I Have No Idea What to Do!!!

NO idea what to tell you, just a question though. Has this all happened since she had the baby? hormonal? just my first though.

CONGRATULATIONS on being so great with your child's father and new step-mother. You OBVIOUSLY have your child's best interest at heart and I commend you for that.

I'm not in this situation, but if it were me.....

A: I would talk to the ex to see if you can cut her out as much as possible when she isn't necessary. I know that's going to be tricky b/c she's so intwined in the situation, but it is your son.

B: it sounds like she's threatened by you or bi-polar. Does she maybe have PPD? Does she have control issues? If yes consider the source and don't let her get under your skin.

I know it can't be easy sharing your 6 year old. You want him to know that his mom is on his side, and fights for what's best for him. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Hang in there!! Hugs!!

It seems like the 50/50 isn't working w/her around and being so controlling. I am in the same situation w/my older son now almost 18 but have been divorced from his dad since he was a little over 2 yr old. His dad starting dating a Very controlling woman before our divorce was final and ended up marrying her which they have been married for about 13 yrs. It has push my son away so he isn't very close w/her nor his dad. He tells me things and we have a very open relationship and have always have.
I would say don't contact her, email, text only contact your ex and if she butts in tell her this is between u and your son's dad. She is not part of the divorce decree. I understand what it's like and that she is a part of your son's life as well as your ex's life but if she can not be civil and go with your terms and you will not have anything to do with her. I told my ex's wife the same and I do not talk to them and If i had some issues i go directly to my ex even if it means calling him at work.

I hope this helps.
Believe me it gets easier as your son gets older. I rarely talk to my ex everything is usually through my son.
M.

Hello M B,
I am not sure what all you text Your ex about concerning your child, but please really look at yourself in this situation. Sometimes we think that we are clearly in the right when actually we aren't. I understand that you are really just trying to do what you think is best for your child, but you can't run both households. I would just try to limit the amount of contact w/the ex so that there is no room for speculation on either parties part. There may be some things going on in their relationship or just her that makes it just a little uncomfortable for her.
In co-parenting you must be careful not to over-parent trying to run it for both households. There will be some variables in the two households and that is what happens in divorce. As long as things are not out of control, harmful, or causing disruption at home when your child returns home from over to the dad's, leave them be. Communicate only what is necessary. I know it will not be easy because it is not the ideal situation, but it can and will work out. God Bless you.

.

After my fist son was born, I had the most horrible post partum depression! I thought everyone was going behind my back and deciding to mess with my baby and try to make me be less a part of his life. I felt very threatened by everyone, even my mother in law, who had previously been like a best friend to me. It was just the depression. It took me 9 months to fully recover. It was so horrible and I cried everyday.
I would talk to your ex and see if she is acting crazy toward everyone or just you. I'm not saying it is PPD, but sounds like it could be and if that's the case, there's lots of help out there and she should get help asap for herself AND for her baby (and your son!). Because otherwise she'll drive everyone else crazy!

I myself haven't had to deal with sharing my children with an ex, but I do have a lot of friends that do.

1. I think you should just call your ex, when you need to talk about your son. That way you can avoid her intruding on his behalf. He's your son and your ex's. He does live part-time with his father, but he's still your son.

2. Your son should be with either you or your ex during the school year. It's still sharing custody of him. My best friend had the same 50/50 deal with her son. Once he started school, she got him " full time" while he was in school. Her ex gets him every other weekend, and for so many hours a day during the week. Plus they switch holidays, and the ex gets him for so many weeks in the summer.

3. You need to sit down with a face to face with your ex about your son. That you understand that his new wife is the "head" of her household, but he is the father of ya'll child. That you and he make the decisions about ya'll child.

If you want to keep things "kosher" between all of you. A sit down needs to happen, and the new wife has to understand that your going to be in your ex's life till your son is all grow up.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I haven't been through it myself, but I wanted to suggest that you save and print out every single abusive e-mail that your ex's new wife sends you. Keep them in a file folder. Then if things aren't better in a month or two, make copies of your file, see if you can meet your ex for coffee somewhere and quietly show him the copies. What he may be blowing off as one or two ill-tempered e-mails and texts will seem damning when he sees the extent of them. Maybe that will get his attention and get him to deal with you directly instead of having his wife respond to the texts you send him. I am sure he would never want a family court judge to see how unpleasant she's being towards the other custodial parent.

