Any Tips for Better Communication with Spouse?

never go to bed angry.

don't accuse or criticize the other person. for example, instead of "you never empty the dishwasher" say, "It would really help ME if you would empty the dishwasher tonight. Would you be able to do that?"

It's all about mutual respect, not controlling each other or trying to be right. Not trying to change one another, just expressing how you feel in a positive way.

The "Love and Logic" books for child raising are good for spouses too.

I've read a couple good books (Mars and Venus In Touch, J. Grey) (The Worlds Easiest Guide to Family Relationships by Gary Chapman) or anything by those authors. LOTS of helpful advice and when I read a paragraph to my husband He actually listens! Because it's not me telling him what to do _ It's the experts telling us how to have a better marriage and I make it clear I am trying to be a better wife not just trying to make him a better husband.

My best tip is to just let it go more. I used to be way more intense about what were really small things. I had a lot of arguments with my husband about things that really just didn't matter that much. I mean does it really matter that I'm the only one in the house that knows how to replace the toilet paper or change the garbage can liner? Sometimes I think we've heard too much about letting our needs be known and not holding things in because it's somehow going to damage us to hold anything in. Sometimes holding something in for 24 hours makes it just go away entirely. I'm much more accepting now and it hasn't resulted in high blood pressure or unexplained illnesses. It's resulted in a more peaceful environment, more positive communication and a way better chance at having productive communication about issues that really do matter. Another thing I've learned is to just do things rather than talk about things. Instead of having a conversation about how he doesn't take you out enough (which puts him on the defensive), make plans and tell him happily about the plans. Instead of having a conversation about needing to have some 'me time', just make plans and tell him about your plans in an excited way. We're so conditioned to having men be the initiator, that sometimes the conversations we want to have with them are really permission-seeking, approval-seeking conversations. This puts them in the position of having failed to initiate something that apparently we think they should have initiated causing our unhappiness. Men are much more apt to do than to analyze.

You're not asking a little question, are you? I hope you get many good responses. I'll start (if I'm the first to answer) with this one: remember that you and your spouse are a team. A marriage isn't politics, in which each side builds itself up at the expense of the other. You're on the same side. So before you sit down with your spouse, remember that you're sitting down with a teammate.

You are two people with the same ending goal... to grow old together. All communications should be for the betterment of your unit and showing appreciation to each other. Nagging and back biting, ignoring, escaping, avoiding.... you do that with enemies and people you dont like.
Talking about current events, and asking "what would you do if...?" Keeping conversations light and not dark make communication with each other more fun. Never make each other think that they have to do or be something certain in order for you to be happy .... you should never burden your life partner with something like that.
My husband loves that I touch him a lot... he says it makes him feel like I love him. It's amazing what putting your hand on his will do... Touch is a very communicative sense.

Use "I statements" as in - "I feel..." rather than "You did..."

Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt - always. Assume that they really don't remember something even though you told them 100 times. Assume they also want what's best for the family. Assume they love you even though they're screwing up.

NEVER bring up past issues that have since been resolved. Every disagreement is its own thing. So you're mad because he forgot to call before being an hour late coming home. Talk about how you are upset because you had dinner made, or worried because the weather was bad and you weren't sure if he was in an accident. DON'T say "You always do this! You're just like your mother...." Make the disagreement small and managable, because you are never going to resolve every issue in your marriage in one fight, so don't bring them all in there.

Good luck.

Sounds super cheesy, but my husband and I before bed every night, ask each other what the other is thankful for, that happend that day, or in general. It puts perspective on the fact that things could always be worse and that we have it pretty good, even when sometimes things are stressful, and seem impossible.

I also make it a point everyday, to say "I love you", and to thank him for everything that he does. Like when he takes the trash out, I tell him immediatly thank you for doing that, I really appreciate it. That makes him in a better mood because I recognized what he does, and then in turn he does the same.

Let the little things go, and pick your battles. When he does something to irritate you, think to yourself is it really that big of deal? Or am I just upset or stressed about something else?

Always, always be honest with each other.

Remember to laugh at the things you cant control.

Have fun and remember to take it easy and make time for quality time together. Live, love and laugh.

Never bring up something important you want to discuss with your husband until after he has eaten dinner.

A man with a full stomach is more likely to listen and be agreeable than one who has just walked in the door after a stressful rush hour commute, is hungry, wants to get off his work clothes and have a drink (either iced beverage or a beer), and relax a few moments. If you give him a beverage of his choice and allow him time to go change and unwind a bit then feed him dinner. He is calmer and satisfied...then will be a better listener.

