When Will It End???

Hi E.,
As parents we all deal with issues, and it seems to never end. I have three now: 7, 4, 2. And trust me, they can always find something to drive you crazy! LOL

I recommend the book 1-2-3 magic. The author is very realistic and parent supportive. You can also sign up for newsletters that discuss issues in more depth. On the website you can look up past issues.

www.parentmagic.com

This book has made all the difference in this house! I suggest reading the book entirely and then start using the techniques. Its a small book and easy read. Also, my mom is a occupational therapist with kids and the behavior team suggests this book.

Good luck!

E.,

It sound to me like you have given your power away to a 2 year old. Good for you for leaving the mall when he acts out. From reading your post it looks like Brody has learned "If I scream long enough I get what I want". That needs to stop. Get your husband to help you with this one. Brody needs a reality check. When mom says no, that's the end of it. If he throws a tantrum have your husband take Brody to the car and wait there until you are done shopping. If you're at home put him in his room and tell him that he can throw his tantrum in his room, you don't want to hear it in (insert room here).

It will be hard at first, but you need to reset the boundaries for Brody, they got lost along the way. Always let him know he's loved, no matter what, but his behavior is not acceptable at all, and he needs to change. Give him choices. Do you want to wear the blue shirt, or the green? If you want to watch a cartoon/TV then you have to get dressed first. No, Mommy won't do it for you you're a big boy now, you can do it yourself. Things like that. As I type this I keep thinking of Super Nanny. 1) It'll be on in about 30 mins, and 2) she has a lot of good advice for situations like yours.

Hope this helps,
Supportively,
Melissa

It won't end until you take back control. Rule #1 one I had to institute was NO TV until my son got dressed. If that doesn't work withhold everything in your arsenal. Given the severity of your son's behavior I would suggest a level Red which is NO TV, NO Treats, NO playdates, until he has a full day of cooperation and respect. Kids at 2 1/2 need instant rewards but keep them very small (one sticker or M&M or 20 min cartoon) for each feat of good behavior. Never give in to crying! Parenting Rule #1. Ignoring is a very good tool! When you feel up to talking offer him water to drink to calm him down. Also Rule #2, give one clear warning looking in the eyes and explain proper behavior if your son does not correct his behavior REMOVE him and take away whatever he may have been playing with. I've heard parents give the same tired warnings and threats over and over again. They mean nothing if you don't act after the 1st warning. Do these things and you really can put an end to this behaviour. I also recommend reading Toddler Taming by Dr. Green.

I had a little of this with my daughter. If I don't give her enough one on one time (playing what she wants to play) then she gets crabby again.

The most important thing in discipline, I believe, is consistency. If you state a consequence, you had better follow through. Otherwise, your credibility is shot.

I know that a tv is a nice crutch, but you might consider turning it off for a month...for everybody. We don't watch much tv here, and when I let my daughter watch a lot of tv (like more than one movie) she gets really crabby.

If you don't already, having a daily playtime with just the two of you would be great. Even better if you can play a designated 30 minutes (or two 15's) continuing after the baby comes. With him acting up like this now, you can pretty much assume that he'll act up a bit more after the baby arrives and he's getting even less attention. Positive attention and firm, loving discipline go a long way in shaping a child's behavior.

Good luck!

I second the idea to watch super nanny it is on tonight Wed late I think 8 or 9.

What it sounds like is that you have shown him routine If every time you go to the mall you give him candy out of the machine it is now a routine and he has more then the right to expect it (you have shown him it is routine just like he should expect every night that his teeth with be brushed) So I don't blame him that he throws a fit when all of a sudden he doesn't get one. So my suggestion would be to explain to him (he is old enough to understand) that he will not be getting a treat every time he goes to the mall from now on.

In our house we are very big into time out. in fact it is to the point where my daughter will do something wrong (she will be three in May) and she will put herself in timeout. We go off the the Super Nanny's idea of timeout lasting as long as they are old so our daughter is in time out for 2.5 minutes. I think it works great!

