Stories About Families Adopting Infants

My 3 children are adopted and there's never been a day when they didn't know. We discuss it openly whenever it comes up and their adoption stories are as much a part of their lives as their first days at school, their first words, first steps, etc. Each has a different story, and each has different feelings and reactions to how it feels to be adopted. But having it be just a normal thing in our house has been great for them. My advice is to talk about it regularly openly and honor whatever feelings they at the moment.

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Hi there!
I, too, am adopted. I grew up knowing that I was adopted because my parents used the words adopted, adoption, etc. often. I even had to ask my mom when I was about 12, "when did I find out I was adopted?" I am one of those that did not feel any abandonment issues or that I had a piece of myself missing. I don't diminish the importance of those feelings, I just never have felt them. I was adopted when files were sealed, so I know very little about my biological family. I have expressed interest in finding them, but only for two reasons: 1)to get some medical history, and 2) to tell them that they made a good choice and that I have a wonderful family! My son recently asked what it meant that I was adopted. I explained that God has a family for every person. Sometimes we are born into that family, sometimes we are adopted into it. Regardless, it was meant to be. Blessings on your family!

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I have 6 adopted kids. They all know they are adopted and have known from a very young age. As soon as the kids started asking the lovely question about how the baby got in the mommies tummy, we started teaching them about different families - grandparents raising grandkids, single mom and dad's raising kids, adoption, etc. We explained to them that some babies grow in one mommies belly while the same baby grows in another mommy's and daddy's heart. They were told they are so special because they were chosen and that God brought us together. We also told them that we were blessed because most mommyies and daddies have the child they have, but we were able to look and find them. My one daughter asked if it was kind of like an Easter Egg hunt which always has made us laugh.

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Hi,

As an adoptee I highly recommend Nancy Verrier's book the Primal Wound. She has a sequel to it also (which I have but haven't yet read) called Coming Home to Self. I've never read anything that so acutely characterized my experience/feelings as an adoptee. Verrier is an adoptive mother.

Best,
R.

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My brother and his wife adopted two babies at birth and they told them early on that they were adopted and how much they were loved and chosen. They made a big deal about it and even made things to put on the wall about that they were chosen and how much they were loved. They seem very well adjusted and are now 15 and 12.K.

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I'd say it should be talked about from day one. A great book about it is Tell Me Again About The Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis. I'm sure there are others. The more you talk about it, I think the less of an issue it will be. Good luck!

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I am 32 yrs old and I was adopted at birth. My parents were also very open about it. The only advice I could give you is no matter how good they have it now they will always wonder what they looked like. I have the best parents in the world and when I turned 18 I received a letter from my birth mother, I was angry at her, "after my parents do the hard work then she wants to come in." I did get over that feeling. As for today I do talk to my birth mother and brother however I ONLY HAVE ONE MOM AND DAD. So it sounds like you have the same family that I did so just believe that you did a great job in raising them and they will make the right choices in life. Kids know who the mom and dad are. Best wishes and I'll keep you in my prayers. Hope it is helpful.

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HI
I am the mother of a 2 1/2 year old that we too adopted at birth. We met the birth family though our agency when Jessie (birthmom) was 2 months preganant. She lives in Sacramento and we live in Rohnert Park. We became friends and part of the family. Jessie has two of her own children that live with her and a step daughter that is from our son's birthfather Robert. Jessie has adopted out three other children as well. (drugs were an issue for her in the past) She is pretty disfunctional at times. We were there when Ryan was born. Robert had my husband cut the cord. Our adoption is open and we see the birth family about once a year. Jessie has issues from time to time and closes herself off from us but we email often and my husband and I are very close to her children. My son is healthy and happy. When Jessie and her family visit, my son has a bond with her. It is really weird because he doesn't know who she is but knows there is something special. He is not someone that will hug or love on someone he doesn't know well, but when she comes he goes right to her and gives her a big hug and will kiss her. It is really touching to watch actually. It is the whole nurture vs. nature theory at work. Our situation is ideal. I am very happy with our relationship with our birthfamily and hope that when the time comes Ryan will not have to question the "why's" of adoption. It will just be a part of his story. I don't know where you live, but if you are around the Sonoma County area the Jewish Family Services has a post adoption group to discuss stories, problems, etc. I have not attended but have heard it is great. S.

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My youngest son was adopted at age 3 1/2, from an orphanage in Romania. It's not an infant adoption story, but many things remain applicable.

One of the best things that I did was to make a scrapbook called "When Liviu Lived in Romania". I used photographs, paper dolls, line drawings, stuff from the internet . . . But the main thing in the book is the narrative: I tell the story (as much as we know it) of Liviu's biological (or bellybutton) parents, why he was placed for adoption and how he came to find us, his forever family.

I made the book for public consumption, meaning that anyone can read it. It lies around the house, just like all of our other books. I send it to school with him at the beginning of each school year; any new babysitter has to read it. THis is mainly so that they know pretty much the whole story, know that it is okay to talk about it and gives them the vocabulary that we use when talking about Liviu's adoption. For example, I prefer to be called his real or adoptive mom. And we call Regina his bellybutton or bioloigcal mom. We don't use the terms 'real' or 'natural' because of the implications. If Regina is the real mom, am I the fake one? If she is the natural one, then am I the un-natural one?

Because this book was written for the public to read, I hid the more private, more difficult information behind a flap. It's difficult to see that the flap is there (due to the design) and difficult to open it. (You have to slide the page out of its page protector). We (the family) know its there but other people don't. The page that can be seen tells the same story in broader strokes.

