How Do I Tell Our 4 YO I Had a Miscarriage?

Wow, I am so sorry for your loss.

Depending on what you've told her about HOW babies get into tummies, you should tell her something that fits in that narrative, lets her be sad, but doesn't make her anxious (especially if you plan to try again relatively soon).

My son believes that babies wait in heaven until they are ready to join a family, then they grow in a woman's uterus until their bodies are strong enough to live in the world. So, I would tell my son that the baby wasn't quite ready to join the family and went back to heaven to wait until the right time to come back to us. I would explain that I was sad because I was looking forward to meeting him/her but I will have to wait until he/she comes back.

There is no easy way, but I'm sure you will do what is right for your family, you child and yourself.

Hugs,
T.

8 moms found this helpful

Aw. I am so sorry. Sending hugs.

When this happened to me in 2005, our son was 3y. Hubby had told EVERYONE right away. Then when I miscarried, he didn't tell anyone. Each time I saw someone he knew they would congratulate me, then I would have to tell them. 'oh, yes, that didn't work out.' ... and leave it at that.

As for our son, I told him something similar. That Mommy had thought she was going to have a baby, but that the doctor had told her today that she was wrong. He seemed to accept it.

6 moms found this helpful

That's tough! I'm so sorry for your loss. I miscarried my 5th and all my kids were old enough to understand. My son was 4 too. I just told him that the baby died and that we're really sad. I answered any questions they had and I loved on my kids a lot as they were grieving too. It was hard. I'm so sorry! I just had another baby almost two years ago and my kids are thrilled with their new sibling. I wish you the best! HUGS!

4 moms found this helpful

I am very sorry for your loss. A friend of mine actually just went through this exact same situation last week with her daughter, who is also 4 and was so excited about being a big sister. Then she just found out that at 7 weeks, the fetus is not viable. She had to break the news to her daughter and told her that God decided to keep the baby as an angel in heaven instead. Of course her daughter is devastated and doesn't understand why God would do such a thing (it happened once before, but she was much younger, only 18 months) but her mom did decide to take her to special doll store and let her pick out a baby brother doll of her own. I don't know if that helps, but I wanted to share it in case you might find it something worth considering. Again, I am sorry you are going through this, I wish you strength.

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I am sorry for your loss. We went through this last year. My son was five. I was about 13 weeks along. We told him at about 10 weeks, because I started to show and he started to ask. I too was really upset about telling our son. I think I was more worried about that than anything. He was so excited about having another baby (his little sister was 2). We waited until I was a bit calmer and not so emotional. I told him that I went to the doctor to have a check up and they found something wrong with the baby and the baby wasn't coming any more. He asked why. I told him that you can do everything absolutely right and sometimes, it just happens. We have a garden and I related it to that. I explained that sometimes we plant our garden perfectly. We get the right light, the perfect amount of water and the plants start to grow. But sometimes even when we do it all right, some of our plants stop growing and we can't make them grow or get better. It was like that with the baby in my tummy. He then asked if I was going to be ok. When I said yes, he kissed me and said he was sorry the baby wasn't coming. He brought it up a few times, but fortunately, even at 5, they seem to have short memories. He handled it well. I wish you and your family strength and healing during this tough time.

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My four year old girls are very aware of death, but in this instance I think I'd tell them that mommy thought she had a baby in her tummy but she was wrong. Then I'd tell them that we're going to try again (if you are). I see no need to explain miscarriage to preschoolers as I don't think they'd truly understand.

Your daughter will only be crushed and confused if YOU appear crushed and confused. Four year olds bounce back really quickly if they have a stable emotional environment. So keep it upbeat that you were wrong and that you're sad, but that you will keep trying to get a baby in your tummy so that your daughter can be a big sister.

