8 Yr Old Scared of Everything.

It's actually very normal for kids to become more timid and unsure as they get older. Very small children have a limited idea of what kind of "bad things" might happen to them. The worst thing they can imagine is usually something that happened to them - another child taking away a toy - or fear of being separated from Mom and Dad. When they get older, a whole new range of fears is possible. What if other kids don't like me? What if they make fun of my clothes? What if I spill something and everyone laughs? Add that to the anxiety they sense and hear from adults every day, and the world can be scary. What does "economic downturn" mean? What if we have to move? What if there's no presents at Christmas? Then there's the loud adult voices arguing about war, health care reform, elected officials and other things they don't understand. Then there's the things they, unfortunately, DO understand - shootings at Fort Hood, a serial killer in Ohio, missing children (including a 5 year old whose mother was just charged with human trafficking and child prostitution!) Being cautious seems like the safest thing to be.

All this means that you need to spend MORE time pointing out the good in the world and in her life. Be very, loudly and outwardly grateful for family, food, jobs, clothes, a place to live, and don't add any "buts" on the end (as in, "I like my job, but..." or, "I love Grandma, but...") Praise her, realistically, when she masters new skills. When you have to talk about things like "stranger danger," emphasize that she has the skills and ability to keep herself safe. At the same time, tell her that people who have bad things happen to them don't deserve it. She's too young to truly comprehend the idea of random violence; telling her things like, "Noone can really prevent these things," or, "It could happen to anyone," will make her feel very unsafe and unsure.

Also be aware that if you put too much emphasis on changing her thoughts or behavior she'll think, "What's wrong with me?" or decide that you'll only love her if she behaves a certain way. Make sure she knows that real love is unconditional, and there's nothing "wrong" with her.

I'm not sure if this helps, but hang in there! :) All things pass in time.

Well I have not read any books on this, but being only eighteen, I still remember those days. When I was younger I was afraid of the dark, I always hid behind someones legs, never wanted to be alone or with people I did not know. But my aunt started bringing me to the neighborhood playground, and a local playground, where alot of local events happened, even brought me to Va Beach, and would play with me for a while then would get "tired" and told me to go play with the other kids. Yeah, at first I was intimidated, and did not play with anyone, but I did play by my self, and other kids came up to me and asked to play. Eventually I got over it, and sometimes in todays life, I do still get a little intimidated at times, and my shyness does come back sometimes, but for the most part, I am an outgoing individual, fun to be around. ((Also a little secret, I am not sure, but I think my past being like that helped keep me away from drugs and alcohol. ;D ))

So I guess just remind her it is okay to be a little independent, show her it's okay, that she does not have to be intimidated but if she is not ready, just take it a step at a time. :)

Hi Suz,

If your daughter was naturally and outgoing, and has suddenly changed to fearful and intimidated, I would be very concerned. We just thought our son was reacting to new baby and a move. Years later we discovered that he had been molested. A child who has been molested becomes withdrawn and fearful!

I'm not saying your child was molested, but that is something you may want to investigate, for your daughter's protection and mental health.

A.

Here is an interesting link, on "fears" in children:
http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/schoolaged/fears.html

Since this seems a departure from her "usual" self when she was younger (although it is a long time ago from 2 to 8 years old).. did anything happen to her that would cause her to be fearful recently? Is she perhaps being teased at school or bullied?
Or sometimes it can be an 'anxiety' problem...
Was it a gradual change in her demeanor or a sudden change?

Or, it could be just normal fears that an 8 year old has. My daughter is 7 years old, very lively and independent and social and confident. BUT... she too gets "afraid" of being in the dark by herself before she has a chance to turn on the light, for example. She does not like to be "alone" in a room herself... especially if at night. It doesn't mean she's a "wimp" but it is just a NORMAL childhood fear phase. I remember being that age and older, and having the same fears and worries. I outgrew it in time, as does most kids.

There is a book series for girls this age called the "American Girl" books. You can get it from www.amazon.com or any bookstore. Its a series that covers all sorts of concerns for girls this age. It is written in age appropriate language and "fun" to read for this age. AND, it is also written so a girl can talk about it WITH Mom, too.

One thing is to simply talk with her openly... letting her just talk, not correcting her or judging her or telling her how to think... just letting her be and talk stream of thought sort of thing. Letting her be herself. Just ask her if she has a reason for being so fearful and afraid? Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't.

And yes, as a Mom, we sometimes "displace" our own hang-ups onto our kids, even if we try not too, or we blame ourselves. So, at least you are aware of that. But... "independence" in a child is like a sock that still has to be grown INTO. It can't happen overnight, and it won't happen unless the child is ready for it... but surely, as we ourselves encourage them in their interests and ideas and their own thoughts and talents... then a child naturally becomes more independent and sure of themselves. It takes practice.
Or, maybe she is just going through a phase.

But either way, the best thing is to keep an open communication with your child... so they know they can say their feelings openly and not be self-conscious.
As her Mom, just be there for her. Most kids need that very much... for my girl, she just LOVES when the both of us just sit cozily and talk story... that is how my girl bonds, and then she gets an extra spring in her step after that, and it gives her an extra boost.
But if I were to tell my daughter "just be more independent..." she'd just tune me out or feel hurt. As would most kids.

Perhaps, even ask your Pediatrician for some tips or ideas about this?

All the best,
Susan

Hi Suz,

Before you can solve this, you need to get a better understanding of what is going on for your daughter. The only way to do this is to communicate with her. This can be tricky because you certainly don't want to push her, if she's not ready.

First, make sure to validate her feelings. Let her know that you understand that she's afraid. Let her know that it is OK to feel afraid. Reassure her that she is safe and that you are there for her. Second, gently encourage her to open up. Be prepared, though, to back off if she is not yet ready to open up. This can even be done by drawing pictures of playing with dolls. Try to help her identify what it is that is frightening her. Once you get to this point, you will be able to work with her to find a solution.

If I can be of any further assistance, feel free to contact me. www.GilaBrown.com
Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator

Hi Suz,
I am very happy to recommend you the book 'easy to love, difficult to discipline'. It is a lot to take in, but it gives very valuable hints for family relationships in general - no matter what age. You can find out how lovingly support your daughter and give her self confidence. Maybe you can start by lending it from a library, otherwise you can order it on Amazon new or used.
I bought it for my son who is 2 1/2 years old but found out that a lot of the advice I can also use on my relationship with my husband - keyword: the change is in ourselves. All the best

I don't know about the books to read, but have you thought about enrolling her in a self defense class or joining Girl Scouts? My daughter is shy around adults so she started Girl Scouts just this fall. Independence and self esteem are things they will be working on. Just a thought!

Good luck!
J.

Mother of 10 year old daughter and 5 year old boy.