What to Do with My Two Boys?

J.: I grew up as a military kid, and have to admit that I acted out alot when my dad was deployed. I would say it is probably hitting your boys, much harder than you know, because they are missing the man in their life. They are probably also back in school and testing new limits. Know that they want to be good, you are just going to have to work harder to help them be good. Daddy's have very special relationships with their older age sons...and try and you may, you can't replace him...and I'm sure you don't want to. But this is their way of missing him and trying to get attention. This time is also a wonderful opportunity to develop a deeper relationship with your kids...

We love the Love and Logic program. Don't worry about attending a class, you can ready the book quickly and get it at the library for free. It has great strategies for you to take control of the situation, and to help the boys develop skills for self-awareness into adulthood.

You have to be steadfast, and stick to the program (or whatever program you decide to use) hard-core for at least a week. The kids will know you are dead serious, and will respond accordingly and you can quickly see changes within a week....don't give in. If they don't earn the opportunity to do something, don't cave in and let them do it anyway because you feel guilty. You will help them much farther down the road by being a strong parent during this time.

Good luck. I'll pray for you that you can turn it around and make this time with your boys a time that you remember with fond memories..not stress.

T.

1 mom found this helpful

Well, some things that have helped me with my 4 kids in the past with deployments is keep them busy. There really isn't a way to stop the pushing buttons unfortunately. But getting them into activities and keeping their minds off of Dad not being there does help. Just look into the community and you will find lots of free and cheap events. Last year my kids got to learn how to ice skate for free, they were too busy having fun they forgot to be rude and mean to mom. :) Also, having alone time is a must for you. Make a deal with another spouse/friend to kid swap. We've done 4 deployments and are getting ready to do a two year remote. It gets easier, just remember that "this too shall pass."

Sorry if I sound crass but....... that is your life now and the boys will have to adjust as well as you without Dad.
I have been in this boat for 20+ years and sink or swim girl.
They have to learn respect for you and no you are not Dad but what you say goes...bottom line.
If you are going to survive the "military" life surround yourself with people in the same situation because you are playing a different game then most.
I have 5 boys and 1 daughter and I have learned through the years, lay the law down and stick to it or else life is poopy! It does not matter what "civilian" moms think, if you are mean or not, they have not walked in our shoes, you have to have control from the start or you will be driven CRAZY!
Sieze the day Mama and make those kids mind or else you will have to solicite advice next on what to take to maintain your sanity!

Thank you for your sacrifice!

I am currently reading "Boundaries with Kids: Participant's Guide." I think it is designed for a group in mind and you are supposed to read the regular book "Boundaries with Kids" alongside this one, but I am getting so much out of it for myself. The participant's guide gives a summary of what is in the book. Either way, I think this would be helpful to you. It is written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Henry Townsend and gives so many specific things you can try. It is worth the time to read it.

I hope this helps. Thank you for your service to our country.

T.

It's tough raising kids. We like and use Love and Logic. We learnt about it on a Military base they held classes. It does give great learning tools that are easy to use. It is best to have people around you to bounce ideas of and get your plans water tight.
I'd also suggest reading about boys. They have specific needs. As a mom of three boys I've learnt a lot already about how they learn and how different they are in raising. If that makes sense. The mind of boys and the purpose of boys are great books to start with.
If you live on base usually Mil wives are pretty tight especially around deployments. Having lots of other people around you ( It takes a village to raise a child- mentality) will help and support you while you're temporarily single.
Take care of yourself.

