Why Does Everythng Have to Be So Hard?

Maybe it is just Pissy Husband Week/Month. I know my normally happy go lucky husband has been nitpicking us into arguments the last few days. I for one will be glad when he gets done creating mountains out of molehills.

Adult life is much more difficult than being a kiddo, but I think you hit the nail on the head when you said he just needs to put on his big boy pants.

I think all of us go through this at some point. It seems like you guys do just work and stay home. Does he have any fun hobbies? How old are the kids? Can you do a "fun" family activity once a week? Like we do Family Game Night on Wednesdays and every other Friday that our kids are not with our ex's, we have Family Movie Night where we rent a family movie from Redbox and eat pizza and salad and just hang out. Do you put the kids to bed before 8pm so you and he can have some couple time together? We have done that for YEARS. Our kids are now 16, 13 and 10 and they are showered and in their rooms at 8pm. They don't have to go to bed, but they have to stay in there. They will read, color, draw, listen to music and then go to sleep on their own. This gives us time to talk, watch tv or do whatever before we actually go to bed. So maybe you can just add a few "fun" things to do as a family and as a couple. Try to bring some excitement back to your relationship. Life is hard but its in our power to be happy. Good luck!!!

Life is hard, espeically life as an adult. That's why we're told as children to enjoy our childhood and not wish to grow up so fast. Because we're adults a lot longer in life than we are a child.

I had a professor in college tell me to enjoy my four years there, because once I got out into the real world, life would pass by very quickly. I always remembered what he said, but like most people, you're think, "Really?" Because at that point in your life, you can't imagine that life can just whip by or that it can be harder than it is right now (studying, worrying about grades, boy/girlfriend problems, making sure you have enough money to pay for school/groceries/your rent, etc.). But yeah, being single and working isn't so bad, but once you get married and have kids and the kids start growing up and getting involved and the calendar's full of appts and games and practices and--oh boy! Suddenly, January is Febuary and then it's April and you missed March completely! LOL

You have to just acknowledge the fact that life does move on--sometimes fast, sometimes slow--and that there are tests and obligations and stresses that life throws at you. They are usually for you to learn and grow from. Everything we experience in life is a way for us to grow and mature. It is up to us to see the lesson for what it is and what it is teaching us. Perhaps your husband has a "lesson" he needs to learn or some aspect of his personality/character he needs to look at or further delve into or he needs to sit and look at his life, see what he's all accomplished, figure out what it is he wants to do/achieve in life, and then look to see what he has done and where he needs to go. And that analysis should include both you and the children in his plans as well.

I agree about having his testosterone checked, but did want to add that this time of year. The colder months tend to get to everyone, the gloom can just bring even the cheeriest of people down.

Then again, he might be saying in man language, that he would like a little 'more' out of life. Maybe more one on one time with you, maybe going to the movies out to eat, a walk in the park. Things for you and him that are separate from the family as a unit. Maybe he needs more guy time, the list can be long. Talk to him.

This is from way out in left field, but has he had his testosterone levels checked?

I'm wondering if something is going on with him physically/mentally?

I mean yeah, real life is drudgery at many points. But we all have to figure out how to find our own joy in it.

Good luck - hope you can get it figured out.

It's true that a lot of life is hard and frustrating. Especially when you have little kids. The routine you described seems to be what life mostly consists of when you have a family.

But there should be some joy in that routine. He sounds like he might be a little depressed, if he is feeling that little joy in life. My husband was kind of depressed when the kids were little, because he was in a job that was just too high-pressure for his personality. He was always kind of negative and glass half-empty. I remember saying to friends that if we won the lottery he would find a way to say something negative about it. He got a lot better when he finally switched jobs, to something that was much more suited to his personality.

Your husband won't go to counseling, and counseling isn't usually "fun" anyway, so that's probably not what he needs. "Experts" are recommending more date nights: weekly date nights are preferable.

For me, now that I'm done with kids, I am wondering more about the purpose of life than ever before. It can be quite the shock when you realize suddenly that that part of your life is all over.

I have nothing but empathy for you and what you're doing by raising a family and caring for a husband. It is difficult, at best.

Try to keep your heart light-it is impossible to imagine that you are living the best days of your life and they are fleeting. Someday you will long for what you currently have. I am not suggesting that you are not grateful in every way-I'm just saying-what you have is really good-because you are making it that way. God bless you!

okay, what about bundling up the kids & taking them to the 100 Acre Wood Road Rally next weekend?

