Working Out the Finances in Marriage

That is total BS.

First, this is a marriage. A joint venture. Every CENT that comes into the household is BOTH OF YOURS. You BOTH need to have access to bank records, and know exactly what is coming in and going out. Sure, your husband is entitled to his hobbies - be it books, tools, nights out, whatever. Same as you. And if you guys are coming up SHORT every month, you really need to look into what is going on. Until you get ahead of the game, you are in BIG trouble. Suzie Orman is a great source.

1. Figure out total income, monthly (that includes knowing where 401k is going).
2. Figure out set bills (mortgage, car, etc.) and avg bills (gas, cable, elec, etc.)
3. See what is left. Set a budget for things like groceries and try to stick to it.
4. You BOTH are allowed some "fun" money - if you have it, $50-100 a month that neither party can question.
5. Look at your checkbook/online accounts. Meet once a week/month to see where you are.
6. Meet once a quarter to discuss investments (401k, Roth Ira, kids college, etc.)

Now, the WRONG reaction is, "well, he's spending, so screw it, I will too." We have one joint checking account. If you can't manage that, then get seperate ones, but it'll only hide what you are both doing. If you can't be honest with each other, then maybe you need to take a long hard look at your marriage.

Good luck, and drop me a line if I can help. Man or woman, every spouse has the RIGHT to know what is going on with your combined incomes.

Peace,
Richard

3 moms found this helpful

This is terrible and it's definately a trust issue that needs to be resolved at this point. If I were yo, I would do some more "investigating" of where his money is going before the talk to ensure that nothing else is going on that you were unaware of.

My husband and I operate the same way that Beth M and her husband manage things. We pay the percentage of bills based on the percentage of income for the house. I am in sales, so some months, I bring in 80% of the income and some only 45%. As such, we total up the monthly bills and I would pay 80% some months and 45% other months. Make sense? It's our way of ensuring that it all evens out in the end.

I wish you the best. I would be more than peeved with my husband if I were in your shoes. You work hard for the household- he needs to respect that!

Wow, I would be peeved too, and very suspicious. I guess I should consider myself lucky. My husband turned all the financials over to me when we got engaged and moved in together. We direct deposit both of our checks into the same checking account and we have a shared savings account and that is it. He had a lot of credit card debt, student loans, etc. while I was a saver and owned my own condo, had no credit card debt and enough savings to get rid of his credit card debt. My husband is simply not interested in financials as long as he can buy what he wants. I have heard a lot of people say the secret to marital bliss is "separate checking accounts" but for us that would not work. I guess it is different for everyone, but when we had our couseling with our pastor prior to getting married the pastor said that money is the number one issue in marriages and asked us a lot of questions to make sure that we were on the same page or were at least discussing our finances. Luckily we were, I was already managing our finances.

I think you are very smart to have a discussion and try to get things worked out. You may want to consider getting a professional involved as well as this seems to have already gotten out of control a bit.

Oh, also, the monther of a friend of mine gave me some advice when I was engaged that I ignored but it may be worthwhile to you. She said every wife should get her own bank account that her husband doesn't know about and put a certain amount of money in it each week or month that is her emergency account in case the marriage doesn't work out. I guess she gave this advice to her ex-daughter-in-law and she had been doing just that. She lost half of it in the divorce, but at least she had something. It sounds like your husband has some issues with money and if I were you I would consider stashing some money away for any type of an emergency.

D.

A.,
Everyone's marriage works differently. Some couples put all the $ in one pot for all bills, etc., and everything is 50/50. Others have individual accounts for husband & wife, & each is assigned different bills to pay. I know couples who have very happy, trusting marriages working both ways. My primary concern with your husband would be him stashing away more $ and not telling you. This is a trust issue, and trust is the foundation of a healthy marriage. I also read that stay at home moms, if paid, should earn well into the 6 figures to account for what the childcare, house cleaning, and other day-to-day duties would cost if hired out (I know you said you're running a childcare business as well, which just means your job is twice as hard!). I won't give my opinion on the stashing away of money as I don't want to sway your opinion, but I do think all bills need to be paid (including a savings account for your daughter's education, if possible) before anyone stashes away money. Maybe you two can agree on a set amount of money, or allowance, that each of you gets to set aside for yourself for personal use. Your husband should realize your family's financial health & your daughter's college fund should be more important than hiding extra money away. Just have an open, honest discussion w/ your husband about it and hopefully you can come to an agreement you can both live with. Also, I would recommend reading Suze Orman's new book...I haven't read it yet but have heard a lot about it. It's about women & money, I'm not sure of the title. If you don't know her, she is a financial guru and knows a ton about everything finance related. Good luck1

