Already the Holiday "Bullying" Is Starting

This used to happen a lot in my extended family. My parents solved it by going somewhere out of town for the various holidays. For instance, for Christmas, we would go to Yosemite (there used to be this beautiful old hotel there). As an added bonus, there were no phones in the rooms, and no cell phone reception, so... problem solved! We would hang out, drink spiced cider, sled down the hill, and not worry about the crazy extended family and all their drama. More recently, we go to Hawaii.

Like they say, you shouldn't negotiate with terrorists (or bullies!). Take the power out of their hands. "Nope, we're not undecided, we're going to XYZplacefarawayfromyouloonies! You all are welcome to come if you choose; here's the hotel info." Done. :)

I would say let them know now. That you are available the weekend before and the weekend after but on the actual holiday you are staying home. IF they'd like to drop by in the afternoon they are welcome but that's it. Then watch them do the same day at the same time....that would be just my luck. So maybe let them know you'll be to see them on a certain day, and then that's all there is to it.

first of all, your husband needs to handle his family, just as you would need to handle yours. i wouldn't respond at all to any further communication about the situation.

secondly, you are an adult with your own family - you and your husband need to decide what you are going to do on particular holidays, and then do it. if you can/can't fit in having people over, travelling to visit - then do it, if not, politely say you already have plans, and leave it at that - you don't owe an explanation to anyone :)

I think you are lucky that she wrote the email the way she did, by saying she knows you are undecided. I thought you were going to say that she was fussing at you through the entire email.

Look, she's trying to work out what she wants by giving you every reason she has up in her head. But she DOES realize that she may not get what she wants.

If I were you, I would alternate years. This Thanksgiving, stay at your house and invite whoever you want. Do keep in mind that perhaps you might not have anyone show up, so make sure that wouldn't make you feel sad if it happened. Then this Christmas, make the trip.

Next year, go for Thanksgiving and stay home on Christmas Day.

It's a good compromise and will make you feel like you aren't being bullied.

Dawn

My family has been in the habit of rescheduling holidays to a more convenient date, usually the Sunday before hand or afterwards. All of America celebrates Thanksgiving on a Thursday, not us, we do a Sunday. Its been this way for 20+ years. We all love it. My aunt, the matriarch picks and circulates the date. She got tired as the older cousins married and tried splitting attendance to make everyone happy. She just pulled her dog out of the fight and said, T-giving for the extended family is being hosted by her on X date. you can choose to sopend the actual date with in laws, hosting a little something yourself, or on a ski holiday.

She re-schedules all major holidays, even X-mas and New Years & St. Patricks day. Really its about sharing good times and good food with family.

We love it, and have been following suit. We reschedule our birthdays and our anniversary too.

Hooray for thinking outside of the box.

good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Um, it's your reaction that is upsetting to you. The more you himhaw around the more others will take advantage of you. What do you care if you come off as the bad guy if you are doing what's right for your family? Get a grip. You are being passive/aggressive with things like waiting til dinner is late after the baby takes a nap. For Pete's sake, just tell people what you are GOING to do not might, should or possibly. Then they are responsible for what they do with that info. Your Mil is TELLING you what she is going to do and what she hopes will happen. She's a big girl! Give her credit for being up front even if she uses it to bully you. Only you can stop yourself from being guilted into anything but other people are not going to stop telling you their plans for you. You have all the right in the world to say thats nice but here's what WE are doing this year. Look into some assertive language. Ok, you hit a nerve. I hate passive aggressive behavior. Can you tell?! Sorry, one more person telling you what to do!

So decide - stay home this year - let everyone know it.
You are not a bad guy for wanting some holidays in your own home.
It's part of what makes your home YOUR home.
Who cares what MIL or anyone else thinks?
When you marry - you and Hubby form your own family unit - each of your parents take a step back from your priority.
When you have kids - another step happens.
Sometime (not at a holiday time) you might have a chat with MIL about how long SHE traveled to parents/inlaws for holidays - at some point she stopped and became the prime holiday hostess.
Just decide, say I love you! have fun! but this is what we are doing this year!
And then let any annoying after comments roll off your back.
They can think/say anything they want - you don't have to accept it.

