When to Tell My Daughter About the Loss of Her Twin Sister?

My Mom went through that same thing as a woman/Mom, and with my sister. The twin was born stillborn... the reasons for which are unknown "why" but the deceased twin was much smaller and not developed as much.
In my Mom's generation, they did not have the technology that we have today.

My parents, when my sister was older (not adult aged, but younger in childhood when they felt she was mature enough) did explain that to my sister. My sister... still treasured her twin. Its normal. My parents did not hide anything from her, but explained things honestly.... per her age. My sister, grew up always "feeling" like something was 'missing' even prior to her knowing the situation...and she'd "cling" to friends and not know why.
...and yes, Twins are known for having a "sense" of their other twin, existing or not. My sister as well, now has a Guardian Angel, looking after her. This is her comfort and special way of thinking of her twin.

For a bit of time, my sister sort of was angry at my Mom about it... maybe thinking it was her fault or her not taking care of the baby etc., or she "blamed" the Doctor for it. But, logically, she knows there is nobody to "blame." It is just her coming to grips with the whole thing.

It is no problem now. She can talk about it normally. But she is always cognizant that she is/was a "twin." Although she does not obsess over it nor does it impact her ability for daily living. It is all "normal" for her... a part of her normal life.

It is up to you if you tell her. But always keep in mind the emotional and maturity of the child. There is no predicting how a child/person will react to that.

The reason I was born... is because of that. My parents always wanted 2 children.

All the best,
Susan

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There are mixed answers on here, and ultimately you need to tell her when you feel it's the right time (if there is such a thing). But if it were me, I would tell her sooner than later (even if you waited another year or 2, but I wouldn't wait until older elementary or when she's a teenager). I would be concerned that she would be angry that I didn't tell her sooner. You don't have to go into details, just have an age appropriate discussion, and answer any questions she has in a straight forward way. Even though she won't understand (I don't understand, even if I know the scientific part of it), I would want to let her know that she has a guardian angel watching over her.

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It's not easy but my triplets were actually quads and I lost one early on. I also had a miscarriage before their pregnancy. I told my trio around their 5th brithday. (we never talked about it in front of them) It wasn't a big production or anything. I just told them about what it was like when they were inside of me, as they became interested, and I told them that there was also another baby and where that one was lying in my belly. The boys didn't seem too concerned about it, but my daughter was a bit sad, but I just explained things and she was ok with both losses. Let her know it was ok to be sad but that it was ok now because we have three beautiful babies!

I think it's important that they grow up knowing of their other siblings. I would have hated to have done to them what was done to me when I was little. I had an older sister that died 9 hours after her birth, 4 years before I was born. I just grew up hearing all the horror stories of her death and it was so sad. My mother kept her photos of her funeral with her lying in the casket in the regular family albums as if it was normal. We'd be flipping through photos and hear, "This is Mike when he was fishing with Dad. This is Debbie when she died. This is us at Gramma and Grampa's house.." like it was nothing. It bothered me so much that by the time I was in 2nd grade I started crying in class and my teacher asked me what was wrong. I told her my sister died and she got as upset for me as I was myself. She didn't know it was a sister I never knew 4 years earlier, because to me it was as fresh as today because of how my mother handled it. She called my mother to let her know and when I got home from school she never said a thing about it, like it was no big deal! I didn't want that for my triplets. It was important for it to be told to me and in a positive and safe way, not just hearing about it in such horrible terms.

I think I would just start having simple conversations about it by first explaining what twins are and make it a special thing that she is a twin herself! After all, she is a "surviving twin". Make it something special and wonderful and not sad, although it's ok to let her know that you were sad but you're happy now because you have her.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HarrisburgPAChat
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I would tell her sooner than later. While she may not understand fully, she will grow up getting used to the idea and it may even be comforting to her.

Otherwise, she will possibly find out when she's older, and wonder if she had a loneliness or something missing all of her life, which I hear is common with twins in these cases (my aunt being one of them).

I would personally would want to know and grow up with that comfort, of a guardian angel like sister. I would feel deprived of that knowledge had my parents waited until I was older to know.

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I agree that telling your daughter about her is sister should be done sooner rather than later. Along with the reasons listed here, I have found that it is easier to explain this type of issue to my kids when they are young because they do not judge you actions. They do not get angry with you for not telling them sooner or for handling it wrong, they just accept your explaination as fact.

