33 answers

What to Do with My Husband's Ex Wife?

I've been miersable for 6 years putting up with my husband's ex wife. I have 2 stepsons now 14 and 9 year olds.
Everytime they come for the summer, hoildays to visit and when they had to go back home, She always ended up sending us a email blaming me for doing this and that, trying to make me out to be a real bad monster, and when they came last summer, I was afraid to touch them, or to discpline them so I had to leave it all to my husband.
Now my stepson whom is 14 years old hates me saying Im a monster, he talks just like her and it really hurts me.
My husband and the ex always sending emails, fighting, cussing at one another and I cave in to try email her to solve problems, I get replies like butt out, and such.
What can I do?
I left him 3 times since 6 years because of this, It is very stressful and it not good for me and my 6 year old son!
It's like I'm a very bad person running from law or something!
6 years is long enough, At first I thought it may be like 1-2 years as others told me but it contiuned!
I'm not really looking forwarding for the 14 year to be here for the summer because of his behaviors, his threats. We used to be close when he was younger, I been in his life since he was 7 years old. I'm close to my other stepson whom is 9. Im afraid when summer is over, We both would be fighting with the ex all over again! She is now refusing us to have the boys this summer but I dont know.. Court orders not being followed.
Do they still love eachother? I offered them to get back together few times, My husband hated her but I dont know what else to do, I told him if it happens one more time, I am leaving and filing for a divorce!

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thanks for all the advices..
I m feeling a lot of power lately and things are goinng a lot better these days..
My 10 year old stepson and I are still extremely close and hes here for the rest of the summer, We went and got him on June 5th, along with polices and left the 14 year old son behind, we never said ONE WORD to the ex wife and to the 14 year old as advised.
His ex wife and his 14 year old son called last night (june 23rd), ASKED FOR ME.. and said, I AM SORRY!
I know now, Things will get a lot better!
Thanks so much for all the advices you have given me!

Featured Answers

Don`t do anything! When she emails you, don`t respond. If she calls you, don`t answer. Eventually she will get tired and give up. If all else fails, contact a lawyer and ask his advice.

H.

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

Let him handle all the discipline and his ex. He should confront the 14 year old when he's in your home if he disrespects you. Sounds like a jealous ex wife.

1 mom found this helpful

Dear L., I had a similar situation with my husband's ex. There were four children who lived with us and were raised by me. It really never got any better. I loved the children, so I prayed and kept a low profile where she was concerned. She did not pay child support or offer assistance in any way. This was a blessing in disguise because she did realize at times she had to watch her step.

Here's the bright spot, those kids did grow up and in most circumstances had an awareness about their mother's behavior.

This was me. You are you. If, indeed, you cannot wait for the boys to grow up, perhaps you should make plans to leave the relationship. Nobody can fully appreciate your circumstances because we don't have to live your life. Follow your heart, and go if you must.

Best wishes and God bless.

1 mom found this helpful

Why don't your husband and you take the offer of not having the kids this summer? I think it will be a good idea to be away from them this summer and maybe they will realized that if they love their father so much and are not going to see him this summer, they will change their attitude. Also, it will put a little more work for the ex-wife this summer and maybe you, your 6 yrs old and your husband will have a great summer. Listen, the more your husband fights with his ex the more she is loving it, tell him it is not worth the time and effort spent doing such a wasteful thing, at the end your husband and you are more stressed with each other and it is not fair. Your husband does not have to respond to her emails, unless they are about the kids health and problems. Other than that, let her say what ever it is that she is saying and let her be miserable with herself, but if you repond to her emails than you are letting her know that she is still important to you and your husbands lifes. Please don't let her control your lifes, just let her say whatever, at the end you know she is wrong and why argue. Right???? Have your tried writing the 14 yrs old a letter? Just a simple letter telling him how much he means to you and your husband. Tell him how much you miss the good old days, when the two of you were close and that you would like to be his friend and not his monster step mother. Ask him what it is that you need to do to be his friend and have his love and trust. Make sure you tell him that you are never going to even try to take his mother's place, you are his father's new wife and you love his father and his family very much. I don't know that might help!!! Sometimes we express our thoughts better in paper than verbally. If your husband is a wonder man, don't give the ex the satisfaction of breaking up your marriage. It didn't work for her, but that does not mean that it won't work for you. By the way, how do his kids get along with you son? Sometimes we just have to have more patience than the one that came along with us. Just hang in there is he is a good husband, then don't let him go. If you know that you are not a monster than don't worry what the kids call you, right now the 14 yr old is going through a very, very crucial time for him, puverty, which if you remember is a confusing age and they are between a kid and an adult. Which to me that is very confusing. Good luck!!!!

1 mom found this helpful

I was in the same situation. Sometimes the children don't understand. It is natural for them to want their parents back. We ended up sitting down and talking it out. You, husband and exwife need to discuss your concerns about what is best for the children. Fighting is not the answer. Discuss your feelings with your husband and go from there.

