Stepmother Taking over Mother Role

I hate to say it, but I'm not seeing anything wrong with her behavior. You admit that you couldn't go - would you rather than no one went? Or you just wanted his dad to go? I think you should be happy that she cares about your son's education and future. There is nothing wrong with her making a suggestion. It's not like she's trying to lay down the law - it's only a suggestion. Granted you may have physical custody, but your husband is still entitled to speak to your son's teachers and there is nothing wrong or illegal about the teacher listening to the stepmom's suggestions. As long as the teacher is not giving out confidential information, then she is not doing anything wrong. I don't think your lawyer has the right to tell the teacher that she cannot talk to the step mom at all. I think all he can do is inform the school that you have physical custody and that the step mom has no legal right to any sort of confidential information. I really believe that you are overly sensitive about this, probably because of the dynamics between you and the stepmom. While I can totally understand that you probably hate this woman, you're going to have to learn to put your hatred in the background, at least while you are co-parenting your son.

"True Mother",

You are kidding yourself....better wake up a smell the coffee....your child's father has a new wife and clearly she WILL be a part of your child's life. If you want your child's life to be peaceful don't create a battle between your former husband's wife and yourself. It's not about YOU it is about the child.

If you don't like this, you MUST find a way to attend parent conferences. Most teachers will offer alternative times for working parents. Honestly, you sound very jealous and bittler. Forget about the new wife, concentrate on being a good mother.

Like it or not, your son's father has every right to include his wife in his child's life....what would happen to your child, if something should happen to you?

Also, if your former husband's new wife has time to make cookies or cupcakes for your child's class and you don't....you should thank her not resent her. Maybe even send over some cake mix and icing so they will be from both sides.

Blessings....

As a mom, I get what you are saying but a step parent IS a parent. Your son is blessed that she cares. Please try to not let your (justified) feelings towards her taint the relationship she has with your son...kids are fortunate to be loved by as many people as possible.

Make an appointment with your child's teacher(s) and the principal, make sure you give them a copy of your custody order. State plainly that it is fine if she wants to volunteer, help w/ a party, even ask questions but she is not his mother or a decision making party. Although, if you can get to a point where she can be your allie in doing what's best for your son (despite your personal feelings towards her) it is your son who will benefit....especially if his dad is not showing signs of being involved.

This may not be what you want to hear, but I believe in giving my honest opinion on this site. First off, you need to find a way to get past your anger for your son's sake. She did not end your marriage, your husband did when he choose her, and I understand how hurt and angry that makes you feel, but, you are letting that cloud things for you IMO. She is advocating for your son when you can't, being sure he gets a great education. That is a good thing, and the fact is, the more people in a child's life that love, care for, and fight for him, the better! Fact is, this woman is married to your son's father, that makes her his step mother, and step mothers, although not birth mothers, are real mothers to these kids when the kids are in their care. By hating her and putting your son in the middle of that, he is the only one who will end up getting hurt.

sorry....but I think you should be HAPPY that she is involved. She is going to most likely be a huge part of your son's life, and like her or not she is his step mother and SHOULD have a close relationship with your son. It sounds like you have the issue here and you need to get over it for your sons sake, I am not saying this to be mean. My oldest son has a step mother and I would rather him have a close relationship with her than not to, there is no limit on the capacity for love, one more person that cares for my kids is awesome in my book.

Without actually seeing her in action, I can't tell if she's just involved or trying to push you out. I've been to Open Houses ON MY OWN because I was the only one of the 4 who could attend. Did I do it to take over their mom's place? No. I did it because someone needed to be there. I've also gone with DH when his ex could not, because I truly do care about their education. If your ex has no opinion and she does maybe she's just expressing it because he is fine with it.

I suggest to resist the urge to march in and figuratively pee on the school to claim it for yourself. I think you should contact the teachers and explain that you were unable to go, here are your questions, can you meet with him/her another time, is there any way you can get the handouts for yourself, too? If you are also involved to the best of your abilities, then try not to sweat it. Try to think of it as meeting a new business partner. Make a good, professional impression.

I totally understand that you have additional circumstances (like ongoing legal trouble, her messing with your marriage to the ex) but if you want to be seen as a calm and rational person, you're going to just have to try to be calm and rational when speaking to teachers. Trust me, no one will take your "mom" place unless you abdicate that role.