I didn't read the other responses but sounds like you two need to sit together and both look at your finances. You might even want to have someone there who would be equal partied. I'm afraid if you hide money from each other than that's not a very trustful relationship nor fair to either of you.

According to what you have written I don't think that money is your main issue and I think that it is important that you take this to a counselor before it gets out of hand. In my family only one of us handles all the money and niether of us gets play money unless there is extra after bills. My husband is the only one that works but i control all of the money but I do it fairly.

Good Luck!
P.

Hi A.,

When my hubby and I first got married (both 2nd timers!) we decided the best and easiest way was for both of us to pool "OUR" money into a joint account, rather than "my money" and "his money". All the bills are paid from this account. After the bills are paid, we can then have fun money of $each. If we see something we would like to buy (for our son, or apartment, etc) and we have the cash, we go ahead and buy it, but if it is over a certain $ amount we discuss with the other person before buying it. We both have separate 401K accounts and savings accounts, but we both discussed and decided on the % and $ amounts that would be deducted from our paychecks.
I have to admit that it was hard at first to pool all the funds as we had both been independant after our divorces for a few years, but now it really makes more sense for us!
I would be peeved too if my hubby had secretive "extra" money too!! My first husband did that and that was just one of the many reasons I couldn't trust him!! It would make me wonder what else is he being secretive about!!
Good luck!
A.

I dont really have advice for you but I would be so LIVID! The money that you both make should be to support your family. Once you get married there should be no my money and your money. It is family money. He is being really selfish and I would be so angry that he was keeping stuff from me!
Good Luck!

A....
No woman should be left without her own money. It is important for you to have your own account with savings in it just for you. It is unfair of your husband to have his own without allowing you to do the same.

The biggest riff in marraiges is the money situation. He should not have play money and you not just because you make less than him. A lot of people suggest the percentage figure. If he brings in 2/3's of the income then he should produce enough money for 2/3's of the bills then you pick up the 1/3. You would still have less money then him in your pocket but when you punch the numbers it is more realistic some times. The problem with that figure is if your income barely or does not cover the 1/3 portion of the bills. If the money does not balance that easy then you should figure out what is needed for the bills first putting all funds made by both individuals into the bank. When the bills are paid then the left over funds get divided according to personal needs. If your husband eats out for lunch then he can either take a lunch instead or you can give him more pocket money so he can afford to eat out. Gas money needs to be part of the bills and taken out before the play money is divided. He needs to understand that the bills come first and play money comes second. My ex-husband had the same problem and that is just one of the reasons why he will always remain my exhusband!

I am not married, but am living with my son's father. He makes SIGNIFICANTLY more than me. Since we are living in a condo that he bought before we got together, he pays for it--his choice because he feels like when he sells it, he will be making the money so doesn't want me to be putting anything into it and then feeling like we have to figure out a % that I would make on the sale or something, its just easier that way. Therefore, I shoulder more responsibility for the things our son requires (ok, maybe not REQUIRES...but baby clothes are so CUTE!).
Not being married changes our situation a little, but we basically have seperate accounts and then a joint account. We didn't work it out like Beth (below) did (which I think is a GREAT idea: each pay the percentage of your income--it he makes 70% more then you, he should pay 70% more of the bills?...sounds like a good plan to me) but we do tend to do things based on that idea.
When we opened a 529 plan for my son, I put in as much as I could without putting myself out and he put in a considerable amount more--its too important to worry about who is doing what.
You should have three accounts total: your husband can have one, you should have one, and then a joint account. Everything for the house/baby etc. should be paid out of the joint account--put some extra in there as often as possible for emergencies. Outside of that--allow your husband to have some extra money, but explain to him that you need that too, so you will put in a percentage of your income--not 100% of it!
Money for your daugher's savings account could also be figured out by saying "We will each put in $50/month". Make it an amount that you can both afford and leave it at that for now.

