13 Y/o Step Child

I'm a stepmother. I know how hard this is - and I know how hard teens are in general.

Your boyfriend's daughter has been through a lot. A teen girl needs her mother and she's feeling the loss no matter how messed up the mother is. You are making a valiant effort to step in, but you are not her parent and you are not even her legal stepmother (which she knows) so you have no authority. She may feel a little abandoned (or a lot) by her father, and she may be trying to push you away to bring him back home. If you weren't, there, he'd have to come home, right? That may be how she's thinking. Or, she's proving that she's basically "unloved" and "unwanted" by having neither her father nor her mother involved, so she goes for the aunt, only partly because there are no chores etc.

He's confused.- he's to be her father without being there. He's trying to make plans from afar but he's not clear enough on the schedule or the impact. And he's not there to reinforce anything. So you become the bad guy. You've been doing this for 2 years, it's not working, but you're still doing it?

If she's lying and has no supervision, he's doing her no favors, and it's going to get much worse when she's tempted by cars, drugs, sex and alcohol. Bottom line - it's his daughter and he has to decide. If he picks the aunt, then he picks the aunt. But he has to pick. Maybe he needs a job that doesn't take him on the road all week. That would be my recommendation frankly. She has a hands-off mother and a clueless, distant father. She's acting out by lying and he's falling for it because it's easier than being strong.

Parenting is hard. I'm sorry his heart's not in it. And I'm sorry he doesn't care enough about you to work on a solution that respects you.

You and your husband need to get on the same page when it comes to your parenting strategy.
It will take counseling to make it happen and only then you will have a united front with the step daughter.
If you and husband can't get on the same page then it might be best if she goes to live with her aunt.
Battling with her till she's 18 or older will not help your marriage.

Hubby needs to get over what ever guilt he's feeling so he's not in such a hurry to throw her a pity party.
If he can't do that then he's not going to be an effective parent even if he manages to stay in town the whole time.
If he's wanting to continue with how things have been going then it's probably best for you to leave and get out of the situation.

Additional:
So sorry that he's leaving but now his problems are his to solve (or not) and they are no longer yours.
Take some time to pull yourself together and don't be rushing into any new relationships for awhile.
After awhile I think you will feel a lot better - this relationship was just not working out.

Have you talked together about making this work? What.does he suggest.

Many people educated in making relationships work, say the bio parent should be the one to parent. However, when he asks.you to manage while he's gone, he's still doing the parenting because both of you talk with each other. Work together in making rules and enforcing them. He needs to tell his daughter to ask you when he's gone. Your husband and you talk to each other. Keeping both of you on the same page. When your stepdaughter asks to do something, you call to tell him she's wanting something that will not fit in the schedule, perhaps that you have obligations such as needing time for yourself.

I suggest you need to tell him how.you feel. I would be angry that he's treating you as the child.

I wonder if he thinks he's helping you by making the decisions? If you haven't told him how you feel, tell him now. If he's not willing to make changes, I suggest you make boundaries for yourself. You must have good mental health so that you can feel safe when talking with him and his daughter. He's second.guessing you which prevents his daughter to see you as an authority figure.

I urge you to get help dealing with this untenable situation. Counseling for all of you. If he won't agree, go yourself. Find a way out of this. I suggest that if he won't work with you, you leave. I suggest that if he doesn't empathize with you your relationship is doomed. The two of you will continue to build up resentment and anger. Does he not realize his giving his daughter the OK to cut you out of her life. Marriage counseling, individual counseling while you decide what to do with the relationshp.

Perhaps it is a good idea for your stepdaughter to live with the aunt if her father can let the aunt manage her life with the teen. The aunt is likely to send her back if he continues to micro manage. If she's experienced in management, not just with teens, she will have boundaries. Your husband seems to not have any boundaries. A relationship without boundaries doesn't create a happy mariage.

Does your husband treat you in ways that make you happy?

I'm so sorry to read your update. He has made a choice and the one who feels the pain of it is you.

I know this is hard to do when you're grieving the loss of a relationship, but before he comes back for his things, there are some steps you truly need to take to protect yourself and your granddaughter who lives with you.

If granddaughter is in school, and the school has a good counselor whom you trust, I'd let the counselor know there is upheaval at home and ask that the counselor and teacher keep an eye on her. Tell them you need to know if she seems upset or angry at school. Children sometimes act up (or go the opposite way and get very quiet and down) when there is a life change like this, and your change is sudden. Be sure someone who is not you has eyes on her to watch for her well-being when she's away from you.

Is your house, or the lease on your apartment if you live in one, in both your names? Your name alone? His name alone? You need to get it into your own name alone. If you bought a house together and are both on the mortgage, you need to consult a lawyer or a trusted real estate firm with solid legal experience about what to do. You're not married so I'm not sure how you will resolve this legally, but you do not want him to decide that he is going to force a sale of the house where you live, or if you're in a rental, you don't want to lose your lease because his income is no longer part of the household. Get in-person advice, don't just go online to ask about this one. If things are all in your own name, there shouldn't be an issue, but if not--be sure your emotions don't get in the way of ensuring you and your granddaughter have a home. Are you dependent on his income to make your mortgage or rent payments? If so -- what do you plan to do?

If he is leaving you, it's not only about his daughter manipulating him; there surely are other problems. So it may be best that he's going. If you can possibly manage it, get to your nearest "Women's Center" which has free, low-cost or sliding-scale help for women, such as counseling services and legal advice. Counseling could be a huge help to you -- it sounds as if you have endured two years of "constant battles" and that's worn you out.
I hope you won't take him back--he seems to have chosen being gone for work over being present with you.

i feel for both of you. having been a 14 year old stepdaughter, i clearly remember the resentment and confusion and pain. i'm sorry she's being difficult, but i'm also looking at a young woman who's in crisis over her mother's addiction, and basically being abandoned by her dad (from her perspective). who is right there to be the perfect scapegoat?

i think letting her move to her aunt's house might be a good thing. constant battle is not healthy for anyone.

you don't mention any sort of counseling for her. she's probably in desperate need of an uninvolved third party who can let her vent, and give her some coping tools that she's not willing to accept from you.

i'm sorry also to read your SWH. it sounds as if your husband hasn't valued your attempts to fill all the gaps he and the birth mother have created. if he's not willing to work harder, both on his daughter's behalf and his wife's, he's probably not much of a prize. which isn't much for you to cling to right now, i know.

some time without all the drama will be healing for you, despite your grief over your marriage. hopefully you'll be very discerning going forward as to what type of relationship you'll allow in the future.

khairete
S.