We have noticed with our boy (just turned one) is a little harder to discipline then our daughter so we have already started time outs with him (he gets put in his highchair for time outs and is starting to learn very quickly not to do certain things. So if you see this problem arising with your younger son I would suggest starting earlier with him.

And having your older son having to go out in his jammies is not really a punishment at all (he has won he doesn't have to get in his real clothes) Now to tell him that he is either leaving this house naked and cold or dressed and worm and then bringing him out in just his diaper with spare clothes in tow where it is cold (and no it is not too cold out to where this is mean it is just a short trip to the car!) might get him to understand the rules. Our daughter tried fighting now wearing her shows when we go out and it only took one trip to the car with the cold ground for her to be begging for her shoes back!

these are just some thoughts but I do suggest you start nipping this in the butt before you have another little one on your hands and don't give in anymore that is what they are looking for they thrive on inconsistency!! I know it is hard we have all been there but I know you can do it and remember it will get better!!!

I felt the same way a while ago! My dd turned three at the end of january and has gotten better since she's getting better at expressing her feelings with words and better understanding of time and consequences. She's also grown up a lot since her sister was born in late december. Hang in there and keep trying!

I have a 4 year old son that sounds a lot like your Brody. He started in at about 18 months and has not let up much. It's hard to deal with, but there are things out there to help you. I had a conversation with my pediatrician about this. He said that if he throws a tantrum, but isn't hurting himself or anyone else, let him throw the tantrum (ignore it). If he starts a behavior that will hurt himself or anyone else you say (very firmly without yelling) "No, danger". Then you pick him up and put him in time out. You should read the book called "1,2,3 Magic..." There are a couple of them. They are fabulous and seem to work pretty well on my son! Also (from my pediatrician) if he is arguing with you, say "no" once and then don't engage again. If he keeps trying to pick a fight, then ignore him. Think of it as if you were fighting with someone. To stop the fight, you walk away because you can't fight with someone if they are not there to talk back to you. Same with your son. In the situation you described, say "Mommy doens't have any money right now, maybe next time". If he keeps on about it, don't say anything more about it. If he throws a tantrum: out to the car you go with him! I hope this helps even a little.

First thing that comes to mind is to watch Super Nanny! She deals with these kinds of issues every week. Weds. at 8 or 9? I love to watch because the parents really learn from her and she teaches them how to stay strong and consistent even when the kids are screaming at them. It will help you to see visually what to do.

I feel your pain. My son who is now 7 was very challenging at 2 and 3 years in many of the same ways that your Brody is. I love the book "You Can't Make Me But I Can Be Pesuaded" by Cynthia Tobias. Her website is www.applest.com. You can get her book at the library and at the regular book store too. Looks like she also has teaching videos you can buy access to online now. I have never used them but they sound interesting.

On the upside, once my son hit 4 it was like a magic switch had been turned on in him and all of a sudden he was a much more easy child to get along with. So hopefully you won't have to wait until college.

As far as the getting dressed thing goes many would disagree with me but my tactic was to tell him that he could either get dressed or I would get him dressed. Many people say that you have to make them responsible for dressing themselves but sometimes you just don't have the time or patience to deal with that. I had other battles to fight and so I chose not to fight that one.

Good luck and congrats on your new little one!

John Rosemond has a book called Making the Terrible Twos Terrific. It answers all your questions, and the sooner the better before you have another bundle of love while Brody is out of control.

