Would You Be Happy or Upset- Husband Bought and..am I Being Ungrateful?

Men love their toys. Forget the TV.

I'd let him know how impressed you are with what he did. Then, make a list of things that need to be done going forward. I find that if I give my hubby a list (whether it's for gifts I want or shores he needs to accomplish) he sticks to the list and more importantly, gets it done.

Be happy for what you got, and write up what still needs to be done.

Now go watch some Netflix on that new TV!!

He wanted some 'me' time while you were away, and you wanted him to do some things around the house. So, he did some things you asked for to make you happy (pristine home, clean carpets, cleaner office), and he did something to make himself happy (new TV).

Sounds like a win-win to me.

(If you pooled all the household $, and consulted on all purchases, I could see your point with the TV. But you don't, so I don't see how you can be bent out of shape about that.)

" I said well seeing there are some odd jobs to do around the house and no kids or wife to drive you crazy maybe you could get some house stuff done. And left it at that."

You said it yourself-- you left it at that. He did what he felt needed doing. If you wanted something specific done, that was the time to say something. So, it's sort of like "I wanted him to do stuff, I asked him to do stuff, but he didn't read my mind and so he did the wrong stuff."

I'm sorry, but you sound incredibly ungrateful and pretty petty about this. My husband handles most of the finances too-- it's his choice and he is our breadwinner-- so, I'd be a bit surprised if something similar happened, but you know what? I *trust* him. He works really hard for us and if he wants to make an independent decision, I'm cool with it. Furthermore, I would never have even asked him to "do" any work while I was gone with the kid. Why? Because the guy works hard, daily. If and when he has a few days to himself, I want him to enjoy it, not spend it working on ambiguously-identified tasks. (Yes, we do have an old house filled with plenty of projects remaining, but I want him to be able to relax, watch Lord of the Rings for the umpteenth time, have chill time, maybe meet up with his friends for dinner or a drink or go to a game.... see where I'm going with this? I find it far more strange that one feels entitled to tell another person what to do with their rare 'free' time than I do for a husband to want to do something he feels is nice for their whole family.

Oh, and my husband takes Kiddo off for a few days every so often; at least once a year they are gone for a week together. He's NEVER asked me to do housework/house projects while he's gone. NEVER. I sometimes choose to save some things for when they are out, like doing the Marmoleum sealing, or this weekend, they are gone and I'll be using that time to spread out my work (making curtains for some neighbors). That said, those are my choices to do tasks at a time when I have more space/less interruptions. Because I want to do those things, not because he expects it. You might consider that the next time an occasion like this comes up. Sometimes, less is more.

If you each have your own money to spend as you please and he spent his money on the tv without neglecting to pay for necessities like electricity and food, I really don't see the problem. He bought a new tv, not a new house.

I think the problem goes deeper, probably. You say you don't like any surprises. But you should be thrilled that he got to do all the things he's usually to tired to do. So it sounds more like it's a control issue with you.

I'd have a huge problem with the TV, but not the rest, which would thrill me. The TV is a big expense, a luxury, not a necessity, so that should have been discussed. You already had discussed the cabinets, per your "So What Happened", so that is something that should make you happy.

But still, what sticks out is that you consider that he has "his" money and you have "your" money. The only money that should be separate is for the step kids. What most people do is have a family account and a child support account. It bothers me more that expenses for your family are not considered your business.

Be grateful. You didn't discuss specifics about "things around the house that needed to be done". He decided on his own the projects to do. You came home to a pristine house. Projects were done and he wanted to surprise you.

If your kid painted you a picture you didn't expect would you critique it or appreciate it. If you worked hard to clean his office and wanted to surprise him with a task well done would you receive criticism well?

Please know the attitude you take now will either encourage or discourage him from doing household projects. Choose wisely.

I think you need to cut him some slack. He spent 10 days working on the home, like you asked. Maybe they weren't the projects you would have preferred but he could have been in the garage all week working on his car. And, you said it's his money.