If she has an overbearing personality, calmly teach your son to say, "I'll take that under consideration" or "No, thanks, I want to take forensics in the fall for my science class." Unless she marches in and changes his schedule for him, it's all talk. I have an aunt who is very overbearing but honestly a lot of it boils down to her being passionate about what she believes and many times she really does have the person's best interest at heart...but a terrible delivery.

You should also find out if there is anything like EdLine where you can follow up on your son's progress online without having to contact the teachers unless there's an issue. You'll see his classes, homework, any notes from the teacher, etc.

I was raised by a single mom with no CS so I get where you are. Hang in there.

I agree with DVMom. You need to be front and center with his teachers and schedule meetings with them. Nowadays you can call the classroom direct and send email directly to the teacher. Also, I know you say your relationship is not good with the EX but you do have your son together. I would be pretty aggressive with the communication and when the teacher replies back or you write to her/him/them CC your ex so he knows you are proactive and um you aren't going anywhere! Stand up for yourself. If you have custody retain it and assert yourself.

If it continues I would be sending a brief message to the girlfriend and CC your EX saying...thank you for your concern for my son, while I believe you have his best interest in mind, I am his mother and will make the decisions along with his father. If you have any further concerns regarding this matter please have (your ex's name) contact me to discuss it further....

NEVER HAVE THE CONVERSATION 1:1 WITH THIS WOMAN. The upbringing is between you and the Ex. Otherwise you make it a triangle and you want to limit the drama. You can only do that when you remove her from the equation when you are on top of things.

Have a discussion as one post said with the principal and teacher and that if this woman calls they know they are instructed to contact you or the Dad only.

Sorry this is happening to you.

At our school there are forms about who can pick up the child, and who has custody and such. I think you need to write to the school and attach the custody form and let them know in no uncertain terms that you are the custodial parent and that the new wife has no say over how YOUR child is raised. Better yet, have your lawyer put it on his letterhead. They have to follow the law and if I know anything, it is that schools are terrified to have costly lawsuits. Calling and talking does not count, do it in writing, have it stamped "received" by the front office if you drop if off, or send it "signature required" so they cannot say they never got it. I would be livid.

This post sounds much more about your need for control, your anger about how your marriage ended, and your dislike for your son's stepmother, than concern about your son. How is he doing in school? Is he doing OK, or are there serious issues?

If you have a good relationship with your son, where you communicate about his school work, his classes, and his goals, then her involvement should not be a problem. If you communicate with his teachers, request meetings with that fit with your schedule, and include your son in these discussions, then her involvement, again, should not be an issue.

His father should be the one communicating with the school, sure, but if he isn't willing or able to be involved in his son's schoolwork, and you are either unavailable or not communicating with your ex or his wife, then she doing nothing would be neglecting your son's needs.

True co-parenting of your son will not be possible until you wrap-up your legal battle, get over your anger, take responsibility for your part in all this, and focus on your son...

Ok Who has custody? Did you get a lawyer do set up visitation etc? You need this in writing. You need to have it that both have to agree to stuff. My ex and I had an agreement that my daughter cannot be taken out of the state or out of the county without both approval. You might want to try a short discussion with the principle and explain the step mom has no authority to make any decisions on your sons behalf. If you are not having a friendly relationship with the father you really must get a legal document outlining rights or it will only get worse.

It sounds like you are still smarting and insecure from the break up of your marriage (understandably!) but please try to separate the emotions.
You say "it was because of her that the marriage broke up." It's easy to blame the other woman but your husband should take that full responsibility, that was HIS choice.
Instead of worrying about how many meetings and how involved the step mom is, focus on what YOU can do to stay involved with your son's school and teachers.
Most teacher communicate daily with parents via email (not every parent every day obviously!) so this is a good way to check in and see how things are going in between report cards. You can always call and request a conference as well if you have particular concerns.
And get a copy of the school calendar so you know when important events are scheduled. Most of the important dates (like open house) are on the calendar when school starts. That way you can try to adjust your work schedule to attend as much as possible. And if sometimes you can't make it but she can, well so be it. You just keep doing the best you can, and be glad that she cares enough about him to attend and be involved.
You will always be your son's mother, and she will be his stepmother. That will never change.

