41 answers

What Is Your Definition of Cheating in a Relationship?

My live-in boyfriend and I have different definitions of cheating. Before I say what each of us think the definition is- here are the things we are dealing with. First off - both of us think that having a friend of the opposite sex is fine... When you hide that 'friend' or that you are talking to/texting that person at all hours of the day and night from your significant other- is that cheating? Is telling that other person that you love them (even if you have never met them in person), is that cheating? Carrying on a relationship (talking/texting) with a person that has said they loved you and your SO knows this and has asked you not to have any contact with that person, and you continue doing it and hiding it, is that cheating? Or is cheating defined only as having sex/physical attention?

Any answer will be helpful. Thanks!

UPDATE - this is a second shot at this relationship. We were apart for a year, and yes - this happened the first time around. He says that "if I tell you I am talking to a friend that is a girl then you will loose it so I don't tell you". I tell him - not telling me is when I loose it b/c not telling me means you are hiding something. He deletes all messages as he responds to them or as they come in and deletes his call log on his phone - that is hiding the relationship in my book.The girl he said he loved - he met online when we were apart and continued the relationship after we got back together. He had asked her to move to the house he just bought (she lives in CA) then was very mean and rude to her so they quite speaking. He called me and we got back together and my kids and I moved to his house. The day after I moved in I found out he was texting/calling a different girl I didn't know about. He said 'I have never met her and we just talk, what's the big deal?' I told him it was - again b/c he was hiding it. The girl that told him that she loved him - they went to high school together and I saw a text from her a few weeks after we got back together "I still love you". I told him - I don't care that you have women friends but that relationship is not going to keep on. He said ok - but has continued the relationship anyway. I finally got through to his mother it was not that I was insecure like he and his mom think - it's b/c it is a total lack of respect. We would get in arguments about it and this is when he contacted the girl in CA again. I found her # and I texted her - she called me and we had an hour long chat. She had no idea about me - she was devastated. He had told her a few days earlier that he loved her and that he wanted her to move down here. I had no emotion for a few days then I lost my mind and went totally off on him. His mom said it was not cheating b/c no sex was involved and she tells people all the time that she loves them. I called BS on all of that. I looked up a definition of cheating online and he made fun of it saying 'you say it's cheating b/c you found that on the internet'. I was willing to work this out - but I find that he was talking - again hiding it from me - to another girl. I contacted her and they are indeed only friends. Why the hell hide it? That is what pisses me the F off! So - now he hasn't spoken to me in almost 2 days, like this is my fault. When we got back together he swore to me he was "not that guy anymore". We both have children involved and that is the ONLY reason I stayed after the CA girl thing. He sleeps in his daughter's room (now I know it is to text all night) instead of in our bed, next to me, knowing that bothers me so much. Sorry for the long-winded update, but I wanted to elaborate more since most everyone figured it was him being the idiot. And I refer to his mom b/c she lives with us. I went to her with the CA girl 'I love you' thing b/c my friends would totally hate him and I needed to talk to someone.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

12-20-12 - Thank you to everyone for your response - even the ones that were harsh. It's your honest opinion and noone can fault you for that. Without going into too much detail - I just signed a lease on a house for my boys and I and we are moving on Sunday. If anyone wants to know specifics - inbox me. Thanks again!

Featured Answers

I can't even read it all.
Do YOU feel understood, respected, and like he loves you? No? Then move on.

6 moms found this helpful

If he's doing/saying/texting things he wouldn't do in front of you, then it's probably wrong. Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me.

4 moms found this helpful

It's cheating because you think it's cheating. Enough said :). If he respected you he wouldn't do it. What makes her worth risking his relationship with you? Maybe he knows you won't go??

I was married for 13 years to a man like that. Tell me you have women friends and I'm ok with it! I really think he was just friends with some women, but hid that he chatted with them. Why?? I don't get it.

It's deceitful and you deserve better.

More Answers

Oh Lord.
I'm sorry.
What you're describing is just so wrong on so many levels.
My advice? Take care of your kids and kick this loser to the curb. Sorry.
Cannot believe you dragged your kids to live with this guy--and his mom?

Doesn't matter my definition of cheating.
But I think you could use a definition of self respect.
Again--sorry.

9 moms found this helpful

Just because someone does or doesn't consider the behavior you describe as 'cheating' is a moot point. If there's a problem, then there's a problem. If two people are living together and one is doing what you describe, to me that screams Big Red Flag. This is about being up front in one's relationships. Take away the dispute about if it qualifies as 'cheating'; to me, that's a smokescreen. Instead, asking each other "Am I respecting the relationship?" , "Am I living within the expectations and boundaries of this relationship and am I honoring the wishes of the person who I am choosing to spend my life with?"