In your MIL's eyes, you are going to be a jerk. Accept it and do what you think is best for you and your family. If you want to stay home, stay home. Where is your husband on all of this? Can he talk to his mom? This is really an issue he should take care of. Your MIL will still think you are behind it and your a jerk, but at least your husband will take the brunt of it, not you.

Make your decision and stick to it. No hemming and hawing. No "we haven't decided".

We usually have Christmas at our house. Period. My in-laws only live 30 minutes away. AFter we had children we were done with traipsing all over town. They come here (if they aren't visiting my SIL). That way we have our own traditions and our kids can enjoy their Christmas. (We do occasionally go to my mother's , but it's rare.)

My SIL lives three hours from her in laws and four hours from her mother. They used to spend every holiday away from home. Christmas eve with one parent and then after dinner they'd drive to the other parent. Then they realized that it was stressful and they couldn't have their own traditions. So they stopped. Now Christmas eve is at their home. Christmas morning is theirs. After lunch time, they head out to one of the family's houses (they trade off years) and have CHristmas dinner at that house. The first few years there was some grumbling. Now "that's just the way it is."

Stop worrying so much. Stop giving in. Make a plan with your hubby and stick with it. Don't give in to the guilt and manipulation. Don't waiver. And realize that yes, people may be disappointed, but they will recover. They will adjust. Good luck mama.

I agree with everyone that you get to make your plans and holidays your way and not feel bad about it. It might help you not feel so bad I adjust your thinking a little-- in my eyes, nothing that you have described comes close to bullying. This is family, they want you to join them, they are excited about planning and they want you in on the details since you indicted it was possible. That's totally fair, it's not unreasonable for them to ask you or even to ask again. Big surprise, they want to get their way, they are human after all, we all do. Try not to be angry that they want you there. Make your plans that make sense for you and stick to them, thank them graciously for the invitation, and follow up with "I'm so sorry we can't be there, tell me all about it after! Did you take pictures?" It might make everyone feel better if you can let go of some defensiveness, you can't control them after all, only yourself.

Don't tell her you are undecided, that's what she is latching onto. Tell her you are planning holidays at your house this year and invite her to join you.
After my 3rd child was born I refused to be emotionally blackmailed by our families for holidays. Thanksgiving is always here, and we invite my mother and father (not married, both live alone) and anyone in our social group or neighborhood who doesn't have anywhere else to go. We're up to 15 people this year! That's how I got out of traveling every Thanksgiving, I would much rather be the host anyway.

We do our own thing for the Winter Solstice with the kids, so that frees up Christmas to spend with our parents who still celebrate it. One year I just had a big Holiday party and everyone came, that was the year we didn't have a car.

Make your plans. Invite the families to join you if they want to. Move forward, and don't let them guilt you into traveling this year. That's my advice.

I think that I would have fun with it. "Reply to all" that "You're right, MIL, we are still undecided, but we're leaning toward staying home. I'll let you konw if that changes." That way, they're all on notice with the same information and can't call you out any further.

As long as your husband supports you, you're good to go. NO STRESS!

Stop hemming and hawing and just tell her that you won't be there. The woman is trying to make a plan. Your plan is not the same as hers - put on your big girl panties and say "hope you have a wonderful time, our plans are to stay and home and host a small gathering here for my family (and FIL), see you at Christmas!"

It's October and people need to plan in advance. I don't mean to get all fired up at you but people need to know what is going on and plan accordingly. You know you won't be there, so just tell her. My ILs drive me nuts with not knowing what the plan is until a couple of weeks before. Thanksgiving for my husband's family is a huge, awesome, extended family affair but whether or not it's hosted locally or 3 hours from here affects whether or not we also have dinner with my parents, and whether or not we're at my parents affects what my siblings do because we don't all want to bail on my parents in the same year.

I really don't see this as bullying. She sounds like a planner - just tell her what she needs to know (you will or won't be there) and move on!

We lived over 1500 miles from my family and my wife's family. When we went home for the holidays we alternated each year.

You don't mention your family so my guess is that they live too far away or that there is some other problem with visiting them.

One thing I learned by raising my family. When they are grown up, they will treat you like you treated your parents or in-laws. Be carefull how you talk about your in-laws and how you talk about having to visit your in-laws because chances are real good you are teaching them how to treat you when they get married and have kids. I see it in the in-laws my kids have. Some of my kids see my wife and I each year for the hoilidays and seldom visit their spouces parents.

