October 17, 2009,
T.D. asks from Goodyear, AZ on October 12, 2009
Why Do Father's Forget Their Children from Previous Marriages?
Why do father's forget their children from previous marriages? We were married for a few years before we had our child. We divorced and both remarried and had other children. Our child is now a pre-teen, Dad never calls, is not involved with school, medical issues (doctor/dentist), never text or emails. Now he has stopped paying child support.
He and I are FB Friends, and all his "friends" tell him he is such a good dad. He post video's and pictures of the new child. All I want to do is share the truth with them, but it would just be worthless.
Why does he not care? Is it becuase dealing with him, he has to deal with me? Urg....
S.G. answers from Albuquerque on October 14, 2009
Hi T., I'm on the other side of this situation. My husband has a son from a previous marriage who lives with his mom three hours from us. My husband loves his son dearly but rarely calls and never visits. I have to remind him to call or ask when we're going out to see him, or he is coming to see us. (When he does come to see us I make all the plans or we would do nothing while he was here. I want the short time he spends with us to be special.) I try not to step on my husbands toes too much but do bring it to his attention. My husband does not intentionally "forget" about his son, it's just the kind of person he is. He is a bit emotionally detatched. I even have to remind him to say Hi to our girls when he gets home sometimes! As far as child support, I make out the check or it would never get there. Again my husband does not do this out of dislike for his son, he just doesn't think about it.
I think my husband only has the ability to see what is in front of him (me and the girls.) It's not fair or even okay, but that's the way it is and we cope with it. In order to cope with it we all have to play a role. This is the only way to make sure his son has a relationship with his dad and sisters. We do what we have to do for our kids.
Maybe you could send his new wife an email and talk to her about the situation. Maybe she would be willing to step up and help come up with a schedule where father and son could see eachother. As a step mom I imagine she would be happy for her kids to be able to know their brother better.
I just don't want you to protray your son's father badly in front of him because that too is not fair. He may have a great daddy who needs a little push.
Good luck with your situation.
1 mom found this helpful
W.E. answers from Phoenix on October 13, 2009
Hi My husband and I both have children from previous marriage and he is definately a part of all of our childrens lives (my husband) my ex husband has since passed away unfortunately. I think every man is different and I cannot say why your ex is acting this way but I am sorry for your sadness and obviously the hurt you feel for your pre-teen child. All I can think to suggest is that you let him know that this child needs him and longs to still be a part of his life as well. I am not sure what will "wake him up" But he is definately missing the boat on a precious relationship. In the meantime ... pray that your son or daughter can feel enough love and security from you and their step father to fill their cup in that if this ex husband does decide to be a father again it will just be icing on the cake and not your child's life breath. On the other hand child support ..... you should get that from him. That is the law and he cannot shirk that responsibility. So fight that. I wish you the best.
D.K. answers from Phoenix on October 14, 2009
my first advice would be to dump him as a Facebook friend! Why are you friends there but not anywhere else? And yes, you should point out that just because he has "new" children he doesn't get to neglect the "old" children. Next thing you should do is calmly yet firmly remind him of child support. The least he could do is help raise his son financially since he is AWOL physically and emotionally. If he doesn't respond, garnish his wages.
My biological father got a new family after my brother and I were adopted by family. It still hurts to this day but there isn't anything I can do to change it. Just make sure that your son knows it doesn't have anything to do with him but that his father just isn't mature enough to handle the situation.
C.M. answers from Phoenix on October 17, 2009
I have a friend who's on the opposite spectrum. The father has full custody and the mother is the one that is not part of the kids life. The father has tried to get involvement from the mother several times, but she when she does call and make promises, such as she "mailed his birthday present but it must have been lost in the mail", she falls through every time. He even went to go see her when she "claimed" to be dying, which turned into a fiasco(Long Story). Anyway, they have found that he is more emotionally stable when he doesn't have contact with his mother. Since the visit, they have cut off contact for his own benefit. He has two parents that love him and he is now old enough to understand that. If the other parent doesn't care enough to be involved in the child's life, but has another parent to fulfill that role, I think he will turn out just fine.
I would recommend deleting him from you FB list. If he has no interest in keeping in touch on his own with your son, then I would remove him so if he does want to know what's going on, he will need to contact you. And as far as child support, pursue it, even if you have to garnish his wages.
B.W. answers from Flagstaff on October 14, 2009
Personally, I never had to experience that, thank goodness. However, my mother-in-law was one of those children left behind. She told me how her father left the family, leaving the girls and taking the boy because that is who he wanted instead of them. She grew up with MAJOR father issues. To this day, she refers to her half-siblings as "His" kids. They were from his second marriage. He's dead now but I don't think she ever forgave him. She fortunately married my father-in-law who is a wonderful husband+. The point is that if your ex stops being involved with your child- he will lose. Unfortunately so will your child. My advice is to pick up the pieces and move on. You can't make him be involved if he doesn't want to. It reminds me pf a movie quote "You have to have a license to own a dog or drive a car but any @@#$$%% can be a father". Genetics don't guarantee anything. I wish I had a better answer for you.
M.S. answers from Tucson on October 13, 2009
I'm not sure why they "forget". Granted not all men are the same, but it is frustrating when then neglect their kids. My son is 12 going on 13 in Dec. My ex and I were engaged and he left me when I was 8.5 months pregnant. We had been together for three years before I was pregnant. He did not have anything to do with my son until he was 9. Then he visited with him twice and has been out of the picture again. He sends an email every summer that they will get together but never shows. I think it is better that if he will be out of the picture to remain quiet vs. getting my sons hopes up to meet and not show. My husband now of 8 years, he and I have had two girls, 6 mths and 3 yrs. My husband treats all 3 kids as his. He treats my son as his own and loves him just the same. He actually is jealous when the Bio daddy calls. The point is, don't fret about it.
The Bio daddy and I are FB friends too. I think he uses it as a tool to see what is going on from the sidelines without getting involved. This is still upsetting to me but I know my husband is providing the love and male role model that my son will be okay. For your situation, have you asked him about his lack of involvement? I had sent an email to him to question his intentions and this way it is considered less threatening for me to ask in a non-confrontational situation and so he didn't have to deal with me so to speak. He had text me back saying he wanted to talk and would call me later but that never happened. But at least I called him on his behavior and was the bigger person, so that he knew what he was doing to my son.
However, in regards to the child support. I would pursue that, if he wants to jeopardize his relationship that's his own choice but he still needs to financially help. Good luck to you. I believe you have the right to feel frustrated but also he should be considerate of your son's feelings.