My son is four and knows all about death. He gets sad when he talks about someone or something he has lost, but he does not fear it.

Unfortunately, death is a subject we will all deal with at some point and I would rather that I was the one to gently explain it to my son on my terms than he got a distorted view of it from TV or somewhere else. My son talks about my deceased brother alot (they share a first name) and nothing reminds me more that my brother was a real part of this family than having my little boy talk about his uncle.

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While I think it is a good idea to tell an adopted child that they were adopted at an early age- if not from the start- I agree with some of the other posters saying that this is something that is hard for small children to understand. The idea of having a sister/ brother and somehow losing them... it's hard for even adults to understand and wrap their minds around! I think you will confuse her more than anything, and to be honest, whether she knows or not is not going to affect her in any significant (i.e. on a daily basis) way. I think it is best to save for a conversation when she is older (a teen), understands reproduction, and how the body works (to some extent) and would be able to absorb why the loss might have happened.
Another point to consider is whether you want other people to know. Keep in mind that anything you tell a three year old, is as good as public knowledge. She will be sure to tell other people, possibly in some confusing way, and you'll need to explain it all.

Good luck,
T.
Barefoot Books Ambassador
www.ReadandGrow.com

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Hello C.,

First of all I am so sorry for your loss.

Obviously there are many mixed answers on here...which means there probably is not 'right' answer. We have been in a situation kind of like this so I will offer my 2 cents.

Our oldest daughter was 2 years old when we had her baby sister. Her baby sister was born very ill and ended up passing away at 5 months old. This was TERRIBLY hard on all of us..including our 2 year old daughter. Everyone just assumed that she wouldn't know what was going on and that she wouldn't even remember her baby sister after a year or so...well they were definitely wrong. Our oldest will be 5 in May and there are times she cries for her baby sister. We have since had two more baby girls and now our oldest is telling her baby sisters about their 'angel baby sister'. I think you have to figure out what is best for you and your children. Honestly they might not be too upset about it - mainly because most small children don't really understand what death is. Unfortunately our daughter now knows a lot about death - although we are trying to teach her that death isn't the END...that we will be with her baby sister again, in heaven - in Gods timing. So I guess in a way that is good - she isn't terrified of death like so many adults are these days. She knows that God loves us and He certainly loves her baby sister and that one day we will be with them in Heaven.

I am terribly sorry to hear from the lady who posted about being so upset about her older sister that died and how her mom handled things. I am 'that mom' in a sense because I know the absolute horrid pain that comes from losing a child - its a pain like no other. To one day be holding your baby and then suddenly that baby is gone is unbearible at times...as a family we have chosen to ALWAYS remember our sweet daughter. Our extended family has chosen to move on and all but forget her - but not us, we will never act like none of it ever happened because she is and always will be so very precious to us. Our 3rd born daughter is almost 1 1/2 and we have already started telling her about her 'big sister' in Heaven. Again, that is because we don't want to teach them that death is horrible and scary and also because our other daughter is/was so important to us. It's just natural for us in our family to remember our baby. Does that mean its natural for everyone? No I don't think so..we know this because of our extended family..but this is what works for us.

I pray you get some comfort from the other mommies on this site. Please feel free to send me a private message if you feel led to do so.

God bless you - and again, I am saddened by your loss.

K.

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I would start talking about her twin now. The sooner you introduce it, the easier it will be to talk about. I've heard that twins who lost their other twin always feel like something's missing-and when they find out as grownups on their own that they were a twin they feel whole again, but very betrayed that it was kept from them.
Go to the library & have them help you find books about twins & losing a sibling (or death in general) on her level. Read the books together, answer what questions she might have (probably not many at this age) & maybe you can buy a small frame to fit your ultrasound picture & just set it out-don't make it the focus of a room but just have it out. I'm sure it will be very painful to see for a while, but hopefully time it will be easier. Did you name her sister? If so, talk about her by name & make sure your daughter knows that it's okay to talk about her twin. I'd be ready come grade school, & especially middle school, for a whole flood of questions because she'll understand more & have more questions that need answering.
I'd start handling it now, rather than when she's older-if she grows up with it, it will be a sad thing, but the pain will fade. If you spring it on her as a teenager you'll have a teenager's reaction to you not telling her earlier, plus the teenage hormones & she'll probably wonder what else you didn't tell her about her life.
I'm not sure how you should approach it though, we've only faced great-grandparent death with our kids so far.
Good luck to you!

