Working Mom vs Stay at Home Mom - Boiling Springs,SC

Your post touched me. I think your husband is very sweet and sounds like a real family man. My SIL and I are both nurses. She decided to stay working one night shift every 6 weeks to keep her skills. I decided to resign . I have an advanced degree so I have written some research articles and provided some expert witness review. In short, yes I miss the job I loved but another girl took my position with my sweet patients but nobody could take my place at home. I would not change the decision as it was right for us. Good luck.

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YEAH, it is hard, but I wouldnt want it any other way. I have about 4 more years of being a SAHM, and I will be so ready to go back to work when they are all in school, but for now, I am doing what is best. And to be honest, I will probably never go full time again, because I will make sure I have them off to school and be able to meet them when they get home.

Could you still do the necessary things to keep up your RN license, like classes or whatever in the evening? There has to be a way to keep it up without working fulltime, or maybe just one shift a week, biweekly or monthly, even if its a Saturday?

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Can you work part time? Best of both worlds if you can find a job that allows you to be home in time to get the kids off the bus. I would think that as an RN you might be able to find some pretty flexible part time work that would allow you to stay current as a RN and bring in extra income and give you the adult interaction and also allow for more time at home with the kids.

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wow! it's a tough choice and i can't say what will be right for you. but i do want to say that i LOVE your husband for wanting this so for his family, and i also love YOU for loving your career choice and understanding that you'll be sacrificing a lot by giving it up.
it's really a good thing that it would take some time to set in place. a year gives you a long breathing space to go over your options and be prepared.
there's no perfect answer. the fact that this is a win/win means that it's also, of course, a lose/lose. something gets sacrificed no matter what. but you have time to weigh carefully what you can best live without.
good luck!
khairete
S.

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If I were you I would more look at flex hours. Nearly all of our nurses do that in one form or another. Unless you are planning on having more kids it really doesn't make sense to quit cold turkey at a point where the biggest need and biggest expense end.

So I guess I am saying it looks like you are hitting a point of financial stability so use that to your advantage and have the best of both worlds. Go part time with flex hours.

By the way, you are nuts if you think accounting is something you can drop and go back to! Tax and audit change daily, I would imagine more than nursing does but if anything they are damn close to the amount of continuing education needed. Maybe you might want to pick a different field, like, err, well I have no idea, no job I am familiar with you can drop for a few years and still be qualified. :(

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I was a podiatrist for 12 years in the UK, my children went to a lovely nanny, and they were fine, and happy, but like your husband, my husband wanted me to stay home and raise the kids, and after a while I agreed to try it...
So we moved back to America, where he is from.
In the UK I had a nice 3 bed 2 bath brand new brick home, a new car, and plenty of holidays abroad.
We moved back to live on his parents property, where they had a little 2 bed trailer, we could live in for free. It is REALLY small, and we struggle on space all the time, but it has allowed me to stay home for almost 6 years with the children.
And that has been hard, because we live very rural, and I felt it isolating at times. Of course I love my children, but I do feel the need to get out on a bi-daily basis at least.
My podiatry license has lapsed, I wouldn't recommend that, keep current with your RN. You won't lose your skills, I still work on peoples feet like I did it yesterday, with no loss in my skills, even after 6 years.
I am going back to school full time this week, I have mixed feelings, I will miss the kids, but they are in school now anyway, they are 10 and 5. I feel I did my duty and I have no regrets.

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Is there any way you could cut your hours but still work occasionally, so you always have the option of going back? Find a job where you could work one day a week? or one night a week? or be a "sub" type nurse (I dont know much about this) Being a SAHM would be great for your family but make sure you are keeping up skills and license, if something happened and you suddenly needed to be the major bread winner.... Many of us here were SAHMs and then suddenly needed to support our families.

