What to Do About a Friend?

I have a little different spin on this. I think you need closure. The thought of leaving it hanging the way it is bothers you so here is my opinion.

She was a good friend of yours before the kid came along so perhaps you might just give her a call (or email her again if you don't get to talk to her person-to-person) to say that you appreciate her past friendship but your needs have changed since your lifestyle has changed and a friend that takes an active interest in your mother role and your kid is important to you now and you understand that people grow apart. Wish her love and blessings and ask her to keep in touch.

I have had a similar situation in my life (I think we all have) and this ended up being a good way to transition our relationship to where it needed to be and we both felt understood and respected.

Good luck!

Erinn- this is just imo, but I have been there on this one, and I don't think it's worth contacting her. One sided friendships aren't really friendship. I know I was always hurt and disappointed when I had a my "friendship" like that. I have you considered looking to a local moms to group to try to find some friends who have common interest? Best of luck to you..

I would just let it go! If the relationship is truly that one sided and you are tired of it, just let go. If you miss her and you feel like you can over look the selfishness, give her a call.
We all grow at different rates and you seem like you are at a different phase than your friend maybe sometime in the future you will be in the same place?
HTH,
R.

I think you should let it go. I have a situation somewhat like this and the sad thing is mine is with my sister whom I've always been beyond close with. I absolutely miss her but she's no longer that person so I know I just need to let our relationship evolve to whatever it's going to be. I can't chase after what was.

There was another question similar to this by Cindy S. on Aug 8th. She also got alot of responses. Good luck!

Erinn-

I agree with the other Moms. I'd let it go. Unfortunately, there are so many people in the world like your friend. But a friendship isn't one sided and it's to much energy and stress to hold on to friendships that don't provide something for you as well. When you've got a family, work, and such to deal with there's very little time left for friendships that don't give back. I've had friends like this as well as an aunt whom I used to be very close to. She never asks about me, my family, our new house, my job, nothing. But she would talk about herself for hours on end and never find it strange that we never talk about me. I got tired of it and just disconnected and now only see her on holidays. I know she's upset and I feel I owe her an explanation but the thing is, people like this tend to blame you rather than themselves when you point it out. Even if it's not said rude. It could be a case of narcissism too which is actually a disease and it's really sad. There are so many wonderful women out there that would love a good friend and be willing to as giving as you are.

Good luck!
D.

If I were in your shoes, I'd leave it alone. Regardless of how you delivered your message, you were honest about your feelings. I would take her lack of response as a sign that your friendship may not have been as true as you once thought or hoped for. I certainly would not feel guilty for expressing your feelings and like someone else stated, you can make new friends. Hopefully someone who will share more interests.

It is likely that your friend is envious of your situation. You are married and have a baby. Your friend is single without child. I am assuming that since you are MDs you are in your 30s. This is a stressful time for your friend to be single. It may be difficult for her to watch all the wonderful things happening in your life so she doesn't ask. That being said, only you can decide if the friendship is worth salvaging. I would probably reach out to her and see if you can get a dialogue going about how you have been feeling about the friendship. My guess is that she will tell you some things you do not expect to hear about how she is feeling. Be prepared and open to listen to her side too. I agree with the other posts that many times throughout our life we evolve and so do our friendships (some even end). I hope your friendship can evolve into something you and your dear friend can both live with. Good luck!

Not sure if this is the case with your friend, but it's worth considering. Many people I know who are physicians are sometimes reluctant to 'diagnose' or 'prescribe treatment' outside of their practice. It's certainly not that they're trying to get the patient in the door so they can get payment for their opinions, but many times the physician does not know all the details and case history, nor might they want to feel like they're overstepping their bounds with a friend by offering up potentially unsolicited advice. Some people just like to keep their personal and professional lives separate.

You wrote her, she didn't respond. How long has it been? If you're really, really invested in this relationship and want to try to salvage it, give it one more shot. But, remember, relationships involve 2 (or more!) people so if she's not giving anything then don't waste your time and energy.

Hi there! you've got so many good responses, however i wanted to write to let you know I am in the same boat. I had a roommate in college and afterwards she and I and a couple of other girls remained good friends. Five years ago she was in my wedding and I thought of her as one of my closest friends. Once I got married and moved (I had been approx. 4 hours away = when I moved to the Chicago land area we were only about 45 mins. away) it seemed she never returned my calls and whenever we'd have girl get togethers at my place she always had an excuse not to make it. I still saw her at other girls houses and whenever she'd have people over I made sure to attend. At one time she worked just a few miles from where our apartment was - she never stopped by after I invited a few times.