I'm not really a fan of racing, but the whole "atmosphere" of this race is just a blast! Been going for years, & I actually thoroughly enjoy watching the crowd + my son/his friends. We've attended in snow, ice, rain, & balmy weather....& I'll take it all. There's just something fun about standing in the middle of the woods & watching cars fly by....going as fast as they can. :)

This racing event is something right there in your neck of the woods. It's social, it's a great chance to pack a picnic lunch, & it's a great way to spend the day in the woods. The kids have a blast playing with nature (& the toys you take), & the adults can have a great time either "people watching" or meeting new/different people. Perhaps a breath of fresh air would help your husband!

& with that thought in mind, you have so many nature-related options around you. Winter months provide a great opportunity to see your surroundings in a new light. From Elephant Rocks to even the St Louis Zoo, winter can bring excellent opportunities for breaking out of your shell. & most of these choices require very little $$.

Sooo, I guess the question is: would any of this help with your husband's angst? I know that you've posted about issues thru the years. I know that you are continually fighting a battle with his attitude towards both you & the kids. & I also know it seems as if you're fighting this fight....solo. Life sucks when it seems as if you're on your own within a relationship. I wish you Peace & Happiness!

It gets hard and sometimes we look at the Huge picture instead of some of the smaller ones. The huge picture is great at times, but sometimes gets us down becuase we feel trapped.

I deas on going out- do you have friends with kids , maybe you can trade sitting?You go out one weekend and they go out the next. Do this once a month or so.

Vacations are awesome.. they let you get back to ground zero (so to speak) yes, you come back and it is daily life agian, but you have a chance to build up the build up the teflon.. and things that bother you today will roll off.. But it has to be the right type of vacation for you and your family. Which means maybe a family member takes the kids for a weekend, so you and hubby can get some time in, or maybe it means Camping for the week or what ever work for you. I know that things get rough in our house with out camping in the summers, that is our AHhhh it is not much, but it is away from the city and less comottion lets us recharge.

You have to find what will work for your family. I know that laugher is very powerful.. Read something funny, get the break..

Good luck

I haven't read all of the responses, but I totally sympathize with him. This economy sucks! No matter how hard I try something is always slapping me in the face. He probably is in a bit of the same boat. Right now for the ones without a savings and living paycheck to paycheck, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. We don't see things getting better or easier & have no clue when /if we will ever break even let alone get ahead. & yes, that leads to total frustration when something as simple as setting up a router does not go as it should. Right now I am doing acupunture to keep me from losing it, but that too costs money which of course nobody has right now. This economy is a joke & even the people that have done everything the "right way" are feeling the consequences. So, if you are ones that started out even a little bit backwards you are screwed. I'm usually a fighter & an "as long as I don't give up it will all work out person" but I am losing the ability to believe it. I get a raise, my house payment went up more than my raise beause the house taxes went up because they said the value went up...um, I talked to the bank today & they believe my house is worth less than what I paid for it almost 15 yrs ago!!! The assessor's office believes it's worth $25k more...

Anyways...not to dwell on my b.s. just using examples of what has gotten me into the same funk...

Good luck...I hope it all works out in time!

I, too feel like that alot. One of my favorite sayings anymore is "Nothing is easy anymore." and I feel like that. Electronics are supposed to make our lives easier, and they do WHEN THEY WORK. When they don't, it makes life a frustrating nightmare!

I would imagine that things are stressful for hubby at work, and then he comes home and starts fiddling with the internet thing, and more frustration. Some days it just seems like nothing is going right, nothing is easy and the frustration level is through the roof.

I would suggest at the VERY LEAST a date night filled with anything your hubby wants/likes to do. Get a sitter, and get out of the house and be sure you don't get home until the kids are fast asleep. Then, let him sleep in the next morning and fix a big family breakfast.

It's amazing how just one night out with no stress, no kids, just fun and down time can rejuvenate us.

He sounds fine, but tired with the routine of life with young kids..it's temporary and can be fixed with a fun night on the town or lunch with his wife!! I bet that would help. Plan something fun for just you two. OR get him to go out with his buddies. I was going through something similar a couple weeks back and it really helps to make new plans and try new things. Maybe a class you can take together that would be fun for both of you? Wine-tasting one afternoon. Not sure, I know it's a pain to get a sitter and all, but it sounds like he needs to mix it up.