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Have you considered working part time, nights, or weekends? An RN has so many different shifts available to work. You might be able to find something that would allow you the ability to be at home for your children, while still being able to keep your skills and license up, along with some income. My mom worked nights when I was younger and would sleep while I was at preschool or school. Only rarely would I need to stay with someone while my dad was out of town. Just something to think about.

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A., I have met nurses who left for a couple of years and then could not get back into their field. Their skills were rusty - the computer technology had changed - they were dinosaurs. All that schooling and training for naught.

I agree with Jo that you should look at part time or flex time. If you want to be with your kids, look into working for the school system. School nurses get to work school hours and take summers off. And you still get benefits.

I have to say that when I stopped working (due to relocation for my husband's job), it was really hard on me. My kids were used to daycare and schedules, and I had to learn to keep them on a schedule. I missed working. I missed my old life. I missed my kids while I was working, and I missed my career when I started staying home. It took me a long time to get used to it.

It was easy to leave my career. Yours is different. Try to keep your skills up because losing them will be really hard on you, should your situation change and you actually need to work.

D.

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I have always worked and will always work because I truly enjoy it, but...

A good friend of mine is an RN. When her children were young she stayed at home during the week and worked as "vacation coverage" at the local hospital. Sometimes she worked a lot, sometimes she didn't but it allowed her to keep her skills and license active and keep that part of herself active!

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My best friend is a nurse she only works every other weekend and they often call her out. I would probably not want to loose my licenses if I were you.
As far as being a SAHM... I love it! My kids are now 9 and 14 and I hope I never have to go back to work. (Fyi.. I have my MBA and used to love working). I strongly recommend you find a hobby that you can be passionate about. You will have to fill your hours with satisfying activities and although I like having clean bathrooms I do not get a lot of satisfaction keeping them that way:). Good luck to you and your family.

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You will NOT regret staying home to raise your little ones. The memories you will make, the milestones you will be there to witness, and the little teachable moments that come up throughout the day will stay with you in your heart and with your children for eternity. As for money issues, I know of a mom who's husband makes slightly less that $30,000 and they have and homeschool 8 children. They live in a modest home in a decent neighborhood. They budget, have NO debt except for their home, shop thrift stores and do not indulge in extras, but there is A LOT of love in their home and nobody wants for anything - especially time and attention, which money can't buy. (And such smart, friendly, loving kids, too!) Congratulations on having such a supportive husband and hopefully you'll be able to make it all work soon. :)

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I would argue that being an RN is like being an accountant. I know many, many nurses (including my mom) who took off years to be at home and then went back to work later. You can re-take your licensing exams etc. So I wanted to get that out of the way - nursing is one of the easier fields to on-ramp into after an absence - your job is not 100% based on technology (like a web designer or someone in a creative or technical field) and there seems to be a perpetual shortage of nurses. My mom was out for 12 years and was able to go back pretty easily when she wanted to.

That said, do consider things like your retirement savings when making this decision. Make sure that not only will you be able to survive on one income for today but that you will still be able to aggressively save for retirement and other long-term goals without your income. I would prepare by taking all of your salary for a few months (minus childcare and other expenses that would go away when you're at home) and putting it into savings to see if you can really live on one income first. Figure out if there are debts you need to pay off before you lose your income and get those paid.

FWIW I found that childcare was much more of a challenge once the kids were in school. Before they're in school, you drop them off in the morning, they stay at the same place all day and you pick them up in the evening. With school kids, some working families have to balance both before-school and after-school care so that their kids end up three different places in the same day, which can be exhausting for them. So although having kids in school sounds like suddenly you'll have all this time to waste and that being home is pointless, I think you'll find that those school days fly by and there's plenty to do and plenty of reason to be home. I am lucky to be able to work from home 3x per week so don't have to worry about after-school care on those days and it's great - my kids get some of the perks of having a SAHM but we don't lose out on my income.

