Advice Please

Bless you...doesn't sound fun. I am a step parent too and have very high expectations on how the house is treated, etc. but fortunately get the support. Before marriage, especially, ask for that backup and support. You will not change him and especially after marriage. Financially supporting you and a good person is not enough...you deserve to be put first and respected and supported...together you work, on the same page, with all of the kids. Good luck. I would just let him know how it's making you feel...without accusing and saying "you never" "you always"...good luck...if that doesn't work, you don't have to stay.

I think more than petty, jealous and impatiant you are being unrealistic. First let's think about that, why would it be petty to expect a man to parent his children and the one he chooses to live with as well as expecting all children to respect his fiance/wife? Why would you be jealous, he does not treat your son differently than his own children, he equally ignores what the children need which is structure and discipline? Impatient, you have waited from day one for him to step up without a huge confrontaton? This man has established these behaviors with his children for fifteen years. You tend to blame mom because of the way the kids behave and because you love dad, but he is just as responsible for his lazy and rude children. "They have no rules, chores or discipline at their Mom's. In our home, we all have to contribute positively." And yet later you note that they do nothing, you wait on them like hotel staff and they keep you up at night because they determine when they go to bed and whether they bathe.

I have been a stepmom for 19 years. I would have told the kid to get the hell out of my spot not waited for dad to man up because frankly after 15 years of being a parent, that obviously is not going to happen.

He is not going to change, he is not going to parent his children or yours, you are it. If you are comfortable being a single parent when you are married, then stay with him. If you do not think you can handle it no matter how much you love him you need to walk away. It is what it is.

If you decide to stay, you need to suck it up. If the kid is up till all hours with the Xbox take it away. If he takes it back, destroy it. Dad just might get involved if he sees it as a monetary thing, or maybe he will be the type of dad that will just buy him a new one and blame you for breaking the one he had rather than making the kid responsible for his choices or to require him to earn the money to replace it.

My stepson was not around very much until we got custody of him because of geography. He was not a problem until he lived with us full time. His father also traveled. When he was home he pretty much relegated me to the role of one of the kids, he didn't want to hear about it instead of recognizing that the child needed to be parented. You cannot be afraid that the children will not like you. My stepson and I argued nearly every day, normal teen stuff, put things in the laundry, don't put a dish with food on it in the dishwater, average stuff. He only threw it in my face that I was not his mom once and he is still close to me and doesn't speak to his father. I actually kicked him out about 12 years ago and that was the one time his dad backed me up, said it was up to me whether he was allowed back home. If they know you are afraid that they won't like you, etc., you are toast and will never gain any control over them. Believe it or not, many parents that have raised their kids right face the same thing during the teen years so it is not just the step-parenting and lack of discipline, it is just a hard age.

I made the mistake of believing that all of the discord with the X was because she was a bad mother, had cheated on him, etc. but you know, he was not innocent in the problems in the relaionship. Nor the dysfuncional way they interacted, and still do more than 20 years later, they cannot have a phone conversation that does not devolve into an argument. You need to give things a great deal of thought. The two year mediation was strictly her fault or are there things he won't give on either? Those boys are around quite a bit, if things never get any better than they are today, is this how you want to live for the next twelve years?

Is this also fair to your son? Even if he can intellectually grasp why you expect certain behavior of him but not of his step-siblings and also allow them to be disrespectful to you, how is he to manage all the feelings that generates? Possibly resents you, resents and/or dislikes his step-brothers, definitely resents step-dad for failing to parent and not protecting you. Might be a little full blown anger mixed in there as well, but because he is a good kid, he will sit on it because he loves you and wants you to remain with a man who obviously makes you happy.

What happens if one of the boys gets physical with you? Your son would certainly try to intervene and would you be prepared to leave or stay in a home within which now you are also physically frightened? My stepson was a very sweet young man at 11 but by the time he was 17 he was a very angry young man who threw me on the front lawn and pinned me down by my neck while my then 5 and 2-year-olds stood at the front door watching.

I tend to be a person who hopes for the best but quite often what we get is far from that and you have to consider whether you can live with the worst scenario before you get married or even remain committed living together. Do you want your son's disposition to change? He remains okay now, but continung to live in this environment will do what? Your son will be gone to college in three years, do you want home to be a haven or a place he flees?

