What Would You Do?** EDITE

Firstly, his brother is family and brothers help each other.
First (yes, I said first) this goes for you, he helped you financially when your husband was undergoing his penalty phase.
Thirdly, why are you guys going through a lawyer? They don't help the status in any way. They just file for you. If you can read and speak and write English (which you do) help out by filling out BIL's papers and go to his appointments with him if he doesn't speak English.
Regardless, this is a loan. You guys give him a loan which is to be expected to be paid back.
SIL not working- nobody's business. She has her reasons why she isn't working, just like you with one child ONLY (she has 3) needed financial help during penalty phase. Probably no one asked how come you cannot afford to provide for one child?
So do your part.
Sorry I sound harsh. I don't mean to. I know how immigration system works and I know whoever goes through that process needs all the help he/she can get.

BIL helped you, it's your turn to help him. Keep it "equal" if that makes you feel better, but I assume with a Mexican family that you will always feel jealous of their relationship. Time to start understanding & accepting it. If you don't want to help them financially after this, then start having that conversation with your husband now. But it sounds like they work out deals without you knowing -- again, that's something you're going to have to start accepting. Or...counseling can help you & your husband get on the same path! There is a disconnect in your communication -- either he doesn't know that you'd like to be involved...or he doesn't think you should be involved. Either way, you need to talk it out to be sure.

Good luck. This is going to get harder before it gets better!

I confess, I am not sure I thoroughly understand the situation. But being a numbers sort of person, I would approach this mathematically.

You say your BIL helped you/your DH? Can you put a $$$$ value on the help BIL gave? Was it $500? Was it $5,000? For the sake of argument, let's say it was $1,000. Here's what I would propose to BIL.

Tell him to set up an account that you can view and that he cannot withdraw from. A 24-month flex CD comes to mind. Tell him you will set up a savings account in your name only. For every $100 he adds to his savings account, you will match him by adding 20% (or $20) to the savings acct in your name. Tell him the max you will match him is $1,200. If he adds $220 to his savings acct in January, you will add $44 to your acct. You will ONLY cash out your savings account and give the proceeds to him when all other residency issues are taken care of.

Such a plan sets a limit on what your help will entail. It ensures that the help he gave you is returned with interest. Plus, it ensures that you will only help those who help themselves...Meaning, if he contributes nothing to his savings account in February, then you are not obligated to match him by adding 20% to your savings account.

I agree that I don't understand why you SIL doesn't help the family financially. Three kids -yes a lot of work. But how many of us work and have three kids, no maids no house keepers, just us. cuz that's what we do to take care of our own families.

I'm not sure what you are asking. Your husband wants to help his brother. They seem to have the money to file, but not enough for the sil to live while he is in Mexico. I would quantify what they need. Then lay out your own finances to your husband. It will either be clear or not if and what you can help them with. Visuals on paper help best.
You can't make the sil work, so there is no use arguing about that, although that seems to be a big problem with you. But you can't control that.
And list out all of the non money related things you could help with while the bil is in Mexico.
But From the tone of your email I'd try to be more supportive and be realistic about what you can effect change on or not.

Are you sure your BIL isn't asking you and your husband to be his sponsor? As I am sure you know since you went through the immigration process, you have to prove you have enough assets and will not become a burden to the US government or a ward of the state in order to obtain lawful permanent residency status. If your SIL doesn't work and she isn't independently wealthy then she can't be the sponsor and BIL will have to find someone who is. Is your BIL here illegally on an overstay or did he enter the country illegally? Does he have a work permit? If I were you I would offer to meet with the attorney with your SIL, BIL and your husband so you can hash out the issues. Find an immigration attorney that will give you a free consultation. They should be able to tell your BIL exactly what he needs to do to get a conditional green card. I guess I am confused...if he has 10K for an attorney why does he need money from you?

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I'm not sure what kind of help your BIL is looking for b/c frankly it sounds like he's in a pretty good position to pay the fees necessary to become a citizen. A dear friend of mine's husband had to go back to Mexico for a year too until the process was finalized...despite having attended college in the U.S. and being employed by a large company! He still had to go back until the paperwork was completed and they could prove that they weren't married for the wrong reasons... I guess the wedding album and two kids weren't enough proof!

What support does he need? If he needs $$ and you can't do it right now, then you simply can't do it. They are brothers and that is a bond that you don't get to mess with, but at the same time it's not your responsibility to keep them afloat.

If they are looking for general help and a little relief from having to "scrimp and save"...
- have them over for dinner and pack up the leftovers for another night
- buy things for the children that you know they need, but probably can't afford
- offer free babysitting when they need to meet with the attorney

See if you can offer them time and little things instead of writing a big check!