Jaime, my dh is gone right now too, and my 3 yr old normally sweet and listened best to me daughter began not listening to me at all hitting and kicking...I finally had a melt down myself where I just told her that I love her so much and when daddy is home he helps out and we help each other and right now I needed some help and if she continued to behave this way I was going to need to take her to my mom's for a few days (we live w/in an hour so I have that option) so that I could get that help.
It was so helpful for her to get away for a few days. My dd has been better since coming back. she needed a break from her emotions on all of it. I was worried about preschool but her dance and preschool teachers say she is so great, listens really well etc. it's me she pushes with. I talked to my therapist about it (i've been so overwhelmed) and she pointed out to me that the reason my dd pushes with me is she knows that she is safe to act out with me. she knows she can be aggressive get ornery etc. and I will love her no matter what. that helped my perspective too. she also recommended that we find some activities to get aggression out. you are feeling stressed your boys feel stressed--I do yoga for me in the morning and at night to try to relieve stress, and I am adding in the gym this week when dd is back in 2 hour preschool classes twice a week (we have been doing camps etc. until now) and walking during dance. hopefully that will help me. so I'm more patient. my daughter goes through phases where she is angry with her dad and won't talk on the phone or write letters or read them. I try to respect her ability to make her own boundaries. and I've started trying to facilitate chances for her to get the aggressions out. we've put big couch pillows on the floor and lay down and just kicked them with our legs and yelled out what we are mad about. missing dad, losing a toy anything is fair game. even swearing if that helps.
showing her that there is an appropriate time and place to let aggressions out.
I was thinking about your post with the boys your boys ages and I thought a batting cage would be a good place to go to get aggressions out--and maybe sit them down and explain that swear words can hurt other people and their feelings and maybe come up with some ridiculous things they can say instead- (I personally would let them use swear words for this but can respect any mom's decision not to) but go somewhere in the bathroom together or up in the MTs. somewhere that it isn't going to hurt anyones feelings and just yell the bad words all the bad words they can think of just yell them and give them a time like 3 min and set a timer. they will run out of words to yell but encourage them to keep going let them know that its okay to be angry and upset about what is going on but then give them appropriate places and ways to get those frustrations out. its a process--we've been through 4 deployments together already but 2 without my dd and 2 with and each age has its own struggles and challenges, each kid handles it differently.
I would talk to your husband about what is going on. Ask him to email the boys about being the men of the house while he is gone, they feel that responsibility already, they want to help take care of mom, want dad to be proud of them. he could let them know he is so proud of them and thank them for listening to you and helping out around the house because it helps him to know that the house is safe that you are safe and they are safe. and he loves them. not a lecture from him but a thank you note I think would go a really long way and if you don't want to tell him everything (your dh) just say you know the boys could really use a note thanking them for these things. and don't mention to the kids what he wrote. but then sit down with them and ask what are things you guys can do as a family to make things smoother while dad is gone. ask if they feel you listen to them. ask if they feel they listen well to you. and if you want to address something use sandwiching, first thank them for something they are doing that is fabulous then say it would be nice if (behavior) didn't happen, it makes things a lot harder while dad is gone will you think about a way to change or replace that behavior? and get them to brainstorm some ideas of what they could do instead. and then again thank them for something really good they are doing.
I realized last night with my dd that all day she had been hearing corrections and do this and don't do that...she was acting out and I was getting really frustrated and I looked down at her and I realized its been so negative for her today. so I lay down with her on the bed and just spent 5 min telling her all the wonderful things I love about her and she smiled and lay there and listened to it.
no corrections nothing negative from me. I realize I need to do that with her every day. being the only parent I shift even more into the discipline roll. its all on me so I have to take care of it--but I forget to take time out to just be her cheerleader through this too.
its hard and I think we have to be so adaptable. we are stressing about caring for everything alone, worrying about our spouse even when we tell people we aren't worried about it. and things keep going wrong while they are gone (I just spent $500 in vet bills this past week...and my dryer is going out now) it happens when they are gone. Murphey's law. the kids go through this stuff too and they don't even have adult coping skills. I think that military kids are some of the most amazing hero's in our day and they are not celebrated for all they go through, for how hard it is to be the kid--wanting to take care of mom, worrying about dad and still trying to be a kid in the middle of it all. its s rough job.
pick your battles. for me it means not saying anything about my 3 yr old needing her pacifier again, we get creative on how she takes it with her at times like in her backpack for preschool but it represents security to her, I'm not going to take that from her. it means if she wants to stay in pull ups right now okay. she won't leave for college in them. :) she has so many pressures already and is choosing these things to have control over. at each age there are going to be different things--there just isn't literature out there to really help us with this stuff...everything I was finding said keep disciplining the way you did before the spouse deployed--well how do you do that when the behaviors are some you have never seen before? that was my case. I don't have the answers I am looking for them too--these are things I am doing, its constantly adapting. I so get the yelling etc. my dd told me last night "you yelled at me 2 times mommy and I don't like it. I don't like your voice like that" I don't like it either. its a balance making sure I am getting my stress out, helping her get her stress out--
military one source doesn't have counseling for kids until they are 12. tricare will let them have 8 sessions with a talk therapist. your kids are old enough that could be helpful. (for my dd to get play therapy I have to have a dr. prescribe it and then find a therapist in network who does talk and play therapy) I find it hard to believe that my child is the only 3 yr old out there that has struggled this much with her daddy being gone. the kid books out there have not been helpful to us. there just isn't a lot of resources as the deployments this often etc. are still fairly new. so we are winging it alot. I'm assuming you are air force since you are in Col. springs but I could be wrong, we are air force. anyway--the base should have a MFLAC (Military Family Life Advocacy Councelor I think is the acronym) that you can talk to and it is totally anonymous, they don't take any records, and they can give you just someone to vent to or to give you direction on how to go, they are trained counselors and are each only on the base for 6 weeks. then it rotates.
one other thing we started doing a couple of weeks ago, at night my dd runs around the back yard and every time she passes me I give her a mini marshmallow she loves it and gets a lot of energy out. it helps her relax and sleep better and it helps us not to fight through bed time.
well hang in there. I hope you find what your kids need to get through their emotions.

