What Should You Do When You Have a Mother-in-law That Can't Let Go?

30 years? What a waste of energy and time.. And this all revolves around one person.

Your husband (also SIL) need to man up and let MIL know they will no longer stand for this.. To bring in a new generation of children into this mess, is like a sin.

This all should have been settled decades ago. IF your husband and his sister are not willing to put their foot down.. your children will be the ones to suffer. I also think they owe, FIL apologies, that they never took care of this. He deserves his own peaceful time with his children.. Enough is enough.. They need t sit Mama down and tell her they will no longer follow these selfish requests. And then they need to JUST do it.. MIL will then see what she has brought onto herself.

MIL has emotional issues. To devote this much negative attention on herself, shows she has many emotional issues.. Do not continue to "feed the beast".

You are right, but this is your husbands baggage and he will have to feel strong enough to set him mother straight. I would suggest you let your husband know that it is okay to do just that.......in a kind way of course.

It would be awful to bail on your FIL now and you can point that out to your husband. He can tell your Mom it's the morning or the day after Christmas........if he is ready to do that.

I'm so sorry! My parents still hold gruges too and it's been 16 years. It's definitley not as bad as your situation but it can get there, lucky we have a lot of miles between everyone. But I would definitley talk with your husband let him know your concerns. Stick with your original plans and his mom will just have to get over it. It's her loss if she wants to act that way. Make sure she understands how you all feel and let her know it's not ok the act like she is. Good luck to you!

Perhaps your hubby can make the executive decision that "even" numbered years are at mom's and "odd" numbered years are at dad's. That way, everyone knows what's up. If weather or some other unforseen event prevents travel, that's the way it goes.

Or, you could not see either parent on Christmas and just stay home with your immediate family. Works like a charm for getting rid of drama.

My parents divorced nearly 30 years ago, too, and my mom tried the same drama with me and my husband. After one year of doing the Christmas shuffle, we quit. We spend Thanksgiving with my mom, we spend one day in December with my in-laws and we spend Christmas at home, just us. My dad moved far away, so we just call him. Every year, for the last 15 years, my mom asks if we're coming out for Christmas and every year we so no, we're staying home. She learned the hard way that drama is no fun if no one is interested in it.

Bottom line, though, it's your husband's family, so he gets to figure it out. There's no way you can win this one, so stay out of it.

Good luck!

I say decide what you will do with your family and then let them know your schedule. Its only fair to see both parents, I am sure FIL isn't so dramatic but his feelings will probably be hurt not to see you guys whether he tells you or not. I do this with my family, of course I try to coordinate with my family, like my parents want to see both my family and my brother's but SIL's family and my hubby's family have to be taken into consideration, so we try to make a schedule, like Christmas Eve with one family and Christmas day with the other or every other year depending on if we travel. This year we did Thanksgiving with the hubby's family (out of town and spent a few days) and Christmas day with my family. I never get a guilt trip because we'll just stay home otherwise. The whole day today we spent it just us going to the park, making cookies, and watching movies, and a nice dinner instead of going to visit cause I am just too tired being preggy.

See drama-free FIL. Let drama queen MIL deal with it.

What Patty W said. She's being immature, and her kids are the ones that need to show her that and mean it.

But also, the season is so full of baggage, that I think it would be fine to create a new tradition with his Dad. Christmas day is just a day (the secular part, anyway). I think it's perfectly fine to celebrate the "day" anytime between Christmas and New Years. Don't let a "day" tie you all down. See him when you want.

WOW, sounds like my childhood. My Grandparents divorced when my Dad was a toddler, he didn't see his father again until he was 25. ( My mom found him for my dad). As kids we were NEVER aloud to mention My Grandpa to Grandma that we knew him or had ever visited him. It was all very odd. Even though they had both remarried long ago. Your husband has a right to visit,love and be apart of both their lives. No matter how the divorce came about. Someone needs to let the MIL no how unfair she is being to her Grandchildren they have a right to know all sides of their family.

Your MIL can't let go of the past but you and your husband can refuse to allow her to drag you along with her!! Maybe you could plan to have 2 Christmas celebrations...one with her and one with your FIL. The best way to control it is to have it at YOUR house...maybe you could alternate which one gets "the day" and which one gets an alternate day.
I don't know how I would handle the nonsense of not mentioning your FIL and what he and his wife get your children around the crazy MIL!!! That is not teaching a good lesson in how to treat others to your children. THey need to be allowed to love and cherish each of their grandparents and step grandparents...and not be forced to "choose".
I understand what you are going through....my husbands parents divorced when he was 6 years old...and he didn't see his Dad again until 35 years later when our youngest was a baby. My MIL was NOT happy that her ex had stepped back into her childrens lives...in fact it caused quite a rift between her and my husband for a while. Of course my own husband is just as guilty...we have been married 41 years and his blood pressure STILL skyrockets anytime that his exwife is mentioned!!! lol Of course it helps that no one else in the family has anything to do with her anymore..she has managed to alienate ALL of her children!!!
All I can tell you is that you are not responsible for making your MIL happy...that is HER issue not yours. So you start some of your own family traditions....do what is important to YOUR family...and don't let her spoil it for you with her drama!!
Merry Christmas

What a mess! Your mil has learned that she can control everyone with her drama. The only way to stop it is to make your own plans and stick with them. When she starts in with her dramatic words, don't listen. Tell her that your family has made a decision. IF she keeps whining/talking say goodbye and leave or hang up the phone.

Yes, I has to be your husband to talk with her and then you back him up.

It's so obvious she is hurting everyone else's feelings. Why are people concerned about making her happy? Her happiness is her responsibility. Yours is yours. You'll have to consciously keep yourself from getting sucked into her drama.

Perhaps if you and your husband take a stand, other relatives will have the courage to join you. You're all adults and need to take care of your selves and your needs. She cannot create this chaos without other people's permission.