Ultimately, your ex needs to put a stop to this but it doesn't sound like that will happen in your case. Can you meet with the teacher(s) yourself and express your concerns? Just explain the situation as best as you can and as a courtesy could they contact you if they ever have any questions or concerns regarding your child. To please honor your wishes for your child to override what the "stepmom" is trying to do. You have legal custody of your son, so I would think the school wouldn't have a problem honoring your requests. I've been where you are with 4 "stepmoms" that my daughter had. My ex is now on his 5th marriage. So yep, I completely understand. Stand your ground. But try for your own sanity, don't let what she is doing get under your skin. Your son will know who is really there for him.

This may not make me very popular, but have you talked to your ex-husband about this? Why aren't YOU talking to the teachers about his work? You may work evenings but you can schedule meetings with his teacher at other times if needed. Who is supervising him with his homework if you are at work at night?

I am not trying to be unsympathetic here, but I am speaking as the stepmom who cared a great deal about her stepsons but felt pushed to the side when it came to their schooling. I didn't have children at the time either (now I have a 4 year old daughter of my own) but often I felt like their mother wasn't doing enough to push them academically when they needed to be pushed. I only wanted to be able to advocate for them, especially when I felt their mom wasn't stepping up when she should have been. I didn't have to be their bio-mom to have an opinion - I just cared about them and their future. She kept their dad out of the loop when it came to conferences with the teachers and what kind of grades they were getting. The children who succeed the most in school are the children whose parents make their education a priority and are actively involved in their education. Sounds like that is all she is trying to do, so if you feel threatened by that somehow, maybe you should be the one having a talk with her or your ex. I would have liked to have been more involved in my stepsons education but their mother didn't appreciate me making her feel judged. Now the oldest one has graduated high school and has no plans to go to college or try to further his education in any way. The younger one talks about going into culinary arts but isn't applying himself in school now. My suggestion would be to either have a talk with her and your ex, or be in communication with your sons teachers and school more. Your life situation may have changed but that doesn't mean you can't still do all you can within your power now to make your son's education a priority.

Well, for one, you need to start acting like the "true mother". As many have suggested, you must get proactive with your sons school and schedule meetings with the teachers, be involved. You can call the school and find out if you can be informed of things ahead of time, volunteer during the day, join PTA whatever you need to do and schedule that with your work. I highly doubt it was "because of her" that the marriage broke up likely you were in a bad marriage with a bad person who made some bad choices and now here you are. But she's an overstepper and you're still feeling like a victim in all this, unfortunately there's no time or room for pity parties.

Ultimately, what it comes down to is this: are you more interested in being the mom or looking like one? The answer to that will dictate the outcome.

If I were you I would speak to my lawyer about the best way to handle the situation.

How old is your son? Is he old enough to see through some of these shenanigans? Is it possible that you're letting her rattle you too easily?

I divorced under much different circumstances than you. However, my ex did re-marry. IMHO the new wife was aggressive about taking over with my son, and it upset me greatly. I noticed, though, that as long as I fought her and her issues, they united together against me. But once things settled down on that front, they started in on each other and now they're divorced.

Give it time. And as I said, please check with your attorney on how to handle this, if for no other reason than you don't shoot yourself in the foot.

Good luck.

Open house is not the time to discuss education with the teacher it's when you get to meet the teacher and hear the classroom rules. Your husband has every right to be there and his wife is part of your sons life you should be happy that she wants to be involved. My oldest oes to his dads and no one in that house really cares about him, they take no interest in his school, sports, friends, etc I would love if his other family cared about him but at leas my hubby loves him like his own, helps him with school work, plays sports with him, cub scouts, etc

I have no advice really...just so sorry you are dealing with this! I think it was a good idea to call the school and make sure they knew you were the one with legal custody and not the step-mom, though I agree with previous poster that the father has the right to the info too.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this difficult situation!

Definitely get into writing how you want these things addressed, especially since you have custody. E-mail and cell phone contacts with you being primary is essential.

What you should also do is check the conference schedules each semester. Most schools will offer day slots after half-days as well as the evening slots. Sign up for those or request off-schedule conferences and that those be considered your son's official conferences. A good teacher will accommodate you on that.

I might also see about having this addressed in the custody agreement.