Its your choice. Be careful what you choose.

Good luck to you and yours.

Hubby handles his. You handle yours. You do what is right by your family (i.e. - you/hubby/children). They are they primary family. Make sure you and hubby are solid on what you both want for the holidays and that neither of you will cave to the annoying family member. Then stick to your guns and support each other.

You are not being a jerk, and I doubt if any of the other family members care what you're doing. And if your hubby has your back, who cares? If he's the one telling his mom your schedule, then there you go.

Don't call it bullying- call it aggrivation.

To me, the holiday season is the holiday SEASON - it's not 1 day. So if you have to spread it out over the days, that's what you do. Whichever parent doesn't care when, then you spend the non-day with them.

She'll get over it, and if she doesn't you'll all end up spending less time with her and when she asks why, her son can tell her. She has had her family holiday for years. You are now doing YOUR family holiday traditions. You can still take part in some of your parents' stuff, but yours are primary now.

OK, you've had your vent. Now you get to use your brains.

I'm outside the situation, so I don't have to feel all the drama. I can just look at the fact that you have a lot of relatives nearby.

If I were the one in this, I would sit down with my husband and discuss it, because we'd have to have a solid, united plan. We would look at the number of relatives who expect us, and the rest of the activities the season brings. I would stop thinking Christmas Day and think Christmas SEASON - from early December through New Year's.

Then it would be time for US - meaning YOU - to take the initiative. Your husband can tell his mother that, say, you are able to come Thanksgiving from this time to that time (if you come at all). If that excludes Thanksgiving dinner, he can say, "We don't mind, because it's seeing you that's most important to us." Fix a few days during that season to devote to your aunt. You could have an early Christmas, or a late Christmas, with FIL. You could enjoy New Year's with MIL, or somebody else on the list. You could work out times to be with your parents and the rest of your family. You can't see everybody when everybody wants you to come. But you can see everybody, or mostly everybody, and your children can enjoy their kinfolks that way.

Christmas itself... you have other plans. You're starting your own traditions for Christmas day. That's your story, and you're sticking to it (as the song goes). Just make sure you don't leave anyone out of your planning for the rest of the time.

Now, you can't do this and NOT be called a jerk. So you have to decide whether you and your husband own your Christmas season, or if everyone else owns you. You may well find that, after the initial loud sputtering, the others will all settle down and say, "Well, that's the way they do it, so I guess we'll have to put up with it." And they will adjust, when they realize how glad you are to see them and how comfortable they feel with you - no arguments, no backbiting, no extra drama. If one or another of the relatives prefers to write you off, just go along with that ("We wish you the best"), keep being gracious to that person, stick to your guns, and next year might be different. (Next year, you'll be able to say, "Last year was wonderful! We had the best Christmas Day - our children loved it and so did their parents. We're happy to make that a permanent tradition now.")

You're getting needled because you're being wishy-washy, saying, "Well, I don't know... I'll get back to you." Make the decisions and stick with 'em.

I'm a MIL myself. Yes, a hated MIL! We volunteer to have everybody for Christmas at our house. If the children and grandchildren can come, they're more than welcome! Sometimes they can't. Sometimes they just don't want to! I do request an RSVP, so we'll know whom to expect (and not expect). A few years ago, one of the married children wanted everyone to come for Christmas at their house instead. So we all planned for that - and then, at the last minute, they changed their minds. It was a real scramble, and sometimes folks don't realize what hosting a dinner any time of year entails. Please decide, and then leave the answering machine on if you need it to handle the complaints, but enough with the "I'll let you know" business! "Woman up" and make your decisions! It may feel like walking the plank, but once you and your husband stand up for your family, you'll feel better about the whole thing.

i put my foot down on this issue after my first baby's first christmas, which was spent in a mad scramble rushing to everyone's house, and ended with me nursing on the side of the road in a terrible snowstorm.
i love everyone and hope to see everyone over the holidays. i have a big dinner here on christmas eve for my side, and my SIL has a big party for my husband's side which we always attend.
christmas day is spent right here.
now that the boys have moved out they come back here too. i expect when they marry and have children they will start THEIR own traditions, and my husband and i will accommodate whatever they set up.
do not back down on this. you can be loving and courteous and still be very very firm. don't budge an inch. they'll be annoyed, they'll talk about you, they'll sulk, they'll guilt-trip. and then they'll get over it. and you'll have your holidays back.
khairete
S.