I am sorry for her, because she may well be overwhelmed with a new baby, but that is no excuse for being abusive and rude to you.

I could have written your request....I feel your pain, I too have been in an almost identical step-situation for the past two years.

We have had many disagreements and it almost ruined our relationship. The only person(s) you need to worry about are your family-do you have any worries about your child while he is under their care-that is a CPS issue otherwise:

1. Things will prob never be consistent at the two homes.

2. Keep an email file/recordings of the threatening emails/text/phone calls-you may need them.

3. Set up a separate email account just for communication regarding your son. Stop the phone calls/texts.

4. Do not text your ex-if it is threatening to her. We have found it best to stick to emails...she will not know if you or your husband answer them. We have this agreement in our home and we work together on responses/communications.

5. I do agree that it is easier for the child(ren) with a consistent home/schedule during the school year and we had to modify the 50/50 agreement to every other TH, F, Sat & Sun.-plus 42 days in the summer. Which we break up so the kids like it better.

In the end it really is about the kid(s) and (I have learned the hard way) you will never control how someone else acts, responds etc.. The ex in our situation is bi-polar-tough for the kids. Be consistent in your requests, get an attorney if it gets worse and tough it out-she will get tired of being a b****.

I haven't been in your situation, but I have a couple of thoughts to share.

1) Moms usually run the households, so even though your new husband isn't involved in the communication you have with your ex and his new wife, your ex's new wife is involving herself in the communication you try to have with your ex. She may see it as her just trying to take care of her family.

2) I think she seems defensive and may feel threatened by the fact that you and your ex still communicate. How is their marriage? Is it possible they aren't as close as SHE would like them to be, or that they are struggling with some issue? Maybe she feels as though she has to stand between you and your ex in order to "defend" her "territory?"

3) Though I know YOU and YOUR EX are the parents of the son you share (and your ex's wife is NOT a parent), I wonder what would happen if you tried going through her rather than going through your ex when you need to talk about schedules or whatever. Maybe doing so would help her feel as though you respect her role as your ex's new wife and the "head" of her family. Maybe then there would be more "best friend" emails and fewer threats. I like the advice you got to print things out, however, just in case things continue or get worse.

4) I agree with the comments about new babies and hormones ... not that you'd want to mention that to her. But maybe she's not handling things as well as you are. Maybe she just needs time to get back to her old self.

Good luck. My sister is divorced and I know child/custody issues are her biggest challenge these days!

Does the step-mom have children of her own?

I think the step mom could handle her problems better than sending you nasty email, however, i do think that...well, at least in my house...though i'm not the "head" of the house i AM the daily planner and executor. I'd say that if you are texting the ex about schedules and concerns for your son that will effect him while in their house....well, i betcha that you'd be better off recognizing that she is the one that will end up doing the work and planning and compliance. My husband rarely has a clue what is going on and i have to keep him on track with that. I have the feeling that your ex's wife isn't intruding on his texts as much as he is probably forwarding them to her to handle. that's what the majorities of husbands would do in my experience!! LOL Even though your son is yours and his, not hers, it is her house and the plans you and he make to keep your son on track at both houses completely effects her household. i bet that is what she is thinking...that her house is led by Y'alls son......GOod luck!

My husband's ex is the antichrist - I wish we had been friends at any point during the past 8 years. That said, she exhibits a lot of the behaviors you're describing - and I believe with all of my heart that she is bipolar.

With the heart of a friend, I would talk to the ex and see if she is showing any other signs of mental illness.

S.

Well, I have the same living situation. 50/50 custody with my ex with an 8 year old son. I am remarried for 4 years now with a 20 month old and ex is remarried with a 1 year old. None of us are great friends, but we get along.

Sounds like the ex's wife is jealous to me. Why is she butting between your ex and your communication? Are you texting him too much perhaps? I think you need to not respond to the step-mom at all in these instances. And I would limit communication with ex for awhile unless it is absolutely a must. Let things cool down. The step-mom is probably feeling like her feet are getting stepped on, but she needs to take that up with her husband and not you. Your ex is probably forwarding your texts to her and letting her handle things, and she is probably very overwhelmed with a new baby and feels out of control. I agree that you should save all of the bad texts and emails incase this continues.