Call the school and make an appointment with your son's teacher. Have a conference. (Our conferences are not until Nov. and our sign ups are at Open House.)

You know, (and I'm sure you don't want to hear this...) a child can never really have "too many" people that love him or are concerned about his life.

Personally, I think you were out of line to call the school and tell them what you did. Your husband has every right to information about his academics and you should BOTH receive emails, etc.

Good luck!

In life we will all come in contact with these types of people. I had one in my life as well...I used to get so angry when the "new wife" would take over.

Right now the school is only seeing you as the jilted wife and jealous mother. They are viewing her as a concern "parent". This is what you do...
Schedule a meeting with the teachers and principal all at once for when you are available to discuss your son's achievements and milestones. Let them know that ONLY in case of an emergency, the step-mom is to be contacted. Have them review and put the custody order on file so they have no excuses. Ask to see all the documentation on your son and look to see if her name is written on any release forms. If it is, you can remind them of the consequences of violating confidentiality and if anything happens AFTER they have reviewed the custody order, threaten to go to the school board and that you will seek an attorney to see what your options are.

Worked for me.

I am a mom, but I'm not a stepmom so my input is one sided only. I don't know your son's age or the actual involvement the stepmom is taking. It's important that the school and teachers know that you are the custodial parent and stepmom does not have any authority to make any decisions. However, if she is contacting teachers with questions about his assignments that he is working on while at dad / stepmom's house for visitation time because there are questions about the assignment, dad or stepmom would contact the teachers just as you would if son was working on them at your home. You cannot dictate whether it's dad or stepmom doing that contacting, when he is at their house, you do not get to set the rules and may simply have to live with not liking them. It may be hard but try to appreciate that stepmom cares and is willing to be involved.

I think your hurting and no small wonder, the woman has taken over your role as wife and lover to your once husband. And it wasn't as if she came along 5 years later, she was part of the reason your marriage ended. because a marriage is always salvageable unless a 3rd party is involved. You have a right to be pissed and insecure. She didn't have any respect for your role as wife and it is highly unlikely she is not going to have any respect for your role as mother either. Your husband has no opinion because he allowed this woman to come between you and his marriage, so do you think he is going to care if she runs all over your role as mother. No, he is not. You can deal with this in the back ground passively and hope for the best, but there will be consequences for allowing her to get away with it. She will want to remove you from every role that you as mother should have. You will always be on the back burner. Unless your husband speaks up and it sounds like he is mute or just totally pussy whipped.
What you will have to do is not listen to half of the posts here because most of them are sms. First no one can say your feelings are invalid. Your first instinct is correct.Secondly you need to put on your big girls pants and have coffee with SM. you need to make it perfectly clear that she is the S T E P M O T H E R,,,,nothing more. You are their mother. And that her involvement is limited unless it is agreed upon by father and mother. It is not a blessing that the woman who helped in destroying you family is now trying to strip away your authority and role as mom. She doesn't know your children, and should not put her self in area where your input and experience are important. But you also need to make an initiative. You need to get the dates and times for important events in your childrens lives. Then you need to get in contact with your ex and the two of you should go to the meetings to make these decisions. SM should stay home unless invited by both of you. The children are a product of the relationship between you and ex..not you, ex and exs new partner, and she needs to realise that, respect that. She is not there take over the role of the mother the children already have but because Ex has decided he wants a relationship with her. But some SM have an all or none attitude and over step their boundaries.. You need to make it perfectly clear to her where those boundaries are..draw your line in the sand.

What I neglect to see in any of these reponses is, where are the fathers' in all this? Isn't it important for your child to have a father that acts in their child's best interest, thereby being a strong role-model for their child? And isn't allowing the step-mother to have control just enabling the father to not be responsible and involved? For example, if I send my daughter's father an email about scheduling, school events, doctors appointments, visitation or holidays, I see it as intrusion if it the step-mother replies, and more importantly, a lack of responsible parenting if her father does not reply. I see our child as our responsibility. I most certainly would not show up at her children's school conferences, so why should she at mine? I think the boundaries are those already set into law: medical, school, religious, visitation, and extra-curricular decisions should be between bio-parents, period. But if the step-parent is generous enough to make special times for your child, and it doesn't fall on your time, then lucky them, your child is blessed with a little extra-caring in their lives.