She made up an excuse not to come to my baby shower and never called during my pregnancy to see how I was doing. I would call and she'd not answer - then I may get an email a week later saying she was sorry she missed my call, etc. Anytime I do get an email from her she says "I miss you, we should get together." For one of our friends, one of our former roommates, she helped with her baby shower. I felt really hurt that not only did she help with her shower, but she never even came to mine. The day of our friends shower was the first time she saw my baby despite the fact that at that time he was nearly 6 months (nope, never even called to congratulate us on the baby or see how I was doing).

I decided to give up. If/when I see her I will be nice, but I am no longer going to keep a one-sided friendship. I do hope yours turns out better, but I wanted (like I said above) to let you know I am in the same boat. I have joined a moms group - Cary Mom's group - and feel I relate to many of those women much better anyway as we have so much more in common these days. Good luck!!!!

Erinn, I've learned that some friends suit certain "stages" or "seasons" of your life. Some are for your whole life, no matter what stage your in. It sounds like your friend was meant only to be a friend for a certain stage of your life-- now that your stages are out of synch, she's not interested. I'd let her go. Good friends are interested in each other's lives-- she's not reciprocating-- let her go.

Erinn..let it go..If she was a true friend she would have taken an active interest in your life, your families life...she didnt..you were just her sounding board as she saw fit..A true friend is one that is always there for you, no matter if its 1x a week, 1x a month, by phone or email..All of us are guilty at times of just sounding off about our problems, and forgetting that others have them also, but we usually bounce back really quick and realize our friend might need some advice or a shoulder..Doesnt sound like she really cared. I miss some of my old friends, but I get over it quickly and move on. Some of them just stopped talking to me because my husband got transferred out of state, how rude is that. But you know, you are the better person you will persevere. You know that "cleaning" house of friends and getting rid of the negative people in your life isnt a bad thing, its a really good thing. Focus on your family. Its hard these days to make friends(I think) but you will, especially when you least expect it.

Did you ever try doing something for yourself? I joined a direct sales company because it sounded fun and now because I have made SOOOOOOOOO many good friends that also are with the company. I also joined a gym, but never got to really talking with anyone there. I cant "make" friends with my job, because I work out of the house and 99% of the people I supervise live out of state..Everything will work out in the long run..It sound liek its for the best...

Take care..
K.
www.arkparties.com

I also experienced many changes in several friendships when my son was born 4 years ago. I am a social worker and a single friend, without children, who is also a social worker verbalized very clearly that she just couldn't handle it...that it was too hard for her. I suggested we try to work it out together but she just couldn't do it.

This is not uncommon (in fact I think the changes at this time are so profound I started a support group for first time moms). In addition to your friend possibly being jealous (if she would like to have children) your primary focus has changed and as you are adjusting you are probably not available in the same ways you were. You could acknowledge these things to her and say that you miss the friendship and see if the two of you can work it out from there.

Sometimes these things can be worked out but often atleast a temporary time apart just happens.

I still miss these old friends and was very sad for sometime about this for sometime. My life is very different than it was and I have more recently begun to fill in the voids by meeting other mom's who are closer to where I am. I know that you are working full time so that makes it more difficult but you might want to consider beginning to go to classes with your child, an NPN group or a new mom's support group to begin to make new connections.

Good Luck,

J. V.

BTDT I think as you age everyone has paths they take with their life.... I was the 1st to have a child in my group of friends I disconnected from everyone because we were not on the same wave anymore as years went on I found new friends I shared similar interests with those old friends are friends but as I call them friends because we have the past we talk here and there but thats about it. My new found friends who share the kids, parenting, school struggles and so on those are my every day people. With age time and being a parent long enough you will realize that the most important thing is your family anyways anything else is a time filler.

J. momma of 3
Haley 3 Justin 7 and Paul 30...lol

I would try and call her. Even if you don't rekindle your friendship and become best buds again... at least you will have some closure to it and be comfortable with moving on :)

In my honest opinion, I would just leave it alone and make some new friends. I think it would take a lot of work, and people often times, don't change to the extent you would like. I think that pre-kids, friendships are different than after kids. I am not saying that you shouldn't keep any friends who are without kids, but things change on both sides. Anyway, I doubt she will be able to look past her hurt feelings. I know if someone sent me an email like that, I would have an extremely hard time forgiving and forgetting.

Lots of good and valid responses here. I'm writing to share a recent sad experience, as it has had a strong impact on how I value friendships. I lost touch with a friend after high school. We did a lot together in middle school and high school. We never had a "falling out"--we moved on to college, and just drifted apart. I have often wondered what happened to her, and was hoping to catch up at our class reunion. Unfortunately, she wasn't there. I learned that she passed away recently. I have so much regret for losing touch. I always thought I could eventually reclaim the friendship, but there is no time left. Good luck with whatever you decide. Some friendships truly do last a life time and others do not. In my particular case, I wish this one had. Your situation may not be the same, and that is ok. I just wish things had worked out differently in my situation.

Best,
R.