Here is what I do: I never deal with the step-mom unless I have to. I talk to my ex all the time (once or twice a week)and we email or call back and forth about things to keep things consistant for our son. I have found that it is better to pick up the phone and talk to him at work or on his cell. The emailing and texting does not often go too well and it is all too easy to do it too much. I have found that it is best that the stepmom and I do minimal communication. As long as I have a good relationship with my ex, he will take care of his wife. And I know she treats my son really well, so I don't get involved with her.

Also, why isn't your husband involved? My husband has been in my son's life since he was 3 and he is a huge force in his life. My husband has a say in what goes on in our home and I have taken his advice many times. My ex has the same approach with him - minimal contact and deals with me, then I work things out in my home. I think he has to step up to the plate and get involved with your son and parenting him. Even if i don't agree with him all the time, I never cross him or go against him in front of my son. (I get on him in private if I don't like how he is handling things.) He is the head of our household and deserves a say in what goes on with everyone in it.

I have a had a problem in the past of trying to communicate too much with the ex and it has back fired. It was out of the same concern for my son's consistancy, but it was also hard for me to let go of control over my son's life when he was away from me. I still really have a hard time with it - even after 6 years apart from my ex. Make sure your expectations are not too high, as well. It was really hard for me (and still is) when things are not done like I think they should be at the other house. As long as the main things are agreed upon, that is all you can expect. I basically tell my ex what we are doing at our house (bedtimes, vitamins, routines, etc.) and let him decide what he wants to do in his. As long as there is not a HUGE difference between the two, your son will be fine. My ex lets my son be on the TV/computer way to much and we have limits, they eat in front of the TV and we eat at the table, behavior tolerances are different, etc. Your son will adjust to the expectations as long as there are clear rules in each home - even if they are different rules. Is it ideal if things are exactly the same in each home? Of course! But that is just a complete impossibility. If you and your ex were still together you would have parenting differences and such, which only seem worse in a situation like this where what you say and feel really has no bearing on the ex - you have no influence over him anymore.

Talk to your ex, if after you really cool it on the communication, she is still coming after you. I bet she calms down soon if you take a step back and let her run her household the way she sees fit and have some time to adjust to being a new mom.

Best of luck!

It sound to me as if you are both women that have their households best interest at heart, and it is great that one or both of you have been able to bite your tongues for this long in the interest of keeping peace, but your email raises a question for me?

Exactly what is so urgent that you need to "text" the ex so often? Personally I feel texting is intrusive and annoying. Perhaps that is what she is referring to by "stay out of her household."

Take a moment and try to look at things with her eyes. She is married to a man that shares custody with his ex-wife and they (her husband and you) have agreed to raise their son one way. Now SHE and Your ex-husband have a child. Now it is her chance to have a say in the way her child is raised, but that is difficult to do if you are always telling then what they can or can't do or what they are doing wrong. These "texts" from you may be upsetting your ex-husband in turn that upsets the household. Top that with the emotions of having a new baby in the house... man talk about stress!

No one is going to raise your child the way YOU think it should done. Unless there is an extreme emergency reserve your communication to visitation exchange times. Unless your son is being abused at the other house, accept that your parenting style in YOUR house is going to be different than the parenting style in THEIR house.

I say all of this from experience as the "Step"-Mom. The only difference is that I RAISED my husbands two kids while the bio-mother did everything she could to undo the morals we tried to teach the kids. I held my tongue every time she accused me for her loosing her kids. Then one day after I had a baby I snapped back. I REFUSED to let her effect the life of my birth child and I finally put my foot down.

D.
SAHM mom of three (19,18,and 5).
Home baker and crafter. Married to the same wonderful man for almost 12 years.

Stop emailing your ex. Call him directly----you two are the custodial parents--no one else. Explain you concerns with him and tell him of the emails---offer to show them to him if he doubts it----but take her out of the loop!

It sounds like she might be bipolar. Things change hour by hour. My husbands ex is bipolar. I don't have to deal with her he does. Can't give you much advice since I'm not in your same situation