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You are clearly a very strong person. I think telling her now is a great idea remembering she may not understand it completely for long time. She wil understand bits as she grow older. But she will grow up knowing she had a sister.

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I agree with the ladies who have said tell her sooner rather than later. Just be honest with your daughter and keep things simple for now. If a child knows from an early age that they had a sibling that is no longer around, it is much easier to accept than if you drop it on them when they are a teenager. My brother died when he was 6 and I was 3. It was very hard on my parents but my mom was always open with me about it. I've always known I had a big brother in heaven. I also think your daughter will treasure the ultrasound photo of her and her sister. I still love looking at photos of me and my brother, and imagining how our lives would be if he was still here.

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I told my son when he was 8. It did not seem to have any real impact on him.

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I think it's better to tell her now because she is at an age that she can at least understand the basis of it. She will have more questions as she grows up, but the younger you tell her the more understanding of the situation she will be. You'll be amazed at how well children accept difficult things and have a beautiful way of handling them. They are very innocent and loving when they are young, and I bet she will be happy to know about her sibling. In a way it's probably something she really needs to know, because her sister is a part of her, and even though she is in heaven she is still her sister! It will probably bring up some very sweet and tender conversations in the future too. Good luck with this. Just do what you feel good about.

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In my honest opinion, I would tell her sooner than later. As she gets older, she will understand. Something that someone told me once.. don't give a 3 year old a 30 year old persons baggage. Meaning, you don't want to go into all the details right away. As she gets older, she will ask questions and can come into it in her own. There may be resentments if you wait till she's older.

Just my thoughts!! Congratulations on your little one!! I am sorry for the loss of Baby B.

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We also have a 3 yo whose twin died. We have always talked about it with him as though he understood, as we, too, have pictures of the ultrasounds with the other baby. Occasionally he asks about it, but mostly just wondering if he can meet his twin. It's never been an issue for him. I read a book that suggested talking about it often when they are little, as the older they are, the harder they take the news. Also, they seem to sense something missing, and adults really take the news hard. Our son does mention that he misses his twin, even though he has two other siblings. We've been pretty free with this, though, because our 3 yo is #6 for us, and our older son remembers most of the pregnancies, and understood what was happening at the time, so we had to involve him on some level to let him grieve, as well. It was then very natural for him to tell his brother about the twin, and we didn't want that to be the way he found out. It has only been positive for everyone in our family to handle it this way. GL! I know it's not an easy subject to broach!

I know that it's hard understanding some one died. My father died when I was three. My mother had to end up tell me what happened when I was only 5. I knew that he was not coming back already,but din't understand why. When my mom had to finally tell me I knew It was hard for her. And I,even though young, loved my daddy very much and was not very happy. Im still young and trying to get throngh it, but I am very glad I was told. Imagine if I was going around thinking I din't have a dad. And even though it seems different with a sister it's really still the same. I would tell her now,because of my expierience. Hope it helps.

She is WAY too young right now. I would think that telling her when she at least knows about sex would be more appropriate especially since you had such a fiasco getting pregnant in the first place. You will know when the right time is. Maybe even when you have the sex talk with her. Losing babies prenatal happens and we must focus on what we do have and not dwell on what was lost. There is a reason for everything (believe me I have had my share of loss in this area).

One day you will be sitting there with your daughter and the window to tell her will open. A lot of times, kids in this situation really do not react much since they do not have the connection to the incident as we do. It gets hard to wrap our adult minds around it.

Good luck and enjoy your little blessing!

P.S. I think not telling her at all is not ok. I think if she figured it out on her own, it would be far worse then you disclosing it to her.

My daughter is almost four. Safe to say that she really doesn't understand death at this age. I remember when I was 6 and our pet died... that was really hard on me. At a young age, the finality of death and happen-chance that it could occur (to her, to mommy & daddy, etc.) is quite frightening.