Anyway...you may find that once they're both in full-day school that you might want to work part-time only and that's one of the great things about your fields - there is work available 24/7 and for many, working per diem via and agency pays way more than being a FT staff nurse. When my mom first went back to work she took a relatively low-paying FT job at a place in our town just to get herself back up to speed and not be far from home in case we needed her (we ranged in age from 6-12) and after about a year switched to per diem for an agency and ended up making more $ working 3 days a week instead of 5. So just keep that in mind - you're in a field with many, many options. I have a friend who works 3 12-hour shifts, a cousin who does 2-4 days a week of 8-12 hour shifts, a cousin who did 3-11 for many years, etc.

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Mine are 1, 3, 4 and 6 and I could not afford daycare so I stay at home, and my husband works. If yours are both in school (K and pre-K), I'm not sure that staying at home is for you. You LOVE your job as an RN. I would get back into that.

Why is it important you are home when the kids get home from school? And it seems your husband's idea? Mine (oldest 3 kids) go to affordable after-care (2 different ones) EVEN though I am a stay at home mom. They'd be bored with me! I like knowing they get play time with friends, too. They love it!

Staying at home is very expensive, between the activities, classes, memberships, etc. Now, you don't have to do any of that, but then you are at home trying to entertain kids all day. Plus, you'll spend most of your time cleaning.

It sounds like you are an excellent RN who loves that work, and I suggest you get back into that.

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I agree with Jo Below. I'm an accountant so it may be biased. Laws change daily, monthly, annually, and any field that takes knowledge you lose value the more you have off.
I know a lot of nurses that do teaching classes and work flex time to keep themselves valuable for the future. you don't want to throw your career down the drain. if you had a newborn my opinion might be diferent, but you could possibly work a few days part time and still be there for pick ups, drop offs and so on, and then still be able to go back when they ar at an age where staying home is no longer needed.

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You have a lot of great answers. My take on it is to make sure you do find some time for YOU while staying home. It can become very isolating being home and around your children all day, every day, 365 days a year. Schedule some lunches with friends, join a book club, get involved with your children's schools/preschools. You have to get out of the house, and do things to make you happy. It is not easy to be around your children that much without a little break here and there. (And don't get me going on mommy guilt)

If you aren't getting this time for yourself, it affects the way you treat your family. I had to force myself to do this about a year into staying home, and I feel 100% better now that I do it.

Maybe try to be a per diem nurse at a hospital? That way you could still stay licensed and up to date with the current nursing practices.

Good luck, and what a great opportunity you have! Your kids are only little once, and it goes by way too fast.

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I will be totally honest with you. From my own perspective.

I worked many years in child care then went to college for several years.

Once I married this husband and moved to this town I worked as a nanny for 3 1/2 years for two families, one mom brought her son over each day to the other family's home. One was the department head of the college of nursing and the other was one of her tenured professors.

Then I worked in the field of Developmental Disabilities. In group homes, work shops, the community in their own homes, with married couples, single parents, children, etc...many different settings.

There have been odd jobs in there too but for the most part that was my brief work history.

I can honestly say I hate staying at home all day. It is not fulfilling, it is frustrating and annoying. The house is never clean like it was when no one was home all day making messes. The dishes never get completely done, the carpet needs to be cleaned every other week, i do not get any time to sew or do scrapbooking, nothing is ever completed or finished for more than 5 minutes.

I miss adult conversations that are about life topics. Talking about work things or school lectures. I miss being told I am smart and funny and that everyone wants to be around me. I get tired of being unappreciated and ignored. I miss having friends that are just "my" friends. Who chose to be around me because they like my personality. Those warm fuzzies that make us feel good inside about ourselves.

I think that if you love your calling in life that you should consider changing back to a job similar, if not the same job, as you were doing before. You said you loved it until this new job.

I know that you may totally enjoy the time at home but it does get boring very quickly. Your children will be in school all day and will not be there. Even the youngest will be old enough for a pre-school program at 3 yrs old. Then she will be in Pre-k at 4. In my area those are both full day 5 days per week programs. Even Head Start was 8-2 5 days per week.