As far as date ideas....last year my husband and I started a coffee date...we go up to our local coffee shop on Wed nights from 6:30-8 (after dinner). Our son goes to a neighbors house. Then on the week-ends we recriprocate and have the neighbor kids over at some point so that their parents get a break. The cost of our date night is $6. So you can totally get creative here and money will not be a barrier.

We have also had date nights to the library - where our library has a little program for kids like 1 hour then my husband and I find an enclave and sit and talk afterwards our family browses for books.

How about taking your kids to a park and you and your husband sit and talk while they play.

Sometimes life can just get you done...figure out if there are some things that you can stop doing for a period of time to free up some time.

Can your husband just take a day of work and spend it doing somethign he would enjoy. Or how about on the weekend can he get together with a friend...watch a game, have a beer, etc. This is also a good outlet for him.

I have been there; usually when I feel that way, it's during a rough patch and for me it can be triggered by not getting enough sleep.

See if you can get together with another family with little kids, and have dinner at their place or yours; some simple food (spaghetti is cheap! :), and let the kids play while you guys enjoy some adult socialization. If you do it at your house, and he's home, then he'll be there, and can't really say "no". Try to set up similar happy events like this, and don't give him the option to say no.

Try to listen, and encourage, but don't nag (I know you're probably not). Let him know you're concerned about him, and that you want to see him be happy and enjoy life, because he deserves that.

If you can, if you know any of his friends, take one of the ones you know and trust aside, and let them know your concerns, and that you are hoping that that friend can be listening.

You can also call his doctor and see if there's any suggestions from that front.

For date night, see if you can trade with another family for babysitting.

I second the idea that he may need a hobby -- call it whatever you like, he may need something of his OWN that is not related in any way to work, kids, house, or you. Especially with kids who are not yet running you ragged going from practices to recitals to whatever, he can indeed make time for something of his own. What did he used to like when he was younger? Playing a sport? There are adult leagues and classes; try recreation centers or websites for local leagues. Is he artistic? Local rec centers again, or local arts centers. Good with cars? Maybe he would like to joiin a car restoration group or get out to car shows just to look. Likes the outdoors? Family hiking can be fun but limited with little ones; create days out where another family goes so he and another adult can go off for a few hours of hiking/walking while the other two spouses and kids walk a bit then peel off for a playground or historic site, whatever. Used to play an instrument? There are town bands of all kinds. Does he have any interest in history? Days out at historic sites, bringing things for the kids to do.

Weekends, don't let chores and "honey do" lists eat him (or you!) alive. Look for local events and GO to them. Chores can wait.

If he remains so gloomy that he won't even try to pursue an interest, that can be a warning sign of depression, so would he be willing to be tested for that?

My husband has always, always played in bands (he plays tuba so it's not rock--he plays in two different concert bands). Two nights out a week rehearsing and concerts to play. It feeds his soul, keeps his skills up and has given him his OWN circle of adult friends with a shared interest. It's not about how good he is at his job, or what his kid's been doing, or how the house is faring. It's about him, his interest and his friends who do it with him. It really truly is a huge part of his personality and I encourage it with all my heart. I hope your husband can find something like that.

One other quick thought -- is it possible that he does not really communicate to you what is going on at work? He may be under pressure there, being criticized or having a project with problems, etc., and he may not be telliing you about it (or not telliing you how stressed he really feels). You might want to consider whether to go into that with him.

I would hope any husband would be touched to have his wife worry about him as you are worrying. I hope things improve.

I think ALL of us have made that statement sometime in our lives.

We live in a broken world. You need a purpose bigger than yourselves.
For us, it's God and his work through our church. It keeps us moving forward. There are kids to teach, elderly to cheer, young people to encourage. To bind up the broken hearted, to set the captives free!
A word to the wise and salve to the soul.

It's a reason to fix that computer, to preserver (I've got handouts to print). It's a reason to stay married, to preserver. To go beyond what you think, to take your efforts to the next step even though it is difficult. To get up the next morning. To appreciate what you have. To find a new perspective.

Yes, it makes you busier. It seems like it makes more stress. But don't let it fool you. We were born to a higher purpose than head down and eyes to our own circumstances.

Find your calling together. My H and I teach Sunday School together. We have learned to appreciate each other in whole new ways.
Things still annoy us. Some days are just one step forward and two backward. But having a higher purpose can get us through those times.