Your friend is RIGHT! Ignore him when he throws a fit. He is only doing it because he gets a reaction out of you. If you take away the reaction, he will eventually realize he isnt going to get that attention anymore and will stop. If he is trying to argue with you, simply look at him as lovingly as you can muster (the more the better..don't be sarcastic) and say "Oh honey, I love you too much to argue." Another thing is use enforcible statements. Instead of saying "get dressed or else!!!", or "get dressed or I won't let you _____", say "the car is leaving in 5 minutes (or however long until it will leave) and in 5 minutes, gather him up in whatever he is wearing and leave for where you need to go...jammies or no jammies, shoes or no shoes. I had trouble with my son getting dressed for a while. I started saying things like that ('car's leaving in 5 minutes' or 'are you going to stay inside today while your friends go out and play because you have no shoes on?') You would be surprised how quickly these things work as long as you stick to your statements. I have taken my son to daycare in his jammies i think 2 times total (once was this week because he felt like testing me again). Being reminded that he will miss out on playing outside with his friends if he has no shoes and hearing that i am sad about it really gets him moving with the shoes..."are you going to stay inside with no shoes while all your friends go outside to play? that will be really sad, i bet they will miss you" Good luck

When you feel like your being mean, just remember, someday you will be responsible for getting him off to school, getting him to do his homework. In order to learn, you must respect your teacher. That is you! Remember when you feel like giving in, that you are setting up a dynamic which will limit how effective you can be as a parent from now on. You are the boss. Also, assess every situation before you say no. Ask yourself, am I able to back up my words right now? If your energy is low, don't bother saying no in the first place, and when you lay down the law be ready to back it up. You need an out now and again. Consistancy means backing up your words, not saying no everytime a certain behavior occurs but only sometimes enforcing it. Also, when a routine is established, expect that he will want to follow expectations. If you are planning a trip to the mall, I would suggest preparing him to the idea that he will not be getting candy. Likely then he can just throw the fit at home or in the car instead o at the mall. When he agrees that its ok, then go to mall and do something out of the ordinary that he might like. This age is also a time when kids want to be empowered. My daughter always begins to bring on conflicts when she is ready to become more independant. It seems to help if I let her do more things for herself at these times, such as make her own peanut butter and jam sandwich, or teach her to use the cd player on her own. As for the morning, make him go back to bed if he throws things around, but only if your willing to make him stay there.

hey, i feel for ya! i have issues like that at my house from time to time. what has really helped though is using ideas i got in a book called "systemic parenting" by a guy named mark gaskill. i can almost bet you don't have time for reading, but the book is divided up into little sections and it's a fast read. if you pick it up when you're going potty or eating a snack you can crame a bit here and there. you may even be able to get a copy from the library.

good luck!

I agree with your friend to an extent. One trick that we did was to say to my daughter (who threw tantrums as well) was, "I'm sorry, but I can't understand what you are saying when you are screaming or throwing yourself around like that. If you would like to calm down and come talk to me in a clearer manner, I would be happy to talk to you." Then, walk away doing what you were doing. The first few times, they will scream louder and throw a bigger fit, but you just ignore it (extremely hard and your blood will boil). Then, as they start to see that you are not going to respond to them without them calming down, they will start to calmly ask you for things. That's when you PRAISE them up and down for asking in a nice way, or "talking to you respectfully." I put that in " " because I told my daughter,"Thank you for talking to me respectfully, I can understand you much better now..." then I would let her know what the answer was to what she was wanting. If it was a no, she usually received it much better because she was calm and we could talk to each other more easily that way. I hope this works for you as well. She's now 10 and I still use it to this day when she gets attitude in her voice, she stops herself mid-sentence and changes her tone.

Hi E.,
My advice is to pick your battles and be consistent. Who cares if he wants to wear pajamas? What is it going to hurt really? Only fight the fights you have to and when you do, stick with it. Ignoring your son is not going to make his behavior go away. But it does sound like he is enjoying your attention, so a clear schedule might help. Schedule in some time to give your son some one on one attention. When my kids act out the way you have described it usually means I have been too busy to give them the time and attention they need. I know it can seem impossible to make time in our busy day (I am a SAHM too) but in the long run it will be easier for you if you do. Judging by your post it looks as if brody started acting up about the time you brought home baby #2. Maybe some special Mom and Brody and Dad and Brody time would help. I wish you all the best.
xoxo L