5 Year Old Attitude - Frustrating!!!

Ignore it but dicipline her for not completing the tasks if she hasnt. Eye rolls can go on for YEARS.... you must learn to ignore those and just bust her for what she isn't doing when you've asked her to do it. Giving her attention for her expressions only creates more expressions.

I don't have an answer for you but am in the exact same boat with my son who will 6 in May. I have at my wits end so it was so nice to hear others experience the same thing and know it's not just me.

Oh yes. We live in the same world. It's so much fun, isn't it? Just this morning, my husband threatened to send her to college at Siberia State (haha).

We do two things. 1 - she gets sent to her room when she's being rude. She _hates_ being more than two feet from other people, so it's a big punishment. 2 - we have logical consequences and follow through. So I'll say "we're leaving in 2 minutes and if you don't have your coat on you're going to be cold." And then we leave. Or "you brush your hair right now or I'm going to do it."

Honestly, though, I think a lot of it is developmental. They really can't hear how they sound to other people. That doesn't mean it's acceptable, it just means that it's a long, slow, painful process to get her to change. Drinking helps : )

Good luck.

Question, do you give in to fast with your punishments?? My daughter used to test my limits and I ended up telling her that if she continues to be like a baby instead of the big girl that I know her to be that I will clean out her room of toys and leave the bed and dresser in there. She tested me again and I did exactly that and cleaned out her room by placing all her toys in the basement. I told her that until she gets the point they stay down there. With my son he did the same thing at his age but actually laughed at me while I placed his toys in the basement. I ended up telling him I would throw his toys in the garbage once... and I did follow through with it and he then got the hint not to push my buttons that far again.

DVMMOM's book suggestion (one of my all-time favorites) is great, as is Grandma T's-- as much as possible, just ignore it.

This is what is categorically described as "self-indulgent" behavior. There's another great book called "Taking Charge: A Guide to Loving Discipline for Parents and Teachers" by JoAnn Nordling, and this book teaches parents how to identify different kinds of behaviors (positive, negative, neutral) and gives some wise advice on choosing what to address and what to ignore. When the child is ultimately complying with the adult request, just kvetching as they do it (which sounds like your description, to me) our best response is to give it zero attention. I read this book at the request of a family I worked with, as their child's preschool teachers suggested it to families. I now recommend it to my own preschool families.

Getting it to stop-- not so easy. I wish there were sometimes a magic "Mrs PiggleWiggle way" of getting children to curb their less desirable qualities, don't you? (Could we just spend a few days doing just as they do, whining and griping about every little thing, so as to convince the child how un-lovely this behavior is?!) I do believe that just as we are entitled to express our disappointment to others, so are our kids. We just hopefully have more finesse, and can model better coping skills by constructively verbalizing our own frustrated feelings without a lot of drama either. Good luck!

Also: for the things she regularly needs to do (daily jobs like making her bed, homework, self-care/hygiene),you can make a checklist chart with pictures that she can go through each day. Have it laminated at your local copy shop (or use clear contact paper, which is self-adhesive) and let her check the list off daily with a dry-erase pen. Keep referring her to her list, instead of telling her what needs to be done. Might help. I'm making a visual list to send home with my preschoolers to help them dress appropriately for the weather for schooltime; I'm hoping it will take some pressure/stress off the moms during their morning getting-dressed transition, and eliminate arguments by giving the kids a visual reference. Worth a try.

H.

I remember thinking when my daughter was five if I don't teach her I am in charge now, I will be in so much trouble when she is a teen. My daughter is now 17! Part of it is age. She is testing the limits. You need to hold your boundaries. Kids do better when they know where the boundaries are and they push against them. So consistency is key. It's frustrating! Sounds like you are doing the right things, if you are consistent. Sometimes I would rephrase what she said in an acceptable form. Many times they really don't understand how it sounds.
My daughter plays soccer. It's so comforting to hear other mothers on the sideline talk about the poor way their daughters talk to them. I am always being told how polite and nice my daughter is. I often think they must have her confused with someone else. At lot of this is the age, but we still need to call them on their poor behavior. I read somewhere if you get compliaments on your child's behavior it means they have absorbed your teachings. Your the safe person for them to act out against. Sucks! I tease my daughter that I am going to live with her and laugh when her children do things. Her children will be asking why is Grandma always laughing! Keep up the good work. You are not alone.
I don't think it's the TV. I think girls are being raised to be able to speak their mind. Which is good, but that means you actually hear what's on their mind. In previous generations girls were taught to keep her mouth
shut. Very few things are all good or all bad.

