Soon after we had my daughter (18 months ago), our relationship with my brother and his wife changed. We use to see them frequently, getting together for dinner all the time. With a baby, things had to change, especially when my daughter liked a 6:30 bedtime.
We stopped being invited over when they had parties, and I was mostly OK with this as it wasn't practical for us --the only people with small children-- to ruin their fun with an early dinner time, etc. My brother and his wife eat at 8 all the time, and when they have a party, 8:30 or 9:00 isn't too unreasonable. In any case, we share a friend that had been living with them while she was between her house and her new condo. Yesterday, shared friend asked me about her going away party this weekend. I never heard anything about this party, but assumed my brother would have his annual Labor Day Party. I also assumed that since we hadn't heard anything about it, we weren't going to be invited.
In any case, I am really bothered that they are throwing our friend a going away party and we aren't invited. For starters, I am very close to this woman, in fact, my daughter knows her better than my brother and SIL. What gets me is that I doubt they invited her other good friend in the area either. So they are basically throwing her a going away party with their friends, without regard for her friends.
I get that a toddler is an inconvenience. I'm OK with that, but I am still a bit hurt, and it would have been nice to at least been asked. I would have made a cake --my friend loves my cakes.
So, question, do I say something to my brother and SIL or do I just ignore this?
Thanks everyone.
We actually have gotten a sitter in the past to attend their parties, when we are invited and have enough notice.
I said something to my brother and we are going over. My SIL was suppose to invite us but didn't. There are some issues there--- she's been trying to get pregnant and isn't having luck, and we are super fertile. She hasn't told anyone she is trying, so I can't even discuss it with her. I just know she's been on prenatals and that my brother is desperate for a kid. Things are rough between us, and it's crazy because I stood up for her in their wedding some 14 years ago because I was her friend, not just her soon-to-be SIL. We use to be close.
J., I do not care what the situation is, if I love and care for a person, they are invited to all of my events, regardless of whether it is convenient for them or me. It is up to the guest to then decide if they want to come or not. Not including you, for whatever reason, is just plain rude and if it makes you feel better to talk to them about it, do it.
If it was my brother, I'd say something along the lines of, "What gives? You throw a party for my friend and you don't invite me? What is up with that? And I'm gonna be there with cake." But, I don't know how your brother is. Mine can be pretty funny and relaxed.
I know you didn't ask for advice on this part, but you should really find a good sitter for your kid. That way, you can go to parties every once in awhile and not have to worry. The other guests will appreciate it as well.
Sorry for all the pain you are feeling but My option is i would not go out of my way to say anything. Your brother and his wife have the right to invite anyone they wish to invite and yes it may hurt that they did not invite you and you feel very slitted, I think you already know the reason why you were not invited. This often happens with couples who have small children and couples who do not have children. They would rather not invite the couples with children so they do not have to change their own schedule to accommodate the small children. I do not think your brother and his wife were trying to be mean but maybe sparing your feeling by not telling you about the party. It would be kind of hard to hear about a party and they hear but we can't invite you because it is not for small children. Young married couples with no children or older children do not want to have to eat at 5:30 so the kids can get to bed at 6:30, unfortunately that is the way it is and if you remember back you may have be the same way.
Maybe if you were willing to get a sitter so the small children would not have to come along they would be more open to inviting you.
Good Luck,
S.
J., that's pretty rough. It may be too late for the Labor Day party, but perhaps you can start getting invited again if you take a passive route.
Perhaps just say to them, "You know, we haven't been able to spend as much time together since Bobby was born and we really miss you guys. We're getting a baby sitter lined up so hopefully, we can start having "adult" time together again."
Maybe they just assume that you have excluded yourselves from their gatherings by NOT finding a sitter on other occasions. I just recently used SitterCity.com to search for an interview 8 different sitters. I have eased into using a sitter by having one of them care for my sons a few times during the day time, while I run errands, take one of them to the doc appt, or get my hair done. We are looking forward to our first night out alone as a couple in almost 1 year! (We've only had 3 childless evenings since my son was born in Jan 2007).
