12 Year Old Attitude: Control over Medication Vs. Being in Control

By not taking the meds he is forcing you to pay attention to him. He's jealous of his siblings and getting attention, even if it's negative attention, is putting him in the spot light. Find a way to give him more attention when he cooperates with you. I don't think taking his meds should be negotiable. 12 yrs old is still a child no matter which way you look at it. He's got some growing up to do before he is mature enough to be making those kind of decisions.

It sounds like your son is refusing to take meds in an effort to creat conflict and get your attention (negative attention is better than no attention at all). Explain to him that his med. is like a diabetic who needs insulin. It is necessary. Try to have a calm conversation with him at some later point in the day, to find out why he is refusing the med. Really listen. Then maybe you can come up with a solution. Don't forget to breathe. And make eye contact. He may just feel the need for your attention.

Ah the life of a tween. We should form a support group for just that! Know, first of all, that his behavior is just like every other kid his age. Stinks for us moms! Then, I'd like to ask...have you looked at a natural solution? He might not oppose so much if he was taking something that is overall good for him and not just meds. What do you think? I know of some great dietary supplements that have been shown to impact ADD.

S.

How many of your kids are on meds?

Maybe you should try letting him not take them, if that's what he wants. Tell him, ok, let's see if you can handle life without them. You said he started taking them "years" ago. Maybe it's time for him to try being himself for a while.

Frankly, you ARE forcing him to take meds, and he doesn't want to. I say, let him go off the meds.

The middle and high school years are where you start backing off on your control over kids. In 6 years, they are technically adults, and they need to learn how to manage themselves before they hit that age.

He's 12. You are the mom. Life is tough, as a child you HAVE to obey your parents. This is a rebellion issue and you need to nip it in the bud. It won't get better. He thinks he should have the right to decide how his life goes, but at 12 he's too young to make good choices. That's why he has you! :) You know what's best for him and he needs to obey you, period! You are not a bad parent for requiring him to obey.

Best wishes - you can do this!

I also have an ADD son, 18yrs(almost). When he was about 12 or 13 is when I was able to get him to make the connection on how much more appropriately he behaved when medicated. This became key for mine. It was MUCH easier for him to make & retain friends when medicated. I think deep down the majority of tweens desire to be popular and accepted by their peers. Therefore if you can get them to make the connection between appropriate behavior(controlling impulsivity)=being more popular, you're more than 1/2 way to winning the battle! You also mentioned your flexibilty w/his morning schedule. ADD'rs generally don't do well in non-structured situations, you may want to see if he isn't happier with a structured morning routine. I also have an off the wall suggestion. My son started springboard diving @ 12. Amazingly, something like 70+% of boys who dive have ADD/ADHD. This also motivated him to take his meds. The sport seems to really help them practice "focusing". There's something about the perceived "risk/danger" that also attracts them. Mine was pretty adventurous from the get go and Diving was the perfect compromise to satisfy his "thrill seeking" and my need for him to be safe. It's also a great peer support group since the majority of them are also ADD. You're on the precipice of several somewhat rocky years what w/the additional testosterone he'll be dealing with in conjunction w/ADD. Another great activity is bike riding, I found when mine was riding his bike everywhere instead of being driven, he was a lot happier and slept much better. Stay attentive for signs of depression, it doesn't present in males like it does females. They tend to get more aggressive/angry vs. sad. I find it amazing if anyone living w/ADD isn't depressed. You also want to have plenty of healthy quick easy food on hand if he is taking his meds. ADD medication can really play havoc w/their appetites. While maybe mine wasn't able to eat much @ dinner time, at 3-4 am he would wake up ravenously hungry. I finally decided I didn't care when he ate as long as he was eating. Not unusual for him to have a box of healthy cereal, fruit, crackers & a jar of peanut butter in his school locker.for grazing in between classes. Bless you A., with your oldest being disabled AND an ADD'er your plate is certainly full! Please remember to take care of yourself :) My thoughts are with you.

Hi My son also has the same issues, my solutions were the natural way, I had him put on a compass reading (computer that talks to the body) and I give him herbs, he was the first to notice they work and the first to talk about it, also have my whole house with non toxic products so he is not on sensory overload. A lot of different household cleaners can aggravate our bodies. My 9 year old is in charge of taking his own herbs, I remind him or if he hears my phone sing Old Blue Chair he knows it is for his herbs and he will yell to me I am taking them. You mix them in a small amount of water or juice and drink my son also takes a powder he mixes in his yogurt. Call me for more info I'd be glad to give you info, Pam ###-###-####

.

This is kind of a repeat to what a couple other moms said but maybe you could try giving him the option of whether or not to take the meds. Sit down with him at some point and explain that you really don't want to fight with him every morning about taking his meds and ask him why he doesn't want to take them. Then offer that you can try it out for a week without him on his meds and then at the end of that week, sit back down with him, one on one, and discuss how it went. Really listen to him. Did he feel better or worse - how did it affect his every day function. Then you can ask him to try a week with the meds and sit down at the end of that week and listen to how it went for him again and ask him which week felt better for him and why. Maybe he really doesn't like how the meds make him feel...

