in however your situation works out.

D.,

I think your situation is not terrible. It isn't unique and you've asked a forum of women that will support and comfort you!! Of course having more children would be very fun, magical, stressful and a burden. BUT, I can tell you that having an only child is terrific!! (We actually have two kids and one on the way. Ages 8, and 9 months so basically, I have two sets of kids!!)

We have completely enjoyed having a single daughter. It gave us the time to really get to know her, love her, teach her, be with her, travel with her, do fun things. More children cost more money (DAYCARE! YIKES! DIAPERS, FORMULA, you know exactly what I'm talking about. ) We've been able to go places with our older daughter that I believe that we won't be able to pull off with more kids! Snowmobiling in Yellowstone, Hawaii, California, Vegas. It helped some that my husband was a trucker and could take her with him while I worked and THEY got to go some pretty neat places, albeit without me!! :(

We have a pretty good relationship with her. She's intelligent (we've taken lots of reading time)and play time. Friends like to come over to play with her because she has cool stuff that we had the money for, and the younger siblings don't get in the way.

All that said, having more babies is stressful, and your husband carrying a lot of the weight likely has a lot to do with his not wanting more. I suggest couples counseling for that, really.

And good luck!! Kids are wonderful blessings, and so are husbands.

V.