I get it, I hate surprises too but I think you need to let it go. Done is done.

you can feel however you want to feel. theres no right or wrong to that.
i would feel grateful that my hubby did something. he rarely does any cleaning type thing in the house, and home improvements are done when he wants to, not when things need doing. so if i came back to newly stained cabinets, clean carpets and a tidy office and the rest of the house being pristine?i would be so happy i might pee my pants, but thats just me and how i would react to my "i bring in the money cleaning is your job" hubby

It feels like you're looking for something to complain about.

So next time he has the urge, send him to my house. I could use all of that, and I have no problems with him choosing his own money to make my house look great!

So you were upset because he did what he thought was important but it wasn't what YOU thought was important. However, you didn't really tell him what was important. He can't read your mind sweetie. I have been married 30 years and my husband STILL can't read mine!!!

"Without consulting me to make a partnered decision on what was important first?" Really?? Disrespected as his wife? Wow! You are jumping into territory that is so not about this. So what really pissed you off? The TV? My suggestion, get over it. He stained the cabinets and cleaned carpet and office. That's pretty darn good.

How to feel? Well, happy and appreciative of his efforts. Honestly, he could have just done nothing.

Yep men ike to buy TVs.
And I'm sorry but if all you are paying is your credit card and car bills that means HE is paying the ACTUAL bills, housing, food, insurance, retirement, savings, etc. This hardly seems balanced or fair. Credit cards are fluffy and expensive. Of course a car is necessary.
Maybe it's time for a grown up talk about financial planning.
And let the guy have his TV, you have all the stuff you bought (and are now paying high interest on!) on your credit card.

You should feel honored that he took you up on your suggestion(s). Perhaps they were not the things you wanted done but then again you did not specify.

Hubby had 10 days to do things he thought would make his home updated. The TV issue is something that all men do. My husband looks at TVs all the time and the bigger the better to him He feels the bigger it is is will be like being at the movies and watching the action go by life size.

Thank your husband and be grateful for all that he has done to show is love to you. You just got to learn to give up some of the control in the household. As others have stated you guys have two separate money accounts going on and yours is more like an expense account for what you pay.

A talk in the future would be good about things to consider for improvement in the house. It is time to let it go as it was done while you were away and I don't think you are going to call in the people to take it back. He could have worked on his car and cleaned his office only.

the other S.

PS I am happy that my husband does what he does at home and don't complain even though there are things I wish he would do earlier in the day so that I can get things done when I get home. I keep my thoughts to myself and move on so that no hard feelings are caused.

I don't think this is about the tv, cabinets or carpets.

For some reason these actions made you feel worse, and it seems your wants/needs got pushed further down the list or something....I think you need to decide what got triggered....

You asked for x,y,z to be done and instead he did a,b,c (without regard to x,y,z) and then said you have no right to be mad since he did 'something', is this it?

I would have a mixed bag of frustration and happiness too.

I think you guys have to have a sit down talk (without disruption of kids) and go over income, bills, financial planning,etc. Maybe have family goals and his/ hers goals, but keep communicating about them!

As Mommy of 1 has suggested...leave a list. I have learned from experience that my husband cannot read the specifics of my mind :-), and that he 'hears' me better when things are written down (as do I).

I agree with several replies below. Keep him encouraged with gratitude.

I would have discussed the list with my husband before leaving so we were on the same page. My husband (and I would too quite frankly) would have picked chores/tasks that he disliked the least to get started on.

My husband decided to work on our backyard instead of finishing the deck. Both were on our list. My husband likes growing grass - I think he thinks he's a farmer. He's out there with the hose, and grass seed - he finds it relaxing. Personally, I don't want the kids to fall off the deck. But he's not a great carpenter - so he's left that. We'll likely need to call someone to come finish the steps.

But my point is - we all chose to do the tasks we prefer - first. So it's important you talk to him more - or get involved - in what tasks are to come first. My husband re-tiled our house when kids and I were away once - and I went with him the day before and picked out the tile and grout. We then talked every day I was away and he gave me updates. But not because I'm the boss supervising what gets done. He was just happy with how it was coming.

