At My Wits End with My Two Year Old, Advice Needed Please!

I would wait till she is interested on the potty training. I'd just read books about it. Point out to her when her friend is using the potty. Talk about being a big girl. When it clicks and she seems interested, then I would start a reward system (never punishment). For some kids it is a quick process and for some it is a long drawn out one with lots of accidents.

As for dumping her bowl out. I would just put her food in front of her with no bowl...the pieces of food directly on a plastic placemat. Just think of it this way...she is exploring the effects of gravity and it is interesting. I like the post below saying give her the opportunity to do this over and over with sand and water. At that age both my kids were REALLY into their water/sand table. I would ignore her antics otherwise...try to distract her to keep her eating...and not give a punishment yet. Maybe a stern, no, we don't do that. If she insists on putting everything on the floor, don't get mad...just say I guess you are not hungry and put her down till her next snack time/meal time.

We learned that at this age, rewarded behavior will increase and ignored behavior will decrease. And by "reward" I mean attention from Mommy (positive or negative), time spent with Mommy cleaning up, Mommy talking or Mommy getting upset, etc. My daughter was a world-class thrower of foods. When we got down on the floor with her and made her clean it up with our supervision, or when chaos erupted after the spaghetti landed on the wall AGAIN, or when we got angry, or when we quietly talked to her, that was rewarded behavior.

So we were taught to completely ignore it. No eye contact. Academy award winning performances by us. When the spaghetti got thrown, no one reacted, no one groaned or anything else. One of us would simply pick her up, without making eye contact, without saying a word, and would remove her from the table or the kitchen. She would be put in a safe spot (her room or bed) and then we would clean up quietly. Then she would be brought back and seated again and dinner would be served to her. And conversation would resume, about the weather, or the dog or Daddy's day at work, and my daughter would be included (to the extent she was able, even if it was just smiling at her while Daddy talked about his day).

The hard part is to consistently remember to make constant eye contact, conversation, and interaction when she was not throwing anything.

The counselor we saw (we saw a counselor because she had medical issues, but this throwing thing was not related - it was just a 2 year old's idea of fun) called it the Grocery Cart Syndrome. When you see a mom with a toddler in the grocery cart, usually when the child is quiet the mom uses that time to shop efficiently (reading labels, locating coupons, comparing prices, selecting produce) and her attention is focused on the grocery shelves and her shopping list, not the child. Then the child starts to fuss, or cry, or squirm or throw stuff. So the mother immediately turns her attention to the child. She may scold, or offer a snack, or sing or talk or comfort or cuddle or she might even all-out-lose-it and yell or slap the child's hand or leg. The counselor explained that this was the exact opposite of what should happen. The mother should be chatting happily with the child while the child is behaving nicely. She can talk about the price of tomatoes, or read a food label out loud like it's a favorite childhood book, or if it's an older child, she can say things "should we have strawberries or peaches on our ice cream tonight?" She should make eye contact and reward the child with her attention. When the fussing or crying or misbehaving starts, the mother immediately withdraws her attention. No words, no eye contact. Silence. Then the second the child becomes quiet or stops fussing, the mother resumes eye contact, a smile, a loving touch on the head. The child will realize that the reward of Mommy's looks and loving touch and voice come when seated quietly and being cooperative, and when stuff is thrown out of the grocery cart or when the screaming starts, the reward stops immediately.

So maybe this technique will help with your daughter. It sure was one of the most useful things we ever learned. Oh, and the counselor said to expect that before the child learns the new behavior, the old undesired behavior may get worse (louder and more often - the child is demonstrating that the training is becoming effective but it's not as fun as the way things use to be!). That's natural. Expect it and follow through and ride out the storm and the rewarded behavior will increase.