I don't know that I have any advice but I PRAY that I never become a mom/grandma like that!
I think once you have a family of your own it's time to start your OWN traditions. As soon as our kids were old enough to really get the whole Christmas morning thing I told both sides we were staying home that day, all day! I love watching my kids tear into their gifts and I love staying in my PJs all day with nowhere to go and no one to entertain.
We still see the in laws and my side on either Christmas Eve or the day after. I'm sure that when my kids are married and have kids of their own I will miss them but I vow NOT to pressure or guilt them into coming home :(

Why are you telling her you are not sure???? Can you blame her then for still including you/addressing you on the plans. You tell her in no uncertain terms, and very nicely, NO-we will not be able to make it to Thanksgiving this year. And then ANY time it is brought up again you stick to your guns. If she tries to fight about it say very sweetly that youi can understnad how she feels but it doesn't change your plans.

Also-I used to feel this way too. My kids were little, things were crazy and then we had to drive 2hours for every holiday. Well my husband's parents are gone now and I have to say that I really miss that. Never thought I would say that. It is a little boring now to tell you the truth. The kids are older so they are no work at all plus they would rather watch sports now or play a video game. So I guess I am saying be careful what you wish for.

ETA: Bravo 8kidsdad!! I never heard it put that way but it is so true. I also want to point out that moms of boys should be ESPECIALLY concerned about this and make every attempt to treat their MIL the way they want to be treated as MIL. Too often the husband's family gets the bum deal b/c the wife coordinates and would rather be with her own family.

I admit I haven't read all the responses, but this one is easy......
Have Thanksgiving/Christmas either or both at your house, invite them all and be done with it. It really is that simple.
We moved 5 hours from BOTH our families last year. And when Thanksgiving came around we put out an open invite to everyone.
I know it's easier said than done, but it's about your family IMO. Good luck.

ugh. If it were me in your shoes, I'd reply all to the email and tell everyone that you will be having T-giving at your house and you hope they all send pictures.
Done - end of story. Hopefully by professing to the "world" your decision MIL won't be so up your grill about it even though you told her your plans on more than one occasion.

We decided long ago to rotate holidays... my family lives in FL and my husband's family lives about 20 minutes from us. We spend every Thanksgiving with his family and every Christmas with mine. Our reasoning is simple- we get more time off at Christmas, so it allows us to spend more time there. My in-laws were upset the first few years, but this is what is best for our family and it's simply not up for discussion any longer.

My nieces have taken our lead (both grown with their own children) and no longer attempt to see both families on the day of a holiday. They rotate holidays as well... Thanksgiving with "our family" this year means Christmas with the in-laws.

Decide what works for you and go with it. You will be a jerk the first year, but to tell you the truth... once you break the ice, you will "free" other siblings to do the same and in a couple of years it will be the "new normal".

That stinks. Holidays and families are never easy. I agree with others on 2 points: first, make up your mind and just tell her. A maybe will give her hope and will keep her asking. If you will try say that if not just let her know. Second, I always make my husband deal with his Mom. My MIL is very nice, but I don't want to be in those battles. I've also seen him do the 'maybe' when we agreed no and he has to deal with it for much longer. It might be nice to meet SILs partner so consider that. Is it important to you or your husband? Can you arrange another time to meet them? Maybe you can also do rotating holidays - this year Thanksgiving at your place, next year at theirs.

My husband is also really big on Christmas morning at our place (our families are both 7+ hrs away). We do visit for the holiday, just not the exact day.

Make sure your MIL knows that you appreciate her and want to spend time with her, but that things have to change now.

Oh, I feel your pain! When we first got married, my MIL wanted ALL the holidays and wasn't willing to compromise. Well, I had done Thanksgiving with my family for years (waaaaaay before I had even met my husband) and I WAS willing to compromise but because of her attitude I said screw it; I continued doing Thanksgiving with my family every year! Christmas was not up for discussion - we did Christmas Eve with my family - or sometimes a few days earlier; and then Christmas (Day) Afternoon with my in-laws.