I would avoid mentioning the lost sister until she was much older, like 12 or 13--at an age where she has a better understanding of life/death/illness, but also at a time when you will be comfortable talking about the basics of sex education--pregnancy, how babies form in the womb, etc. Otherwise, I predict she'll have a lot of confusion and response questions (how, what, why) if you tell her before she's mature enough for the topic.

Hi C.,

Maybe my story will help you decide what to do: I was a twinless twin myself. I found out by surprise when I was in high school. I took down a box that was up in my bedroom closet and looked inside and found my baby book, which I'd never seen. As I was leafing through it, I came across sympathy cards and then an obituary notice from a newspaper announcing the death of my twin sister who died at birth. Talk about the shock of a lifetime! My parents never told me this! And what was worse for me, when I questioned my mom about it, she denied it. She made excuses, left the room, said it wasn't true. So, apparently she was still in denial about the death of her baby, some 16 years after the fact. So I let it go, but it kept coming up later... as our family was travelling internationally we got our passports. We needed birth certificates and the one that came in the mail was my deceased twin's, not mine. When I showed it to my mom (I opened the mail) she took it away and said she didn't want to talk about it. So when I asked my dad about it in college (yes, some 4 years later), he cried, couldn't answer, and said I was special. He said my mom has always had a hard time with it and that it was very hard to talk about. So we both cried and I never really got an answer about what happened to her until years later, when I was in my 20's.. an aunt told me she came out with the cord wrapped around her neck, blue, not breathing, and they couldn't rescusitate her. So, then I got my answer. In the meantime, I spent years reading up on what it meant that I was a twin who had no twin anymore... did it affect me? As I've found out, thanks to a book called "The Lone Twin" by Joan Woodward, it does affect the surviving twin. In ways that you sense a loss you can't quite wrap your arms around.. .like a phantom limb. Ironically, I remember telling my mom when I was a little girl that I always wished I were a twin. Imagine that! Why I wished this, I did not know, but in hindsight, maybe I sensed something about the twins in my class at school that I was apart of but didn't know it. A sense of belonging, maybe? There is literature out there about twinless twins. Look into it. Someday, you should tell her. Hopefully she will not find out like I did. And I hope, no matter how painful it is for you, that you do not deny it or make it a closed topic. Your little girl will grieve too, once she knows. She'll know how very special she is to you and that there's a little angel waiting for her when she gets to Heaven. :) Best of luck to you. And I'm truly sorry for your loss.

I had an identical twin sister that died at seven days old. My parents have always been very open with me and for as long as I can remember I knew I had a sister. We went to my twin's grave on holidays and always remembered her as part of our family. It was a normal part of life for me and I am glad that my parents never kept me from knowing that I had a sister.

My gut feeling would be to tell soon. Maybe look for an opportunity, if she asks a question about if she's going to have a brother or sister, or mentions how her friends have siblings but she doesn't, then you could explain that she did have a sister.

I think it depends on your child. It may be that by the end of 4th grade she is pretty mature and will have a bit of a understanding about pregnancy.

When you and your husband are talking about how different people get pregnant, you will tell her your story and then you and your husband can mention her twin. Do not underestimate how well she will handle it. Be matter of fact with her at all times and you all will be able to talk about all sorts of things.

I would tell her while she is young. I am all about honesty with kids. Let her look at the u/s pics tell her it was her in your belly and show her her sister be gentle and let her lead the convo. If she shows no interest or understanding then let it go for a while. Revisit the u/s pics in another 6 months to a year. If she is ready she will ask what happened to her twin and you can answer honestly.

I am sorry for your loss.
I cannot imagine why you would tell her at all. It's your loss, and not really hers. perhaps when she is older and can understand... and you have lived with it for a longer period of time, and put this in a place that is comfortable for you to live with.

I can't imagine how objectively this would benefit her to tell her.

Loss is something that various members of my family have had to deal with....unfortunately, a lot....aunts and uncles, my parents, and even my cousins. The loss of their children, both before birth and after has been something that has always been known by everyone, even the other children. It wasn't always discussed in detail, but it was known that they loved and grieved for their losses, and it was always a respected, though painful issue. I would suggest that you let your daughter know about it now, rather than later or not at all. These things have a way of coming out and she might feel betrayed that you didn't tell her earlier. This is such a difficult subject. I am so sorry for your loss and I wish you the best in the future.