Hi Everyone!
My 4-year old daughter started preschool two months ago, 3 days a week from 8-12pm. This was the first time she had ever been separated from me, so I was expecting it to be hard for her. She would cry when I dropped her off and say things like, "Please don't leave me Mama," and a few times during school, but in general was doing well and seemed to be enjoying it. She would talk about school, her friends, her teachers, at home all the time.
She always cries when I drop her off, but eventually calms down. A few weeks ago, however, she cried the entire time she was there and much of it was hysterical crying. She did have a cold, so I don't know if this was the reason. Nothing else had changed, except that her father had been away more than usual for work.
Today was her first day back after vacation and she was clinging on to me and crying again at drop-off. She keeps emphasizing how much she misses me and how she doesn't want me to leave and asking me if I'm going to come pick her up. Does this all sound like normal adjustment behavior? Is two months a normal time for this to still be going on? Will she ever become adjusted?
The school and teachers are great (I used to teach there) and she knows that she has to go to school. I try to talk to her about it and her feelings, but she doesn't say much, just that she misses me. I'd just love to hear others experiences. She does have a younger sibling who is at home with me, so I don't know if that makes it harder for her. The teachers were only concerned a few weeks ago when she cried the entire time--otherwise they haven't said anything.
Thanks!
Get the book "The Kissing Hand" It will help. It's about a baby racoon who is afraid to leave his mother and go to school. I read it to my granddaughter who had to be hospitalized and was very scared. It really helped her be able to deal with being away from family in an unfamiliar setting.
The more you focus on this the more she will keep doing it. Don't discuss it with her, don't talk to her about her feelings, don't talk about it at all. If she asks a question then answer it in a short to the point way. Like "Mommy, will you be there when I get out of school?" "Yes, I will be there".
She is getting attention and one on one time with you by continuing this behavior. When you take her leave her at the door and don't show her any attention once you hand her over to the teacher. Just turn around and walk away, don't look back to wave or anything. If she's crying just say bye and go.
It's harder on you than on her. If you give her an inch she'll cry for another week.
100% normal.
And expect to revisit this behavior after every holiday break or family vacation that you take.
It'll get better after a couple of weeks.
My son does the exact same thing. Hysterical crying, clinging to me, begging, etc.. It breaks your heart, but then generally, they're fine after a bit. Does she take a "lovie" to school with her? DS takes his blankie. Typically it's cast aside on the floor 2 minutes after I walk out the door, but it gets him through the hand off nicely.
Part of me says normal, but it's going on for a while. You say she knows she has to go to school. I ask why, if she is unhappy. She will be in school the rest of her life. I think only you can decide. If she cries for two minutes and then is happy ok. If she is unhappy the whole time, you have to ask yourself if it is worth it.
Hi R.,
our first child especially had a hard time getting used to going to school. It took so much energy from his father and me, it was a very hard time. Part of it was that i was also ambivalent with the school, i think today. Anyway, he never loved it there, but he did adjust, it took a lot longer than two months, though.
Here are a few things that temporarily helped:
* the picture book "The kissing hand" about a little raccoon being scared to leave for school. To this day we give kissing hands, if a parting is hard.
* a good luck token (we made a small wooden bear) with a picture of me and his little sister glued to it (he picked the photo, and he used to have the bear in his pocket).
* being understanding how hard this is, without dramatising it or making it bigger (sound easy, huh ;-) -- When i noticed that our son was getting worn out through the week, i would sometimes ask him if he would like a day off (if i was able to organise it), and then i would give him a day off, and we would stay home together. I did not offer that in the morning for the same say, but rather i would say: "i can see this is really hard to go to school today. But today we need you to go, because we want to work. I can make time tomorrow, and you can have a day off tomorrow (or whenever other day). Would you like that?"
* A clear, loving, unhurried but brief good-bye ritual. My daughter loves to give a kiss and then run to her school window. I stop outside and we blow another kiss and smile and wave, and off i go. When they cling i gently make us follow the good bye routine, and try not to make it harder for anyone by lingering ambiguously. Good teachers are helpful here.
Lot's of people wanted me to see his difficulties as a battle of powers. But i do not think it was. Luckily his father and i agreed on that. To this day my son likes a lot of down time, and time by himself. Though he loves his school! He runs right in. We did pick the school carefully.
Good luck! This is not easy! Be easy on your daughter and yourself!
D.
My children cried when I picked them up because they did not want to leave school-ouch!
It seems odd that you ask if she will ever adjust-it makes it sound like you don't believe that that is possible; when you must know that it is bound to happen sometime before she graduates from high school. She must be getting a strange vibe from you or taking some cue from you. Keep telling her that you will be back-just like everyday, and what time that will be. She will begin to understand the concept of time and that she can always depend on you. Good luck!
It's pretty typical but kids are "ready" at different times. Maybe you would want to keep her home another year?? The younger sibling at home probably does make it harder. Maybe you could have a special tradition with her now that she's "so big". Like perhaps taking her with you on Saturday a.m. for a donut, just you and her? Just something special that would set her apart...
The teachers at our preschool say that it takes a couple of months for many kids to stop crying, something you may have experienced with your own classes. I would read her The Kissing Hand and continue to be upbeat and short when dropping her off. Rather than talk about how she might be sad, gush over the things she did and how "big girls get to do x" and that's so exciting! DD loves to tell me all about her day. I think that the time spent on vacation might have been a minor setback, but I wouldn't worry too much.
I guess I would ask, is this Pre-school experience worth it? If you're at home with your other child anyway, if the pre-school is only 3 days a week for a few hours - is it worth the stress, the tears?
Maybe your daughter is just not ready yet - for whatever reason. Is that so terrible? I would keep her at home. I wouldn't make a big deal of her not going to pre-school. I would just say you changed your mind about her going to school right now. I wouldn't make her feel badly about it, or even mention "missing Mommy". I would try again in September. It's amazing how much a four year old matures over a summer.
Good Luck
T. Y
SAHM of 5 (12, 11, 5, 3 & 1)
Aw love your way. Yes it can be “typical” behavior, and yes she could be feeding off your feelings too. Remember that kids need consistency and if you took her out for “vacation” this could be very confusing for her. Routine is key at age. Depending on her birthday you might be able to get away with keeping her out another year but don’t forget the message you are going to send her if this is the route you take. Personally I notice that my son is like this ONLY when I drop him off and not with my husband so if this is an option for you I would try it.