The TV would annoy me. We buy needs vs. wants here, so that would not have gone over well. We have joint finances though so haven't really run into this. "Wants" are more for birthdays, etc. and even so, we tend to discuss first. It is fun to splurge once in a while.

Sounds to me like you guys aren't on the same page on - task priorities and spending. I would just talk more and communicate how you feel about that.

Did you specify which jobs you wanted him to do around the house? You can't blame him for prioritizing differently that you if you didn't give him clear, specific direction. I would have been angry if my husband had spent "our" money on a giant tv without consulting me, but I don't know how it works when you keep finances separate. I think it is fair to be annoyed by the tv, as it sounds like he waited until you were away so he wouldn't need to consult you.

Seems to me that you feel that the big TV is like the car hobby - something that costs money that the family doesn't need.

I do understand you feeling that way. You do say that you don't know how to feel. However you feel, is how you feel, and being confused is okay.

I think maybe you might try to look at this like an "end-sum game". You got more out of this than you lost. You "lost" with the huge TV that you don't feel that you need. But you got a cleaned up, fixed up room.

Someone mentioned that your husband's not a handyman. Well, he can either be a handyman or you can hire a handyman. If you feel that he will only do jobs around the house that will cater to what he likes, hire out the rest after you give him a chance to do them, and he doesn't.

It's important to get necessary jobs done on a house so that it doesn't deterioate and then turn into a major expense to fix it. It's his job to be a part of this. Unless you both put your head in the sand about house repairs, SOMEONE has to decide to get it fixed. It sounds like that someone is you.

Now you know what happens when you leave. Next time sit down with him and map out things together. Tell him that if there are changes, you would appreciate a phone call for you two to discuss things.

What caught my attention in your post was that you wanted him to do chores and left it at that, and then got mad because he did not do the chores YOU wanted him to do. He is not a hired handyman, he can do which chores he finds important, especially when you did not give him any idea about what you found important. And if you don't poll your money you have no right to get pissy about who he spends.

So he did stuff and you're mad? I learned a long time ago that if I want something specific done, I say it. I don't ask him to do whatever he wants, I say the lawn needs mowed and edged, or please clean the shower, or something specific. He did the things HE saw needed done and treated himself and the family to something new. If you don't pool your money together at all you should have no issue.

You can't be mad he left you out of any decisions when there weren't really any to be made.

I see both sides of this. You are hurt a bit because a decision was made for where you live, for the family, and you were not included. My husband has done this a few times. He is currently saving for a car, ANOTHER car, that we don't need. But it is his money. When he does ask me about it--more like telling me or looking online at cars--I just try to give him some ideas. I know one day I am going to get home and either told we need to go get the car or find another car by our garage.

But I would love, love, love it if I got home and he fixed the plaster in the kitchen or patched settling cracks in the front room walls. That would be awesome.

I don't think you're ungrateful. I think that married couples should make financial decisions together, and I'd like input on major purchases and renovations in our home. I do, however, also believe that my husband has my best interest at heart and loves me and does not wish to disrespect me...so I would accept his work for what it is: An act of love and service. How exciting to have lovely new stained cabinets! :-) And I'd assume that he got a great deal on that TV too.

I kind of get what you are saying...because my husband will spend money on things he wants without talking to me about it first. It's usually something electronic or related to science he thinks is cool...such as a 3D printer, an all sky camera you keep out in the backyard, and a motion activated camera to capture images of wildlife in your yard. He will buy computer related things as well. I support his interests...but it would be nice if we decided on these things together. I would never go out and buy a new couch without his input for example. But I've learned over time that he has a bit of a selfish side and thinks he can get what he wants with the money he earns. The good side of this is he is passionate about these things and teaching the kids science and computer coding and he likes involving the whole family. If it makes you feel any better my husband would never do any of those house-fix-it jobs your husband did while you are gone. I think that is amazing. My husband is not into spending his time doing things like that and likes to spend his time only on his work or on the computer. He doesn't mow the lawn. He would never in a million years clean the car. He would never stain cabinets. He definitely would never even think of steam cleaning carpets!