You need to just put your foot down and/or get your husband to put his foot down. The stress is not fair (or worth it) for you!!!

Growing up we never had a problem - we alternated Thanksgiving (years) with my Grandparents; and always had "OUR" Christmas on the 23rd leaving Christmas Eve for one side and Christmas Day for the other.

I'm very grateful I have wonderful memories of all the holidays - with all my cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Fun times!!!

BE STRONG!!! Good luck!!!

It sounds to me like you have already decided, so stop telling her you haven't.

And this is your husband's mother, right? Why isn't HE the one telling her you won't be there this year?

Have Christmas at your house each year, create those memories you describe, and invite everyone over every other year after the youngest wakes up from the nap. Or, make it a tradition that each Christmas day is spent only with you and your kids/husband, and spend Christmas Eve or Thanksgiving each year with your extended family. Whatever you want to do, do it, and make it clear. You are obviously a considerate person, so whatever decision you make will be fine. Just make it!

Really, you shouldn't feel bad about this at all. But you need to be very clear with her what your expectations and plans are (well, I think your husband should be doing it, but whatever!)

GOOD LUCK - I totally know how you feel!

I realize it gets under your skin...you want to establish your own holiday routines and then be left alone about them.

I am going to say for one moment try and put yourself in your MILs shoes...becasue in about 15 to 20 years you will be...

She is excited about the holidays....she wants everyone she loves and cares about to spend them with HER. (Try and be excited that she wants you there, you said you like her, just not her "Holiday Behavior"...I am not sure my MIL would pee on me if I were on fire...anyways). She is trying to make plans....and she just wants to know what your plans are....I know she is bothering you by asking everyday (kinda like a little kid, huh?)

So, just let her know this year we have other plans. I am sorry we are going to miss meeting "so and so" who is coming for a special visit be sure to take lots of pictures, etc etc etc...

This year I am hosting Thanksgiving at my house becasue for the past few years another relative has hosted and ends up not even inviting half of the family becasue it would be "too much trouble for them to travel"...I am very close to that part of the family and honestly they have wanted to come for years but are never invited. So, I took the bull by the horns and am having it at my house inviting everyone and so far they they have all said yes before I could finish the invitation.

Anyways, just tell her, no, in the nicest way possible and start planning NOW that before you get off the phone with her she will and I mean she WILL ask you point blank about Christmas...so discuss that with hubby before you even call her.

Sending you a big hug!! It is hard being so loved and wanted sometimes it is easier if no one cared.

The way we handled it with our family is to say : WE have decided that we are going to stay home and make our own memories here. You are welcome to come over and join us but we won't be traveling this year.

This is why we live 10 hours from husband's parents. We're still having to make the trip down with a breastfed nearly 3 month old at Christmas/New Years...and this is after his mother pulled the "poor me" card because her second youngest daughter (20) has started dating a young man she obviously doesn't approve of and she says we didn't invite her to the birth of our son. She was invited, several times, not sure what she expected.

OY! Family!

Stick to your guns, have your husband stick to them as well. Have him back you up when dealing with his family.

Good luck!

Is there a private island you can fly away to for the holiday season? :)

I'm so sorry for your situation; it's a hard one. I think any discussion with your MIL should start with "We so appreciate your welcome and hospitality AND this is what we are doing."

One solution would be to alternate years. When you say 'fair', I'd suggest writing all this down and include some holiday time for JUST your immediate family living at home. Then, make sure that everyone you want to spend time with is somewhere on the calendar during the holidays (between Thanksgiving and Christmas). Ultimately, I'd also suggest that you have your husband talk to his mom about the plans if you think your MIL is going to have a fuss about it.

Also ask yourself: when she points out that you are 'undecided', are you mad at her for this (because it sounds like she's letting everyone know that you might not come instead of being mean) or do you feel guilty for not going? Tough one....do, however, stick with your best possible plans and if you are really feeling like you have to do something extra, send a centerpiece or bouquet "just thinking of you today" or something. Sometimes a gift like this can buy us a little goodwill and make us feel better about doing what we need to do.

No great answers here-- sorry, and good luck.