I think if you want to stop working and never return to nursing then it may be just what you need to do.

If you truly love being a nurse and will miss it terribly then stay being a nurse but change to a different job that you will love again.

Even if you stay working for the next year change jobs of possible. You sound like you really don't like it.

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I think there are still many reasons to be a SAHM when the kids are in school. First, you can volunteer at the school. Second, you can use that time to do housework and errands so that when they aren't in school, you can focus on them.

Since you are in a field where you HAVE to keep up, maybe you could do some volunteer or part time work when the kids are in school. You could look around for someone who needs part time in-home health care or something similar. There are lots of things you can do with an RN license. Have you thought about being a school nurse?

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It's a personal and different decision for everyone. My only advice is to see if you can't go part time with nursing and ease into it - taking it a little bit at a time. If you enjoy being home vs. work more, then go full time SAHM. If not, you have still kept the professional side going long enough to get back in full time. Best of luck. Such a tough decision, but a great option to have :)

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Hi A.,

if you decide to stay home, make sure you work a few hours every now and then to keep up your licensing/credentials/ceu hours, etc. that way in a few years you can go right back in like if you never left. =)

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I think the top thing to consider is....how do you feel fulfilled?
There are women (and men) that are just built to stay at home and raise their kids. That's what they love to do and it makes them happy, overall.

There are people - like me - that could not do it. Period. I need a job to be successful at to make me feel fulfilled. I know that about myself.
Heck, I even found both of my maternity leaves miserable becuase I couldn't stand doing only baby stuff all day.

So look at that first. You've always worked. You (used to, at least) love your job and it's what you wanted to do. Very few people find that in life. I would suggest embracing that before you drop it all.

Other question...there has to be more to your hubby's desire for you to stay home, particularly with both kids in school. Is it $$? Is he threatened by your success? Does he wish the house was cleaner, etc...?
It just seems strange to me that now, when the kids aren't going to be there for most of the day, he's interested in you staying at home.

Good luck, in whatever you choose!

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my kids start full time school thsi fall.. kinder and first. I have been home for 5 years.. it has absolutely positively been the best decision for me to be home. ( I actually work 2 flexible days per week) but I am mostly home.

once kids are in school... (7 hour days) you have to have before and after care .. so the poor kids are at school for a long long tiring day.

school is only 180 days.. most full itme folks work 240 days a year.. so there are weeks of childcare that is needed..(unless your boss gives you 10 weeks of summer vacation)

I want my kids to have a childhood.. to go to beaches, parks, picnics.. I do not want my kids stuck in latchkey from 7am to 5 pm every day and then in a summer day camp all summer.. sound like a pretty lousy childhoold.
As a nurse I would look at some part time work options.. there are many.. part time 2 or 3 days per week.. is the best life..

I love my 2 day a week job.. I will probably work 3 or 4 days a week once the kids are in school.. but I still want a day for grocery shoppping errands and chores so I dont have to drag kids around all weekend doing boring errands.

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Since you asked if there was any reason to be a SAHM mom after they went to school...... I just wanted to add that I wish I could be at home when my daughter (who just entered Jr High) got home from school. This is a time of HUGE changes for her. she pulled away a bit in 5th and 6th and is coming back to wanting more interaction now.

We restructured our evenings so now there is NOTHING except family and homework. No extra-curricular stuff after 6pm. That gives us time. We started doing Yoga together and working on meditation.

I think if I was a SAHM though - when she was at school I would go NUTS. But I would LOVE to be off by 3pm.

Also - I was a WAHM for several years with project based work (so I could do it whenever I wanted). I got REALLY involved in volunteering at her school. I met all her friends and their parents. I knew all the teachers. It is a FABULOUS way to get TONS of info and have the inside scoop to what she's doing without seeming obvious. Just by being at the school or going on a field trip you can observe your kid or their friends or whatever and I really miss that as well.