It is very hard to combine families...Good-bye Brady Bunch and hello 'reality'.
Sounds to me like your fiance needs to be the enforcer of having the boys show respect to you, and he needs to be the one that lays down the rules of chore, etc... I realize he travels, but maybe he could work around this somehow...I don't know how. If you start this, not already having been in their lives for long-term, having earned their trust, respect and love, then you are setting yourself up for alot of grief.
I would stay 'the fiance' until the plan is in effect and working.
Take care!

what do you mean "he is still mediating a TEMP agreement with the ex for over two yrs now"? Are you saying you are living with and "engaged" to a man who is still legally married to someone else? If that is the case I'd advise you to get the heck out of there until he gets that settled. What will happen to you and your son if things go sour? you're not married and you don't work...this man has no legal obligation to you at all. I'm sorry, maybe I just don't completely get it. good luck to you.

You say he is a great father/step father, but you've described an avoider.

I love nogreaterjoy.org

You might order "responsibility" for your dh. Those boys need a MAN around.

S.

B.,

I have 3 step kids (set of twin boys 13 and a girl 12) who live in MS so they don't visit too often. My husband and my daughter (his step-daughter) have had a very trying relationship. It's been very h*** o* me being in the middle. So I understand the situation.

My advise to you is that you can't control what goes on in their mother's house. BUT when they come to your house, they have to follow your rules. You have to set the rules, lay the rules down, and enforce them since your husband isn't there all the time and and when he is he isn't much help. It's going to be an adjustment at first but eventually they'll understand and fall in line. If not, then the XBox gets taken away and whatever other discipline you see fit. It may cause tension for a minute but they are kids and that is your house. They'll get over it and they'll be alright. Just put your foot down.

I wish you the best.

Take care and God bless!

M.

Dear B.,
Good morning,and want to wish you a Happy New Years.B. until you talk to your fiancee and tell him what is happening now with no rules isn't exceptable.First of all if you love your children you will have rules for them to follow. Then get the children to gether and talk to them let them know there has to and will be changes.This behavior isn't healthy for them. Because you and I know that in the world of live we have to have rules and guide lines.Also ask you fiancee would he except this kind of behavior for your son.
Good like it's not gona be easy and may take a little bit.Also they are disrepcting you.
God Bless
J. G

Please---wake up and smell the coffee! If you think things will change later....Oh tell me you are smarter than that! Please!! And tell me, how is this behavior of his "wonderful"? Blessed to be kept up all night because he allows his son to yell all night long? Blessed because you have a mountain of laundry to do? If he doesn't demand they give you respect now do you REALLY think it will come later???
Oh, dear girl, wake up and smell ... whatever it is that you think stinks.

It's your house and you make the rules. Even if your stepchildren are there only temporarily, they still need guidelines and boundaries to follow. Decide what your boundaries are and then make house rules based on those boundaries. If everyone must take a shower every day, then so be it. If everyone must be in bed by the time you like to go to sleep, or at least be quiet, then so be it. Make sure there is a designated place for dirty clothes, or if they have to wash their clothes themselves, make sure they know that. Make your list then sit down with your fiancee and see if there is anything he completely disagrees with. If so, find a compromise to those things. Then, and only after your fiancee says he will back you on the new house rules, let your kids know what you expect. Then hold them to it with consequences. "If you make too much noise after I go to sleep, you will lose your xbox privileges for 24 hours", or whatever you think would be a good consequence.

You have been with your fiancee and in his children's lives long enough that you shouldn't need to walk on eggshells to gain their approval. You don't have to be unreasonable, but you certainly shouldn't be a pushover. Every house should have rules. Children need discipline and direction to grow up responsible adults. That's our job as parents. It may not be the popular thing, but it's the necessary thing. Your fiancee needs to realize this as well. Whenever I have a problem with how things are being handled at my house, I tell my husband that I'm unhappy with whatever the issue is and I need his help to make it better. I tell him my ideas on how to improve things and then we discuss what he thinks about it. We come to a compromise and go from there. When I see that my husband isn't living up to his word, I point it out to him, in private, and he usually apologizes and corrects his behavior. I do the same thing when he points out something I've not followed through with.

