When Do They REALLY Understand Adoption?

Hi A.,

I will give an adoptee's point of view on this,since you haven't gotten any responses from that side.
I was adopted when I was six months old. My parents were 40 when they got me. They had already adopted my brother(no blood relation)the year before. We were four when were told,before we started school. I do not remember it,but was told by my Mom that I wouldn't believe it. I think that at that age we were not ready to understand. I think that the insecurities she is experiencing is normal for that age. I do not believe that being adopted has anything to do with it. I know when my kids were that age,they had some of the same issues. If it were me,I would not talk about it so much. It could be it is overwhelming for her hearing about it. Answer her questions the best you can. I understand that you have little info on the birth parents.
I did find my birthmom in 2000. Yes, it was a good thing. She had wanted to keep me,but of course back in 1963,it wasn't allowed. Being Catholic really it made it taboo.
When I told my adopted Mom that I had found my birthmom,she thought I wasn't going to have anything to do with her anymore. I explained to her,that it had NOTHING to do with her,being a parent or other wise. It was something that I needed to do for me. My adopted parents were my "real" parents. They were the ones that raised me. When my Mom died in 2006,my birthmom came to the funeral.
Good luck.

C. aka Mary Ellen (My birth name)

1 mom found this helpful

Not really the same, but similar....my sister had a baby out of wedlock. By the time baby was to arrive she clearly was not going to be with the father. When her son was 5 months old she met a man who fell head over heals with her and her son. They were married 2 years later. Her husband adopted him within a week of getting married. He is the only daddy her son has ever known. While he was little she had told him her husband was his "daddy" but this other man was his FATHER. He did meet him a couple of times but they didn't make a big deal about it. I think she handled it really well...her son, now 21 has never had any issues with it. It seems she told him just enough and none of the gory details as to why. She and her husband just loved him as if he were theirs and it worked great. On the other hand, I know another couple that talk about it ALOT with their adopted daughter. Every little thing that has "gone wrong" with her, they blame on the birth mother and possible genetic issues. I think they have made the mistake of shifting too much to the fact that she is not theirs and every little thing is due to the fact that she is adopted. It is certainly a touchy subject to deal with but given these two examples I think less is more. The most important thing for her to know is that she is loved and being adopted has no bearing on anything. You are all lucky to have eachother!

When my boy was around that age, we "adopted" a lone teddy bear that was left on a shelf after Christmas. My son understood that it was just like when we made him part of our family. Funny. He's 11 and still has that bear. Don't tell anyone!

S.

We have 2 adopted children, and have discussed adoption and read children's books about adoption at a very early age. We never had a "sit down" talk, because we didn't want them to feel a stigma about being adopted. But whenever questions arose about adoption, we are open and answer their questions. I believe that is the best policy. Be as truthful as possible and answer her whenever she has a question. There are alot of great books out there too.

hey A.
little girls go thur a drama stage at about four till they are six and there nothing you can do i think 4 yr old is young to know what going on and what it mean to be adopted my sister told her daughter that the different of being a birth child and adopited child was one was born from her belley and the other was born from her hart so now my neice tell ever one she more special because her mommy and daddy could of had any baby they wanted and they wanted her more then any of baby in the world good luck

Hi A.,

We adopted a sibling group 3 yrs ago. Now, they are girls, ages 13 & 11 and a boy, 7. They naturally know they were adopted because they were there. My girls remember everything (birth parents, adoption, etc), but my boy doesn't remember. We say the word adoption and we say how lucky we are that God helped us find him and how lucky he is that God helped him find us. We always say that God made us a family. Lately (even though he doesn't remember his birth parents) he's been saying stuff about his "other mom". We don't know if he's referring to the foster mom (which he remembers a little) or what. So, I called Dr. Laura and asked her what she thought we should say. She asked if he was sleeping well, eating well, doing well in school, playing well, etc. The answer was yes to all so she said "don't do anything". All little kids don't understand where babies come from and this is normal. After she said that, I sighed a big sigh of relief. It totally made sense. She also said that she liked the way we said that "God made us a family".

I hope that helps.

L.

i have 3 adopted boys all biological brothers they were 5, 7 ,9 when they became our adopted children at 7,9,11. all 3 acted out differently. they major times i would say are when they see or remember someone or thing from the past . when their peers start talking about parents when they get married and when they have children. the thing they liked most and still keep up is their memory box that has a little of the past and a lot of their life. when your child shows an intrest listen be truthful aand get books from the library that are age appropiate i know the childrens librian selected a few for my boys

One of my daughters best friends in school is a little boy that was adopted from Korea. He knows he was adopted, that he was chosen by his Mom and Dad and he is very proud of it. He is 4 years old. I think it is all about how you present it.

I had a childhood friend who was adopted and his parents frequently told everyone he's adopted and we love him soo much ..., but it was really bad. When you have your children biologically we don't say he's our biological child etc.. you just love them and and take care of them. Everyone doesn't need to know and the child doesn't need a constant reminder (like my friend, he said it made him feel unaccepted especially in the teenage years.) Good Luck.

I haven't ever adopted but i think what your doing about talking about it and the book is good idea. But i would guess either around puberty or maybe a little later like around 16-18 they may want to outof curiosity look into finding there real parent to see them and maybe see what the reaction. But than you know you are doing so much to let understand maybe she won't want to each childs different. You will just have to battle that when it comes around if it ever does. If it doesn't good for you but like if she was to get sick or something you may have to for genetic backround. but other than that she may not want to ever find them/her. Just keep doing what your doing keep showing her all your love and be open to all answers and ? asked about the subject. Good Luck