I never held back when my hubby was deployed. If the kids were being rotten snots, I let him know. He wanted to know what was going on in our house-good & bad-so I told him both.
My mom just bought all of us sisters-even the one who doesn't have kids-the No book by David Walsh. Check it out at the library to see if you like it, but I'm betting you will end up buying it to keep rereading it. The biggest thing the book says is to be consistant.
How are you treating yourself? Are you getting time away from your boys? Even if you just go sit at the park & read a book, you need to spend time alone. Most posts have some sort of respite care for deployments, check into it. Your boys will have different people to play with, you'll get time away from the stress of daily life & it's FREE.
Good luck! I've never done big boy deployments; the first one my boys were in utero & 2.5, the second one my boys were 2.5 & 5.
THe biggest thing you need to remember is to take time for yourself, so you'll be a better parent for your boys while their other parent is gone. After that, you need to be consistant-if it was no yesterday it needs to be no today & tomorrow, & you need to keep saying it. The book does say not to argue. Your boys are old enough to read, write out a behavior contract (I think that's covered in the teen section), if their behavior is X, the consequence is Y & everyone reads, asks questions & signs. Post it on the kitchen wall so everyone can refer to it.
As for those neighbor boys, if your kids need friends, let them play on your turf where you can monitor & correct as necessary.
Like my friends & I tell each other "you're an Army wife, you can do this. You will do it because you have to" And don't forget to rely on other wives-trade off babysitting, take turns hanging out at each other's houses (our platoon's wives did dinner together at a different house each week-gave us a chance to relax & the kids a chance to play).
Good luck!!

J.,

I am not a military wife, but I am a single mom and my situation about a year ago sounded very familiar to your own. I had a couple of girlfriends suggest reading Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Dr. Foster Cline. After the third time it was mentioned in about 2 weeks, I figured the Lord was trying to tell me something. I went online and put on hold everything I could from the library in this series. They have tapes, cds, and books. I started listening to them a little after Christmas and by New Year's Eve the methods were starting to work and work well! My mom even listened to them and we supported each other in transforming my parenting style and my kids' behaviors. I loved it so much that I went to one of their trainings and have become an independent facilitator. The methods really work and they give you the words to say and things to do to get your kids to behave without anger and frustration and without lecturing and repeating yourself. Sometimes behaviors get worse before they get better once you get into using them so sometimes it helps to have a friend to keep cheering you on. Feel free to contact me through mamasource if that happens for you. I would be happy to be your cheerleader. I have been doing it now for almost a year and have helped several cousins, friends and my sister. It has saved my life and my sanity!

Good luck!

I have gone thru this a couple times. The only thing that really worked was talking to the kids and letting them know what was going on and how I needed their help while dad was gone. I also got a web cam so my husband could talk to the kids as much as possible. Good luck, I know it is hard, I had four kids under the age of 8 last time my husband was over. Keep your head up, and keep in contact with your husband as much as you can!

Love and Logic-Foster cline is one of the 2 men who "created" it. rent some tapes/cds from the library. They are well worth it- and you will laugh along with the discussion on the tapes (you need a laugh). It works- I have kids and have taught little ones for 15 years :-)

I'm not a military mom at all, but I do have some general advice for discipling your boys.
1) Get dad involved. Yes, he's deployed, yes he has lots to worry about there, but I'm sure he'd want to be involved in the solutions to your problem. Dad's are a huge influence in kids' lives. Sometimes expression of disappointment can be a big disciplinary action. Maybe tell your husband about whats been going on and what disciplinary role your need him to play from afar.
2) Implement a consequence/reward system. Kids get one warning to stop their poor behavior and then they start to lose priviliges... having friends over, tv or video game time, being able to play after school, dessert... whatever is important to them. On the flip side of it have ways for them to earn extra priviliges (same ones as they can have taken away, plus other special treats, like one-on-one time with mom maybe). They get one warning, and if they don't shape up with one warning they lose their privilage. If they keep at it, they lose another. Hopefully doing this will teach your boys that mom is in charge, that you are serious about the behaviors you ask them no to do and that they can't just do whatever they want.
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hi there,