I thank my husband for every little thing he does...when he does it. You would think that taking out the trash was an Olympic event the way he gets praised over me finding the trash has gone out. My sweet husband does the dishes every night after dinner and I tell him he hung the moon and stars every night on how much I appreciate his help so we can both sit down and relax sooner.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus...The Five Love Languages...His Needs, Her Needs (How to Affair Proof Your Marriage)...these are all books that really helped our marriage.

HUGS!!

I just started reading "how one of you can bring the two of you together" by Susan Page. So far I would highly recommend this book.

love and respect by emerson eggreches

Truly listen to your spouse. When they are talking, try not to let your mind waunder to what you want to say next or how you can make this person see that you are right.

When you listen, really try to understand your partner's perspective. Realize that you don't always have to be right and sometimes there is no real right or wrong; there's just two people who have different ideas who need to work it out and compromise if need be, so that they can be together.

I do believe that if each person feels as if they are being listened to and understood (not necessarily that you have to agree with them), then it is easier for them to listen to you as well and there will be less talking over each other (bickering) and one-upping each other in the hurt validation department.

It has taken me and my husband a lot of time to develop these communication skills but they work and are well worth the effort.

There's an approach called Non-Violent Communication that I have found wonderfully helpful in any "challenging communication moment" with anybody. My husband and I both use these techniques when discussing any difference of opinion, and we both love how well it smooths things out. You can google it online for basic descriptions and examples of the process, as well as sources of books or classes.

You have to elaborate more on the specific problems. General advice is not working sometimes.

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"

Seriously-two important rules: 1) no name calling 2) no character assassination

Never use the words NEVER or ALWAYS. ie. You never pick up your socks or you always forget to take out the trash. Use phrases like, it makes me feel disrespected when you leave your dirty socks laying on the floor. Instead of pointing out what he has done wrong you explain your reaction to it. Good luck.

I also have to recommend The 5 Love Languages. But I have found another book by Gary Chapman to be even more helpful - it's called "Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Got Married." It's supposed to be for folks who are dating or who are looking for a mate, but we have been married for 10 years, and it has really helped. It talks about the 5 Love Languages, but it doesn't delve so deeply and it talks about lots of other things too. I've had a lot of light bulb moments or times where I've thought "Dr. Chapman has been spying on us" while reading this book. And it's short & succinct enough that my hubby read the whole thing too without complaining. I would recommend also reading the complete 5 Love Languages book; they can really help you understand the difference between what you two are saying and what you are hearing - hint: they aren't the same!!

Good luck & God bless!

I don't necessarily do this but...

Keep the conversations (monologues) brief. Men hear more than they let on, but you can't beat them over the head with it.

Talk more slowly than you would to a female.

Good points from Julie R.

Turn the tv off.
No moving around the house(which I do because there is always something that needs done).
No kids around.

Never you accusing words like "You do this" "you don't listen", instead turn them around to things about yourself, like "I feel like you don't hear me". "You don't clean" to "I feel I am always doing the cleaning" That way no one will be on the defensive.

Well, 'better' is a relative thing.
It's one thing to wait till people unwind a bit after coming home from work/traffic, etc and another thing if there never seems to be a time when talking over issues happens.
There have been times when I was worked up over something and my husband doesn't have a clue as to why. I'll have to tell him I'm mad - not at him or over anything he has or hasn't done - I'm just mad - and telling him this makes him feel SO much better because he doesn't have to play any guessing games and he's off the hook. Sometimes he wants to hear about it (gives me a chance to vent in general) and sometimes he doesn't want to hear it (I'm more than capable of solving my own problems).
We both are not afraid to ask each other 'Why are you mad?'. Neither of us likes to play 20 questions.
Also, every so often, thank each other for all the things that you appreciate.
Whether it's paying the bills, cooking the meals, car maintenance - what ever. Show some appreciations for the every day little things that often get over looked. My husband and I both tell each other we'd be lost without the other - and it's true. It's a great feeling to be acknowledged.

Avoid words like "always" and "never".

I find talking in the car works very well. Not agruing or about extremely important issues, but general issues, like what's for dinner, or what do you want to do next weekend.

I absolutely hate when I walk in the door and hubby and kids want to talk or need my attention. I need 5 to 10 minutes to take my coat off and change my clothes.

If you need to discuss something important, get rid of all distractions; the kids are in bed or playing quietly, the tv is off, etc.