Mine is the same way! How about you handle mine and I will handle yours! ; )

Welcome to my nightmare girlfriend...come aboard!! We've dealt with this issue for decades. My husband's parents are divorced and most of the time not everyone in the family is talking. We were literally expected to go to my MIL's, FIL's, FIL's parent's house, then to my hubby's Aunt's (who raised him) house EVERY holiday.

My side of the family is much easier. My father's side of the family get's together at noon on the holiday. My mother's side of the family get's together the saturday after the holiday.

For almost 20 years we ran to my family's house at noon, stayed for 2 hours, then raced to 4 more houses to cover his family. It was ridiculous and we never got to really enjoy the holiday. We put our foot down to some degree years ago and insisted his father see us at his parent's house to illuminate one stop. Then we insisted his mother come to his Aunt's house to illuminate that stop. But still we were having to go to 3 places every holiday.

We did the rounds with the kids the 1st year we had our daughter. After that we laid the law down with both of our families. I refused to rush my child through opening her Easter/Christmas presents just so we can be to someone's house by noon. Did I mention we live an hour and half away from everyone so we have to leave our house by 10 to accommodate traffic delays. My husband was in total agreement with me. We told everyone from this point forward we will be staying home for Christmas. Our girls deserve to be left in peace to open their gifts and play with them uninterrupted. Anyone that wishes to join us that day is more than welcome to come join in the festivities. Oh boy did we catch a lot of flack for this the first year or two but now they all know we are not budging on this. Even my father's side of the family baulked at the change request. BUT after I reminded them that when their kids were little we all went to their houses on Christmas day to accommodate their children then they eased up a bit. And now that their kids have kids they agree and don't want their grandkids forced to leave their home on Christmas morning.

For all of the other holidays we still go to my dad's family at noon and then to my husband's Aunt's house. Anyone that wants to see us can come there.

We do not bother visiting my FIL because frankly he NEVER makes an effort to come see us or his grandchildren. He has a beach house that he stays at every weekend. He drives right past our neighborhood on his way to and back from the beach but never bothers to stop in. He has given up trying to guilt us into coming to his house because we've repeatedly pointed out he is an hour and 45 minutes from us. Why should we drag the kids out for a 3.5 hour round trip commute when he comes right by our place every weekend?

At some point we are going to stop traveling on all holidays because frankly it's just too stressful. Like you, we wish to have our own family traditions and enjoy our home and family time.

Set your limits, tell your MIL from now on you all will be staying home for the holidays and everyone is welcome to join you!

Peace and Blessings,
T. B

Ugh, We also have this problem.. All of our close family live here in town.. A blessing and a curse.

We came up with a plan one year that Christmas Eve We spend with one family and Christmas afternoon with the other. Of course MIL always insisted it was her year for Christmas Eve.

SIL and her family also spend every other year doing the same thing with her inlaws. So we changed ours so we could be there with them, so MIL could have "all of her family together." Of course this meant we were the ones that had to swap out on my family that year..

Once I stopped speaking with my MIL.. They would make plans, through my husband and daughter. Bless their hearts.

They learned why I hated dealing with MIL / SIL.. They would be told there was going to be a Christmas Eve Lunch.. They got there at 1:00 and only FIL was there.. MIL did not show up until 5:00! They had changed the plans and had "forgotten to tell my husband and daughter!"

Another time they were told they were going to do an earlier dinner so to be at the house at 5:00.. They did not eat till almost 9:00..

My husband and daughter have now told me, not to plan based on MIL.. Instead we make our plans and then they go and visit when they choose to.

The bottom line, Christmas eve We visit, whoever is hosting .. Christmas morning is ours in our own home. We wake up when we want.. We open gifts, eat breakfast.. Then later in the afternoon we go and then visit the other family..

You're going to look like a jerk either way so I say stick to your plans that you want and forget everybody else because no matter what you'll be danged so might as well do what you want. Not everyone gets what they want all the time. You lay the law down, and lay it hard. She won't stop trying to guilt you till she gets her way. Don't feel guilty.

one year, my husband and I spent xmas eve and xmas day with my husbands family and didn't even see my side at all. my mom was hurt and I was really mad. After that, I laid the law down and told my husband we were doing even years xmas day with his family and odd years xmas day with mine. whoever didn't get xmas day would get xmas eve on the opposite year. On the odd years, MIL always plays the, we get xmas with you all, right. i said nope. I told husband he can go with his family but my son and i are going to my moms. Then on the even years MIL always says, we aren't coming up for xmas this year. I told the husband if she doesn't come up and its her year, she can't have xmas day on my moms year. It ain't happening.

