Got Married Now What? 2 Sets of Parents to Please on Christmas Day.

Hi W. - I didn't read the other posts- though I caught the beginning of one and I agree - Christmas for you now is about your Immediate Family - You, Hubby, Kids. Everyone else is secondary. You have to do what's best for you and your family. Set a new tradition for everyone. Christmas Day is for you, hubby, kids. Both sets of Grandparents can switch each year from having either Christmas Eve day, or Day After Christmas (Boxing day in England :)

Same for Thanksgiving - I say let them cook and have them decide if they want to have you for Thanksgiving or "Leftover Day" (day after :)

You don't say how far away you live from each other - it sounds like reasonably close from your post. You can't please them all, and they need to grow up and be the adults. It's just a freaking day on the calendar, anyway. What matters is sharing the love during the season.

Our families are in PA or FL, and we decided not to travel this year, as we did much too much at the end of 07/beginning of 08. I'll miss everyone, but not all the drama and trauma of travel, so I totally understand where you're coming from.

Good luck! Get your husband involved in the solution, and enjoy!

I haven't read the other responses, but in my opinion, I don't think you're being selfish. To me, Christmas is more about letting the kids have fun, not making adults happy. We did the two families on Christmas day for a while when we first got married and it never seemed like we got a Christmas. Then, once we had kids, we put our foot down and said we no longer are going anywhere on Christmas day. I wouldn't want my kids to get all their new presents and then spend the day travelling and sitting at other people's houses. We also wanted to start our own traditions. The way I see it, once we got married and had kids, we became our main family and the rest (our siblings and parents) became extended family. We just agreed that no matter how much guilt either side put us through, we would hold our ground. If my husband gave into his mom, then we'd have to go to my parents and vice versa. The way we've compromised is this. . . We see my husband's family the Saturday before Christmas. We get to gether with his siblings / parents / cousins and have a big meal and exchange gifts. On CHristmas Eve, we get together with my family and exchange gifts and eat together and then all go to church together. (My inlaws don't go to church on Christmas Eve and I insist we do, so that's why we always spend that day with my family and not alternate). Then, Christmas Day, we stay home. Grandparents are welcome to come and visit the kids or even spend the night Christmas Eve to see the excitement. My parents usually alternate coming to our house for the morning and my sisters in the afternoon. My inlaws don't care to come, but I invite them every year.

My advice would be to work out a compromise and don't go see anyone on Christmas day (of course, you can invite them to your house if you want). Maybe work out a schedule where one year, you spend Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas Eve with the other. We alternate Thanksgiving every year between my husband's family and mine because trying to go to two places is just crazy with the kids. Or have a big family thing on New Year's even. It can be done!

Dear W.,
Use your power to get what you want. The power of GRANDCHILDREN!

Tell the parents that starting next year Christmas time you will be staying at home. Tell them they are welcome to come visit at your house. But Christmas happens at your place because of the grandkids.

Holiday Dinner is another issue altogether... we've all had to eat our share of double dinners and suffer through the moth balls (oh, I wish it were mothball smells at my in-laws, that'd be an improvement).

When we visited our parents (both ours are out of state) we'd host a Christmas Eve dinner either at a hotel or at the guest house of my family for all our friends and families in that town. It was our deal, we hosted, we invited and everyone sucked it up and played nice for a few hours with the grandkids. You could do that at your house too. That way there's no pressure to run to anyones house Christmas Day.

Grandkids rule, trust me. When I figured out the power they instilled in me with my parents I was overjoyed.

As a child of divorced parents (with 3 remarries in there), I know a thing or two about splitting holidays. Also throw in my in-laws & their family when I got married. It became even worse when we had our son.

YOU CAN'T PLEASE ANYONE. You have to take the bull by the horns & tell them, "I'm sorry, but we're staying home for Christmas." Don't feel bad...it's sucks having to travel for the holidays all the time. Believe me. It's your family, & you make the decisions...not your mom or in-laws.

i stay home for xmas. end of story. i will travel for thanksgiving or new years, but not xmas. if you want to be with me, then you come to me. i traveled one year for xmas and was miserable minus all MY traditions. it didn't even feel like xmas at all. do i see my family more than his? sure but his lives out of state so that's my excuse. they are happy to get us for a few days after xmas or on thanksgiving.

What we do it have Christmas Eve at his parents and Christmas Day at my mom's. We wake up and open our stuff at home and then go to my mom's for the rest of the day. You can't please everyone! Just try to talk to your husband and maybe you guys can just do your own thing alone on Christmas and visit the family members on another day. Good Luck!

Here's what we do, and I'm telling you this because I see that you have two kids.

Christmas is not about fun, it's about LOVE. Yes, it can be loads of fun, but the root of the day is LOVE.

BUT, once I became a mom I had a rule. My kids will spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at home. PERIOD!!

So, my husband and I do this. We alternate years for Thanksgiving. One year with his family, the next with my family. Christmas Eve dinner is with my family. Christmas morning is at our house, but anybody is welcome to join us there. Christmas lunch is with hubby's family. This spreads out the LOVE and doesn't stress us out as much. We just found that running around all day from one place to another was too much and we spent more time in the car than we did with family.