This is a glimpse of your future with a teenager so how you handle things now will help you in the future. That being said kids test and push limits is doing what is asked even with the attitude? Does she actually disobey or merrily annoying you with her responses ? I would try just give the request and if she does what is requested with eye rolling and growling let it go. If she does not do what is asked then try the opposite earn tv time, earn pebbles in a jar and when filled go do something together ie trip to library, ice cream treat out, sledding at a big hill. Reward the good behavior . Good Luck
J. O
mom to six

Here's another recommendation for "How to talk so kids will listen", and the Love and Logic series.

My daughter turned 5 in Sept... and I completely understand your frustration!! My daughter is like that too and sometimes will even melt down into a crying yelling fit because she thinks I am not listening to her. When she calms or stops her ranting, we sit down and talk about how her acting and talking that way is not ok and she needs to work on it.

Other than that, I don't really know what to do either - but I hope she grows out of it soon!

I'd have to say it's the age group and I'm hoping it's just a phase. My 4 and 1/2 yr is just starting to attempt the eye roll. She knows for certain we do not tolerate tantrums or disrespect. I wouldn't contribute my daughters bad attitudes to tv only because we limit the amount of tv time and it is only things like Handy Manny, Mickey Mouse Club, Dora..etc. Hubby and I dvr news or shows that we might like to watch and only watch after the kids are in bed. Just today in the grocery store she had a meltdown and started throwing a tantrum because after repeatedly telling her to stop leaning over in her seat trying to reach the shelves I had my hubby buckle her in. She hates being buckled. Hence the meltdown. I switched carts with hubby and as I did she started screaming and kicking her legs around. I pushed the cart away from me and said "Madison Lyn we do not tolerate this behaviour at home and we will not tolerate it here. We will walk away from you should you choose to continue your tantrum just like we walk away from you home. It's your choice. Is this acceptable? Are you being a responsible member of our family? We all have responsibilities to each other as a family and your job is to treat us as you would like to be treated, listen when instructed to do something and be respectful to all of us. Now close you mouth and open your ears and really hear what Mommy is saying. Is this how you want our day to go or would you like a Do Over?" She immediately stopped crying, said she was sorry and requested a Do Over. A gentlemen in the aisle actually asked me if I was a teacher because I sounded like a teacher...lol. I said nope, I'm a Mom with a strong willed daughter and laughed. When she's acting up I tell her this is your choice you can either go sit on your bed and have a tantrum by yourself or you can think about a better way to express yourself and I will give you 1 chance to handle yourself better. I've coined the phrase "do over." 9 out of 10 times she chooses to do over and make a better choice so as to enjoy our day. It's a lot less stressful on us and I'm not yelling or playing into that behavior. A valuable lesson her DR told us when she hit the terrible two's. Just put her in a safe area, like her bedroom and walk away. Do not engage or enable the behavior at all. That only encourages them to do it more. If they see you are not engaging they will stop.

After I have finished chuckling to myself, all I can say, is that it doesn't just happen with girls! My son is going to be 6 next week - how time flies! He has some of these traits so I'm guessing to some extent it is a phase related to their age. I think we have to stand strong, and nip this in the bud before it becomes their norm. I admit to watching Supernanny but not religiously, so I follow the approach of "time outs" and consequences for their actions or "no actions" too! I do count sometimes in order for him to move faster or as fast as I would like him too - and that is usually enough for my guy. When things are calm, and we aren't in a hurry, we also have one on one talks about respect, attitude, consequences for your actions and just try to talk in general about life. Good luck, I'm sure others will have some great tips for you ... and I will look forward to reading some ideas for our family too.