A thought for your husband: You are taking care of your daughter to avoid him having to pay daycare as well...add your income from the daycare PLUS what you would pay to send your daughter to daycare...remind him that you are saving him from having to pay that as well--some of the money he has to "play" around with is actually money that YOU are saving him...

Hi
Your post sounded like me until I got to the part where you pay the bills. I run a daycare. I spent a lot of money getting the daycare up and running and I am paying back that debt from the businness account. However- everything else goes into a joint account where we jointly pay the bills,groceries, car payments, morgage, mone towards college and retirement. we budget $100 a month for my husband to use on what he wants and $50 for me to do what I want( and this is outside of hair cuts which are mandatory every now and then)
We also have a budget for books( $25 a month) bc books are important to have at all times.
Our tax return each year goes to paying off credit debt.
My husband makes double what I make and even when I taught and made very little(a little more than now) we did it this way.

Partly why my husband get more discretionary is bc he buys me jewelry for christmas/ b-day etc. and sometiems when he travels to a foreign land.
please e-mail me if you want to talk more.
B.

A.,

I would like to recommend DaveRamsey.com - he is not only concerned with your finances but how these money situations affect marriages. He has a great radio show but unfortunately it is not on around here except on XM radio.

Both of his books are great - Financial Peace University and Total Money Makeover.

I think that finances should be joint, but each marriage is different and you guys need to figure out what works best for both of you.

One thing I think you should tell your husband is that ALL debt needs to be paid off before he starts funding a "splurge" account - or whatever it is to him.

Good luck!

I totally agree with Richard and the others: This is a joint marriage, a union, a partnership. Every penny that comes in is BOTH of yours, not "mine and this is yours."

My husband and I have a joint checking and savings account. We pay everything through our joint checking account, trusting that each other is not going to spend friviously. We both don't spend much on ourselves, so we are lucky that we are similar. We would not have a reason to hide a purchase from each other; marriage is about trust. We never say to each other "I make more than you, so I deserve to get this car." or "this is mine, don't touch it because I bought it." It doesn't matter how much money my spouse and I make compared to each other; all it matters is that we pool the money we earn TOGETHER, and TOGETHER we pay the bills and what ever other expenses.

If he is hiding his spending habits, this may indicate there may be a bigger problem, which is communication. Communication is the backbone of marriage, friendships, and family. You all need to sit down together and discuss your budget and see a financial planner if needed be. The biggest question is why does he feel he has to hide this from you? Why is he shunning his responsibility to contribute to his family's well being and survival?

Good luck.

It is usually easier to put all the money into one account and the bills to come out of it. Once the bills are paid then the "extra" money needs to be divided up into savings and investments and recreation. When you have paid off a bill don't treat the extra money as "play money" but put it immediately onto another bill so you can pay it down faster.

Not everyone is business minded, talk about who is better at handling the money (sounds like you) and let one of you take control of it. Whoever is responsible for the bills takes the extra money and divides it accordingly. That person has to be willing to sit down and show the other one at any time where you stand financially so that you both have an understanding of where you are going and what you are doing.
My husband uses Quicken and can show us where we stand at any time with bills and investments. He also puts a set amount in my separate account every payday for groceries, clothes for the kids, eating out and free spending. He asks ME when he is going to use the account so that I can tell him if I don't have enough to cover what he wants to do. He also has a small amount of pocket change but mostly the "free" money is in my account. It makes things alot less confusing that way.
FYI, my ex-husband was HORRIBLE with money. I ended up taking over the finances after a couple years of continuous battles because he was always putting us in the red. It took me SEVEN years to get us out of debt. During that time he was happy as a clam not having to worry about money (HA because I did) and he was happy with his "allowance" every payday.
You are either a team or you aren't. If you don't work together then it will always be a source of tension between you. You both have to be willing to trust each other and work together. Good luck. =)