I didn't read the other responses, but just wanted to say that I know my hubby and I have each said that a time or two. Do I actually hate my life? NO. But after a loooong day with the kids when things just haven't gone well and I haven't been out of the house in literally 2 weeks...then I would probably answer yes.

As far as qutting your job to stay home being less stress on the household...I have found this to be quite the opposite! My house it 10x messier now that the kiddos and I are home allll day. (I could clean until my fingers bleed...but my 2 and 1 year old can undo all my hard work in record speed). And since I make less than half as much as I used to, the financial burden adds to the stress.

Just wanted to show you that the grass isn't greener on the other side. No matter what kind of living situation you have...I think ALL adults have this 'is this all there is to life?' moment at one point or another.

Find something NEW to focus on, to give you something to talk about, to give you goals to hit. Sure, the 'up' may not last forever until real life hits again...but then onto the next challenge. I agree with the Big Boy pants...you can't change your situation, only how you react to it.

Sometimes all it takes is a little time to. Maybe he is going through something funky and just needs a little time to work it out in his head. Part of growing as a person.

Good luck...life can suck...but it can also be pretty great...I'm sure you guys will pull through the rut!

Hobbies! It's easy to see life as and endless grind when the kids are young. Get up, go to work, come home, have dinner, do chores and routines, put kids to bed, watch TV/read, go to bed, repeat. Again. And again.

As your kids get older, things will naturally get more chaotic and you'll look back on these days and reminisce about how simple things were ;-). Our kids are all school age (1st grade through high school) and that alone keeps us busy - I do PTA and teach Sunday school, my husband coaches soccer and those activities force us to get out and do something besides work and parent, lets us work with and hang with other parents, etc. I'm part of a working mom group that gets together one evening a month and from that, I have made some great friends who get me to do things like take up jogging, train for 5K races, sign up for a long-distance charity bike ride. It's really great to have something that I do for myself and get to share that with other women, who motivate and inspire me. I also really love my second job, which is teaching and tutoring SAT prep. It keeps my mind sharp and it's fun to work with high school kids who are older than my own kids. Just something different.

Anyway...sounds like your husband needs to find something to do that's relaxing or invigorating and just for him, and feel free to allow yourself that privilege too, we all need this! I'm an extrovert, so being around other people energizes me. If he's also an extrovert (I'm guessing not from what you write of him but who knows?) then joining a group might be just what he needs - maybe he can learn to coach your oldest son's sport, or if he's a numbers guy at work volunteer to be the little league treasurer, or just find a group of guys to play basketball or golf with, or join a softball team, or get in on a weekly poker game or bowling league. If he's an introvert, then he gets energy from time alone - have him find something he wants to pursue on his own - the driving range, running, swimming, music, reading, etc. My old boss learned how to play saxophone at age 50, my brother-in-law saves his sanity by swimming 3 hours a week, my husband goes fishing and rides a dirtbike alone.

If you can catch him in a good mood, try to get him to agree that you'll both try something new and put a deadline on it, then get out and do it! Life is much more enjoyable when you have a hobby to look forward to!

I feel like my husband and I can alternate feeling like this... Not so much anymore bc our kids are older but when they were young and my husband was working long hours etc. He's good about recognizing when he needs to go to the gym though. That really helps him. I wouldn't be too concerned unless this goes on for a while. I seriously have a great life but still feel like he does sometimes when things start to pile on. My life is easier than many mothers have it but still harder than when I wasn't a mother! I tend to blow up vs go take care of myself so sometimes I think my husband has made me go. I would just make your husband go somewhere. Or see if you can set up a golf date for him. I got crabby this weekend bc it seems like everyone else i know was going out and I was the one home watching everyone and my own kids all the time. I was sick of the routine and going a bit stir crazy. So I finally went to see a movie. Was gone 2 hours but it helped reset everything for me. Sounds like you don't want to go on a spending spree but can afford a movie or for him to go get some drinks with a friend etc. Even a couple of hours can really help de-stress someone. Don't underestimate what even a short amount of time can do.

It's great to be at home doing the family thing, but it sounds like you are doing too much of that. The kids need to be out doing there own things more than an hour a week and so do you and your husband. Also, there are tons of no cost and low cost things for families to do outside the home. Google "free family outings" and you will find hundreds! I make sure we get out and do something fun outside the home every day, even if it is for just an hour.