It sounds like part of this is a control thing. This gives him some control. Part of it also may be him trying to get your attention. This also gives him your undivided attention when you sit down to talk about how he did with or without the meds. Don't feel bad about "forcing" him to take his meds. You ARE the mom after all and he does need to respect that. But he may be more willing to respect it if he feels like he has some sort of say in how things go...

You may also offer the option to him about researching more natural ways to help him focus (like the Feingold diet). That could get him actively involved in things and make him (a) feel like he has some control and (b) realize that you do care and you do want to listen to him and help. Sit down with him and start the research and then have him do some more on his own and then sit back down with him to discuss the outcomes.

Helping him make learn to make good decisions now will pay dividends down the road when he is faced with other critical life decisions (like peer pressure). And getting him involved in the process of his own treatment helps him "own" it.

I know that you have two other kids as well so this may not be super easy to spend so much time on just one kid but I think it will be worth it if you can make it work.

Kids always keep us on our toes, don't they!?!?!?

Dear A.,
I disagree that you are "forcing" him to take his medication. A diabetic child who doesn't like taking shots every day can't be in charge of deciding to just not take them anymore.
I have a very good friend whose son was put on medication after trying every other avenue for ADD. Everything turned around for him once he started taking it. After all the struggles, his grades improved, he performed in school plays, his self esteem rose and he really blossomed. It wasn't a "magic pill" by any means, he still had to work on focusing and organization habits and following through on things. The behavioral changes had to be worked on too. He took his medication every morning, along with his vitamins, before having his breakfast. That was the routine, that was the end of it. It simply wasn't ever left up to him to take it or not take it or what time, etc. His mom and dad both worked so the morning routine was very necessary for the whole household.
That said, he did so well on his medication that after several years of things being very structured as far as his routine and forming good habits, keeping a good attitude, etc. he no longer takes it.
I have a couple of suggestions.
I'm a single mom so I know how hard the juggling act in the mornings can be. Allowing some freedom in the mornings is fine, but it still needs to be within a routine. You say the kids are gone by the time you get out of the shower one morning a week. Try taking your shower first and then even in your bathrobe and with a towel on your head, be available to see them out the door to make sure they have their backpacks, lunches, whatever, and give a kiss on the cheek before they leave. It's not a judgement at all, I promise, but I wouldn't have let my kids leave while I was in the shower. I had to work and not even in the same town as their school so anything forgotten was simply not an option especially since I didn't have an understanding boss. I couldn't drive an extra 60 miles if they forgot something. I knew exactly what time they left, what they had with them and they were either on the school bus or their ride was here to pick them up. Guessing they got under way all right was just not something I was okay with. Personally. I always sent them out the door with an "I love you! Have a good day!"
Secondly, I think you need to talk to your son about his feelings surrounding his medication. Really listen to him. It's hard finding time, I know, but it sounds like he needs some one on one with you. If he's feeling lost in the middle, whether it's true or not, that's how he feels. Maybe you can take him for a walk or something, just the two of you and let him say what he's feeling. Let him tell you why he's saying you are forcing him to take medicine.
Offer up a compromise.
Tell him that for one thing, the medicine he takes cannot just be stopped, cold turkey. Whether he likes it or not, it could be dangerous to do that and you might need to take him to the doctor and have a discussion about that so he believes you. I would tell him that if he agrees to take his medication, in front of you, every single morning, with no attitude about it, no ratting on you for "forcing" him for the next few months, if the doctor agrees it's okay, you will slowly begin lowering the dosage by summer so then he can try not having them at all. That way, if he doesn't respond well to stopping the meds, it won't affect his school or anything. And, he may do perfectly fine and not need them anymore.
This is March. You are basically asking for 4 months of his cooperation to see if the process I mentioned will work and see how he does over the summer.
My friend's son wasn't opposed to his medicine, but what I described was exactly how her doctor went about seeing if it was necessary anymore and I'm happy to report that he no longer takes his medicine. But, the routine and structure and keeping him focused hasn't changed. He uses what he learned and the medication was a tool to help him do that.
He functioned fine without it, but it took a lot of work outside that, and not all kids may respond the same way.
Have conversations with your son. Have conversations with your son AND the doctor. Tell your son you love him and want what's best for him and at this point, him being safe is more important than him just not taking medicine because he doesn't want it anymore or doesn't think he needs it.
He's 12. He doesn't get to make those decisions.
Whether he needs it or not will also be based on his attitude and his willingness to show you he doesn't need it anymore.
Discuss a plan with him, but let him know that just stopping the medication is not an option. It's not safe for him to do it that way.

Maybe you can get him into some counselling too so he can talk more about it. Some schools even have counselling available so you might check into that too.
I wish you the best.