I completely understand how relationships change when you have children. We have twins and lots of our old relationships came to a screeching halt. You kind of wonder how much was mostly effort on your part.Anyway, I wouldn't say anything but have your friend over for your own little going away party. She will appreciate it more than the one your brother and sil are having for her. After the fact I would mention it to them that even though you have a child it hurts your feelings to be excluded . You should be able to turn down the offer and not just have people expecting you to decline. Also, can you get a sitter to spend adult time with them? When you have another child you will need it even more! Hope it gets easier:)
I would say something to your brother. He is family after all. Tell him how you feel. No one can read minds. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they assume you know you are invited. Maybe they think you are too busy with the children. Or maybe it is just a misunderstanding. Lack of communication is the root of most hurt feelings.
I would say something also. I also think that you should only stick the issue between you and them and not tell them to invite the other close friends to your mutual friend for the party. You can also tell them that you appreciate them being considerate for your new schedule. And you know maybe sometimes only one of you can stay for the whole party but at least if they know it they will include you. My boyfriend and I sometimes do shifts at a party so that we can both be social and by showing up we have shown friends that we still want to be part of the social circle.
Good luck, v
Could there be any other reason for not being invited? What is your comfort level/relationship with your brother/sister-in-law right now, such as family get-togethers and events?
My preference is to say something. Exactly what to say and to whom is what is tricky. Perhaps you can talk with your friend again about the details of the party. For instance, perhaps you can ask if she had input into the invitee list, or what does she think about you and the other friend from the area attending. You might get more perspective and come up with whether it would be worth saying something to your brother or not. OR you can just come out with it to your brother and sister-in-law. What could it hurt? At least you can find out if they were trying to accomodate your new lifestyle, like not inviting you would keep you from feeling bad about saying "no." They should give YOU that choice, and it's your responsibility to remind them of that if it's important to you. In that same vein, since it's their party and their home, of course they have the choice over who is invited.
Good luck!
It's your brother. If you can not say something to him, who can you be honest with?
Wow, that sounds like a hard situation to be in. I would feel very hurt in your shoes. Since this is your brother, and I'm assuming that open and honest communication is welcome in your family, I think it is appropriate to say something to him. I might say something along the lines that having your child may have changed your schedule, but it doesn't change the way you feel about him and his wife. That you still enjoy their company, and that you miss them and feel hurt from being left out. Then, maybe offer to get a babysitter in the future so you can enjoy their company without having to tend to your toddler at the same time. Good luck!
I have the same kind of people in my family. A lot of people are shocked that your brother would be like that, but so it goes. If you want to go just ask if you can stop in. How did your friend react when she found out you weren't invited? Perhaps she could be the plug. Or perhaps you can see her at another time. If you were like me you brought baby to almost everything, for a couple of reasons and obviously your brother isn't being a babysitter. Anyway, now that my children are grown I realize I stayed home a lot or brought them along until they were about six. The other poster was right, you need to get out even if you are madly in love with your child. As for your brother, there's really no excuses there other than he is selfish but he's your brother. So just be upfront about it. Or just show up. With the cake.
Hi J. by all means ask your brother about it. Because you will not rest until you hear what he has to say.
I would go and tell them that the friend invited you. Would love to see the look on their faces!
I absolutely think you should say something. Although I would keep it maybe a bit more general... Even if you wouldn't be able to attend something, you should at least be invited as long as you wouldn't ALWAYS bring your child with you. There is definitely a time and place to bring children and a time and place for a babysitter. You could have gotten a sitter for the party, right? It will continue to bother you if you don't say anything and they may not even realize that you would want to be invited to certain things anymore??????
If it was my brother I would call and just say something like "I was wondering if there was anything you needed me to bring to 'Friends' party? I know you love my punch! Also wanted to make sure its cool if I am there at 3, since that is right about when I am dropping Jenny off at the sitter." Let him respond, go the party sans baby, have a great time and don't mention it again. Maybe this is what they need to see that you still like to come out and have fun without your child at an adult gathering. Also maybe your brother is just being sensitive to the fact that you not only have one child but are expecting another. This is your brother, so I would go the extra mile here.