3 moms found this helpful

I'm sorry for your loss and your families. I think either of the options below of telling your daugher that the baby wasn't ready and decided to wait in heaven a little longer or that the babies not coming afterall like said below. I wouldn't mention death. You wouldn't want her paranoid when you were pregnant again. I would J. keep answering questions, and J. the question, sometimes kids only want an answer to their question and we give that ALL of the info we'd want to know, which is good a lot of the time but for death at a young age I don't think necessary. If you believe in God I really like the watining in heaven one. All kids need to understand life and death at one point but I don't think they need to know babies die at 4 yo unless theres no way arond it, and I think theres a way around this one

2 moms found this helpful

I am so sorry for your loss. I would just tell her that the baby is not going to come this time after all. And leave it at that. If she questions a lot then say you are all really sad which of course you are.

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I am sorry for your loss - I can't even imagine the pain you are going through with your own emotions plus trying to be there for your other baby. My son-in-law died suddenly 6 months ago and my 4 year old was very close to him. We just told him the truth - we didn't go into any more details than he could understand - just took one question at a time. He still misses him and talks about him but he is coming through it just fine.

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This site may be helpful for you:

http://www.babycenter.com/0_questions-about-death-what-pr...

I teach a course on Death & Grief, and introducing death to children is a topic we discuss. Answer her questions honestly, and don't create stories that she'll later learn aren't true. Keep it simple. :)

Prayers for you.

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I would simply tell her that sometimes a baby dies before it is born and you are sad. I would be hesitant about telling her god wanted the baby in heaven because it is so special - is she not special enough? Will god want to take her, or you, or her dad? Why did god let the baby die? Big thoughts for a 4 year old.

I am very sorry for your loss.

1 mom found this helpful

I am sorry for your lost, I would put it as simple as possible, many times we think kids need long, specific answers when they many times don't.
Not sure what to advice, kids are different and some can handle things different, I think to some you can tell his/her brother went to heaven (if you are religious), or just tell momy was wrong, either way I think a simple answer and wait to see if they need more explanations.
Warm hugs.

1 mom found this helpful

J.,
My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. Even though you shared with your family earlier than you normally would, they can now be there for you and hopefully be sensitive to what you're going through and be a source of love and comfort during this time. As far as your precious 4 year old, my advice would always be to tell her the truth. She has a little brother or sister now in heaven and that will bring her comfort too for the rest of her life. I know, I was a sister of a child that died as well as now a mom of a baby that died. Death is so hard but there are invaluable lessons to be learned from it. You can keep your baby alive in your heart and in your family by remembering and celebrating that life. I will keep you in my prayers.
M.
www.heavenborn.com

I am so sorry for your loss. At four years old, your child is old enough to be told about death, if she does not know about it already. You can keep the explanation simple. Tell her that the baby died. If she asks why, you can explain that not all babies start out perfect and healthy, and occasionally they die before being born.

I'm so sorry-I think you should consult her pediatrician.

I believe in being honest with children and just telling the facts. Not too much on some issues of course, but I would just say you were all very happy and yet there was a problem and the baby died. Tell them that you know they are sorry and disappointed and so are you both but that you are happy you have them and maybe some day you will have another baby. I wouldn't make up things. I was 12 when my mother miscarried her last and all of my siblings wanted a baby but me most of all being the oldest and into babies and children and it really hit me hard. But I can say to you that I am sorry for your loss too as I have seen my mother cry over that loss in her old age even. It is a loss of a child. I hope you can grieve together as a family and then move on together.

I am so sorry for your loss. Whatever you say, I think it is important that you tell the truth, the baby wasn't growing well and has died. Share that you are very sad, but that you are a strong family and you will get through this sad time together.

You may wish to avoid adding more, because children can worry about themselves at this time. For example, if you say the baby was sick and died, then what if she gets sick, will she die? Or if you say God decided to keep the baby in heaven, then why did He decide that?

As my faith teaches, I probably would say that God will help us with our sadness, because He gives us the strength to love each other, even when we don't understand everything.

Again, please acccept my sympathy.