I used the book Lifebooks: Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child by Beth O'Malley as a guide to creating my son's Lifebook. It was very, very helpful in knowing what to include -- and how to include the more private information. Plus, it helped me figure out ways to handle the missing stuff (like pictures of Liviu's biological family).

Be aware that creating this book will bring up a lot of emotions for you, for your daughter and for your grandson. There were times that I literally had to hide the book for several days since I couldn't bear to look at it. But now, almost 7 years after I made it, I have to say that I am very much at peace with everything in the book and the whole adoption story.

BTW, my first two sons are biologically mine. I like to say that we made the first two from scratch and did take out on the third!

Feel free to contact me if you want more info or check our www.adoptionlifebooks.com

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My husband was adopted when he was 3 months old and he has always known that he was adopted and his family celebrates adoption day four years (he was adopted on Leap Day). It's best to tell the child that they are adopted and to celebrate it, it's their history and denying it won't change it and everyone has a right to know their story. Also, if you don't tell them then you risk the possibility of someone else telling them that they are adopted as my husband did to his best friend when they were in 5th grade - my husband always knew he was adopted and that his best friend was also but didn't know his best friend didn't know. - One day he said something like "You know how we're both adopted" --needless to say it was a little shocking to the other boy.

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We adopted our 2 yr old son as an infant. We got to take him home from the hospital. His birth mother is my step-sister who lives out of state. I have never been very close to her since our parents married when I was 17 and she is 10 years younger than me. I have only seen her a half dozen times in the past 17 years. She asked that he not find out her true identity until he is an adult so until then she will just be his aunt. We plan on telling him he is adopted. In fact, I have told him about it, but he is still too young to understand yet. One of the first lead-ins I used for an adoption talk was when watching Sesame Street. Don't know if you have watch it regularly, but the veterinarian, Gena, has adopted a baby from Columbia. He has been written into the program as well and occationally will have a screen apearance. We were lucky enough to watch the week when she got to bring him home. I also saved the paragraph his mother wrote in the adoption paperwork about why she chose adoption. I whited out her name on his copy.

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Hi Shelley,
We adopted our son at birth in an open adoption 8 years ago. We have contact with his birthmom and her parents - mostly with her parents. I send pictures to all of them and little email updates. I send flowers to his birthmom on my son's birthday, and also send a mother's day card. I know those days must be hard for her, but I am forever grateful and think she should be acknowledged.

His birthmom has since married and had another son and lives 500 miles away. We see them about every other year. We've never met his birthdad, but get occasional letters from him.

We have always talked openly about the adoption with our son and family and friends. I don't necessarily tell "everyone" (daycare teachers, new acquaintances), but it's not a secret (he happens to look a bit like me, so people don't assume). His school teachers know because he is in special ed and they know everything about him.

One thing I did was make a little book (using cut out shapes from a scrapbook store, or you could use photos) for my son (when he was around 3) that tells his adoption story which we read quite frequently when he was younger.

It goes something like this: Once upon a time there was a woman named R and a man named R. They lived in a white and yellow house. They were very happy except for one thing...they couldn't have a baby. So they wrote a letter to women who couldn't take care of babies. One day they got a call from a woman who wanted R and R to be the parents for her baby. They were so excited. They cleaned the house and got ready for the baby. Then they went to the hospital and met J. J was sad that she couldn't take care of a baby, but liked R and R. Then they held the baby. They named him P and drove straight to grandma's house. Everyone was so excited and happy that R and R adopted Paul!

Paul will talk to people at the store or that we pass on the street, "J couldn't take care of a baby so my mom and dad adopted me!" It's normal to him and just the way it is. So far no one has teased him at school that I know of, but I don't know if it's a topic at school. I've told him that not everyone is adopted and it's up to him whether he wants to talk about it or not. He happily made a family tree for school that showed branches (us) as well as roots for his birth family.

Hope that helps.
R.

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I am the mom of two kids, one adopted and biologically mine. They both know the stories of where they came from. They know that mommy and daddy got married and we had to find Allison. The only place Allison could grow was the other lady's tummy. When we finally found Allison (it took 11 years) we decided to find our Ryan. The only place to find Ryan was mommy's tummy. So they realize that they came from different places but there is absolutely no difference between the two. They have known about adoption from day one. We talk occasionally, but not too seriously yet, about meeting her birthmom. We send a letter with photos once a year.
I guess my point is, adoption is a beautiful thing and should be represented as such. It just needs to be presented as a wonderful union of a family, openly and honestly.

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Hi Shelley,

You can go to Tapestrybooks.com, they have all kinds of books and stories about adoption. I adopted my baby girl October 2006, she just turned 2 and is the joy of my life. She is from overseas, but I read stories of adoption to her, and she knows she is from China. I'm hoping she will always understand where she came from, why, and that I love her with all my heart and always will.

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For anyone dealing with adoption, I recommend The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child, by Nancy Newton Verrier. From the blurb on the back:

"The Primal Wound is a book which will revolutionize the way we think about adoption. In its application of information about pre- and perinatal psychology, attachment, bonding, and loss, it clarifies the effects of separation from the birthmother on adopted children. In addition, it gives those children, whose pain has long been unacknowlged or misunderstood, validation for their feelings, as well as explanations for their behavior. The insight which Ms. Verrier brings to the experiences of abandonment and loss will contribute not only to the healing of adoptees, their adoptive families, and birthmothers, but will bring understanding and encouragement to anyone who has ever felt abandoned."

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