I can tell you that if a man argued to the ends of the earth that this behavior 'wasn't cheating', I would likely still leave his sorry behind in the dust. I don't quibble-- either a person has a moral compass, or they haven't. I do not need to do that job for that person-- and I don't want to be with a person who is that unaware. Just my two cents. Being deceitful and a liar (even by omission) is just that--cheating on the trust of the relationship. No sex necessary.

PS: From your update: now you know. Do not expose your kids any further to this loser.

9 moms found this helpful

Added after your additional info: T., WHY are you still with a guy who stays in his daughter's room so that he can text other women? Why are you still with a guy whose mother thinks this is okay? Why are you still with this LOSER? Lose the loser!!!

Original:
It's emotional cheating, T..

You're lucky. You aren't married to him. He is showing you a low level of maturity and also a real lack of respect. Why would you still be allowing him to live with you? Or why haven't you moved out?

If you are entertaining marriage with this man, you should understand that things won't get any better. He will be MORE disrespectful as a husband.

You need to move out or kick his butt to the curb and let HER have him.

D.

7 moms found this helpful

1) Leave. He's a terrible boyfriend, regardless of "cheating" or "not"... and would make an even worse husband.

2) www.survivinginfidelity.com

Ahem. You don't have to have a reason HE accepts for "its not working out". It's not working out. Period. You feel cheated on (for the record I agree with you). That's enough.

Here's the thing though: That's "enough" even if I DIDN'T agree with you. People define their realtionships in HUNDREDS of different kinds of ways. Some people have open relationships and it's not considered cheating, others feel betrayed if their spouse/partner masturbates.

This IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM to get over.

You presented it to him as a problem for you. He had a choice to either stop or keep it up. He chose to keep it up. Just because he chose to keep doing it, doesn't mean that it's not a problem for you (totally bizarre logic). It's a problem for you. He needs to find someone for whom his long distance relationships aren't an issue, and you need to find someone who won't make you feel belittled and betrayed. That "simple".

A person can feel betrayed, belittled, humiliated... if their spouse eats broccoli. It doesn't matter what "it" is, when it's a serious problem for you, and it doesn't matter what "it" is if it ISN'T a problem for you.

LOL... Old saying : A problem is a problem, when it's a problem.

6 moms found this helpful

I can't even read it all.
Do YOU feel understood, respected, and like he loves you? No? Then move on.

6 moms found this helpful

Cheating is behavior that damages or takes away from your committed relationship. It can be physical, emotional, or intellectual. It can be with a person, a fantasy (which is what you were describing), or even a job or hobby. The seriousness of the cheat is measured by the damage done to the relationship.

If you have to hide the behavior, it is damaging to the relationship. If it wasn't, there would be no need to hide it.

6 moms found this helpful

T.,
You need to love yourself, and think of your happiness. Your happiness is not with him, because if it was, you'd be happy right now.
You have the power to walk out, and trust me, your kids will learn from you to stand up for themselves if you stand up for yourself.
Leaving relationships is hard, specially if you have kids. In the long run, your kids will appreciate you more for walking out than for staying.
You don't need to live a life of mistrust and resentment.

I hope you find this helpful.
Good Luck

5 moms found this helpful

When you hide that 'friend' or that you are talking to/texting that person at all hours of the day and night from your significant other- is that cheating?

Yes. Not being fully transparent with the person you are supposed to be fully committed to is cheating.

Is telling that other person that you love them (even if you have never met them in person), is that cheating?

Yes. It's called "having an emotional affair."

Carrying on a relationship (talking/texting) with a person that has said they loved you and your SO knows this and has asked you not to have any contact with that person, and you continue doing it and hiding it, is that cheating?

Yes. And the fact that they continue it and refuse to stop shows that they do not respect or love their significant other.

Or is cheating defined only as having sex/physical attention?

Nope. Cheating is not just a sexual relationship, it's any emotional relationship that undermines and comes between you and your spouse/significant other. Which is obviously happening.

Also...you contacted the girl he said he was "only friends" with....and SHE said they were only friends? WELL OF COURSE she's going to say that....HE told her to!

I'm going to spell this out plainly for you: If your spouse of BF is talking to another woman, and refuses to share it 100% with you, right as it's happening, allowing you to read every text and email, HE IS HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR.

5 moms found this helpful

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