If you don't want to go, just tell her. There is no need to play this game with everyone tiptoeing around. Make up your mind what you're going to do; announce that and then stick to it. If she brings it up in conversation, don't pay any attention. Let whatever comments she makes roll right off your back and move on.

I can certainly understand, and I feel your pain! It has been very hard to please everyone, especially around the holidays. My parents are divorced as well, but have been since I was 6. Every holiday was spent arguing who gets who for what. We finally established a system( which is ridiculous in itself) for thanksgiving and christmas.

Now that I am older and have a family of my own, it can get a little crazy. My Mom and stepdad live in TN, my father and aunt live in Fl, and I live in New England, and my in-laws live in MA. So, I usually alternated holidays to be either Thanksgiving in TN, or MA. Christmas in MA or FL. And then the year after FL or MA for Thanksgiving Christmas in TN or MA. It became exhausting and expensive.

So, Now I have Thanksgiving at my house, and Christmas morning at my house, and Christmas day night at my in-laws. If my parents , either one want to come up, they can come for any holiday. It was less expensive for them having only two, to my three for flights, and they can afford it much easier then my little family can. We actually have a travel account to save for trips.

I had to put my foot down. Literally. It was getting ridiculous and out of hand. Not to mention expensive and exhausting. I also had to do this with my MIL. As she expects everyone to always be at her house. Thanksgiving and Christmas. So, finally I just flat out told her. WE are having Thanksgiving at our house, and Christmas morning their too. So, if you want to , you are most welcome to come. My husband is the oldest of 5 children, so they all expressed that they wanted to do other things for the holidays, as well as spend time with their boyfriends/girlfriends families. We all decided that if we had thanksgiving at my house, they can have dinners with their SO families, and then come to my house for dessert( i live an hour from all of them). My MIL also needs to accept that all of them are getting older, and want to spend time with others for the holidays( it is hard for her, but she tries).

It also helps if your husband puts his foot down as well. I can't tell you how helpful it is when your man tells his mom, No. WE are staying here. Come here if you want. She will listen to him, and blame him for it. He's fine with it. You don't need to be feeling like the jerk. It is your family, and your children. You deserve to spend it with them how you see fit. Rotate every other year if you want.

your going to have to just step up and say we are doing "x" and send it out in the email format. we went through this when we were first married. had to be at inlaws for christmas day, my moms on christmas eve and my dads on christmas day night. it was a night mare. my kids were babies and spent the day crying because of no nap or not enough of one. weird food that they wouldn't eat so they were hungry and strange relatives that they saw only once in a blue moon wanting to hold and cuddle them. after the 3rd baby was born I said enough. not doing this any more.

I started cooking thanksgiving at my house. I told everyone to bring a dish and that dinner would be served buffet style. we still do this today 20+ years later lol. thanksgiving night after the inlaws go home my kids (who are mostly out on their own now) set up the christmas tree, go through the black friday ads and then go bowling. the bowling thing started about 10 years ago as a way for my older daughter who was 20 at the time to get out of dishes and get the younger ones out of my hair. it has continiued on and now we take the grandkids along as well.

Christmas we do the sunday before with my inlaws. christmas eve with my family and christmas day is reserved for my children and grandchildren. we get up do gifts, go to mass and spend the day just relaxing.

your going to have to stand up and say we are not coming. be prepared for some fall out and to offer up a different way to get together. maybe lunch on black friday? or the weekend before or after. they will want to see you but if you put it in the context of wanting to start some family traditions of your own they should be able to understand it.

I look at this as more pestering than bullying. Regardless, you are in the drivers seat. Don't be uncommitted. Your MIL is always going to have a reason for your family to be with her at the holidays. I would reply to all and let everyone know that y'all won't be in attendance for Thanksgiving but will call.

We lived away from family. For the holidays we rotated Christmas between my parents and in laws. They would come to us since we had little kiddos. I made it very clear from the beginning that Christmas was for the kids and we were not traveling to Texas or wherever my parents were living at the time for the holidays. Thanksgiving we were on our own and it was wonderful!!!!