1 mom found this helpful

Hey L.,
There is alot going on here. Well since there is not a positive way to reach this ex,your husband needs to just cut her out in the respect of communication she's not willing she just wants to badger. It sounds like your husband plays into her hands as well as the 14 year old. So what he needs to do is treat her as an ex she's not trying to work with him in the best interest of the kids. If your ex is caught up on child support shouldn't be a problem because she is breaking all the rules of the court order. For instance he can have the police escort him to her house to pick up his boys if he feels theres going to be a problem he needs to have the court order with him for the police can look it over. She will be arrested if she is out of hand with the police. She would have to have a police report on file on why it is dangerous for the boys to leave with him. Another thingis he needs to stand tall by yourside and leave her out because she is running the show and the 14 year old knows it. He the 14 year old is in a position that he can't like you because he'd never hear the end of it. She picks them up or they get dropped off and all she is doing is questioning them and if they give the wrong answer there she goes nag nag nag the kids feel like their going to make mom mad. As soon as he stands up to her by the law and not arguing down to her level then his kids will respect that and see that dad is in control. Your husband needs to stand by your side and expect respect for you as his wife, then they will naturally do it. It doesnt mean you have to be a big discipline figure. I don't know everything about the situation but his discipline will be sufficient enough if he is honoring you then the kids will fall in check. This woman is winning she is determined that he's not going to be happy with someone else. Prayer works wonders promise, it will open doors for you, soften hearts and give you wisdom and open your eyes to do and say the right things. Also tell your husband that he shouldnt have conversations with her she is noboby if she wants to act like this he can have the law on his side. Back to court or an escort at his side. She'd shut up then, she needs to see your relationship as an unsinkable ship, your husband needs to feel that way about it when he's dealing with her. Then his kids will to. Also just keep being a loving person as you are those kids will figure things out on their own. Its hard when your parent is the one in the wrong we all want to hold our heads up and be proud of our parents and be secure in knowing they're right, but once they see you and their dad as a power house they'll fall in place. Its frustrating for kids when mom is in control because God designed us where the man is the head of the family, and she the ex doesnt need to be the one who turns the neck anymore. Well after all this if this doens't help and your hubby is non compliant I'd walk because she shouldn't have this control. He has to cut out the arguing with her, he has to know how much more he'd get to her if he just ignored what she was saying and followed his court order. Not thats what we want we want to be able to talk as adults and have the kids best interest at heart. Anyway trust me I've been divorced with 4 kids for like 8 years now my story is a little different but trust me the law is on the abiders side. I'm the ex but for some reason his new wife had a need to prove herself as the perfect mom for all our kids and he was trying to cut me out and I guess he really thought they would want to live with him. Well now my baby is 12 and nobody ever left me, anyway he got behind on child support so I don't hear to much badgering anymore its crazy because everything they'd accuse me of it would be stuff they are actually guilty of. He got behind on child support really thinking the kids would come live with him and then it would even out because I'd pay him anyway he is in a big big mess now so I only hear good stuff. She smarted off around Christmas and I was back on line with the AG asking where my back child support is, so two days later he's contacted and has been sweet ever since. Which reminds me I need to write the AG again he hasn't paid in a couple of months. Long story but he's hiding under a contractor and the company the contractor works for can't take money out of his check on behalf of my ex. I try to think of it as a blessing in disguise because he still owes the money and when he is caught up they are both always making ways. Well she got better when she had her own child with him. She thought I'd be jelous but I'm liking she doesnt feel to be in competition with me. Actually the child is 3 now and he is a bother to them. Kinda ironic he left me for a young thang with no strings now our kids are 12,16 20 and 21 and I can pretty much do whatever I want and he is always stuck with their baby while she is out with her friends. He'd never help me with the kids when they were small. Oh well sorry this is about you!!!!

1 mom found this helpful

L.,

First I am married and have 4 children and let me say marriage is hard and kids are hard. So dealing with an ex and children of your husband and another woman would be even harder. But one thing I will say is to remember the thing we are taught as children, treat her like you would want to be treated. She is his ex, true but she is the mother of his children too and if you treat her with respect maybe just maybe one day she will return that respect. Now will it be easy, no it won't but one of you have to start and try to remember it is for the betterment of the children. Your child is being involved with all of this and the stress it brings to you and your husband. Do you want him to remember their childhood as mom and dad always fighting over the ex? No you don't....but do what you can but remember sometimes you can only do so much, they have to want to work it out as well. Hang in there and do what you can...
Hugs

1 mom found this helpful

Don`t do anything! When she emails you, don`t respond. If she calls you, don`t answer. Eventually she will get tired and give up. If all else fails, contact a lawyer and ask his advice.

H.

1 mom found this helpful

First of all you have to ask yourself do you love your husband and be honest with yourself. Then when you get that answer do what you think will be good for you.
When you come to the conclution you love your husband let him deal with this part of your lives. He sees what you are trying to do and he will understand. I understand that you want to do the right thing but you can only do so much. If the ex-wife can not see that you are try to keep peace and unity with father and kids let her not let them come to your house and visit, sometimes it takes that. Then she will realize that, when the kids are away she get a peace of mind. Your husband has to decide what is more important to him the ex-wife or his marriage, we already know that the kids will be taken care of, I say that because no matter what you do or don't do thing will not be enough. Hard love is what you have to give sometimes.

1 mom found this helpful

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