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Hey! My husband says the same thing about my potentially quitting my job. I really don't know that his life has changed a lot given that he does not do much around the house during week, but his job is pretty intense and I think the extra brain power worrying about covering some of the bases just wears on him. If his mom stayed home, that might also be in the mix. My neighbor is a nurse and stayed home with her kids for about 14 years, until the youngest was late in elementary school and the oldest was off to college. She did just enough nursing and trainings to keep up her license and went back before it would totally lapse due to limited hours (we are also in SC). You might just look at what it would take to keep it up, or see if there is something else that you could do to keep your hand in the game, but not have so much time. A good friend of mine who is also a nurse works for a home health group one weekend a month and it is enough to bring in a little extra money and keep that side of her active while her kids are small. You could also look into school nursing, too, particularly as the kids get older.

Being a SAHM is very demanding. Make sure that you do build in that adult / hobby / whatever time so that you don't lose your sense of self!

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If you are going to be SAHM, then you will need to learn to get by on just your husband's income.

I would suggest you take the money you net (after tax and expense) and invest it in high dividend stocks. Then when you are no longer employed, you will be living on what you got ready to live on (your husband's income). The dividends your investment bring in will be very welcome. There are lots of reliable stocks earning over 8%. $50K at 10% will give you $5000 per year for extra income or nice vacations or what ever you need it for.

I enjoyed staying home with our kids. My wife enjoyed staying home with our kids. My wife went out and got a job when our kids didn't need her every attention. (She's not one to sit and do nothing.) After the kids left home for college and marriage she really got in to her job. Now she has received a couple of promotions and is very happy doing that.

Good luck with your choice and your family.

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It gets hard kids can take a lot out of you espically when they need 24/7. Would you be able to afford a mothers day out program. Who could watch the kids durring the day. There are going to be times you dont want to deal with a preschooler while dealing with say the gyno. Asking him questions and keeping your little one from opening the cabinets is hard! Also there development in skills. Are you going to teach them abc, shapes and colors,numbers??? Because there is that pressure too. I feel Gods intention for us (idealy) would be for the husband to provide and the mother to stay at home. I understand others view this as outdated and are very offended by this. But if you ever study mens behavior and how they respond when they are taking of there family in this way or out of a job. Its amazing what men think and feel in the two different situations. Can you afford to keep up you licens? Will you have to start school all over again to become something else. I remember when my mom went back to work. I was 8 and developed food allergies. She always said she felt it was due to me being stressed about her gone. I think I thought we were in finincial trouble and did not understand why she was gone. Her part time job that should have allowed her to be off work at noon ended up with her being at work till five or six. I had older brothers but 8 yrs old at home alone for several hrs after having a mom stay at home. I know which I felt more loved.

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Well, yes, sometimes I do miss the office interaction, the adult conversation, etc. I will suggest that you still have a plan for you to get some down time without the kids, to see your friends, to go on a date with DH. I think he also needs to understand that you will be wearing the mom hat all day so when he comes home, he needs to step up, IMO. And have clear expectations about what will be done during the day. I take care of all the cleaning, the kid care, freelance some, wait on the cable guy, etc. I'm always the one to pick the kids up, drop them off, etc. When DH was getting grumpy about the dishes or whatever, I started writing down my day - every potty break (mostly for DD), every hairball, every charity phone call...even the times DH called me. He's stopped hassling me about my day. Friend of mine is a SAHD and they agree that he will do home repairs, kid care and always get a load of dishes done. Whatever works for you.

I can't speak about the RN part - I'm freelancing in part to not be too far out of touch in my field, but RN may not be something you can keep up with in the same way. But you might find a home health/hospice gig during the school day? Maybe visit patients at home? My grandmother hired a nurses aid to come help her 2x a week with my grandfather when he was bedridden. She could go to the store knowing that he was taken care of.