I believe you will love the amazing little book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The book is loaded with real-life examples of how parents made a positive, empathetic connection with their children, while making their own needs and requirements clear. By the time you finish each chapter, you'll be equipped to put the lessons to work in your own family. I can't recommend this gem highly enough.

Power struggle!!!!!

Stop reacting.

She is doing this to get a reaction out of you. Instead with no reaction (I know how hard it is, I had one too.) turn your back on her. If necessary walk out of the room, house, into a room you can lock her out of (the bathroom--my daughter at three banged on the door), into the car (put a good book in there) and turn up the radio. The important thing is to remain calm. Go outside, lock the door and scream if you have to. But in front of her--remain calm.

She wants a reaction out of you--to be mad, to be involved in her temper tantrum. Instead tell her as soon as you calm down I will talk to you--I will be involved, then turn your back, walk out, etc. At first she will be worse--the temper will flare and you will be really in for it. But be calm. Get your husband on the same game plan.

And if she doesn't finish the homework, let her face the consequences with the teacher. It is her responsibility, and should be her consequence. Let her learn that lesson now. Don't fight with her about it.

I encourage you to check out the "Love and Logic" parenting books, videos and/or classes. The methods they teach will help you - not only with this issue of a bad attitude, but with the majority of the parenting issues you'll face while raising children. The method stresses having children experience the natural consequences of their actions. These consequences are enforced with empathy. Using this method will lessen conflict and improve your relationships.

Tell her once or twice and if she doesn't do it let it go. Let her determine how the people will react when she goes to kindergarten with hair messy or in her pajamas. She will learn really fast that once you say something ONCE you will stick to your guns and let her go out the way she is and stick to it. Take her to school screaming if you have to just to let her know it was HER choice to go like that and she is old enough to make that choice.

Same with homework and let her teacher know this is what will happen so she can reinforce at school what is happening at home.

You will be surprised how that works!!!!
Motherhood is sometimes "tough love".

N.

Try a positive points system. We praise the good moments a ton and give points when our daughter does things without an attitude. It works! Then after X amount of points she gets a little something. Either an activity or small toy. It has done wonders for our family. We still have off days, but many less that before. Our consequences seemed to have negative effects on her!

My daughter is only 3 but here are some of my thoughts:

I would wonder where she is picking up this behavior - my feeling is they have to learn it from somewhere, and I would be paying attention to what she is watching on TV. A lot of shows meant for tweens and teens may be technically G-rated, but can still how kids behaving like brats. I would even try to be aware of your own behavior and could she be somehow picking it up from you. Not blaming you in any way, just sometimes parents can be doing things and not even be aware that their kids are picking up on it (my husband's ex is like this). Does she have older sisters or cousins or friends from school that behave this way?

I would make sure she is aware of the specific behaviors you have an issue with - demonstrate them, if need be. Make a list and post it. And let her know that if they continue, there will be consequences. You might want to consider taking EVERYTHING out of her room except her bed and whatever clothes she needs for the day. Toys, TV, whatever. She needs to earn them back by demonstrating a better attitude. Another thought is to keep a sticker chart - good behavior earns smiley faces or stars and when she reaches a certain amount, she gets a special reward (a movie, rollerskating, whatever). Bad behavior earns her a frowny face and too many will mean a consequence of some kind.

I also like the idea of telling them, "Since you are choosing to do X, then you are choosing Y." Make her understand that she is choosing the consequences by choosing to act this way. "Because you are choosing to talk back, you are choosing not to have TV the rest of the day." "Because you are choosing to not cooperate, you are choosing not to have a play date with your friend." And stick with it - don't back down!

There is also a great book out there called "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How To Listen So Your Kids Will Talk." Check it out, and see if there is anything in there that will help you to communicate with your daughter better and hopefully get you guys on the same page. One of the things I like about it is it can get kids thinking about their behavior and how it's a problem, but also what solutions they themselves can come up with - making them take responsibility for their own actions and decisions.

I posted something similar about my 9 year old daughter. I am curious to see what people come up with.