I have a 19 month old son. He has always been a very picky eater, so, that's now new, but, as of late, he seems to be going through this phase where he will refuse to eat at meals. It's not that he's not hungry or that he's sick. I think it's more of a control issue. He seems to be using his "power to say no." If I sit him at the table and put his food in front of him, he may eat a few mouthfulls and, then, soon after, he will announce that he wants to get "down!" and all eating pretty much stops. We tell him to sit, that he has to sit at the table, that he is "done" if he leaves the table. He doesn't care. He just wants "down". Or, sometimes, I will put him in his seat and he will look at his food and just say, "no." I know this is a power struggle, but, I am not sure how to handle it. I don't want him to not eat, so, there have been times when I have let him eat at his table in the living room (he has a table and chairs in there). Anyhow, does anyone have any advice or has your child done this too? I remember his ped saying that kids this age will often go through a stage where they will refuse meals, or, want them on their terms. He said it's a normal developmental stage and that toddlers will often go through it as their way of controlling a situation. I'm just wondering if anyone has any ideas on how to deal with it.
I too agree with most of the advice already given. Don't give in! Keep him at the table & not in the living room. I also just read a book- Negotiation Generation. Don't negotiate! If you set the rules, he will learn to follow- but if you teach him he can get away with not following, that's what he will do with everything else on down the line. Good luck!
I've been in this situation, and mine, got worse. My advice is this: make him sit with you at the table, and offer a few choices from what you're having. If he chooses not to eat, don't make a scene about it, but don't feed him later when he's hungry either. Most children will come out of it on their own as long as you're firm on the rule that if they don't eat at mealtime, they don't eat until the next one.
Here's where it went wrong for me. I'm living with relatives, who come from a more "old school" approach to parenting. They felt I was being cruel, and behind my back would give him whatever he wanted later in the night. Now he's 4, And can and will choose not to eat a single thing for as long as 36 hours (which is as long as I've ever let it go on), unless it's what he wants to eat. His doctor advised me, in this situation, to just give him a vitamin everyday and make sure he eats something, keep offering good foods etc... but if you can avoid this, please god do. It's frustrating beyond belief, and now that it's too late, even my relatives agree it was a mistake to give in and feed him later in the evening.
Hello M., The power struggle is the issue here, so now you need to take back the control. Offer him food, and let him chose to eat or not. If he does, give him a treat afterward. If he does not eat, simply clear the table. Nothing should be given until the next meal. Repeat. Sooner or later he will get hungry enough to eat, and the power struggle no longer exists. Problem solved. As our Dr. said, he has never seen or heard of a case where a child starves themselves to death. They will eat when their instincts kick in. It cures the picky eater problem also. There are 3 things we cannot force a child to do, eat, sleep, or eliminate. We can lead a horse to water, but we cannot make them drink. LOL Good luck.
I just read a book about 1 year olds. It said that around 18 or 19 months, they have a strong drive to exercise their gross motor skills (walking around, etc). The drive and need for that is SO STRONG and SO IMPORTANT that it far outweighes anything else in their life. This book said to just focus on their needs right now. If it means letting them take a bite or 2 while walking around, you might have to give in for a month or 2. It is not about power control - it is about their normal developmental and uncontrollable need. Soon, the need to exercise gross motor skills will be replaced by the need to exercise fine motor skills - such as self feeding, and then you can enforce sitting at the table. Right now, their need for walking outweighes their need for eating. I have the name of the book if you need it.
We went through this with my son (he's 5 now). He is expected to sit with us the entire meal and if he doesn't want to eat, we don't force him. He will not starve by missing one meal. We always told him that it was his choice whether to eat or not but that if he didn't eat, he wasn't getting a snack before bed or anything. It won't take long for them to figure out they better eat dinner because it's a long time until breakfast!
We don't let any of our kids get down until the meal is over. We all sit there until the grown ups/ kid who is eating slow and is obviously still hungry is done. Its family time... We tell stories about the day and if its getting really long and we all had boring days we will tell stories about when mommy and daddy were little...
Set the standard now and it will be easier to maintain with 2 kids, one of them being 2...:-)You can not force him to eat... But having him sit there with you guys and with his plate in reach may tempt him more. And try to maintain a no snacking for at least one hour after dinner rule so he doesn't figure out that if he doesn't eat dinner he can just get snacks...
All of ours have gone thru the not eating dinners stage and they have survived and are now 8,5, and 2 1/2... Now our pickiest eater is out eating EVERYONE else... Including daddy!! and he's grown 2 inches in the last few weeks...lol
I have three children and they all had to eat at the table and wait to start until we all got there and stay until it was done. It's family time and show respect for each other. Through this stage, set a clear expectation. With toddlers, the time can be shortened, but if they refuse the whole meal time event, they go went to "rest". What is worse sitting at the table or a nap?? Be a strong parent now and in a few months you'll reap the benefits when there are 2.