Frankly, there's so much that you don't know you don't know til you get there. I would look for a Meet Up or other kid activities and get out at least once a week with the little one. Find things to do. For both your sakes. And it's not permanent. You can go, "You know, DH, this doesn't work for me. I want to work, so let's see if there's a way to meet in the middle." My friend who is a SAHD is in part because she makes a decent salary and she readily admits that she would go stir crazy. It works well for them that he stays home. Don't let less stress on DH translate into a bad time for you. If it doesn't work out for you to be the one home, check into a PT nanny. When DH and I both worked FT, the kids were in before and after care at the school.

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It was kind of depressing for me when I first quit my job to stay at home with my kids. I missed the adult company and my feeling of being an active participant in the outside world. I had to find a life for myself in my new role, which I eventually did, usually by being involved in my kids' schools.

You can't predict the future -- if you can afford it and both you and your husband want to do it, then quit your job and stay home.

But reading below -- why not work part time? It seems like the best of both worlds.

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It doesn't have to be all or nothing-- one of the middle ground options might be perfect for you. Nursing is SO flexible-- there are so many part -time and weekend package options! I bet something where you worked 1 or 2 shifts a week or one weekend a month would let you keep you're training and certification up-to-date, get you out of the house often enough to stay sane AND let you devote most of your time to home/family

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I don't think anyone here can really help you make your decision. Being a SAHM is for some people, and not for others. A happy mom is best mom, period. You may just have to try it to see how it feels to you.

I decided to never be a SAHM because financial independence (among other things) has always been very important to me. Whatever happens in life and to your marriage, if you have your money, you will always fall on your feet. Think about it. Good luck!

This is an age old debate it seems. I am not the SAHM type and would rather balance work and home life. Being at home all day every day with kids would drive me nuts. I wouldn't be any good to my kids. Plus I like the financial comfort of having two incomes, which allows more opportunity for other things with our family. This is only a decision you can make, but the different opinions is always worth examining.

I've been a working mom and a stay at home mom. I worked full time up until my son was 2 years old. I can honestly say that I do miss working, but not the stress of the job. I worked in the Mental health field, and it was very stressful, as well as emotionally draining. To be able to stay at home with my son, and watch him grow has been the most rewarding and challenging thing for me. Now that he will be in 3rd grade, I have considered going back to the working world, but will start off part-time.

Staying at home does come in handy, especially when your child is sick or needs to go to appointments. Also, when planning a vacation, it is much easier to just have to work around one job then two. Having visits from my parents or anyone else, enables me to have them come at any time, due to the fact that I am always home.

For me, I would tell you that you do need to find an outlet for yourself if you plan to become a SAHM. I have taken to writing and photography. Those two things have become so important to me, as well as to my own sanity! Also, it is important for you to not lose your own identity. Make sure to take time out for yourself, and friendships.

My mother is a nurse, and I can tell you for her, it is like riding a bike. If you are worried about having your skills and training slipping due to staying at home, you could always work on a weekend here and there, or volunteer, etc. You won't lose everything you learned.
Good luck in all of your decisions!

I have been a SAHM since oct 2009 however long that is and I am ready to have my life back again. I agree with Gamma G 100% it is very frustrating especially if you do not have a supportive husband that will help you with the kids, cook, and clean. The only time I have to myself is for about 3 hours after the kids go to bed and even then I have to workout, clean for the next day, attempt to take a shower but talk myself out of it.
On the other hand, I love being with my kids when they are little. I would not want someone else to raise them. I don't want to them watching spongebob (they are 2 and 3), listening to adult music, hearing profanity, learning bad behaviors from other children. But they are very sheltered here with me all day long. We pretty much go to the park once or twice a week and the grocery store and we are in the house all day other than that. I have to keep them inside because we just moved to the ghetto last month and if I take them outside I have a ton of kids trying to come in my house and steal their toys. sorry tangent.
To put it in a nutshell if you are going top have any degree of help, stay with them. If it is just mommy against the world-don't!