Our kids have grown and our son won't be home for Thanksgiving. The first one. =( Our daughter lives with us but she will probably spend the day with her boyfriend. With my mom in the nursing home, my dad won't leave for the holiday and it kills me to have him spend it alone. The last two years, we have gone up to Ft. Worth to be with him and visit my mom. Last Christmas, we spent it with the inlaws and I told hubby I wasn't doing that again. It broke my heart that my dad was there at his house by himself on Christmas. Not happening again!!!!

I think you and your husband need to make a decision about what you're going to do. Quickly. Then tell your MIL that decision. So you're no longer "undecided". By telling her you're "thinking" about doing something or "considering" doing another thing, you're leaving the door open for the possibility that HER plan could be the end result. NIP.THAT.IN.THE.BUD. Make your decision, plan your holiday, and tell her about it. This has been going on for years? It could continue for *decades*. Take a stand now.

Just do what you want. It's your life, not her's.

I have decided that the holidays are a time for me to be a little selfish. Ok maybe not outright but I want the focus to be on my kids not pleasing everyone else. Last year husbands family was not doing anything for Thanksgiving and his parents decided to go to Vegas. My family were going to my Aunt's whom we had just had a major issue with so there was no way we were going over there. So we (husband and 2 daughters) went to Legoland and to marie calendars for dinner which actually was not very good. This year I have no idea if husbands family is doing anything (they haven't for a few years) and don't know what the plan is for my family but it will probably involve said Aunt who I DO NOT want to hang out with sooooooo we are going to sea world followed by a Thanksgiving Buffet at Goofy's Kitchen at the Disneyland hotel. Hubby's parents aren't going to Vegas until the day after Thanksgiving this year so they are going to join us at least for dinner. Hubby's brother is invited but he better give us an answer soon or we might not be able to change our reservation. They tend to only do her side anyway so we will see.
For christmas it used to be literally open gifts from Santa, go to hubbys house and open gifts from his family, go to his Aunt's house and have dinner and celebration and gifts there. This was fine until we had kids but then It was exhausting (years ago my mom decided she wanted her own day so we do it the Sunday before Christmas at her house or mine.) I told husband about 4 years ago his parents could come over to our place around 10a so we could have our morning finished and we would have cinnamon rolls. Bro could come too but I understood if they didnt want to run all over the place but we have always lived close by so it would be convenient. We will probably still be in jammies but they were welcome. That way we would be able to slow down and enjoy the day and not be rushing everywhere. It would be easier for them to come to us and then we only have to go one other place. Last year his parents went to vegas for christmas (they love vegas) so even though I had asked hubby if they wanted to do it a few days before at their house and he said no (we were out of our old house and at my moms waiting for our house to close it was CRAZY) they ended up wanting to do it early at bro in laws house. So now it is what is convenient for me and my family and what we can fit in. On Christmas day in the afternoon we still go to hubby's aunts or grandmas. Basically everyone live in Southern California so we do make time to see everyone throughout the year. We do Christmas eve at my Dad's Dad's house. It actually works out nicely. (Oh and at dad's dad's our tradition is Dominos Pizza delivery that Grandpa pays for and everyone brings salads, sides, and sweets. There are more than 50 people there so it is way to difficult to arrange a "formal" dinner. Everyone laughs at us but no one is stressed over the meal and everyone gets to spend quality time together which is what the holidays are all about.)

I feel for you. My ex and I had a set rotation for holidays of which family we were spending it with so there was no question. Thanksgiving and Easter rotated. This made it a lot easier for us.

Our families are 20 minutes apart (we moved 3 hours away) and we would always do Christmas Eve with his family and Christmas Day with mine.

honestly i dont get when people say we want to make out own memories eating thanksgiving at our house and if noone comes it will jsut be us? isnt that a normal dinner then? i want my daughter surrounded by cousins, aunts, and uncles, thats what kids remember.
im thinking of having a thnkasgiving with my family a weekend before or after this year so emmy can go with her dad the weekdy of...the date doesnt matter the people do (except halloween=) )
if i was you i'd travel back home. i'm sure your kids miss eveeryone and then when you return home do whatever you'd like

If you want control of your own situation, stick by your guns or she stays in control. It will likely take a few years, but she'll eventually get over it or learn to live with it.