Yes, a lot of what you're describing is normal. Life gets hard, it gets monotonous and sometimes just having FUN ends up seeming like another chore on the never ending to do list.
Re date night, it doesn't need to cost much, it can even be free. Trading babysitting with another couple costs nothing (and it's usually fun for the kids.) We have done this in the past. Having the kids spend the night at grandma's is another great idea, if that's an option.
The important thing is to carve out some time together, without the kids. It doesn't need to be dinner and a movie. One of our favorite things to do is to take our dog on a nice long trail hike. We also enjoy just having a few beers at a local pub. If you truly can't get out of the house then get a nice bottle of wine and rent a great movie, something funny, and watch it after the kids go to bed. Laughing is a GREAT stress release.
And of course, so is SEX! Maybe he just needs to get laid, you know? I know that when it's been too long we both get wound up and touchy and cranky. Something as simple as a nice back rub (which progresses into something more) can make all the difference :-)

I think BeenThere has some wise thoughts on the issues you are having. You posted not long ago regarding the existence of God, and that your husband is an atheist, correct? If there is no God, then it naturally leads to people wondering what the purpose of life is.... is this it? And then we die?

It is a very empty existence.
And yes, people naturally try to fill that void. Most people try to fill it with "busyness". Some people try to fill it with "searching". For some, it just is an empty hole that eats away and leads them into depression.

figure out a way to have some fun regualrly (monthly or weekly) ask some friends about trading off for sitter nights. maybe they go out on tuesdays and you do wed or they go out the first fri of every month and you do satudays,...thats only if you have no family around that you can talk into it

if you get to go out weekly maybe find something fun, bowling, shooting pool, playing soccer in a league..all of those things have byob nights so you can have some fun

if not atleast look up something monthly to do to have fun. bowling and beer is cheap and fun. find a couple and play board games together? relive your past and play flip cup? (obviously you'd have to taxi home or sleep at the friends or vice versa)

i want to find an adults sports league because the winter has M. bummed

ETA if you CANT get a sitter or trade off then do fun adults things when the kids go to bed. playstrip poker, play some fun drinking game, play soccer in the back yard ,do something that makes you feel like an adult again and not J. a parent

I think everyone gets into a rut sometimes and there can be a lot of factors that can bring us down.
Winter blues (tends to get better in the spring).
Stress at work (that can be a hard one to work around)
Same thing day in and day out - and not much money to anything different about it.
A hobby is a good idea.
Does he like to putter around in the garage?
Would he like to start a small garden?
Does he want to do something more social (with 'the guys')?
You can bowl year round - golf can be a bit seasonal.
Or maybe taking a class about something that interests him might be good.
Something that would help at work is ok but it's also ok to take anything that piques his interest - yoga, cooking, basket weaving (you'd be surprised how relaxing it is), public speaking, photography, ice skating, what ever.
See what classes are available in your local adult education programs or community colleges.

Coming from the perspective of someone who does not get to have one parent at home, a cleaning lady at all, and who does have multiple children in multiple activities multiple days of the week, I vote that he does need to put his big boy pants on. However, that does not mean life sucks. If so, then that would mean mine sucks even more than his. It is all in how you look at it and put things in perspective. He sounds like he might be depressed and, possibly, you are too if you agree with him and feel like "adult life sucks." You have the option to take action and make life NOT suck. What does that mean for you? For your family? Both my husband and I have interests outside of work and outside of the family. This gives us even more purpose in our lives. Now if I could only have a cleaning lady, my life would be that much better :)

It sounds like he may be going through some depression, whether that's due to hormonal factors, external factors or both. It could be as simple as SAD due to the long, dreary winter.

I don't think the problem lies with you (e.g., quitting your job is probably not going to solve it) - it lies with him.

Some of it is probably just the drudgery of the daily routine with kids and their constraints on couple time and social life, especially if money for babysitters is tight. However, the fact that he resists going out with his friends or spending extra time with you, and saying things like "I hate our lives," suggests to me that this is more than simple boredom or stress.

Is there anyone else you could enlist to help convince him to see a doctor? You know how sometimes your spouse is the last person you listen to...

Aside from any health issues that he may have, do try to find ways to break out of the rut and lighten things up. Others have had some great suggestions like babysitting swaps. Would he consider volunteer work for a couple of hours each weekend? Taking time to do something for those in need, and knowing you have made a difference, satisfies the soul in a way that nothing else can.

Good luck and I hope things improve soon.