Oh, and in regards to the fact that your fiancee doesn't really do anything about your childrens' behaviors, that's probably more a "man" thing than anything else. A psychologist friend of mine told me that almost every couple that comes in for marriage counseling deals with the same types of issues. She said 80% of what they fight over will never be fully resolved because of the differences between men and women. It may have meant something to you when your fiancee didn't tell your step-son to get out of your spot, but in his brain, there was nothing to be said. If you had a problem with it, you should have said something to your step-son about it. Instead you took the passive-aggressive approach and just went off on your own, hurt that your fiancee didn't do anything about it, instead of dealing with the situation honestly. There will be things you feel strongly about that your fiancee won't and you have to be prepared to enforce those things on your own. Don't feel like you're the bad guy for doing it if it's really important to you. But don't expect your fiancee to change to your will. You can't change anyone else but yourself, and you're deluding yourself if you think you can.

Good luck! We have a blended family and I know that it can be frustrating. With love, understanding, patience, rules and boundaries, these issues can be overcome.

Blessings,
N.

Do not expect things to change. This is the way he has been and expect that this is the way it will be. This is the time period that you have to decide that "all" the aspects of a joint venture are acceptable. If you can accept the way things are now, and expect that it will not change, then great...this is going to be your life...if you feel this has a negative impact on you or your son, then their can certainly be "deal breakers". Just because he is kind and a wonderful man doesn't man doesn't cover all the huge dynamics that go into marriage and a blended family. Your home life and the other kids will impact your son so much, you have to seriuosly consider how this will impact your son. If you two can not come together on how to raise the children in a manner that is agreeable for both before your married, don't expect it to change. Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you are meant to be married. Seek some good counsel from the solid stable women around you. Those that support good choices not just hoping you will get married. You also may want to pursue a church or pastor's guidance. Marriage and blended families are the hardest thing to work on...as many will attest. While the majority of marriages end in divorce, even more 2nd marriages end because of the dynamics with kids. Walk carefully, pray for wisdom, and I hope you have the courage to make the tough choices for you and your son. Liz

Hi B., my advice for you is to start the next visitation period with a total take charge attitude. I would even go so far as to write down and go over family rules with them along with a consequence you know you can stick to. At this age becoming "unplugged" is the ultimate punishment. (unplugged is nothing electronic, no cell phone, no tv, no video games, etc) You can even let them help you decide rules and appropriate punishments. I suggest writing them down and hanging them up so that you can all look at them when you need to.

I realize that you aren't their parent, but it seems to me they need one and you have volunteered to be part of their life so be one. Let them know that this is YOUR home and YOUR rules. It takes a whole family to use and mess up a house and it takes a whole family to clean one and keep it running. Showers are necessary for staying healthy, they are not an option. At least 9 hours of sleep a night are suggested for kids this age so give them a bed time.

Along with punishments, you also need to have rewards. If everyone helps out, pitches in, gets plenty of sleep, and is respectful possibly you can give them one night to rent movies, games, have friends over, and stay up late. If one person doesn't get their stuff done that week they will have to miss out on all the fun. I promise it will only take once... they will figure out you are serious and they will want to join in on the fun night! On the same note, when everyone is helping out and acting respectful you need to show them how much you appreciate it, a smile, pat on the back, or joining in on a video game for a few minutes will mean the world to them.

One last suggestion, I think when a kid is punished for not doing something correctly they should be given the opportunity to earn their privileges back. I think the earning back chore needs to be twice as hard and time consuming as the first so they won't use this as a cop out, but I do think they should be allowed to correct their mistakes.

I agree that it is your home and you need to have rules for everyone. I think though maybe your fiance and you should get together first and figure out what it is you expect from each other and what you expect from all the children. Given the ages of the children, I think just approaching them with a bunch of new rules may back fire and cause more problems. I would suggest after you meet with your fiance and establish what you want, you should have a family meeting and allow the kids to "help" make the new rules. When my friend was 15 she had a lot of problems with her mom and stepdad. The did this and then entered into a contract, a literal contract where they all signed. If she lived up to her end of the contract, she got extra privileges, an extra hour on her curfew, etc. If she did not, she had privileges taken away, phone, etc. It worked well, and by coming together they were able to talk about what is expected and she felt part of the process. Everything was outlined in the contract that they all signed, so there was no miscommunication. There just seems to be a lack of communication in this relationship between everyone. Maybe some counseling will help. The kids may react differently to an outsider offering up behavioral changes. For starters though, I would take the Xbox to bed with me.