Back off on the potty training. They train when they want to and it's just a power struggle. In terms of dumping her bowl, I'm not sure, but I wouldn't give a bowl any more. Just a mat with finger food. I would give something equivalent to a water table to play with when it's not dinner time - let her practice dumping water from cup to cup, rice, oatmeal, whatever, so that she gets that cause and effect experimenting out of the way before mealtime. Personally, it's hard to know what's going on without observing, but I doubt she's trying to be bad. At least, she wasn't until it became a power struggle with you. Stop setting the scene for her to make bad decisions. Two is too young for the discipline you're going for.

She's 2.
The dumping thing is how they LEARN.
And she's obviously not ready for potty training.
If she dumps her food? Let her eat it from the table or meal time is over til the next snack/meal.
She's not an object, she's a person. She's learning, playing and expressing displeasure.
Fasten your seatbelt -- or it's gonna be an LONG, bumpy 18 years!

She's two. Your expectations are unreasonable. Your methods of training and discipline are not age-appropriate.

Back off and relax.

She's 2. This is really really normal stuff for a 2 year old. It's about control.

Don't put anything in a bowl. Put her milk in a tippy cup and give her dry cereal on the tray. She can eat a bit and take a drink. Problem solved.

As for potty training...I didn't even start it until the kids were 3. They just really got it much quicker. Unless your child stays dry most of the day and "HOLDS" it often she's not physically ready.

If she can't "hold it" then it does no good to try potty training because nothing will be there when she sits down. It's the same as trying to potty train an infant. They don't have the ability to not go in the diaper.

she's only 2. she's not testing your limits, she's testing the world she lives in and learning how it works. she's way too small for time-outs, and 'patting' her on the butt (patting is a gesture of affection and approval, so i assume you're actually spanking her) will simply teach her that exploring and discovering is forbidden.
don't squash your child's curiosity.
you're the mom. you can figure out ways of feeding her without giving her the option of making a mess. give her finger foods, retain the spoon yourself when eating messy foods, and reintroduce the concept of utensil feeding after the potty training is sorted out.
it sounds as if your expectations are a little out of whack for a girl so tiny. back off the potty training, and make meals more pleasant and stress-free for both of you.
khairete
S.

I agree with most of the others below who tell you to relax and keep your sense of humor.

Other than maybe age 3, it doesn't get any cuter than 2 years old. Enjoy it. When you're on your death bed, you won't be thinking about the food on the floor. And it all goes by FAST, and then your kids are gone and there you are, standing in silence and staring at your perfectly clean floor.

(Unless your cat just brought you in a rat and a lizard last night. Thanks.)

And yes, take some time off and then revisit the potty training in a few months. OR, drive yourself crazy trying to potty train her when she's not ready. Your choice.

Stay calm mama. Sounds like a typical 2 year old to me. Be firm, but do not get upset with her. I would just remove the bowl. Try to give it to her in a week or so, staying very close. When she starts to dump it, remove the bowl. Do as many times as it takes.

She is testing your limits and getting mama upset can be a delight to this age. I think she is getting way too much attention for this behavior which is causing it to persist. Be aware that you give her attention for what you want to increase, not what bothers you. Yes, negative attention IS attention and can and will reinforce the behavior.

Keep your sense of humor, parenthood can be a wonderful challenge.

Mine used to dump her food, but stopped.
She is 3 now. Refuses to potty-train, though.

2 is a hard age.

with the food if she dumps it consider her done. remove her from her seat and let her play again. (obviously offer a snack a little later). she will not let herself starve and will eventually eat what is given to her and not dump it.
as for potty training. take time off for a month or so. she doesnt seem ready for it. then revisit it again.

Give up on potty training until SHE is ready and wants to go on the potty and stop giving her bowls of food. Food can go directly on the tray until she can show she's able to eat without throwing it. If food goes on the floor at our house, then it's gone and dinner is over.

Good work trying to teach her and discipline her. 8 months is a long time to do something with all different results, and she's only 2, so cleaning up her own mess is pointless as a lesson. She can't "really" clean it all that well, and she's not logical like, "I hate cleaning messes so I better not spill this or I'll have to clean it".