Ok, I do agree that you are being totally selfish. Why would you want to keep your husband from his family? As soon as you get married you give up part of who you were before, it has to be that way for the marriage to work. 50/50, a partnership. Sit down with your husband. Tell him how you feel about the Holidays and then set a plan for next year. Give everybody fair notice to what your plans are and don't let anybody push you around. My hubby and I have been so much less stressed out now that we set our rules. We know exactly where we are going and who we will spend the day with and everything.

Your families may be upset about this at first, but they will come around and understand. You, your hubby and your kids are your family and ultimately they come first.

Good luck and have a Merry Christmas!

I know how you feel. I much prefer being with my parents for Christmas and stuff too but hubby hates the drama at my parents. We go to my parents house on Christmas Eve so the kids can open presents that nanny and papo got for them. Christmas is my time with the kids and we are usually doing the parent swap later on Christmas Day. Of course, we still have hubbys family we have to see. Very understanding and we usually have Christmas with them on New Years Day. A little strange I know but it definately works for us. Maybe trying to set up Christmas on seperate days like that so it isn't so stressful for you but everyone gets to have Christmas with you and your family.
Good Luck!

We don't live in the same state as either of our parents but I understand. We travel for Thanksgiving and we usually always to go his parents because they live the farthest away. However this year we started rotating for Thanksgiving because my family was feeling that we never come there for Thanksgiving, which was true.

However for Christmas, that's a tradition that I want our immediate family to have all to ourselves so we don't travel. Even if they were in town, I don't want to be house hopping on Christmas day. My husband's brother lives in town and I've invited him over because I don't want to leave my house at all on Christmas day. I have 4 small kids and they want to do one thing on Christmas day and that's PLAY and that's alright with me.

Staying Christmas Eve at his parents and then going to your parents on Christmas Day sounds like an even trade at this point. However, I would start in October of next year and let everyone know that you will be having Christmas at your house next year. All who want to come will come....from both sides!

My husband and I struggled with 3 families at the holidays because his parents are divorced, but we've worked out a good system that we explained to everyone. So, here's what we do - we spend Thanksgiving with one family, then Christmas day with the other family. Then, the next year, we switch. So, every other year, we spend Christmas with my family. It was hard the first year because that was my first Christmas away from my family, but we usually have a "mini" Christmas before or after the holidays with my mom, dad, and brother to have dinner and exchange gifts. My father-in-law's family prefers a quiet Christmas day, so we spend Christmas eve with them. Thankfully, my MIL and my parents get along great, so she often joins us for my family's Thanksgiving/Christmas, which helps accomplish two things at once.

My cousin's family likes a quiet Christmas at home, so they stay home to open presents and have brunch in the morning, then they join the larger family Christmas in the afternoon after lunch, which is another option you could consider.

Since it's your husband's parents who are the trouble-area here, I think you have no choice. A marriage is about compromise, so if he wants to see them for a certain amount of time, you should go with him, regardless of how uncomfortable it is for you. You should never be the wedge that pushes your husband away from his family. Imagine if the situation were reverse and he didn't like visiting your family. Would you let him keep you visiting them because he doesn't like it? Yes, Christmas is supposed to fun, but it's supposed to be fun for EVERYONE, not just for you. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices so that others can be happy. Trust me... I make a sacrifice when I go to my FIL's and I know my husband sacrifices when he goes with me to my family's house.

My mom has 10 kids, and most of them had spouses. She decided about 10 years ago to host "Christmas" on the second Saturday of December. It works out great. Everyone attends and there is no pull from the in-laws to go to their house. She makes a big Christmas dinner, we have presents, and even the in-laws comment on what a stress reliever it is not to have to fight over where to go on Christmas. My mom comes out looking like a saint for sparing the families from the torture of picking houses on Christmas. I love my MIL, but I just don't feel comfortable in her house, but it is a lot easier to deal with when I know I didn't have to sacrafice going to my parents house for Christmas. It also stopped all the fights between my husband and I. It is too late this year, but it is something to think about next year. This year, I would definitely go to your in-laws first, this way when you are at your parents, you won't be leaving under duress and you could possibly stay longer.

I agree with the other ladies, just say that you prefer to spend Christmas with your kids at home. For us, we usually have Christmas dinner at my mom's, but spend Christmas Eve and morning at our own home at our own pace.

For my husband's side of the family we pick a day seperate from Christmas to celebrate together (my idea, thank you very much) and everyone has loved it. My sister in law (their daughter) said she had been wanting to do it that way for years but was afraid to say anything.

I know they are family, but they have to understand that you have your own family now and you have to have your own time together. My mother in law had a hard time with this, but now says that she enjoys her quiet Christmas.

Good luck!!

My husband and I do our own thing - and it changes every year - and everyone knows we never listen, so there's no point in guilt tripping. Last year, he and I did Christmas at home about 5 days early, then my 2 and I went to my family's (800 miles away) and did Christmas. The year before that, I think we did Christmas at our house, and the year before that I went to my family for Turkey day and did Christmas at his sister's. Whoever wants to show up is more than welcome, family guilt be darned.