I'm not a military mom but a former military dependent whose father was away in vietnam...and a mom to a 3 yr old boy. What works for me (and I'm sure you're familiar with since they're from CO) is love and logic. check out http://www.loveandlogic.com/
What doesn't work is repeated yelling or spanking.
I buy the love and logic books on cd and listen in the car when i'm out and about or if you have a quiet moment at home. I was just listening to one yesterday with an exact situation on yours. a parent who REPEATEDLY tells her kid to do something and they only listen when she escalates into anger. L & L has methods where you say something once--and the quieter the better. in a loving way then have a consequence if you don't get a result such as a time out.

there's more to it than that. also, tremendously helpful to me was finding a L & L facilitator who led classes thru my son's church preschool. i had a person who could field specific issues i didn't see or hear about on a book on tape. she fielded questions after the seminar via email.

i'm sure if you google Love and logic in your area or look on above website you'll find someone. but in the meantime. check out the cds on tape via amazon--order one used.

Also on the CD (I listen to them over and over every few mos b/c i forget stuff or new situations crop up) yesterday was a parent saying they knew their kid was doing something to push their parents buttons. of course! It's exciting for a kid to think they have that kind of control over a parent to see the parent flip out. the key is not letting them push you over the edge by being firm in a consequence after the first reminder. I won't at all do justice in a short response to recap the book so I'd strongly suggest hearing it from the source. i can tell in my neighborhood which parents use love and logic and who doesn't.

also, it sounds like sitting your boys down for a family meeting and letting them know things are about to happen differently (in an empathetic loving way) and hear how scared and how much they miss their dad and that you need their help to get thru this.

I wish you the best. I'm a single mom so I know how hard it can be doing it solo which is currently what you're having to do...with the added part of being fearful about your husband being away. good luck and i hope you find some support.

L.

Hi J. - I'm not a veteran military mom but I am ex-military. If I could encourage you to do one thing it would be to sit them both down and explain that things are going to change a bit. Choose a couple of positives to add (maybe something about writing Dad, or taking pictures to send him etc.?) and that you are going to ask for something to be done one time and that is the expectation. Be sure to tell them what the consequence will be if they do not do what has been asked. Make sure when you ask that you go in to the room, make eye-contact with them and then ask. I would also convey expected behavior as a family. If they swear and have bad behaviors when hanging around certain kids then they should not be allowed to hang around them. Only do this if you have the energy. I am a stay at home mom now but I know that kids crave structure. I was a teacher for eight years. Even with my two (five and two) they will push until a line is drawn. (My two year old knows???!!! It's crazy!) Once a line is drawn they will push to see if the line moves. (The line can't move.) Don't give ultimatums...have consequences ready when they do not do what you ask, or complete their chore chart for the day, or swear...etc. My heart aches for you...parenting is tough even with two parents. Being former military too...please know your job is just as important...what your going through is hard. Hang in there and thanks for being a part of an important process!

I just read the other response and I too love Love and Lodgic!!! It's about choices and consequences.

Hey J.
I see that you have gotten a lot of advice..great advice already and I am probley going to jsut repeat alot of what others have said already.

My hubby is AF, and we have gone through this befor our selves. I find what has helpen alot with my boy is dad. I understand the worry about your husband, but I am sure he would want to know what his boys are up to. he can let them know that even though he is not there right now that the rules are still the same. that how they treat you and are dose not change jsut because he is not there. Also see is he can send them letters and packages (if he can..I dont know where he is at), have him include pic of him and his friend so that the boys know and can see dad is ok. Also se is there are anyother males aroud (grandpas, uncles, friends, even you older son) have them spend some time with them. Also keep them bussy, soprts art calsses or whatever it is they enjoy doind. This could also help out with the bad fried thing to. It'll give them a chance to make new friends, and spend less time with the ones that act out in a way that is not ok with you. Algon those lines I would also tell them that being mean, and using bad words is jsut not somthing that we do in this family. Use your last name to ("thats jsut not what Smiths do"), for what ever reason that has really seemed to help my boy!

You also need some time to your self too. you need time to take a deep breath and do what ever it is you do to relax. If you are relaxed and happy you can handle things better. And ever night not matter how bad they have been acting make sure you kiss them good night and tell them that you still love them no matter what.

My thoughts are with you. keep us posted and let us know how things turn out. Best wishes