Need Advice on Telling Older Child About Miscarriage

First off, I am soooo sorry for your loss.

I miscarried myself and know firsthand the wide range of emotions that come. my heart goes out to you. Please reach out to groups like Kindermourn if you want to get some support. Some may act like it's not a big deal since it was first trimester or because you have two already, but you need to grieve and mourn like you need to. Big cyber hugs going out to you from me.

On the question, I would avoid the whole death discussion unless this has already been a topic discussed with your 5 yr old for another death. You could simply say that mommy and daddy thought we were going to have a baby but a)God had other plans for us at this time, b)we were mistaken, but maybe someday we will have one, and/or c)this baby wasn't ready to come here and join us yet, so we have to wait a little longer.

The thought of a baby dying is simply too intense for some children at that age. They may start worrying about other women that are pregnant, they may be stressed if you get pregnant again, and they may think that God takes babies away from people. Just be very careful and know that the words are only part of what they hear--the imagery is what stays in their mind's eye....and, is what they will repeat to others.

So, do you want the 5 yr old sayingt to people, 'My mommy's baby died', or 'my mommy thought she was having a baby, but God had another plan, so we have to wait a little longer'.

Just some things to think about. Again, my heart and hugs go out to you at this sad time. I hope you have all your dreams for motherhood come true.

3 moms found this helpful

Hi E..
First let me say how incredibly sorry I am for your deep loss. I know this is a very difficult time for you and your family. Please be sure to give yourself and your family time to grieve for this precious wee one who is now in the arms of Lord, Jesus Christ. This was a baby and you need to be allowed to deal with your loss and grieve.
My friend just lost her baby and they too had to explain this to their 5 yo.
The only way I know she did it is by telling her that her baby brother or sister is with Jesus in Heaven now. The baby in mommy's belly was very sick and couldn't live here with us but lives in Heaven. One day we will be with him/her.
My youngest was a twin and I had to have this little talk with her as well. I lost her twin at 11 weeks.
I do wish you and your family many blessings.
W. from Indiana

2 moms found this helpful

We had a miscarriage at 14 weeks and I had a 1.5 year old and 3.5 year old. We waited until we were emotionally ready. We had a funeral for our baby and we did not say anything to them until the day of the funeral. It has now been 3.5 years and my oldest still remembers that her little brother is up in heaven. She really respects it and does remember him by name.

H.

1 mom found this helpful

Dear sweet lady, thinking first of the hearts of your family. God bless you and shield you, comfort and strengthen you for the road you are travelling.
How to present such an event to young children - as positive and life affirming as humanly possible. If you aren't ready to process this now, wait to tell them until you are ready. Think and plan out what to say, perhaps writing down answers to questions that your son may have.
Life is so much more fragile that our day to day living of it leads us to believe. My sincere condolences to you and your family.

1 mom found this helpful

I am so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you. I know how hard this can be for you. I too was in that same situation. I had two children already an almost 5 yr. old and an 8 month old and was only 11 wks. along when I miscarried. Needless to say this one was not planned. Because of that, I thought it wouldn't bother me, but it bother me alot more than I thought it would and for quite awhile too. I'm all about the truth, so we just told my daughter that something was wrong with the baby and it died in mommies tummy. She understood. She was a little sad about it for awhile then was fine. On a happier note my 3rd child just had his first birthday. That being said there IS life after a miscarriage. God bless you. My children are now 8yr,4yr, and 1yr. First two girls the last one a boy.

1 mom found this helpful

First let me say I am so sorry for your loss.
There is that fine line you have to walk in order to share the truth and be real with your feelings, and yet not give more info than the little one really needs or wants. If you make it out to be no big deal than he may think you did not care, and if you reveal the true depths of your pain he may get a little freaked. You know your child and you will find that line.
If your child plays any kind of computer or video games he will be familiar with the term "put it on pause". You may be able to tell him that God has put having a sibling "on pause" for now and that you will "restart" in the future. It may sound silly to an adult, but I have found that it helps a child grasp an abstract concept. What I find is especially helpful is the fact that they see the games as being unbiased and so a pause or a restart have no emotion behind them and therefore no fault or blame is assigned. If he does not play these games you may be able to invent a game and introduce the concepts before you have this discussion with him. Blessings,
N

1 mom found this helpful

I also had two miscarriages. One when my son was 5 and the other when he was 7. We talked to him about death and that sometimes, when a baby is sick inside mommy's tummy, that he/she can't be born so God takes the baby home to heaven so he can make the baby better. My son seemed to understand and wasn't traumatized (I don't think). For the second one, we didn't even tell him we were pregnant and so he never knew. He's 13 now and we've have never been able to conceive since. He still talks about wishing he had a brother or sister. I'm not even sure if he remembers the miscarriage. Good luck and God Bless. It's a hard time to go through but you'll get through it.

1 mom found this helpful

I worked as a Labor and Delivery nurse for 9 years. You definitely need to tell him. He probably already knows in some ways. Call the hospital. They should have a Beareavement counselor that will have some books for him and a lot of suggestions for your whole family to cope with your loss. I would have a funeral for him so he can say good bye. I am very sorry for your loss.

1 mom found this helpful