And she is absolutely old enough to follow "No." My kids all learned not to throw and dump stuff at the table by age one. Kids are brilliant. You let them crawl and throw stuff and dump stuff all day, and the at the TABLE, in their high chair, they go to dump their bowl: You point at the bowl and say, "No!, Do not dump!" and calmly deliver a firm non-angry consequence if they proceed, and voila, the next time the go to dump it and you say no, they don't. It all depends on how clear and consistent you are. It's harder to nip at 2, but not impossible.

If anything at this age you are picking one of two avenues 1) wait it out with verbal guidance and make it impossible for her to spill it-like don't give her stuff in bowls at he table..or 2) Discipline her to follow very short directions like "no" pertaining to spilling and dumping things at the table, tantrums, defiance. Anything you will need her to comply with quickly to prevent bad habits from forming. Enforce when she does it if you warn her once and she still decides to do it. Be absolutely calm and consistent, so she is used to ONE warning and then a consequence, otherwise she'll train you to give her tons of warnings for everything as she gets older.

Time-out is sort of a pretend consequence in a situation like this...she's sitting comfortably at the table, you tell her not to dump her food (which she IS old enough to understand, and also smart enough to gamble for consequences), she does it anyway..so you...go remove her and make her sit comfortably somewhere else for time out? Maybe she wasn't hungry and she likes time out...or likes throwing fits in time out better than not dumping food....who knows. Time outs are more useful for older kids who need to be removed from a situation to get themselves together. They're not really an effective firm discipline measure for toddlers, especially for spirited kids.

A good guide for this CRUCIAL age (for preventing spiraling out of control 3,s 4s and 5s..) is Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. What you nip now will save you in countless headaches later.

I agree with the majority of those who posted that this is very normal 2-year-old behavior (she's learning cause and effect, etc.) and time-outs and making her clean up after herself aren't really age-appropriate. IMO, spanking never teaches anything. You've gotten some good advice about calmly ignoring the behavior and feeding her differently to minimize dumping opportunities. Giving her opportunities to dump in an appropriate context while playing is a great idea too. You don't say if she's a younger 2 or an older 2, but I would probably also agree it's time to back off on toilet training for now. I would add that it does sound like you have a spirited one. I had two of them and I highly recommend the book "Raising your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. She also wrote a book about power struggles that wasn't as well known as her spirited child book, but I found very useful.

FYI, my spirited ones were actually more challenging at age 3 than they were at age 2. The book might come in handy!

I also found that it's really useful to learn about stages of development and age-appropriate behaviors. And I learned some of this the hard way by making mistakes. For example, I used to take my 3, almost 4-year-old, and infant on "walks." The baby was in a carrier and my 3-year-old was on a small bike with training wheels. I used to get very frustrated and yes, angry, when my 3-year-old wouldn't stay on the side of the road and kept going out into the middle. It's a neighborhood so it wasn't a major thoroughfare, but it was busy enough to make it somewhat dangerous and I had to keep my eye on the situation. I eventually learned through reading or a class that I had unreasonable expectations of my 3/4-year-old and that what he was doing was perfectly normal for his age and development. In my mind, I told him to stay with me on the side of the road so that's what he should do, but it doesn't necessarily work that way in the preschool-age brain!

She's too young to get cause & effect.
Don't give her a bowl of food. Put a few pieces of cheerios or whatever
you are feeding her on a plastic plate.
Spanking doesn't fix anything.
Timeouts shouldn't be tied to food.
When you do do a a timeout it's 1 min per year of her age. So at her age
it would be 2 mins at this age. She's a bit young at this time. Works better about age 3. Set the timer.
Sounds like she's not ready for potty training. Wait on that. When they show signs of readiness...you are better off to train THEN. This way it
doesn't set them up to fail & you for an aggravation.
Be patient.
You have to realize you working with a little person that has only been on
this planet for 2 years with a young brain & doesn't get all the big concepts of life like cause & effect. It will start to get better but take a deep breath & take it easy. Hang in there. Things will get better soon!