Hi M.
Both my kids (now 6 and 4) have been through this stage and it didn't take long to work out they will not starve!
We did not cave to their eating demands but we did not make a huge deal out of it either. We did tell them they have to sit at the table until the meal is over for everyone else. They soon realised they may as well eat because they were hungry and couldn't get down from the table anyway.
I am a strong believer that mealtimes are the best time of the day for interaction and to stay involved in what everyone has been doing, and I wanted to set the precedent while they were young so it was not an issue when they got older.
You could try that way, or, if you are happy to let him eat at his table then do so. I'm sure he'll soon get bored of eating on his own and want to come back to Mommy and Daddy's table. I think sometimes, the less fuss made about an issue the sooner it passes, especially with toddlers. I feel it's like I'm feeding the power struggle by making a big deal out of it sometimes.
Good luck, this too shall pass :-)
I think that consistency is important. We have been going through this with my daughter (who is 3). Our rule is that she doesn't have to finish her dinner but if she doesn't finish, she gets no "snacks" before bed. We used to allow her to skip the meal and then eat fruit or a very healthy snack but we've even stopped that because she would eat no dinner and then want tons of smaller meal items before bed. If they skip one meal, it won't hurt them. It'll actually show them how hungry they are. We've also done it where if she won't eat, we just keep her plate on the counter and when she says she's hungry an hour later and wants a snack, we offer her the leftover dinner.
If it's a power struggle, try to give your son some choices that he can make on his own. For example, if he doesn't eat the same meal as you, give him the choice of what he gets to eat for dinner (for example, ask him if he'd rather have chicken nuggets or mac and cheese for dinner). That way he feels he has some control. Or if he does eat the same meal as the rest of the family, give him the choice of what he wants to eat during that meal (for example, we don't always make our daughter eat the potatoes if she doesn't want). Any small choice where they feel they have some control helps.
No matter what you do though, you need to be consistent and never give in. I know it's a battle that many nights you just don't want to fight. But it will be worth it when they start eating with little to no trouble.
Hi,
I have twin 2 year olds (just turned a month ago! and were 10 weeks early). What I have discovered as we sit down as a family, or even if it is just the 2 of them eating, they need to stay in their chairs until all/each are done eating. When one gets fussy and says "no" or "all done" without even eating ( you can't make them eat), I simply explain that they will sit in their crib (empty) until they are ready to sit down and eat, or at least wait for the rest of the family to finish their dinner. I may have to do this 2 times an evening, and only leave them for 2 minutes in the crib, but if they come down and won't sit, they are back up. It has actually worked :) They sit until all are finished :)...again, even if one doesn't eat...hunger stirke...I must admit that we as parents don't always eat dinner the same time they do but we sit with them and the whole "taking time to work thru your issues in the crib" has worked :) good luck!!
Hi M. - frustrating but completely normal. When you sit down to eat, how about doing some stickers at the same time, having some cute toys to play with - don't expect him to just concentrate on his food - it's boring compared to everything else. I know you are pregnant again, but remember he is still very very small - he is not going to be a BIG brother. He is still a baby so don't expect him to be a much older child. I think you have to make mealtimes way more fun - laugh, joke with him.....and as he gets older he'll probably be more interested in food anyway - good luck - Alison
Having dealt with many toddlers over the years, I only want to say that the one thing you do not want to do is make a big deal out of this or make it a negative experience or a bigger power struggle. I'd be very low key and matter of fact about it, perhaps giving simple options. Babies this age are beginning to be more independent but are pretty awkward at it. What he's trying to do developmentally is healthy and good. You don't want mealtime to become his major battleground in this area.
yep it's a very unfun phase. my son did the same thing. i know your not suppose to cave but the other option is them starving and us mommys feel bad. we just made sure to sit at te table and make it look like the cool thing to do. it will pass.it just takes time. and gives you a head acke in the mean time. sorry
Do you want to ultimately lose control? You know it's a power struggle and a stage of development. So, how can a child develop without guidance? He/she has nothing to go on. Instill eating at the table now. Instill guidelines and rules now. Slack off and you have a bigger control problem later.
It's not going to hurt to let him miss a meal to get the message across that he has to follow the rules. When you let him eat on his terms, at his table in the living room, you're teaching him that if he refuses often enough, he can do what he wants and get his way. When he gets hungry enough, he'll eat where YOU want him to eat, not where HE chooses to eat. This won't stop at meals, if it happens enough, he'll try it in other aspects of your lives, so your little one needs to learn now, that what mom says, mom means, and you need to stick to what you say no matter what. If he leaves the table, and half an hour later wants to eat, one night should be all it takes to teach him, sorry, dinner is done, you didn't want to join us, so now you have to wait. Most important to remember, he will not starve from a couple of missed meals, or a few bites only. I'm a mom of 6, and grandma of 4 (so far) and one, maybe two missed meals is all it ever took for them to catch on. Good Luck!!