I didn't completely read all the responses so forgive me if I repeat, and I'm no expert so these are just my humble opinions based on the info you've given.

It sounds like the relationship is good, it's just the parenting of the step-children. I don't have boys and I don't have teenagers, but I strongly believe all kids need limits and as a matter of fact, I think it is extrememly harmful to them to not give them limits. You ARE the boys parent in just about every respect, especially if you are there with them while their dad travels. Set limits and don't back down. At their ages, there are some things that you cannot physically force them to do (like shower) but you can put consequences in place. Actually, I strongly suggest the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend.

I do think you should sit down with your fiance, but I think you should come up with a plan before you do. Then sit down with him and ask for suggestions and changes. Be honest about the way you are feeling and tell him that something has to change soon, and here is what you think may help, then ask him for help but tell him you unless he has a better idea this is what's going to happen (nicely of course). Write it down so you can go back to it later. That way after you talk you have an action plan in place. Then, make sure you follow through. Maybe you don't set a bed time, but the XBOX, DVD player, etc gets unplugged and locked in your room at say 10pm. And breakfast is at 8 a.m (or whenever) and if you don't wake up for breakfast you go hungry until lunch, no snacks or getting something later. Give them an extra half hour (or hour, or whatever) to play if they take a shower. Make it worth doing the things they should be doing. If they get into your spot, turn the tv off until they move. If they keep you up all night by being loud, go clean their room at 6 am, vaccuum, make all the noise you can, make them get out of bed so you can change their sheets and in general just wake them up without actually making them get up (h*** o* you maybe but it would get the point across without looking too petty like my first thought of banging pots in their room). You are the adult. It sounds like they are testing you in a big way, and even though it might be a battle at first I think they'll come to love you for it. Maybe even make one small change at a time and once that is working try something new. I'm sure your fiance is a good man and a good father. If I had to guess, it sounds like he isn't diciplining the boys because he feels guilty about the divorce (I've seen it with my aunt and uncle and it does not end pretty).

Whatever happens, good luck, I hope I didn't offend. Keep us posted on how things work out.

Run Forest! No, really, you'd better get used to this, or get out of there. What is this doing to your son, who should be your prime concern? Either get some backbone and set some limits or roll over and play dead. Those boys and their dad will not change, so you'll need to take it like it comes or take care of yourself and your son, you choose.

Hi B., I'm sorry the man I heard discribed wasn't a great Dad. He should be a help mate to you, a co-parent and an example for those boys, yours and his. He should be stepping up a father and teaching them to respect you but sounds like he doesn't respect himself enough to get their respect even for himself. I would try talking to him about the problems and if that doesn't help maybe you should consider talking to their Mother. Maybe that's all their 3 boys know. A lot of parents just co-excist and not parent and some feel if the just let them do their own thing then they don't have to face confrentation and it's less stressful that way. You just need to start talking to the parents and then you should all talk to the boys. I've been married 4 times and trust me when I say you can't do it alone & you can't Parent some one elses children without them involved.
You parents all have to have the same rules and the same punishments or it will only cause more rebelion from the boys. And they may be testing you to push you away. Kids do that as you know. Anyway you go, you seek God's help and let him lead you I'm sure if you truly Love each other things can be worked out.
God bless you all.

Please DO NOT consider getting married until this issue with his sons is resolved! This is touchy because you don't want to make him defensive about his sons, but he does need to know there has to be house rules. Since this is a new year you might approach it as making positive changes for the household which would also include yourself and your son (I'm sure you can think of one or two things to change), that way he can hear what your saying.

I wish you luck!

I think no matter what our households are made up of we share similar issues. I don't know how the kids pay for stuff, but maybe an allowance system would work? I think what you expect from your son you should expect from his kids. I think most households when it comes to kids and the house are run by the woman of the house. If your man is wonderful in other ways and has no problem with you setting up some structure, then start working it. If you feel a weekly meeting with the whole family say every Thursday to discuss your issue of the week and let them share what they want may help. This meeting does not have to be all about discipline/chores, but could also be to discuss what activities are going. Maybe you can get everyone out to play a game a basketball for example. Get to know each other better with activites outside of the house? I think as you gain control of the household the kids will learn to respect you. You have everyone's best interest at heart. I don't have your additional challenges and I sometimes struggle too. Best Wishes!