Here's a thought, though - what if, in the years coming, you stay home for Turkey day - start your own tradition, and do his parents Christmas eve - all day long if necessary, do Christmas a day early, then go home to your house and do Christmas morning with your kids, then do Christmas day at your parent's house. If your husband would rather go to his parents - I would do my best to be ok with that.

We spend Christmas Eve (home by @ 10)with hubby's family and Christmas morning at home. The rest of Christmas Day (from @ 11 on) is at my family's. We ended up very fortunate in that both sets of family's live only 5 miles from us and each has a different tradition. BUT - I think we may end up having to put our foot down and stay home in the very near future on Christmas Day. My kids are getting old enough to want to stay home with their stuff. That being said - I am with the other mom's. Alternate Christmas Eve, stay at home that night and host Christmas Day at your house. It may mean a little more work for your but the less stress may be worth it. Hope this helps. Have a very Merry Christmas !

understandable that you feel more comfortable at your mom's house. I always have to try to remember that my hubby probably feels the same way at HIS parent's house. We have both sets of parents within 5 miles of us so we try to trade off x-mas day and thanksgiving every year...so if we spend thanksgiving with one set then we do x-mas day with the other. It works when we stick to it! Then we do a make up x-mas day another time. If spending equal time with both sides of the family is important to your hubby try your best to tough it out. Try inviting the in-laws over to your house. I understand your pain, though. It can be hard b/c sometimes you just want to be selfish!

We have it arranged so we spend Thanksgiving at his side of the family and see my family the Saturday after, and on Christmas my family comes to us, and we see his side either that Friday or Saturday after Christmas. We have a tougher time since our children have 9 grandparents due to the multiple divorces in our parents generation. It gets crazy but we have set to have Christmas day here and we work everyone else in when we can...we do not overload our day.

I'm sure you know how blessed you are to have both sets of your parents to spend the holidays with and that they both want you to spend time with them. No one has the perfect parents. My own drive me crazy much of the time, but I'll regret not seeing them as much as possible when they are gone. I think you and your husband should have some alone time to celebrate together and then see your families no matter how boring it may be. Your husbands's idea sounds like a good one and then you could have Christmas night at your own home, just the two of you.

Well here goes. When you got married, it unfortunately meant you were going to have to make sacrifices when it came to family, both yours and his (take it from me, I've sacrificed for 16 years now). You may have to start trading off each year. One year spend Christmas Eve with one family and Christmas day with the other, and then switch off the following year.
Get over hating the smell of moth balls and the temperature. You don't mention if you and your husband are the only ones that go over there or if it is other family as well. If not, invite them to your house if you don't think you can manage for one day. If his parents are much older, there may not be many Christmas' left for you to have to worry about. But while they are here, make the best of it and make it memorable for everyone. Think of things to do so that it isn't boring. Your husband will be grateful.

How about you set the traditions for your own family. If you want your kids to be home Christmas morning, do that. Then see one set of folks Christmas Eve (but don't spend the night -- go home afterwards and have your own family time). See the other set of folks in the afternoon or evening on Christmas Day (or the day after, which is even better in my opinion -- kids want time to play with their new stuff on Christmas day!). You can rotate each year as to who "gets" you on whichever day.

Also, I know families who visit one side of the family at Thanksgiving, then the other at Christmas. The two holidays are just weeks apart, I don't know why one family needs to "have" you for both. I would NOT recommend you and your husband going separate ways though. Not a good idea. You're a family and you should experience all this love together ;-). The two of you come up with a compromise, then let the rest of the folks know what you've decided, and tell them you look forward to whatever time you will have with them.

We've dealt with some of this same drama every year. We finally said we will not travel for Christmas -- we will be snug in our own home on Christmas Eve, and our kids will wake up in our home on Christmas Day, end of discussion.

When two people get married, they marry into each other's family's. That means everything changes, because you are then trying to combine 2 different family traditions. When I got married, I had a hard time with how we were going to do holidays. I love spending time with my family, and with my inlaws. It's hard to decide who to do what with. Feelings may get hurt (even yours), and sacrifices will be made (by everyone). I think you need to talk with your husband and decide what family traditions are most important to each of you. Then decide what will be best for your family (you, hubby, kids), including logistics. I hope you and your husband can try to find a good solution, and enjoy your holidays!

Merry Christmas!

I know exactly how you feel - I die when I go to my M-I-Ls house due to all the dust, houseplants and dried flowers that she has everywhere!

We just decided after we had kids that Christmas time was for the family. So, we said we were planning to stay home on Christmas day. Since you spent Turkey day with his family, I think it's okay if you just spend Christmas eve with your family and just let them know that it's just too chaotic to try to see everyone. My sister-in-laws family has done it that way for ages (Christmas day is for your immediate family) and it works great.

You also don't mention how far away everyone is, so it's difficult to give anymore logistical suggestions - my family is 1500 miles away, so the situation is quite different if they're just 15 minutes away, which is the case for my S-I-L.