Finances is typically the biggest issue with marriages, since people use their money in SUCH different ways and money exemplifies what is important to you. I'd be sure to talk to him about it as you mentioned. I too would definitely be interested in where my husband is spending "extra" money...what is it that is that important to him. Maybe it's time to set up a budget and emphasize honesty in the budget (not hidden money) to see where money is going and where money is "wasted" (or in other words not supporting what is important to you). Hidden things are just not good in a marriage. Marriage sure takes working together and communication, particularly when it comes to finances. Best wishes to you!!
As far as how it works at our house, I too do home day care. My husband is a car tech, so income varies quite a bit month to month. We live just off my husband's income. (Great goal is to get debt free and then live off one income.) My husband is naturally the spender and I am naturally the saver (sounds like the same for you guys). Fortunately my husband recognized that pattern pretty early, so he trusts me to handle the finances. I leave money for him so it is always available to him, but we kind of keep track of how much and I let him know when it is getting out of control and it's time to limit the eating out and unnecessary luxeries and get back in that habit. Plus, if you are treating yourself all the time, it's not so much of a treat anymore. :) I used to keep a pretty tight reign on it, but with time he has gotten much better in his spending habits. He still spends a lot more than I would like him to on eating out and such, but MUCH better than it used to be. Once the habit gets going of spending more conservatively, it doesn't feel like a sacrifice at all and it feels good to bargain shop, not spending more than you need to. I hope the communication goes well and habits begin to improve. Best wishes again to you!

sounds like there needs to be a shift in weights. i do'nt know who does most of the bill paying, etc...but if your husbands makes substaintially more than you, his salary should cover all the bills and necessities and anything you earn should go into savings and little extras. and if your paying all the bills, what's his salary paying for? you definitely deserve to have something extra for yourself.
i'm sure there a lot of other issues at hand related to this,
it might help to see an acct. to put things in perspective or some type of counselling to work through this. not to be negative, but i do remember in my premarriage counseling, the teacher said finances is one of the top reason for divorces. not sure if he's telling the truth, but i can believe it.
good luck!

Hi A.:

My advise is this in two words ... full disclosure. Before anything else and regardless of who makes what, you both need to know exactly what is coming in and exactly what is going out. My feeling has always been this - when you're partners, you're partners in everything regardless of what your job is. Sounds like it might be time for you to pay the bills together.

Good luck!
M.

A. -

I would recommend reading Women and Money by Suze Orman. She is an amazing woman with so much knowledge and she has always recommended that when people are married, they should BOTH have spending money of their own and that women NEED to have their own savings account that is all their own. She recommends that both parties contribute a portion of their earnings to the bills in proportion to what they make.

I also think it's important for your husband to be upfront with you. Marriage is a partnership and there should be complete honesty in the issue of finances. Leaving you out of the loop on how much he is setting aside for himself, etc is not fair to you!

Definitely check out the Suze Orman book!!!

S.

Well not to sound mean, but there seams to be a lack of communication there. My husband and I make a budget for the month. We write down all the bills that have to be paid. We then know how much we have to put aside. Whatever is left over should be the both of yours to decide what to do with. This could be putting some away for your daughter, going out together, grocery shopping, and even gas. Each week when we get paid I put 15 dollars in my purse and he puts 30. This is just our little mad money for the week. He is a smoker so he uses that for his cigarettes and in the summer a game of golf. Finances in a family should be discussed and should be a compromise. I know it is sometimes very difficult to get across to our husbands, but sometimes they will sit and listen. Have that chat with him and hopefully he will be understanding.

Its a tricky subject. Good for you for getting into the details of your home.

We treat the household as a business. Then what we did was figure out what our monthly expenses were and then figured out what our individual monthly income was in relation to the bills. For example, my husband makes more than me, he pays 70% of the bills and I pay 30%. We each have our own individual bank accounts and a joint account. We pay the % into the joint account (plus a little extra for "surplus"). If there is something for the family, it comes out of the joint acct and if its something for ourselves it comes out of our own individual accounts.

I know every household is different and everyone has their own opinions, but this has really helped our financial situation and our marriage.

Good luck with your talk!
B.

Hi A.,

I am sure this could really be a heated discussion, but I would just like to say that no one person in a marriage should be entitled to more money than the other. You should both be treated equally in the marriage, even if you were not working (and I know you are). You really need to have a lengthy discussion b/c this is a major reason why people separate. No one should be hiding money!